Mom with a side of anxiety

   Last year, I was diagnosed with social anxiety and depression. I was seeing a therapist and put on medications. Christmas was rough, I started having panic attacks in public settings. I had at least 4-5 in a span of two weeks. I went back to my doctor, had a dosage adjustment and have only had one panic attack in six weeks.

    I took a big step and landed a part-time job. I started last week. It's a great fit for me, even with my social anxiety. I'm working in the warehouse of the local comic book store we frequent. I spend a large majority of my time alone. and I couldn't be more comfortable with that. I have tasks to accomplish and focus on and just keep going. I can not tell you how wonderful it is to be working again! And, thanks to the owners and managers of the store, I'm working around Mac's schedule. I could not have asked for a more awesome group of people to call co-workers!

    Everything sounds like it's going great for me, right? Honestly it's as close to perfect as I can get. Until the last 2 days. Friday night I forgot to refill one of my medications. I had plans to do it Saturday, but forgot. I finally refilled it yesterday. Saturday night I had one of my all-too familiar anxiety fueled dreams. The most awful part of these types of dreams is that, even after I wake up I still feel stuck in the dream. I don't shake the emotions the dreams bring up, even after I'm awake. I feel like I'm in a fog the whole day. I try my best to "power thru" the day, but it's not always possible.
   This morning was worse. Even though I had taken my medications last night, I fought for sleep until after 2:30am only to be tormented by more anxiety fueled dreams with a side of near panic-inducing nightmares. I woke up so anxious I couldn't take being touched///not even by Nixon. These are the days I HATE anxiety! Nixon is the most affectionate child, always giving hugs and telling us "I love you". It hurts when I have to tell him I can't be touched right now. This morning, a hug from Nixon made me feel like I was going to jump out of my skin and scream! Mac tried comforting with a simple hand on my shoulder and I nearly lost it.
 
    Skipping a day or two of my medications is not something I do regularly. In fact, I usually refill a week in advance to avoid a gap in dosages, but shit happens. Now I'm trying to get back on track and not let these demons dwelling in my head win.

    I didn't feel like writing this post. Mac suggested it. Sometimes he has a good idea. I'm glad I wrote this, because for every good day I have it gets easier to think I'm "cured". Days like today remind me of how far I've come and how quickly I could regress if I fail to take my medications. I don't want to be on meds forever, but this was an unexpected affirmation that for now, I still need them.

Coming to a classroom near you?? No, but I am going to be a room parent in Nixon's class tomorrow.....

   Good thing I just refilled my Prozac, because I have a feeling that spending the morning with almost 30 four and five-year-old kids will be amping my anxiety to the nth degree.
   Tomorrow is Halloween but it's Thursday which isn't a normal school day for Nixon, his class is doing a Halloween parade and he is allowed to go, we were given 2 choices: a) he could go Thursday and have it take the place of Friday (his usual school day) or b) I could stay and be a room parent for the day.
   I chose the later option. I get to stay and enjoy Nixon's first school Halloween event?!? Hell yeah I'll be there!

   But there's another reason I want to be there. Nixon's still saying he's having issues with a boy in his class but his teachers aren't witnessing anything. Monday Nixon had a small bruise on his face but neither of his teachers mentioned what happened and Nixon was in the middle of a meltdown when we picked him up.

   So what should I expect as a room parent? I have no idea! His class is always loud, full of energized kids and tomorrow they'll be in costumes enjoying the Halloween festivities! I think the hardest part I'll be facing is letting the teachers handle Nixon and not deal with him myself. I'm on their turf and need to let them do their job.

   Most of all, I'm grateful I have the ability to go to school with Nixon for a day. It hasn't been easy, my being home for the last almost-5 years, but there are perks. This is one of those perks. Soon enough I'll be going back to work but for now, I'm enjoying these moments as they happen.

   In other news, today was Nixon's first school picture day. I took a couple practice photos of him at home, so he knew what would be expected of him at school as we've never really done posed photos before with him.

before school cutie pic. he picked out the tie himself!

"Please stop saying BOMB in public"....why the hell do I have to repeatedly tell this to my 4-year old?!?!

   For some reason Nixon has suddenly become obsessed with "throwing bombs" and running. Not real bombs, mind you. But he wants to tell me "Mom, I just threw a bomb at you, you blew up." I know pretend play is just that, pretend, but there are so many uptight assholes in the world today that might overhear that and actually think my child has a bomb and do something drastic.

   It's for that reason alone, I've started to tell Nixon, when he says anything about bombs, grenades or guns, in public "Nixon, it's okay to play pretend at home, but when we're out of the house you can't talk about those things. Some people won't know it's just pretend and they'll get very nervous and upset."

   I'm trying to curb this new verbal habit of his before he starts preschool in the fall (fingers crossed that he gets a spot). I want him to thrive at school and I'm not totally sure what the school's policy is regarding things like gun-play, to be honest, I'd prefer it to be a non-issue. As in something I never have to worry about because Nixon does not have issues with it outside of the home. Mac has stopped playing video games while Nixon is awake, we're more vigilant about the shows watches because of his behaviors. He wasn't becoming violent, more he was acting desensitized to real-life violence finding it funny....that was a big red flag for me and I was straight up "HELL NO" when that happened.
  I was watching the news, and there was a segment about a violent break-in caught on a nanny cam. The robber brutally beat the home owner and it was caught by the newly installed nanny cam. Nixon happened to come into the living room (he was in the kitchen, eating dinner) and saw the video, he started laughing. I was crying because I was so upset that I couldn't get him to understand it was a real crime, a real person being hurt and not a made-up funny TV thing. He kept telling me "And he kicked her in the face HAHA"
    He eventually noticed I was sitting on the sofa, quietly crying. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that the lady on TV was badly hurt by a bad man. The police were trying to find the man that hurt her, which is why the video was being shown on TV. I told him, honestly, it hurt my heart that he was laughing and I was scared that he thought hurting people was funny. I then told him that lady was a mommy, like me, and her baby was in the room watching her get hurt.
    He said "Mommy, that's sad. Did the man hurt the baby too?" Thankfully, I could tell him the truth, no the baby was not hurt.
    Nixon said "Mommy, don't cry. The naughties (police in Nixonese) will find him and he'll go away." I hope it sunk in, I don't want him thinking hurting people is funny.

   Ugg....who knew this was the age I'd have to worry about this shit with him?!?!

"Mommy's brain is broken, kind of"...explaining things to a 4-year old so he understands them without being scared

  Last night Nixon had an extra late night. He stayed up until almost midnight! He was in bed with me watching a movie on TV being good and quiet. Since Mac was working I was okay with a slumber party/movie night in our bed.
   I had to go downstairs and take my medications for the night. I told Nixon I as running downstairs to get my meds and Nixon says "Mommy, I need meds too. I am sick." *sigh* This is when I have to explain to my 4-year old that my medications aren't for an illness but for my "broken brain".
me: Nixon, I take medication because my brain doesn't work right not because I'm sick.
Nixon: You brain is broken?
me: Yeah, kind of. It doesn't work like it's supposed to. The medicine helps it work like a regular person's brain. Like yours does.
Nixon: Because my brain isn't broken?
me: No, baby, your brain isn't broken.
Nixon: How did your brain break?
me: Oh, well, I didn't have a good childhood and my brain worked differently to help me deal with it. Now my brain thinks that's a proper way to function.
Nixon: But you brain is broken!
me: Yep, it doesn't know it is, but I realize it doesn't work like it should.
Nixon: Can I see you brain?
*I get on the bed so he can look at my head*
Nixon: I see it mommy! I see your broken brain. It's cracked right here *points*
me: Wow! You can really see it?!
Nixon: I'm going to kiss it, so you feel better. Then you can go take your medicine and be a good mommy for me, okay?
me: *almost tearing up* Okay, baby.

walls closing in on me and boob grabbing good times

Here it is, the last full week of January already.
Wait! What?!?!? No, that can't be right! I mean, it was just New Year's Eve, like.....a week ago or something, wasn't it??
Didn't we JUST get the official orders to Annapolis?
Didn't Nixon just start wearing undies to bed at night??

No? Really? It's been almost a month for all of that? Well, shit! Guess I've got some work to do huh?

Well, this is what I've done so far:
* bagged up Nixon's outgrown clothes and shoes (separated by sizes and tops/bottoms), posted for sale.
* posted for sale 3 complete book series by 3 authors I adore (in an effort to keep up my end of the deal that got me my Kobo and lighten our weight going home)
* cleaned 2 strollers and a car seat....FYI: convertible car seat with 5 point harness HUGE fucking pain in the ass to take the cover off to clean. If you aren't cussing at it and threatening the manufacturers of the seat, you aren't cleaning it!  
* Sold a stroller (yay!!)
* waited 2.5 hours today, with Mac (goddess bless my geeky husband and his magical pocket of gadgets...we watched Big Bang Theory while waiting for our turn at the vet!) took both cats and they are now up-to-date on shots!! I am very disappointed that I did not get to see someone get their face ripped off by the dogs that were stressed out from waiting at the vet walk-in clinic hours and were not listening to the "shhhhh, it's okay, I'm right here". Here's a tip, when the dog is a 100+lb rott and he's skittish with a HUGE alpha dog complex (disliked and launched at any other big dog that came into the clinic) probably not a good idea to just walk-in, better off making an appointment for the big boy, cause he was scaring a couple of the vet techs there which is NEVER a good thing!
* cleaned out closets and have a large box of old toys to donate as well as 3-4 bags of my clothes to donate. (Anyone else have toys that mate in closets?? No, just me? I swear the last time I checked this one closet there were 3 bags of toys. I opened it last night....5 bags of toys!! And why did Nixon beeline to the loudest, most obnoxious toys in the closet?!?!? It was as if they were a lighthouse and Nixon was a boat lost out at sea! "Mommy, I needs the truck!")
* bought 2 tickets for Nixon and I to go on a short kiddie group tour on Monday to a zoo I've been wanting to go to with him.

So why do I feel like I haven't gotten anything done?? Because this is where my anxiety hides. Deep in the corner of my mind where I can't see it, but I can feel the pressure of it pushing me down, hitting me from behind, whispering in me ear in the dark when I fall asleep "it's not enough, you'll never get everything done, there's so much to do, you haven't even started.....xxxxx". Then my heart starts racing, I hear my pulse in my ears, I get hot and flushed, I toss and turn, I kick the covers off my legs and then pull them up over my ears. I close my eyes again and slowly fall into the tunnel of sleep....stressful, panicky, not really restful sleep.



Did I mention Nixon is now in a stage of total mindlessly grabbing my breasts? He does the double handful (well at this age, for him they are a handful!) shuffle with them, while asking me to pick him up! Except, he seems to like rubbing his face on them during hugs too, like mini-motorboating! I think it's harmless, Mac think it needs to be discouraged....whatever. It's a phase right??? I mean he did get nursed from them, so it's not so bad. He's not grabbing random woman's boobs, he's grabbing mine...his mom's. One day, he'll really hate stories like this!

Finally, a conversation with Nixon:
(on the way to K's house today before going to the vet)
Nixon: Mommy, are we going to Miss Macy's?
me: yes we are. I'm going to leave you there because the cats are going to the doctors. Is that okay?
Nixon: Okay. I like Miss Macy. She's my friend.
me: Is she your best friend?
Nixon: Yeah!
me: Is she your favorite person?
Nixon: Um, no.
me: No?
Nixon: No, Mommy, she's my friend not a person!

how do you argue with the logic of a 3 year old?? I didn't, I was laughing too hard!