The evil cycle of the reality of a being a Stay-at-Home-mom for the last 4 years....losing my identity.

  It seems these days I'm losing my identity and instead becoming known by someone else's identity.
  It started when Nixon started preschool earlier this month. I stopped by to pay his tuition and the director of the school didn't know me until I identified myself as "Nixon's mom". I get it, I really do, she deals with so many parents and children that keeping it simple and learning only the children's names is the best way to go, since those are the ones she'll be seeing on a daily basis for extended periods of time. The parents are there for drop-offs and pick-ups and the director isn't always present in the classroom at those times.
   So I've resigned myself to accept my newest role as "Nixon's mom".

   But then I had to write a letter for Mac, to his command, regarding a request to stay on the current shift he's on. I wrote it as Mac's wife and Nixon's mother....I was no one as an individual. I had no single stake other than to represent what was best for Nixon, Mac and our family.
   That's when it hit me.

   I'm really losing myself lately. I've stopped working on things for my etsy shop. I've got costumes to work on for Halloween, I've got almost everything I need to complete said costumes but I haven't started them yet.

   I don't really have a point to this. I'm behind on blogging because I'm in a funk. I'm in a funk because I'm not inspired by anything these days. I'm uninspired because I'm not feeling like an individual, I'm just a part to someone else's whole.
   Please tell me other moms have gone through this and it goes away?

   By the way, before anyone tells me to get a job, at this point in time it's not possible. Nixon's only going to school 2.5 hours 3 days a week and Mac is still on the overnight shift, daycare is an impossibility.

Rough Night

**This post is not at all politically related. I apologize in advance if some readers may have misinterpreted the title*

Saturday, Nixon was running outside while I was raking up leaves. It goes, almost without saying, that he found a stick and was playing with it. I'd warned him more than once to be careful and stop running while scraping the stick on the ground in front of him. So.....of course he eventually fell, scraped up 6 of 8 fingers and started crying bloody murder! I scooped him up and immediately set to the task of seeing how bad the injuries were and cleaning them up. HOLY shit, you'd have thought he amputated fingers the way he was carrying on. BUT, to be fair to him, this is the first really serious bloody injury he's had.
About 30 minutes later, 6 band-aids and 2 dum-dums he was quietly playing Angry Birds while sitting inside the house, at the front door while I finished the yard work. He scraped 3 fingers on his right hand pretty badly, his left hand had 3 really minor scrapes but he wanted band-aids for them as well.

Now...tonight.

It was bath time and I always prepare Nixon for bath time about 30 minutes in advance so he knows it's coming. He was also warned that the band-aids had to be changed on his right hand (the still sensitive, owie hand). Cue the tears. Not just his usual crocodile tears, these were real, big, giant, sobbing and jaw chattering tears. I'd get him a little calmer and then something else about the fingers would get him going again. Bath time was a disaster ending with Nixon in tears and me crying while comforting him because he's so upset and I couldn't calm him down!
I caved.
I couldn't watch him getting so upset. So we ended bath time without changing band-aids and without shampooing his hair. I did wash him before pulling the plug.
He was finally calming down.
I grabbed 3 new band-aids and slowly managed to change the band-aids without totally traumatizing him.
Nixon and I put Mac to bed (he has to work in the morning) then went into Nixon's bed and snuggled while reading his newest bedtime story favorite A vs X babies comic book. After the comic book, we started talking about his birthday (seriously, how it his 4th birthday 2 weeks away already?!?!?!?) and his theme. He's been saying Avengers for over a month now.
Tonight he says: Spider Man

There's a significance to Spider Man and my life. My nephew A, loved SpiderMan when he was just about Nixon's age. It's always been painful for me to see anything SpiderMan and Nixon together because it reminds me of the void A's absence has left in my life.
I started tearing up, trying very hard to keep myself in check, while Nixon looked at me with concern. I tried explaining it to him like this:
"Honey, mommy loves a little boy who I haven't seen in a very long time. He's gone away and I don't know how to find him. He was very close to me, almost as close to me as you are. And he loved SpiderMan a whole lot! Your request just made me think of him and get a little sad, because I love him so much. But I love you more and if you want SpiderMan for your birthday, then I'll talk to Daddy about it."
And I did...I went in, woke Mac up and he held me while I cried for A. For the unknown place he is, hoping he's happy and healthy and wanting to send a thought to him that I love him.

It's been almost 6 years since I told him I loved him.
A...your Aunt loves you, more than you know.