Random MOM-ments: just relax

Sunday, February 17, 2013

the day my son turned into teenage girl

Today, Nixon was a monster. Maybe it was because I'm coming down with a cold and have zero tolerance for his BS when I'm getting sick. Maybe it's because I didn't have my morning coffee. Or maybe it's because we were spending Sunday morning grocery shopping.
Nope, it's definitely all on Nixon and his totally epic tantrum and sudden diva behavior.

It started with Nixon whining and pouting about putting on his shirt. How on earth does child hit the exact wrong tone with mom when she's not feeling well? Seriously, whining and screeching that he "can't find the right hole!" He had his head in the right hole, but had the shirt twisted so the armholes were in the front and back of the shirt, instead of st his sides. Honest-to-gods, this was end of the world type shit!

At the store he was pretty good, munching on his little bag of snacks most of the time, until he decided he wanted to get out. I normally don't have an issue with him helping me, but when he won't stay with me and it's stupid crowded, he's better sitting in that fucking beeping car-cart he begged for as we walked into the store than getting out and driving everyone (including dad and I) nuts. He did get back in and was content for the final few minutes of the shopping trip, with the assistance of the PSP. Yeah, judge me, I'd judge me too if I weren't trying to get out of the store with my sanity and dignity intact.

All was good...until we were placing items on the belt at the register. Nixon decided he had enough and wanted to run around the store. Look, I get it. Shopping is really boring. I can only do so much to keep him entertained while I'm trying to compare prices and find items on my list and coupons. Plus Mac isn't great with crowds but he did let me sleep in and I hadn't finished the lists last night because I needed him to go over them with me.
My final straw was Nixon telling me no he wasn't going to listen to me. I left the club card and coupons with Mac, grabbed my mouthy little boy and headed out of the store...right into a Matchbox cars display. Seriously, who at Safeway hates me?! Nixon stopped in his tracks, said "Mommy, I want a new car. It's so lovely" and then yelled "NO!" when I told him we were going to the car without a new car. On the way out, he did a lovely move. He dropped to his ass, and spun on the floor just lying there looking up at me like "I won, now what?!" Now what, turned out to be: me stopping, grabbing the PSP from his hand and putting it into my jacket pocket, picking Nixon up off the floor and carrying him out of the store. All in less than 10 seconds after he dropped to the floor. *a special thank you to the asshole that decided to park right on the line next to my car. I had to put Nixon in on the passengers side which is the side Mac sits on so there is not much room. with a child in mid-tantrum I don't exactly have time to move the seat up and get more room to maneuver.* Nixon was finally in his seat and he says "Mommy, you need to tell my you are sorry, because you made me cry." I asked him "Are you going to tell me you are sorry for acting out and lying down in the store?" He says "NO because you should have bought me the car" and that was when I said "NO, my little love, you are wrong. You need to listen to "no" and just accept it. Not throw a tantrum and think that you will get your way" He decided to stop talking to me after that.

Later in the afternoon he started his dramatic ways again. More tears, more demands, more foot stomping and mood swings. I swear to gods, somehow my son changed from a 4-year-old boy to a teenage girl and I'm not happy about it. There's only room for one moody bitch in this house and I claim that honor! I have the vagina I get to be the moody bitch!

I love him, but today was a rough one.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Insane, coping or just cracking up??

This past Saturday, Mac gave me the day to myself. We did our usual breakfast together, as a family, and then we came home and I was "free"!!! I gathered my camera, cellphone (this is not always with me. Unlike back in the states where my cell was glues to my hand, here it's frequently left in my purse or on a shelf forgotten and unused for days), iPod, tablet, wallet, hoodie and car keys. Tossed the essentials in my purse, kissed the boys goodbye, grabbed directions to my first and only planned location for the day, and headed out. I spent a little over 5 1/2 hours just driving around the island, stopping randomly to take photos and following my gut on where I wanted to go. I went to a sunflower festival, one castle ruin site, I drove to an island off Okinawa stopping at a rest stop on the bridge halfway there and watched the locals fish, I went to a tomb on the island and got the weirdest vibe that I was most unwelcome there and promptly left, continued driving on the island until I reached a small beach where I was befriended by a most curious little calico kitten. The whole time, I don't remember one thing I thought about. I let myself be free and not dwell on much of anything. I thought of my sister while walking through the sunflower maze because she loves sunflowers! I thought how odd it was that an obviously stray kitten, would just wander up to me and lie down beside me like she's known me all her life or as if she had been expecting me, when I'd witness her shy away from the few other occupants of the same beach. I considered myself lucky that she granted me the pleasure of her presence and I thanked her for her company when I left to head home.
For those few hours, I remembered how it felt to be alone in my head.

Until I got home and started to reflect on my day. Then my anxiety seemed to get the best of me and it was in a most ridiculous manner. I drove over 2 large bridges to get to the small island I spent apart of my day exploring. After I was safely home and had tucked Nixon into bed, I started thinking of things that could have gone wrong. What if there had been an earthquake and one of the bridges was destroyed?? How would I have gotten back to Mac and Nixon? I didn't even know the island I was on and I didn't speak enough Japanese to get by! How would I have asked for help or a place to stay in that kind of situation?? I was really freaking out, even though I was home and none of that happened! I was just walking around, assuming I'd be safe alone, with only my camera/car keys and cellphone in a foreign country being very obviously not from there! I'd felt perfectly at peace while doing it, but for some reason when I came home and saw my husband and son, I felt like I had taken HUGE risks doing it and still don't get it. Shouldn't those feelings have been coming up WHILE I was out there doing it??
Wow, I might be a little more fucked up that I gave myself credit for!! (Yes, I do realize I NEED to make another appointment with my mental health doctor. It just amazes me how these things seem to creep up on me despite my best efforts to just be normal and relax.)

Lately, with the move and Nixon's tantrums and defiant attitude, I feel I'm never alone in my head. I'm constantly making lists and trying to check things off one by one. Or I'm going over a situation for 2-5 different possible angles and I'm questioning and doubting myself and the way I handled it. I read too much into everything these days because I'm spending so much time alone with Nixon, since Mac is on midnight's and having to go in on days off (today and yesterday) to get our travel packet done and handed in. It's shit like that, that's out of my control that really push my into overdrive! If it were up to me, that fucking packet would've been done and in by Feb 1st. But now we're almost to the middle of the goddamned month and it's still not fucking done! The longer it takes, the longer we wait to get travel dates and I need a fucking travel date because I NEED to know my cats are coming home with us!! But it seems that no matter how many times I explain this to him, Mac does what Mac does and just tells me to relax!

Relax....as if it's magically going to get better because he said a word and told me to do it! Well, It doesn't get better. In fact, I can "relax" during the day, but you know what ends up happening? I end up with panicky dreams and tossing and turning nights because MY MIND WON'T FUCKING RELAX UNTIL SOMETHING FUCKING HAPPENS!!

So insane or just cracking up?? I haven't decided yet. I know what the issues are. I can control them while I'm awake, it's just while I'm sleeping that they get the better of me....

And now, some photos from my Saturday Alone :)