The evil cycle of the reality of a being a Stay-at-Home-mom for the last 4 years....losing my identity.

  It seems these days I'm losing my identity and instead becoming known by someone else's identity.
  It started when Nixon started preschool earlier this month. I stopped by to pay his tuition and the director of the school didn't know me until I identified myself as "Nixon's mom". I get it, I really do, she deals with so many parents and children that keeping it simple and learning only the children's names is the best way to go, since those are the ones she'll be seeing on a daily basis for extended periods of time. The parents are there for drop-offs and pick-ups and the director isn't always present in the classroom at those times.
   So I've resigned myself to accept my newest role as "Nixon's mom".

   But then I had to write a letter for Mac, to his command, regarding a request to stay on the current shift he's on. I wrote it as Mac's wife and Nixon's mother....I was no one as an individual. I had no single stake other than to represent what was best for Nixon, Mac and our family.
   That's when it hit me.

   I'm really losing myself lately. I've stopped working on things for my etsy shop. I've got costumes to work on for Halloween, I've got almost everything I need to complete said costumes but I haven't started them yet.

   I don't really have a point to this. I'm behind on blogging because I'm in a funk. I'm in a funk because I'm not inspired by anything these days. I'm uninspired because I'm not feeling like an individual, I'm just a part to someone else's whole.
   Please tell me other moms have gone through this and it goes away?

   By the way, before anyone tells me to get a job, at this point in time it's not possible. Nixon's only going to school 2.5 hours 3 days a week and Mac is still on the overnight shift, daycare is an impossibility.

I'm so lucky Nixon is mine....he's so sweet, loving, silly and mine! This is a short blog of mommy drivel, feel free to ignore it if you want.

    I'm about to be an aunt for the 4th time (by my sister anyhow, many more if you count the in-laws and the better-than-blood nieces and nephews) tomorrow morning. My sister is having a little boy some time tomorrow. She was due last week, but like all her other babies, this one too needs to be evicted.
     She's being by medical terminology induced. I prefer she's giving eviction notice to her uterus' latest tenant, aka Uterus Eviction Day! It just sounds like more fun than induction or induced.

    I was telling Nixon he was getting a new cousin tomorrow and he got excited. He asked me if this "was the baby in Aunt Snotface's tummy?", which I said yes. Then I told him we were going to see him next month. This little sweetheart of a boy, that I evicted from my uterus, said to me "I can't wait! I want to put him down for a nap, before the moon is in the sky, because that's when all babies are safe." His newest cousin is not even here and Nixon wants to keep him safe. I might be raising the lovingest boy ever!
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On an unrelated note:
Last week Nixon and I watched a bunny in our backyard for over 15 minutes. I took photos of it, and Nixon sat quietly in a chair watching it:

 

Total fracking randomness from today!

   I'm going to put this here, because while it's not parenting related it's mom-life related. Since the first of the year I've steadily lost over 15 pounds. Even better, I've managed to maintain the steady weight loss without exercise, not that I'm bragging of my lack of fitness but rather I'm proud of the weight loss that I'm keeping up with.
   I'm now lighter than I was when I got married, I weigh almost as much as I did when I met Mac for the first time but I'm way less toned. Part of the plus side to this is I'm feeling more confident in my own skin. I'm wearing carpi's, skirts (that are knee length, not maxi skirts) and jeans that are loose and I'm down 2 sizes!
   None of that is as impressive as what I did today. Today I wore shorts, in public for the first time in over a decade! And my thighs don't rub when I walk anymore! If you don't get why I'm bragging about this, sorry I'm boring you.


   Nixon still is demanding help wiping his ass. I know he can do it, he just knows its easier if mom or dad does it for him. Tonight, after the especially hellicious morning we had together, he knocks on the wall and demands one of us helps wipe his butt. Mac tells him to wipe it himself. Nixon stays in the bathroom for a couple more minutes, then comes out sans undies and says "MOMMY I said I need HELP!"
   I get up and follow him back into the bathroom. I look at him, as he's got his butt in the air at me saying "I touch my toes mommy." and all I can think of is I'm so over this phase.
me: Nixon, I'll wipe your butt but you have to wipe mine next time I go potty. It's only fair.
Nixon: what?! No! You wipe my butt.
me: Yeah, no. If I'm going to wipe your butt, you need to wipe mine. That's fair, right?
Nixon: NO! I don't wipe you! You grown up, you wipe yoursself.
me: Well, if you're not going to do that, then you need to wipe your own butt.
Nixon: I need help.
me: Well, okay then. *I fold the wipe for him and show him how to wipe*
Nixon: Oh, I know how to do this!
me: So you'll wipe your butt and no one will wipe mine?
Nixon: Yep.

I leave the bathroom and fall onto the floor in the living room, where Mac sits on the sofa, and collapse into laughter. Mac "Well played", and all I can say is "I really never think before I speak to him." I might also need to start saving for therapy.

A little catch-up, because it's been a while

   Nixon and I have been having a rough couple of days. Really, it's not my fault or his fault, I blame it on the fact that I'm sick and he is having a hard time grasping that concept. I'm not sick-in-bed sick. No, I'm sick-have-no-voice sick, which to my chatty child who loves playing "Secret Agent Mom/Secret Agent Nixon" with me, is worse than just me lying in bed watching TV with him. Why? Because I can't talk to him.
 
  I've been battling a sore throat and dry cough for almost a week now. Over the weekend I lost my voice, for a day. Normally, that's the end of the my cold: lose my voice for a day and it all goes away. I wake up the next morning feeling right as rain. For some reason, this time, that's not happening, because a couple days later I've still got the cough, sore throat and I lost my voice AGAIN, today is the second day in a row I've been voiceless.
   That's not entirely true. I have a raspy whisper of a voice, but it does nothing but annoys Nixon because when I do talk it's weak and I end up coughing from the effort afterwards. And why wouldn't I lose my voice on the only 2 days Mac has to work this week?!? Because my body hates me and might be filing for divorce with this illness, who knows?

  Yesterday, Nixon decided to start mocking my voice. For some reason this seemed like a good idea to him. Despite Time-Outs and even spankings, he still persisted in mocking me.
 
   I ended up going to the doctor because on day 3, I still had no voice and the weekend was coming. I got lucky and was seen Friday at 10am. I'm thankful for the nurse and doctor who patiently listened to my raspy whisper voice while I explained why I was there.
   The end result? I was battling laryngitis from forceful coughs caused by my allergies but I was on the verge of strep throat so I was loaded up with antibiotics to kill everything, told to keep taking Claritin for my allergies.
   My voice returned weak and raw on Saturday and by Sunday it was back in full effect. Just in time for my birthday on Monday!

   Mac and Nixon woke me up Monday morning by bringing me coffee, donuts and gifts in bed! Nixon (and Mac) said "Happy birthday, Mommy" and Nixon was most excited about the donuts. Mac was most excited about the gift he had commissioned for me several months ago, that had finally arrived on my birthday: 

It's a watercolor painting of Nixon as Iron Man! It's incredible and I was beyond words when I saw it! 

   Nixon decided to tell me, the day after my birthday, "Good morning Mommy! You're old!" and he's been saying that every day since then. At least he was kind enough not to say it on my birthday.     

   Finally, the biggest most amazing accomplishment with Nixon happened this morning: He and I can now play real games of Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock! Even better, Nixon managed to beat me twice! He beat me fair too, threw the winner fair-and-square. But he does try to cheat!
   He also likes to "cut" me with his lightsaber and tell me "Mommy, I just cut off you arms and legs! hahahaha" That's what we get for letting him watch Star Wars Episodes 1-3. 

My little self-dictator

   As a parent, a mother especially I believe, it's hard to face reality and accept that your child may have "issues" and seek to get them help. It's common to get feedback from well-meaning strangers, friends and family members like "Oh, it's a phase" or "Well, what do you expect, you spend too much time with him" and other shit along those lines.
   Recently, while facing the reality that Nixon will be going into some kind of Pre-Kindergarten this fall, I've also been faced with his less than perfect behaviors and took the first step to see if these were real "issues" on a larger scale or if they were, in fact, just a phase.
   The county we live in offers evaluations for learning and behavioral disabilities through a program called Child Find. While this info is not easy to find, on your own without guidance from the school system, it is there if you are like me and willing to spend hours scouring the Internet searching for public resources. I finally made an appointment, after explaining my concerns for Wednesday May 15th.
  What were my concerns? Nixon is easily frustrated by new tasks to the point of tantrums, he has some speech issues, he's very sensitive to sounds,he's very focused on things being done "right" if he thinks it's wrong everything is ruined. To someone else, these would seem small and like I'm overreacting  but put them all together and on any given day Nixon is a ticking time-bomb in a new environment.

   We met with the evaluator and were taken to a small classroom setup. Nixon was given a few small tasks to complete, puzzles and things of that nature, while Mac and I spoke to the evaluator about our (mostly mine) concerns. After talking to us for roughly 20 minutes, during which time Nixon completed an advanced puzzle meant to occupy him for several minutes in less than one minute, she went to spend time with Nixon one-on-one. This was when I had to focus on filling out paperwork and tune them out because I needed to resist the urge to correct Nixon's behavior. He wasn't being horrible, he was just forgetting his "please" and "thank you"s while he was constantly saying "I can't do it" a favorite phrase of his before he does a new and unfamiliar task and more than once being bossy. But this was why he was being evaluated and he was told to be himself, much like he would be in a classroom.
   He didn't like when the tasks had to change, for example switching from cutting paper to drawing suddenly. He wanted more time building blocks. He displayed his "this is ruined" behavior when he found a broken peg, but didn't flip out because it was quickly removed from his sight. He was able to hear a classroom of students through the wall and asked why they were "being so loud", the evaluator said they were learning like he was and he said "they should do it quieter, they are being too loud"...she looked over his shoulder at me and gave kind of a knowing "Oh I see" glance. He was able to copy building block patterns she made, even a more advanced setup that she didn't expect he would be able to complete...he did!
   She made notes of his language the whole time. With the exception of his "th" sounding like "f" at the end of words mostly, which is age appropriate, he is fine with language and can carry on exceptionally well for his age. He is above age-level for grammar, with his sentence structure of "Excuse me, may I please play with this box now?" according to the evaluator. I just thought I was teaching my child to be polite, I never gave a second-thought to sentence structure. 
   One of the funniest moments came during the verbal analogy part. She'd give Nixon an analogy and ask him to complete it. The first one was "Food is for eating, Milk is for_____", expecting drinking. Nope, Nixon says "cow". So she repeats it and he says "cow" again, she tries a third time and Nixon says "I said milk is for COW", she moved on and he did fine on the next 3 analogies, even correcting himself with a more appropriate word at one point: "My hand is big, your hand is____" Nixon first said "little" but then said "No, wait...my hand is small." She was impressed that he would correct himself like that.

    After all was said and done, she sat down with Mac and I again and went over her findings. She does not see anything that leads her to believe Nixon has a learning disability, first and foremost. He has no signs of being on the autism spectrum either. He does have sensory perception disorder with sounds, but we've got a firm understanding on that and are handling it appropriately at the moment.* Nixon is showing signs of being very bright, above age-level intellectually wise but (there's always a but right?) he has behavioral issues which can pose problems in a classroom environment.
   Nixon is self-dictated. He's happiest when he's setting the pace on what he's learning and doing. Which is no surprise to me, I saw him learn how to walk independently in a matter hours when he decided he was ready and potty training was the same way. When he was ready, he went from pull-ups to undies in a couple weeks...full-time, no accidents overnight even! Self-dictated? Yeah, I can see that!
   But he's not good with taking directions. Which will undoubtedly be an issue in a classroom. He's so damned bright, I want him to love school but he won't if he's getting in trouble for not listening to his teacher. Which is why the evaluator referred us to another program BEST (Behavioral/Emotional Support and Training) to help us learn how to help him control that now before he's in school.

   Overall, it was a good evaluation. Until the end. We'd mentioned Nixon's epic tantrums that happen when he's told to do something he just does not want to do. Well, he did not want to leave when our appointment was over. And he let it be known...by screeching at the top of his lungs! I was my usual calm, I've-shut-down-because-I-need-to-check-out-and-just-deal-with-him-non-emotionally-right-now self, and the evaluator and her boss both asked if this behavior was normal, and of course we replied, "When he doesn't get what he wants and a distraction doesn't work, yep, this is normal" I'm glad they got to see it. It's important they see all the behavioral issues we'd mentioned, and they're going to pass their notes onto their Occupational Therapist as well.

* I've been worried, especially since I only have one child, that I might be over-indulging Nixon and making his issues worst unintentionally. When going shopping or to a restaurant, we have his PSP with shows on it so he can watch that and focus on the familiarise of his shows rather than the noises around him. I had been worried that I was helping him "check out" of reality, but the Child Find head behaviorist actual said, given how she had been witnessing Nixon in the classroom setting, giving him something else to focus on is great. He's still out in public, getting to do things like eating out and helping with the grocery shopping, when he's comfortable enough, but he's not overwhelmed by the surroundings all-at-once. By having something for him to focus on, that we know works to keep him focused, we're providing him safety from the chaos he would otherwise be going through. The fact that I will also take him outside and let him decompress away from the site and sounds of a busy diner, is another good thing I'm doing for him. I'm not punishing him, for getting overwhelmed, I'm giving him a chance to regather himself.

   It's been hard to see Nixon struggle and not know if it's me causing the issues or if he's had genuine issues. To get actual professional opinions about him has helped. We know where to go from here, how to help him and what steps to take to help make him successful when he enters school. It's hard to admit your child isn't perfect and might need help, but the very best thing for your child is to get them that help early so they can be successful later in life.

the day my son turned into teenage girl

   Today, Nixon was a monster. Maybe it was because I'm coming down with a cold and have zero tolerance for his BS when I'm getting sick. Maybe it's because I didn't have my morning coffee. Or maybe it's because we were spending Sunday morning grocery shopping.
   Nope, it's definitely all on Nixon and his totally epic tantrum and sudden diva behavior.

   It started with Nixon whining and pouting about putting on his shirt. How on earth does child hit the exact wrong tone with mom when she's not feeling well? Seriously, whining and screeching that he "can't find the right hole!" He had his head in the right hole, but had the shirt twisted so the armholes were in the front and back of the shirt, instead of st his sides. Honest-to-gods, this was end of the world type shit!

   At the store he was pretty good, munching on his little bag of snacks most of the time, until he decided he wanted to get out. I normally don't have an issue with him helping me, but when he won't stay with me and it's stupid crowded, he's better sitting in that fucking beeping car-cart he begged for as we walked into the store than getting out and driving everyone (including dad and I) nuts. He did get back in and was content for the final few minutes of the shopping trip, with the assistance of the PSP. Yeah, judge me, I'd judge me too if I weren't trying to get out of the store with my sanity and dignity intact.

   All was good...until we were placing items on the belt at the register. Nixon decided he had enough and wanted to run around the store. Look, I get it. Shopping is really boring. I can only do so much to keep him entertained while I'm trying to compare prices and find items on my list and coupons. Plus Mac isn't great with crowds but he did let me sleep in and I hadn't finished the lists last night because I needed him to go over them with me.
   My final straw was Nixon telling me no he wasn't going to listen to me. I left the club card and coupons with Mac, grabbed my mouthy little boy and headed out of the store...right into a Matchbox cars display. Seriously, who at Safeway hates me?! Nixon stopped in his tracks, said "Mommy, I want a new car. It's so lovely" and then yelled "NO!" when I told him we were going to the car without a new car. On the way out, he did a lovely move. He dropped to his ass, and spun on the floor just lying there looking up at me like "I won, now what?!" Now what, turned out to be: me stopping, grabbing the PSP from his hand and putting it into my jacket pocket, picking Nixon up off the floor and carrying him out of the store. All in less than 10 seconds after he dropped to the floor. *a special thank you to the asshole that decided to park right on the line next to my car. I had to put Nixon in on the passengers side which is the side Mac sits on so there is not much room. with a child in mid-tantrum I don't exactly have time to move the seat up and get more room to maneuver.* Nixon was finally in his seat and he says "Mommy, you need to tell my you are sorry, because you made me cry." I asked him "Are you going to tell me you are sorry for acting out and lying down in the store?" He says "NO because you should have bought me the car" and that was when I said "NO, my little love, you are wrong. You need to listen to "no" and just accept it. Not throw a tantrum and think that you will get your way" He decided to stop talking to me after that.

   Later in the afternoon he started his dramatic ways again. More tears, more demands, more foot stomping and mood swings. I swear to gods, somehow my son changed from a 4-year-old boy to a teenage girl and I'm not happy about it. There's only room for one moody bitch in this house and I claim that honor! I have the vagina I get to be the moody bitch!

   I love him, but today was a rough one.

Family is forever...gods I hope I'm not lying to him about this.

....ah, Amber. I love to hate this damned cat! Here we are, a month later and we are still dealing with her nasty fits. We've done everything from get a pheromone plug-in for Nixon's room to keeping his door closed at all times to adding extra food and water dishes and most recently, adding a new litter box. Nothing seems to help!
   We'll get a break, where it'll seem like she's moved past it all, and then like tonight I'll walk into Nixon's bedroom and find a pile of cat shit on his bed waiting for us. The thing of it is, today, his bedroom door was closed! I had to open the door to get in! So now she's closing doors behind herself?!?! That doesn't make sense, right?
   Of course, I lose my damn cool! I'm so tired of washing Nixon's sheets, blankets, comforters.

*sigh* Not my best or brightest moment as a mom.

   Nixon was already upset that he didn't get a shower tonight. He was told it was shower time, he decided to tell me he wanted to wait. SO I let him wait...until it was bedtime. Then I told him it was bedtime and he flipped his shit because he suddenly wanted a shower. I'm picking my battles with him and he's not liking that I'm not on his ass 15,000 times to get in the shower. I told him once, twice and then when he still said "No, mommy, later" I decided that was cool. He can not take one tonight. He's going to learn.

   So, when I lost my shit over Amber's pile of shit on the bed Nixon lost his mind because he thought I was so mad I really meant all the mean and angry things I was saying about Amber.
 *deep breath*
  It took about fifteen minutes to get him calmed down and in bed. Our bed. Once he was calm, I talked to him. I told him that, even though I say mean things about Amber and even though she's still pooping on his bed, she's family and family is forever. We're not getting rid of Amber. The relief in his eyes, paired with his whimpering "Really?" said it all. I went too far and he really thought he'd wake up and Amber would be gone.
   I explained to him that just like him and Mac, Arwen and Amber are very important to me and part of our family. I told him my top loves went like this: Nixon & Mac, then Arwen, than Amber...no Bebe's after Arwen, then Amber. Nixon chuckled and asked me "Mommy, you love me and Daddy more than Arwen?" I told him "I do now." And I meant it.

   Family, this family I've made for myself, really is forever. I'm not always going to be madly in love with Mac or Nixon every minute of every day, but I don't see myself ever not loving either of them. Nixon is a no-brainer. He's my son, a piece of me, I'll always love him. Mac is more complicated. Our cats have been to Japan and back with us, they are our family. As much as Nixon and Mac can drive me nuts, Amber and Arwen can do the same thing just different ways, but they're in this family until they're no longer on this earth.
 Apparently Amber has decided to really test this motto.

  I don't know what else I can do to "fix" Amber's issues. I do know flipping out when Nixon is around isn't going to help any of us.

The saddest day as a mom so far

   Every mom knows there comes a day their child will say something just to hurt them. I never expected to hear it come out of my precious 4-year old's mouth, but I knew I wouldn't be the only mom on earth to not hear it.

   Tonight, after Nixon's shower and after he was told it was bedtime, Nixon turned to me and said "I don't like you, Mommy." Simple as that, not hate-fueled, just very matter-of-factually in the same sweet tone he uses to say "i love you". I was shocked, I was hurt, I was heart-broken. What I was not, was angry. Anger wasn't going to get me anywhere in this situation.
   We stayed in my bed for a minute longer, while Nixon continued to profess his "bossy" ways. I told him, very quietly and calmly, that his words hurt my heart a lot and they made me very sad. I didn't force an apology out of him, I didn't yell or do anything really. I was just very hurt, and shocked, that he said that to me over something he knew was coming! I make sure I give him advance warning on bedtime.

  He brushes his teeth, gets onto his bed and sits there.
He says to me, very quietly while he's fidgeting with his BeBe, "Mommy, I sorry I was bossy."
I say to him "Nixon, I'm used to you being bossy. That's part of you being 4, being a little boy. What made me sad, made my heart sad was when you said you don't like me."
Nixon said "I was only being bossy."
I replied, "Nixon, that wasn't bossy baby. That was very mean."
I gave him a kiss on the forehead and started tucking him into bed. Nixon puts his hand on my cheek and says "Mommy, I'm sorry I hurt your heart. I love you. Your my best friend."
I tell him "Thank you for apologizing baby. I love you too! You are my favorite baby boy!"

  I know he's going to say things to hurt me as he gets older. I said far worst things to my parents, but to be fair my parents were far worst parents than Mac and I are to Nixon, while I was growing up. I hope this is as bad as it gets.

broke my heart and made it better, just by using that little mouth of his. 

There are some crazy animals around me....oh and we went to the zoo too!

This weekend was as good as it was bad. Mac is back on the midnight shift, after being screwed into staying on day shift somehow for over a year. The good thing about midnights is we see him a little more and it seems Nixon gets more one-on-one morning time, while I get more sleeping time (score!!). The bad thing is, with the way Nixon naps now, he's napping when Mac leaves for work so he misses sending Mac off to work. But a phone call at bedtime seems to have made it a little easier, plus the morning alone time with Mac seems to make Nixon a happy little guy.

Friday and Saturday were pretty much a wash, due to rain. We ran errands but that was about it. So, I mentioned taking Nixon to the zoo on Sunday so he could feed the "new" baby giraffe and the elephant. Now, I know Mac hates the Okinawa Zoo because it's habitats are sad looking (especially the big cat ones....very sad, depressed animals) but he did promise to go at least once to watch Nixon feed the animals. I figured after being cooped up all weekend and having spent the last 2 weeks recovering from his vasectomy and not being able to carry or hold Nixon at all, this seemed like a fun or potentially stupid outing. It turned out to be both.

The first part of the morning, breakfast at home, was great. I made omelets for Mac and I plus turkey bacon and pancakes. Nixon had the bacon, pancakes and yogurt. I started packing our drinks and snacks for the zoo and even though we left a little late we were on our way. The zoo was far less crowded than the last time I visited on a weekend (which is a plus because Mac hates crowds) so parking was a breeze. Nixon fell asleep about 3 blocks from the zoo, but as soon as he got out of the car and saw where we were he exclaimed "Monkey!! Zoo!!" and proceeded to try to run away from me towards the elevator...Mac was not impressed.

We made it by the ride area, without an epic meltdown! Mostly, in part, due to me carrying Nixon and explaining to him we had a big surprise for him we HAD to get to, so if he was extra well-behaved we'd ride the rides after his surprise. He just pointed to the motorcycle ride-on we rode on together last time at the zoo, "dat one, momma I ride dat one" and the train and the "notty fire truck, momma, dat one" as we walked by. But no fit. I was impressed, but I think Mac was waiting for Nixon to start screaming in protest. We managed to herd him to the kangaroos, so he could show Mac the baby "roos". He took off, running his little Nixon excited lope, and I let him go knowing I was watching him and there wasn't anyone around. Mac, wanted Nixon to stay right next to us. Nixon slowed down and started pointing out the kangaroos to Mac as we walked by the habitat and I pointed out a baby kangaroo to Nixon, who said "bye bye kangloroos" as we left the area.


Now, here is the one really amazing thing that I will miss about Okinawa and it's something that not even my glass half-empty husband can complain about: For the dollar equivalent of $3.60 in yen, Nixon got to feed 3 giraffes, by hand, including the new one year-old baby giraffe! He got up close and even had his hand licked by the baby giraffe as she (I think it's a she) took the greens from his hand. As a mom, I got to see my son RUN up a sidewalk excited because he knew what was inside the building and he couldn't wait to go feed the giraffes! Plus, Mac was with him, so Mac got to see and help Nixon feed the giraffes.


After the giraffes we went to feed the elephant. For a little more (about $4.80....the yet exchange rate is 79yen to $1.00, it was 200yen each to feed the elephant) Nixon got to feed an elephant long green shoots of bamboo looking things. I took pictures and Mac got to help him feed the elephant too. We tried getting a family picture in front of the elephant, but Nixon saw the other elephant in the enclosure next to us and freaked out screaming "baby elephant!!" so no family picture in front of the elephant for me. (I openly and selfishly admit to being disappointed over this, I really wanted this photo of the 3 of us, but I can't force Nixon to sit still and stop screaming when he wants to go see something else).


The hardest part about being the stay-at-home parent vs. the working parent is parenting technique. I know Nixon, so I'm okay with letting him run off some energy at the zoo, even if it means he's a little scattered and flip flopping in what he wants to do. He's 2.5 years old, he's naturally got a short attention span to begin with. I'm used to that. Mac....not so much. And his impatience and annoyance with Nixon's behavior took a toll not only on Nixon, but also on me and ultimately our whole day. It's very hard for me to not snap at him and tell him he's being an asshole by being overbearing or trying to control the entire situation. Instead I stepped back and let the two of them battle it out, because Nixon and I have had plenty of time to "battle it out" without Mac's interference and I really think it's the only way he (Mac) is ever going to find his parenting groove. But damned if I don't feel like I'm giving up at times and failing Nixon, when I know this is actually the right thing to do.

The whole thing boiled down to the fishing pond. I have my way of doing the pond. I buy the carp food and give Nixon the box. Nixon feeds the ducks, fish and pigeons one or two boxes then we're usually good to go. I tend to stand back and watch or snap some pictures, occasionally tossing in some food pellets but for the most part letting Nixon do what he wants with the food.
With Mac with us, it was....different. I bought the food and gave the box to Nixon, but started taking pictures. Mac, totally meaning well, took the box and started showing Nixon how to throw the pellets into the water instead of just dropping them in. At first, Nixon was really into that. And then he wasn't. So Mac got frustrated. Then Nixon got more frustrated. Then I've got a pissed off, melting down toddler and a frustrated, annoyed daddy on my hands at the same time. I can't make it better for both of them, one of them is going to be pissed. I realized, I HAVE to back up and support Mac's decision, even if I don't agree with it. United front and all....damned shared parenting.
In the end, we went home without riding any rides. Nixon's meltdown was too epic to be rewarded with any sort of ride. Even if I knew how to avoid the meltdown, I'd have been stepping on Mac's parenting toes and he's got to earn his stripes somehow. It's not fun to watch or fair to let the meltdown happen, but its a lesson they both have to learn. I had to learn my lessons the hard way, Mac's gotta learn his the same way. I can't keep teaching him HOW to be a dad, at some point he's got to figure some shit out on his own.
"Pick your battles" is a phrase I am constantly telling him. So far, he's not listening. Some day it will all sink in.....

Some depth with your bacon?

Okay, while this post will have very little to do with bacon (Mac doesn't like crispy bacon....WHO doesn't like crispy bacon????) so apologies for the misdirection in advance.


Mac is out with friends, Nixon is asleep for the night and I'm thinking while listening to Fiona Apple. I'm thinking thoughts of randomness and realizing how I've changed and continue to change and likely will change again and I grow older and become mother to a school aged child then a teenager and later still mother to an adult. But wow, I just got way ahead of myself. Plus, this actually has very little to do with Nixon.

Instead, this is about marriage. More specifically, my marriage and how living in Okinawa has contributed to it being stronger. Its a foolish thing to suggest moving to a place where I knew no one but my husband and my infant son was best for my marriage. Because the reality is, those first 6 months could very well have ended it. I felt abandoned, emotionally raw from dealing with a teething infant practically alone while Mac was working midnights, I felt betrayed by all of womankind for not preparing me better for motherhood, I was unappreciated by Mac for all the meals I made/laundry I did/cleaning/organizing and my best attempts to make this home. Most of all, I was cutoff from the people I'd run to if I'd been home. I had made a couple friends, but the closest I had to a best friend turned on me and left a bad taste in my mouth for trying to cultivate another close friendship with my remaining time here.
I didn't marry my best friend. I married the man I loved and whose company I enjoyed. He knows me and my secrets and loves me all the same, but he's not my best friend. I'm not the white horse, knight in shining armour, damsel in distress kind of girl. I gave up the fairy tale long before I met Mac. I never fell for the "happily ever after" or the "love conquers all" bullshit that is forced fed to little girls in the womb. It's probably why it took me so long to find the right man for me. I was writing my own happy ending and Mac kind fell into the middle of the story.

So finally, after being so angry and so bitter and having nowhere really to go, I was forced to talk to Mac about things that bothered me. I think one day I finally explored and just had an epic fit: tears, cussing, screaming everything. Big, angry and ugly but enough to finally get Mac to pay attention. I finally had to admit if things didn't change I didn't see Nixon and I staying here. I was not bluffing either. I needed to be a priority in his life or I'd be gone.
I've had to remind him a couple times since then, but he's a lot better now. Life is better now, because with nowhere to go I'm forced to talk things over with him. I can't ignore it because when I do, I'm a volcano brewing and the eruptions are never planned and rarely end without some causalities. Plus, let's be honest here, what man really understands the words coming from a blubbering, crying mess of a woman?? NO, its much better if I come to him with something bugging me before I get to the point of blubbering. Although, tears make him realize how hurt I really am. Best not exploit that or the effect might be forever lost and there will come a time when tears will be needed and I'd hate to have only the "little boy who cried wolf" be my reality.

But, living far from friends and family is not easy. Mac and I have learned of several friends divorces in our time here. Some have been longtime coming, others shocked us and still others were statistically doomed from the beginning and therefore we lacked a real emotional response to the news, though we'd never admit that to the faces of those friends. That's something we discuss between ourselves in the comfort of our own home and within the sanctity of our marriage. Every couple has things like that, so I'm sure we're not the only couple that does that. Our technique and conversation is, no doubt, unique to us though. Our marriage is one filled with silliness, laughter, concern, mild conflicts over parenting styles mostly and love. I still love being held in his arms. I still get a silly smile on my lips thinking of our wedding (almost three years ago already!). I have moments when I can't see myself without him in my life, but I also have moments I can't picture him without me. We don't NEED each other, we WANT each other. Things get stale in marriage, its inevitable. Thankfully, we both have interests of our own we don't share and we have Nixon, not that we had him to save a marriage. He was conceived purely from our conscious decision to become parents together and out of love and planning.

Mac is blunt when it comes to marriage. Don't do it young. Live life, enjoy life and wait for the right person to come along. I share that feeling. We avoided, rather unsuccessfully, anything serious in the beginning. Until it became painfully obvious to everyone around us, that we were perfect for each other. We're not the ying yang type couple, or soulmate material, but realistically we are happy together. Mac keeps me from taking things too serious and I make him homecooked meals. The balance we discovered while living in Okinawa, may not have been possible if the option of going home for a weekend or so when things got tough had been our reality. I'm a runner. I run away and try to avoid issues. So if I'd been able to take a trip and get some distance between us when things got tough we'd never have found our solid ground. I'm also irrational when I get emotional.

And, in the same respect, parenting would've been more difficult with family around. Being here has meant we HAVE to be the parents. We have to set the rules, enforce them, punish and guide Nixon on our own. We don't always agree, but Mac is fine with following my lead for the most part. I've learned to trust my gut way more than ever before when it comes to Nixon and all things related to him. I'm desperate to not repeat my shit'tacular childhood mistakes with him. Seems like it'd be an easy task, just don't do what was done to me, right? Well, mostly but punishment and boundaries are where the biggest damages done to me happened. SO I'm stuck attempting to find balance when emotionally I'm still raw. I'm not doing horribly, but I fear I could be doing better. Nixon is such an easy going kiddo 95% of the time, that its easy to just live and let live with him. But I realize more and more everyday that I have flaws and I need to correct them before my flaws become his downfalls.

As I said, this had very little to do with bacon, but since I wrote it when most of my friends back home were starting their day, bacon seemed a fitting title.