A sliver of light peeks through the darkness

    I've mentioned in recent posts, that I've been in a low and kind of ugly place. I haven't realized how low I was until I found a small ray of light. Not literal light, more like emotional and mental light. I don't even know what changed last week, but something just kind of gave.
   It started when I called on Monday to get an appointment with a shrink. I'm going to call again tomorrow because I still haven't gotten an appointment. After that call, I scheduled an eye exam. And since I felt like I was on a roll, I made an appointment with the tattoo artist a friend recommended. The appointment for a consult was made for Friday.
   I was feeling pretty fucking accomplished.
   A couple days later, my 2 best friends and I collaborated on a tattoo the 3 of us agreed on getting. It's beautiful, signifies each of us and the struggled we've faced/overcome together. Since it was fully designed, in an hour messaging session (thank you Facebook Messenger!), I printed the idea to bring with me Friday.

   Friday I forced Mac to go with me to the tattoo shop. I was freaking out about meeting someone new and having serious anxiety that he'd judge me and my tattoo idea, and even worried he'd laugh at me when I showed him where I wanted the tattoo. I didn't explain all this to Mac, instead I pretty much said he should come with me and support me because I support him...and doesn't he want to spend time with me? He agreed to go, probably to end my whining and ranting, but said he was packing his backpack with electronics.
    He came with me and the tattoo artist was amazing! I ended up getting the small tattoo my best friends and I design and made an appointment for the other tattoo I want.

   Last night, out of nowhere, I decided to try crocheting again. I'm in the infant stage of learning to crochet, I'm barely able to do more than the basic chain stitch. Putting my lack of skills aside, I was determined to practice. And practice I did. I finally got the tension right, the stitching right and I made something that looked awesome. Except it wasn't meant to be more than a practice thing, so I didn't really make anything. I tried turning it into a cape for my cat, bu she hated it and refused to wear it. She's so ungrateful!

    This morning I woke up and felt a need to go buy more yarn, because I had projects in my head and since I know myself, if I didn't start them now I'd forget about them and possibly forget how to crochet all together. That might be my anxiety talking, I don't think I'd really forget how to crochet overnight...but why take the chance!
    As I was driving to the fabric store today, I realized: I'm happy! I genuinely feel good. But then I realized, I didn't know I felt bad. Maybe bad is the wrong word. I didn't realize I wasn't feeling anything before today.
    I chose my yarn, came home and started my projects. As I did, 2 more popped into my head. I'm not worried about having too many things happening at once, I'm writing them down so I don't forget them.

   I can't say how long this goodness will last. I don't know what brought it on, but I am pretty glad it came.

The guilt of life.....

    With everything that's not right in my head, but that I'm struggling to get help with and fix, one of my biggest battles is a seemingly never ending amount of guilt. I feel guilty that Nixon has autism. I feel guilty that I stay home and don't work outside of the home, even though Nixon's in school full-time. I feel guilty that my house is a perpetual mess and that I hate dishes. I even feel guilty for my mental issues!
    Guilt is an emotion I'm very familiar with, in case you couldn't tell.

    Last night, Mac and I were talking about our electric bill. It was $90 for last month. I automatically apologized for it being so high, because I'm awful at unplugging unused electronics. I felt guilty, as if I don't do enough to help us save money.
    Then what bothered me was: Mac never feels guilty for not cooking. I'm the sole person who makes any home cooked meal. Not saying Mac doesn't make food, he's a genius at salads, but if it's cooked/baked/crock potted  I've made it. He does offer to buy take out, when I don't feel like cooking anything, but now that he needs to watch his cholesterol we'll be doing less of that. Which means more meals at home and I'm looking for recipes to help him health-wise.

    I despise how much guilt I have and how little I value what I do. I'm working on my issues, admitting I my flaws is a start. Holding myself accountable by putting it in a public space (like this blog) is one way I'm dealing with my issues head-on.