I'm so lucky Nixon is mine....he's so sweet, loving, silly and mine! This is a short blog of mommy drivel, feel free to ignore it if you want.

    I'm about to be an aunt for the 4th time (by my sister anyhow, many more if you count the in-laws and the better-than-blood nieces and nephews) tomorrow morning. My sister is having a little boy some time tomorrow. She was due last week, but like all her other babies, this one too needs to be evicted.
     She's being by medical terminology induced. I prefer she's giving eviction notice to her uterus' latest tenant, aka Uterus Eviction Day! It just sounds like more fun than induction or induced.

    I was telling Nixon he was getting a new cousin tomorrow and he got excited. He asked me if this "was the baby in Aunt Snotface's tummy?", which I said yes. Then I told him we were going to see him next month. This little sweetheart of a boy, that I evicted from my uterus, said to me "I can't wait! I want to put him down for a nap, before the moon is in the sky, because that's when all babies are safe." His newest cousin is not even here and Nixon wants to keep him safe. I might be raising the lovingest boy ever!
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On an unrelated note:
Last week Nixon and I watched a bunny in our backyard for over 15 minutes. I took photos of it, and Nixon sat quietly in a chair watching it:

 

7 year itch?? Nah, not in this house!

    Ever have those future "what-if" conversations with your husband/wife or significant other? Occasionally, mac and I have them and they are really random. The most recent one was last week as we were celebrating the 7 year anniversary of our first date.

   Someone had asked if I was getting "itchy" now that it was 7 years. (You know that old adage of the 7 year itch?) Mac and I were talking about it and how we felt like we really were too perfectly matched to find anyone else who would put up with us, like each other does.
   I said "Well, if this ever falls apart I'm not dating. Do you know how impossible it'd be to find a guy who is childless NOW at my age?!" I was totally serious too. While I adore Nixon, I'm not looking for, nor do I ever picture myself with a blended family. I'm too selfish to share myself, my partner and my son with someone else's family which is what a blended family is all about. I admire women who step-up and do the step-mom/step-family thing. It's never easy from what I've witnessed.
 
   As for me? Itch or not. I'm willing to fight and work for what I've got right now. Mac and I haven't hit bumps we can't smooth out over time and I'm not tired of his face yet. I'll keep him. Besides, look at the adorable child we made together. Who wouldn't want to stay with the man who helped create that/him with me?!?

   Our family is odd an unconventional for sure. We have bad days and good days. But when I have my bad days and it feels like my world is crumbling around me, Mac is my rock. He's the person I turn too when I need support or a laugh. I can't imagine ever wanting to let go of the security I feel when he holds me.

   So, 7 year itch be damned! We're 7 years since our first date and still going strong!

Ugg...why doesn't anyone tell you how horrible 4 is?!?

   Well, my Saturday is off to a fine start. How is everyone else's? I hope for your sakes, not anything like mine is going. Unless you are a mortal enemy of mine and then I hope you are having the same day times 5. Which would only be possible if you have 5 kids or quintuplets.

   Nixon is currently in his room, and is there until he decides to leave his room clothed. He's in his jammies, but is refusing to change for the day. Fine, I'm tired of this constant battle of the wills. Not going to change your clothes, stay in your room. Done!

   While I'm dealing with this at home before I've had my coffee even Mac is off waiting for a comic book signing at Third Eye Comics, where he's been since 7am. It's an ongoing theme lately. I deal with Nixon's tantrums and Mac is....well, anywhere but home. True, a lot of the time he's working or doing something work related, but this week it's also been him doing things he likes doing...alone. Which translates to he gets free time and I get? Another wonderful tantrum, strong-willed filled day of Nixon fun. *sigh*

   After 20 minutes in his room, Nixon came down and got dressed then asked to go see Daddy. Before we left (I made a cup of coffee) I warned Nixon that if he acted up and didn't listen to Mac or myself, I would bring him back home.

   We left the house and got to Third Eye Comics without issue. Nixon was a gem, sitting in his chair while I actually got to have a conversation with another adult about something I enjoyed! He started watching his PSP, but was soon enamored with a friend's pet rat. The rat was replaced by solitaire on our friend's phone, which Nixon was quite good at surprisingly enough.

    Everything was good, until Nixon decided to run around and stop listening. Enter me. I picked him up, carried him (screeching at the top of his lungs) to the car, and we left. He was warned and now I was following through. He was upset, wanted to go back to Daddy, but that wasn't happening.

   And Mac? He's still at the comic book store, waiting in line for the signing. To be fair, he did offer to come home, before Nixon and I got there, to help get Nixon ready. I declined because forcing Nixon to get ready wasn't going to fix anything. Nixon needed to make the choice himself.

   It's frustrating that my days are filled with tantrums and plans getting shelved because Nixon won't behave, but Mac's life and plans go on. It's a cycle we go through every 6-9 months. We'll be on really good and equal ground for a while than BAM! I'm losing all my sanity and he's getting a lot of breaks. It balances out in the end, it's just been a little harder since I suck at making friends. Wait, does a bottle of wine count as a friend? Cause if it does then I've had a couple new friends in the past two months, but it ended abruptly when I realized they were empty and I was tipsy.

My little self-dictator

   As a parent, a mother especially I believe, it's hard to face reality and accept that your child may have "issues" and seek to get them help. It's common to get feedback from well-meaning strangers, friends and family members like "Oh, it's a phase" or "Well, what do you expect, you spend too much time with him" and other shit along those lines.
   Recently, while facing the reality that Nixon will be going into some kind of Pre-Kindergarten this fall, I've also been faced with his less than perfect behaviors and took the first step to see if these were real "issues" on a larger scale or if they were, in fact, just a phase.
   The county we live in offers evaluations for learning and behavioral disabilities through a program called Child Find. While this info is not easy to find, on your own without guidance from the school system, it is there if you are like me and willing to spend hours scouring the Internet searching for public resources. I finally made an appointment, after explaining my concerns for Wednesday May 15th.
  What were my concerns? Nixon is easily frustrated by new tasks to the point of tantrums, he has some speech issues, he's very sensitive to sounds,he's very focused on things being done "right" if he thinks it's wrong everything is ruined. To someone else, these would seem small and like I'm overreacting  but put them all together and on any given day Nixon is a ticking time-bomb in a new environment.

   We met with the evaluator and were taken to a small classroom setup. Nixon was given a few small tasks to complete, puzzles and things of that nature, while Mac and I spoke to the evaluator about our (mostly mine) concerns. After talking to us for roughly 20 minutes, during which time Nixon completed an advanced puzzle meant to occupy him for several minutes in less than one minute, she went to spend time with Nixon one-on-one. This was when I had to focus on filling out paperwork and tune them out because I needed to resist the urge to correct Nixon's behavior. He wasn't being horrible, he was just forgetting his "please" and "thank you"s while he was constantly saying "I can't do it" a favorite phrase of his before he does a new and unfamiliar task and more than once being bossy. But this was why he was being evaluated and he was told to be himself, much like he would be in a classroom.
   He didn't like when the tasks had to change, for example switching from cutting paper to drawing suddenly. He wanted more time building blocks. He displayed his "this is ruined" behavior when he found a broken peg, but didn't flip out because it was quickly removed from his sight. He was able to hear a classroom of students through the wall and asked why they were "being so loud", the evaluator said they were learning like he was and he said "they should do it quieter, they are being too loud"...she looked over his shoulder at me and gave kind of a knowing "Oh I see" glance. He was able to copy building block patterns she made, even a more advanced setup that she didn't expect he would be able to complete...he did!
   She made notes of his language the whole time. With the exception of his "th" sounding like "f" at the end of words mostly, which is age appropriate, he is fine with language and can carry on exceptionally well for his age. He is above age-level for grammar, with his sentence structure of "Excuse me, may I please play with this box now?" according to the evaluator. I just thought I was teaching my child to be polite, I never gave a second-thought to sentence structure. 
   One of the funniest moments came during the verbal analogy part. She'd give Nixon an analogy and ask him to complete it. The first one was "Food is for eating, Milk is for_____", expecting drinking. Nope, Nixon says "cow". So she repeats it and he says "cow" again, she tries a third time and Nixon says "I said milk is for COW", she moved on and he did fine on the next 3 analogies, even correcting himself with a more appropriate word at one point: "My hand is big, your hand is____" Nixon first said "little" but then said "No, wait...my hand is small." She was impressed that he would correct himself like that.

    After all was said and done, she sat down with Mac and I again and went over her findings. She does not see anything that leads her to believe Nixon has a learning disability, first and foremost. He has no signs of being on the autism spectrum either. He does have sensory perception disorder with sounds, but we've got a firm understanding on that and are handling it appropriately at the moment.* Nixon is showing signs of being very bright, above age-level intellectually wise but (there's always a but right?) he has behavioral issues which can pose problems in a classroom environment.
   Nixon is self-dictated. He's happiest when he's setting the pace on what he's learning and doing. Which is no surprise to me, I saw him learn how to walk independently in a matter hours when he decided he was ready and potty training was the same way. When he was ready, he went from pull-ups to undies in a couple weeks...full-time, no accidents overnight even! Self-dictated? Yeah, I can see that!
   But he's not good with taking directions. Which will undoubtedly be an issue in a classroom. He's so damned bright, I want him to love school but he won't if he's getting in trouble for not listening to his teacher. Which is why the evaluator referred us to another program BEST (Behavioral/Emotional Support and Training) to help us learn how to help him control that now before he's in school.

   Overall, it was a good evaluation. Until the end. We'd mentioned Nixon's epic tantrums that happen when he's told to do something he just does not want to do. Well, he did not want to leave when our appointment was over. And he let it be known...by screeching at the top of his lungs! I was my usual calm, I've-shut-down-because-I-need-to-check-out-and-just-deal-with-him-non-emotionally-right-now self, and the evaluator and her boss both asked if this behavior was normal, and of course we replied, "When he doesn't get what he wants and a distraction doesn't work, yep, this is normal" I'm glad they got to see it. It's important they see all the behavioral issues we'd mentioned, and they're going to pass their notes onto their Occupational Therapist as well.

* I've been worried, especially since I only have one child, that I might be over-indulging Nixon and making his issues worst unintentionally. When going shopping or to a restaurant, we have his PSP with shows on it so he can watch that and focus on the familiarise of his shows rather than the noises around him. I had been worried that I was helping him "check out" of reality, but the Child Find head behaviorist actual said, given how she had been witnessing Nixon in the classroom setting, giving him something else to focus on is great. He's still out in public, getting to do things like eating out and helping with the grocery shopping, when he's comfortable enough, but he's not overwhelmed by the surroundings all-at-once. By having something for him to focus on, that we know works to keep him focused, we're providing him safety from the chaos he would otherwise be going through. The fact that I will also take him outside and let him decompress away from the site and sounds of a busy diner, is another good thing I'm doing for him. I'm not punishing him, for getting overwhelmed, I'm giving him a chance to regather himself.

   It's been hard to see Nixon struggle and not know if it's me causing the issues or if he's had genuine issues. To get actual professional opinions about him has helped. We know where to go from here, how to help him and what steps to take to help make him successful when he enters school. It's hard to admit your child isn't perfect and might need help, but the very best thing for your child is to get them that help early so they can be successful later in life.

Stop me if you've heard this before

   In one week from today my mother-in-law will be arriving to spend a week with us. We haven't seen her since Nixon's birthday and I was not at my best, mentally wise. She'll be here one week before Mother's Day, which is cool since we haven't seen her for Mother's Day since....well, before Nixon was here.

   That story goes like this:
Mac and I got married in March 2008. I found out I was pregnant in late-March/early-April, but we decided to wait to tell everyone because I'm superstitious and it seemed awesome that the end of the first trimester was very close to Mother's Day.
Not telling family for 11 weeks....hardest thing ever!
Mac and I had already made plans to fly to Miami and spend the weekend with his mom. We saw my family in March, so this was our first trip to visit his family since getting married. We had planned on not telling his mom until Mother's Day, but had to change that a little. I had horrible all day nausea and I'd lost over 15 lbs by the time we went to Miami. His mom knew something was up. I looked awful! I was super tired (tried passing it off as being tired from the early flight without success) and I couldn't keep anything down.
We went out to dinner with Mac mom, step-dad, brothers, sister-in-law and her family. I was trying to eat and not get super sick. Mac and I decided, since everyone was there and it was obviously going to be a long weekend, we were going to tell everyone after dinner.
As everyone may or may not know, Mac's mom is Vietnamese. Mac is half-Vietnamese but never showed much interest in that side of his heritage. (trust me this is important)
As everyone was getting coffee and dessert, Mac puts his arm around me and says to his mom, "Mom, how do you say "grandma" in Vietnamese?". She starts to explain, it depends on if it's the maternal or paternal side of the family. Then pauses and says "Why do you ask?". Mac says, calm and deadpan as can be, "Well, because you're going to be one."
Cue my mother-in-law asking "Are you serious?" a few times, other family members giving us hugs and congrats and my mother-in-law telling me "I knew you looked more than just tired!"

   (Fast forward to our next visit to Miami before we left to move to Okinawa, when I fell in love with my mother-in-law's Pho...it's a soup that is A-maz-ING! But when I was pregnant, I could barely stomach the smell, let alone the taste. Thank gods, Nixon left my body and I could like my mother-in-law's awesome food once he did)

   It seems crazy that it was five years ago that we told everyone Nixon (at the time Squishy) was incubating in me. I can not imagine my life without him, without Mac and without my awesome mother-in-law.

  Here's to an awesome visit, a wonderful night-out with my husband and Nixon getting some quality time with his Nana while I remain in much better spirits than our last visit.

My inner demons won't stop me from parenting my son how I see fit....and fuck you if you don't agree!

  I've struggled with writing this blog, for fear of the backlash, for a week now. I first went to a closed group on facebook looking for support and found judgement and condemnation. Last night, as fate saw fit to send me a kind and loving shoulder to lean on in the form of a BFF, I found the strength to be true to myself and confidant in my parenting choices.

   It started last weekend. After weeks of Nixon's behavior getting worse and worse, I'd finally had enough. We had tried everything: time outs, taking toys away, no tv time, taking everything away, talking to him about his behavior, rewards for good behavior. Nothing worked effectively. His behavior in public was becoming horrific, despite our repeated removing him from the store to the car as soon as he acted up.
  I finally had to make a decision I didn't want to and I fought desperately to avoid: I had to use spanking. But, I wasn't going straight into it, I was going to give warnings, chances to avoid the spanking and then only one spanking. I never spank out of anger. NEVER! If I can't rationally sit with Nixon and talk about why I spanked him, I won't do it. Spanking is not a means to control him, its a means to help him learn that his actions have consequences.
   Over that weekend, Nixon got a handful of spankings. Every single one of them, he got his warnings, continued to go about doing what he was doing, and got the resulting spanking. He gets a swat on the bottom, enough to make him realize we mean business, but I'm not aiming to leave marks on him.
   The one that really bothered me, and I felt made me "that" mom, happened Sunday night at the grocery store. Nixon was asked to help us do the shopping and stay out of the cart, without his PSP. A first, but I want him more connected to us and paying attention to us. He was doing really great for half the trip, he loved picking out the cats canned food! But, the empty frozen food aisle seemed to be a sirens call he couldn't resist. He slowly started to stray down the aisle, warning 1...started running down the aisle, warning 2....full-on bolted down the aisle, no more warning. He came over to me as soon as he saw me holding up 3 fingers, he knew what was coming. I realized there was no one around, I popped his ass right there in the ice cream section! His tears started, Mac and I took a couple minutes and calmed him down, talking to him (still in the frozen food section) about why he got the spanking and how he could avoid getting another one. He calmed down, and stayed right next to the cart with me the remaining time in the store.
 
 Am I proud I'm spanking my child? No. That's not the point of this. The point is, I'm parenting my child in a way that works for him and in doing so I'm putting my own personal conflicts behind me. It'd be easy for me to use my abusive childhood as a reason to not spank, and I admit I never intended to spank at all. But the more head strong and imaginative Nixon gets, the more difficult it is to punish him effectively. Time out became a time for him to play with his imagination. How do you tell a child to not play with his invisible friends, if he's staying in his time out area? He's not breaking the rules, he's being quiet, and doing his time, he's just having conversations with his "friends". You can't break a child's imagination. He was looking at the wall, like he was supposed to. He knew why he was in time out, he'd tell me why he was there. It just wasn't effective.

  The point is, since I made the decision to actively parent Nixon and use spankings, he's listening and paying attention. Last night we went to the airport to pick up Franny. Her flight came in around 1030pm, which is about an hour to an hour and a half past Nixon's normal bedtime. I was dreading it thinking he'd be a tired monster.
  I was wrong. He was a delight. Held my hand, listened to me, sat next to me while Franny grabbed her bags. The only time he got a little upset was when he had to stop playing with Aunt Franny because we reached the parking garage.
  A complete and total turn-around from a couple weeks ago.
  He's not a changed kid, he's still the same, but he knows to listen and do as he's told when asked because there are consequences. The warnings are enough now.

 I don't expect everyone to agree with my parenting choices. But I'm damned sick and fucking tired of being made to feel like a bad parent because I am being a fucking parent! I'm doing everything I can to help shape Nixon into a productive member of society and I'm not aiming to ruin him like I was ruined by abuse. It's a fine line, but I'm walking it with my head straight and my shoulders back. I want Nixon to know that his actions have consequences. It took only a few spankings for him to grasp that. I haven't had to spank him in 4 days now. I'm not saying spanking is the answer, but I'm also not going to let my child act up in public or set the rules at home because I'm too afraid to spank if that's the effective method.

   I can't expect Nixon to be a strong individual in himself, if I can't be a strong role model as a mother. 

Family is forever...gods I hope I'm not lying to him about this.

....ah, Amber. I love to hate this damned cat! Here we are, a month later and we are still dealing with her nasty fits. We've done everything from get a pheromone plug-in for Nixon's room to keeping his door closed at all times to adding extra food and water dishes and most recently, adding a new litter box. Nothing seems to help!
   We'll get a break, where it'll seem like she's moved past it all, and then like tonight I'll walk into Nixon's bedroom and find a pile of cat shit on his bed waiting for us. The thing of it is, today, his bedroom door was closed! I had to open the door to get in! So now she's closing doors behind herself?!?! That doesn't make sense, right?
   Of course, I lose my damn cool! I'm so tired of washing Nixon's sheets, blankets, comforters.

*sigh* Not my best or brightest moment as a mom.

   Nixon was already upset that he didn't get a shower tonight. He was told it was shower time, he decided to tell me he wanted to wait. SO I let him wait...until it was bedtime. Then I told him it was bedtime and he flipped his shit because he suddenly wanted a shower. I'm picking my battles with him and he's not liking that I'm not on his ass 15,000 times to get in the shower. I told him once, twice and then when he still said "No, mommy, later" I decided that was cool. He can not take one tonight. He's going to learn.

   So, when I lost my shit over Amber's pile of shit on the bed Nixon lost his mind because he thought I was so mad I really meant all the mean and angry things I was saying about Amber.
 *deep breath*
  It took about fifteen minutes to get him calmed down and in bed. Our bed. Once he was calm, I talked to him. I told him that, even though I say mean things about Amber and even though she's still pooping on his bed, she's family and family is forever. We're not getting rid of Amber. The relief in his eyes, paired with his whimpering "Really?" said it all. I went too far and he really thought he'd wake up and Amber would be gone.
   I explained to him that just like him and Mac, Arwen and Amber are very important to me and part of our family. I told him my top loves went like this: Nixon & Mac, then Arwen, than Amber...no Bebe's after Arwen, then Amber. Nixon chuckled and asked me "Mommy, you love me and Daddy more than Arwen?" I told him "I do now." And I meant it.

   Family, this family I've made for myself, really is forever. I'm not always going to be madly in love with Mac or Nixon every minute of every day, but I don't see myself ever not loving either of them. Nixon is a no-brainer. He's my son, a piece of me, I'll always love him. Mac is more complicated. Our cats have been to Japan and back with us, they are our family. As much as Nixon and Mac can drive me nuts, Amber and Arwen can do the same thing just different ways, but they're in this family until they're no longer on this earth.
 Apparently Amber has decided to really test this motto.

  I don't know what else I can do to "fix" Amber's issues. I do know flipping out when Nixon is around isn't going to help any of us.

From a secret location.....

  Where to start...where to start..

How about here? We got our place!! We moved in Thursday evening and the cats, while at the moment were still in one room together, are where they belong and will soon have free reign of the new place. Nixon will once again have his own room as will Mac and I. FINALLY!!

In other news: I needed a break and had heard my dad is kind of in a bad place emotionally speaking, so Nixon and I took our first road trip together. I'm spending the weekend at home in Western New York. It was a very last minute decision so no one got a lot of warning. I did wait until I arrived to call Marsha (aka my grandmother) and let her know I was here. I had wanted to just surprise her, but she made that impossible by being....well herself. And she even tried to make me feel bad for coming home with no advance notice, so she could make something work. (I'm sorry, but since when is a visit from a family member you haven't seen in over 3 years, any thing less than awesome?!?!)

  I called my grandparents last night, hoping to find a good time to surprise them with a visit on Saturday. After a few minutes it became clear I had no choice but to ruin the surprise, if I wanted to see them.

me: (gram had just asked for our new address and I said I'd call her tomorrow with it) When's a good time that you'll be home?
gram: Oh not tomorrow! I've got to be at church all day.
me: Okay, how about Sunday?
gram: No Sunday's not good either.....why don't you just give it to me now?
me: You know, you're really making this difficult!
gram: I don't mean too.....but we're very busy people, Beck.
me: Well, I was going to drop by, but you don't seem to have time for us.
gram: WHAT?!? Are you joking?? YOU are HERE?!?
me: yep, and you just made me ruin the surprise.
gram: well, if you'd told me you were coming I could have made time. Let's see, I'll be at the church, you remember how to get there right?, I'll be there all day tomorrow and then I have the dance recital tomorrow night.
me: church is NOT an option.
gram: well you can come to Artpark for the dance I suppose
me: no, Nixon will never sit still for all that.
gram: well leave him home with Mac
me: Mac's not here it's just me and Nixon
gram: well, what about leaving him with your mom??
me: Gram, tomorrow night and leaving him somewhere is not an option either
gram: Well, Beck, you're really not working with me here.
me: Gee Gram, sorry I tried to surprise you. I guess we can just wait till the next time I come home to visit.
gram: Well, Sunday's no good either. Neither is Monday (she hasn't even asked how long we'll be in the area for) You can come to church with us Sunday. I know everyone would love to meet Nixon \
me: Gram....NO church!
grandpa: how about lunch on Sunday? We can meet here after church.
me: I can do that
gram: Well, I suppose that will work, doesn't give me much time to plan anything though
me: Gram, it's almost like that was the idea in the first place
gram: Beck, this is why I ask for warning
me: And that's why I don't give it. This was a short notice trip, I needed a break. You can see us or I'll go home and you didn't make time for us.
**It was really annoying that she kept pushing church on me as an option.**
grandpa: Well it's settled. We will see you and Nixon on Sunday for lunch.
me: Thanks grandpa, that's great!
gram: Well, I suppose it is. I'll just have to find time to do something special for lunch.
me: Whatever gram, really, it's not a big deal.
gram: Obviously, I was an after thought, since I am sure you are staying at Lynne's.
me: Gram, I'm not telling where I'm staying, I'm in neutral territory.
gram: Oh I'm sure that's not true. Do your parents know you're here? Does Mandi?
me: Yes they do and I have plans to see them already.
gram: So I really was the last person to know. Thank you for thinking of me at all.
me: Of course gram!
gram: Beck, that wasn't a "thank you".
me: Gram I'll see you Sunday! Bye.

Ugg.....family!! haha

Pardon me but you mistakenly replaced my baby with this grown-ass child and I'd like my baby back!

A few weeks ago, Mac and I discussed what to do with Nixon's hair. It was growing long again and it turns out, he's got some thick and curly hair (like mine) which does not handle the humidity of the island very well. His whole head sweats, pretty much within minutes of being outside. His hair starts to curl in the back and the summer was only beginning to get hot. I had wanted to let it grow out. But, once again, I agreed to let Mac make a parenting call when he suggested we take Nixon for a REAL haircut this week. I knew it was in Nixon's best interest, because going from hot outside to cool inside with wet hair was only begging for him to get sick at some point...but I hated how freaking upset he got last time we took him to get his haircut.

So, yesterday during his nap, I snuck out and hit the store. I bought: 2 brand new Cars 2 shirts for him (1 that he'd get to choose and wear to his haircut in the morning), 3 new toy cars and a bag of candy he'd never had before but that I deemed safe enough for him to have. The toys and candy got put into his new backpack (which he likes) and the shirts hidden until this morning. Now, to some it sounds like I spoil Nixon, but after his meltdown last time we got his hair cut at the barber shop and how much LOUDER he's gotten in the months since, I prefer to think of it as well-prepared.

This morning Mac came home from work (he had a quick trip in for awards and the usual bullshit waste of an hour plus drive time), we all got ready and off we went. Nixon was excited to see his new tee shirts and got dressed with little fight. A couple pieces of candy got Nixon into the barber shop and the new cars kept him occupied while we waited for a chair to open for him. (Well, we did have one time out in the hallway because he got loud and wouldn't calm down, but it wasn't too bad and it was only once).

Nixon sat on my lap, with his new truck in his hand and accepted pieces of candy from Mac occasionally while getting his haircut. He didn't cry, or squirm (too much), or yell. He sat quietly and played with his truck and watched in the mirror as his hair was cut. He watched it pile up on the smock around him and on the floor at his feet. He was amazing! I'd ask him "You okay Nix?" and he'd reply "yeah I okay".

Then I looked in the mirror.

I saw me and I saw a child that might have been Nixon on my lap, except he looked much older than Nixon. My baby was gone. In his place was a grown child.

Nixon was done. He said "arigato" and gave the woman who cut his hair a tip. She squeezed my arm and said "okay momma?". I said "sure" and smiled. It wasn't until we were walking down the area outside of the barber shop, Mac next to me Nixon happily taking off a little ahead of us, that I felt the tears welling up! He looked too old! Too grown up! Too....not my baby anymore.

Nixon reminded me of someone, with his new short haircut, but I couldn't place it. Not until we got home and I was playing with the pictures I'd taken for this blog. He looks very similar to my nephew Adam, the last time I saw him. Adam was 4.5 when I saw him last and his hair was cut like Nixon's is now. There's a very strong family resemblance between the two, I can see it now. It made me miss Adam (who's with his father out of state, not deceased, just to clear any confusion up), but it also made me see Nixon as a little kid and not just my baby.

And now....... the pictures!!





Mac asked Nixon where his hair was, during a diaper change. Nixon's response?? "Hair gone". That it is, my friend, that it is.

Ideas run amuck

I'm sure I'm not the only one, who has an idea take on a life of its own until it becomes reality, right??

A couple days ago, I had a random thought pop into my head. It's an idea for a children's book about families. I fell asleep and figured "well, that's the end of that one". And it was...until my shower last night when the whole thing took over my brain! I went to bed, with pictures for the story in my head. I woke up this morning and its still there bubbling under the surface.

So that's how this one idea has come to be brewing in my head. When I get a chance today I'll start writing the story and then go on to find someone to illustrate it.

And to think: it all came to pass because I saw a stick family decal on a car one day.

"The most wonderful thing about Nixon.....is he's the ONLY one!'

To paraphrase Tigger's little song in Winnie the Pooh. And why is it no one ever says it's a shame Pooh/Piglet/Tigger/Rabbit or even Eeyore are the only ones? Why is it okay for imaginary characters to be onlies, but its a travesty when it's learned Mac & I are only having one child, in real life?? I find it curious that society seems to place such a high value on 2-3 child families while degrades and questions larger or smaller families. I'm just as guilty as counting children huddled around one grown up, assuming they all "belong" to him/her, but it's not in my nature to go up to them and point out that they've got a LOT of children or that they can't possible have enough one-on-one quality time with each child. It's rude to do so, in my opinion. That's not to say I won't mention such thoughts to friends who know me or Mac, in the privacy of my own home.

Sorry, for the tangent, I was just thinking before I started writing this today, how wonderful life is with Nixon.

Last night, while checking on him like I always do, I pulled the covers over him and kissed his forehead. As I gently kissed his forehead, I whispered "I love you, my little love" something I've said to him since the day he was born. He snuggled deeper under the covers and sighed a sleepy "okay" as I got up from besides his bed.



Today was a surprisingly nice day, considering its been cold and rainy for a couple weeks now. So, during breakfast I decided I'd take Nixon to the zoo and just let him enjoy it. I had the stroller with me, but he chose to walk almost the entire time in the zoo. When I did have to put him in the stroller, he'd scream bloody murder until I presented him with a distraction (a drink or snack, were the options of choice today). He fed fish and ducks and pigeons. He walked up the steep hills, either holding my hand or the railing if available for him. He pushed the stroller, almost kamikaze-like since he has no concept of steering it. He'd pick up my hand, if I dared try to help steer/control the stroller, and tell me "I got it" and push my hand away. He giggled and smiled at passing children and families. And the entire time I was soley focused on him and only him. The day was his to enjoy and I was merely along as the co-pilot.
I took him on his first merry-go-round ride. He loved it! He was smiling, cheesing at the camera when I snapped pictures of us and just really into the whole experience of it. When the ride was over we took a very short train ride. It didn't matter to Nixon that we were only going in a very small circle. He couldn't have cared less that we were the only ones on the train. The only thing he knew, was that I was on the train with him and we were moving!



Occasionally, though very rarely, I wonder what life would be like with more than Nixon. It usually strikes me as a fleeting thought when a friend announces a pregnancy or welcomes a new baby into his/her family. It's never a serious thought, just a passing "what-if" moment. The picture never quite seems right. Its all blurry and out of focus somehow. Its chaotic even in its theory of existence in my head. I feel panicked and stressed just imagining another child in our lives. Seriously, my heart rate elevates, my head hurts and I feel jittery at the imagined 2nd child's arrival into my perfect family. I can't even see his/her face because I can't focus through the haze of anxiety.
It's moments like that, that prove to me, some people are just not meant to have more than one child. I'm THAT person. Because if I did have more, I'd never have the freedom that Nixon and I enjoyed today together. The zoo? Getting there was my idea. Visiting it and enjoying it? That was all Nixon today. A sibling would cramp our style and flow.

I'd never think less of someone who has more than one child. Every family is different. But just once I'd like to feel like other people feel the same way about my little family of 3, instead of the usually "robbing him of a sibling" crap that most people (and usually strangers at that) feel the need to spew.

My opinion?? The only people who really want you to have more kids are clothing companies, diaper companies and toy companies. They make a killing with every new child born!