2014: A look back at what made this year special

   As I spend the last hour of 2014 with my family (I'm heading out to a friend's house for the New Year), I thinking of how much our family changed this year. We moved, Mac retired, Nixon started Kindergarten, I went back to work and Mac was the stay-at-home parent for a while. We also faced unknown behavioral issues with Nixon, taking on medical professionals and the school to get answers. The answers came and, for some, it'd be a tough pill to swallow for us it was a starting point. A challenge to tackle.

   This year was our year of change. While you never stop changing this year saw us change in HUGE ways. And through it all, we stayed strong. Mac and I faced the school boards together, a united front for Nixon. I dug in deep and sought answers. I faced the boards with information and a cool head. A task not always easy (especially when his teacher sat in a meeting rolling her eyes and dismissing me when she didn't like what I was saying).

   I was unwittingly given a new title. One of advocate. I'm not Nixon's advocate, to everyone. Not everyone will accept, see or understand that Nixon has Asperger's. Many people will see a child acting out, melting down and being disruptive. I see a child overwhelmed and unsure of how to process his overload. I have to explain to friends, family members, strangers who might ask and anyone else why Nixon is special. Why a trip home to Buffalo resulted in a giant-sized meltdown on Thanksgiving Day.

   But I'm not perfect. I have my bad days. I have days that I don't handle Nixon as well as I should. I have exhausted outbursts and annoyed exclamations. I have shitty moments where I wish he was just "normal". I have moments of weakness where I find myself envying friends whose children are riding bicycles without training wheels because Nixon can't even pedal a bike without using pedal straps. I have anxiety attacks when the school calls, wondering what Nixon did now and if anyone was hurt. I'm angry his teacher can't see beyond his actions. I'm hurt that Nixon is THAT kid in his classroom. But most of all, I wish I didn't have the guilt I feel every day thinking somehow I did this to him. I know this is not my fault, but life for him would be so much easier without these issues.

   So, next year I'm going to be more understanding. More tolerant. A bigger advocate, louder advocate. I'm going to embrace Nixon the way he is. Because he's a pretty fucking awesome kiddo! And he's my baby boy. (He said I can call him that forever!)

Mac's retirement ceremony

Nixon's preschool graduation ceremony

Nixon's first day of Kindergarten

The struggle.....and my breaking point

    Nixon had a rough week last week. Monday was pretty horrific, Tuesday (election day) was no school, Wednesday and Friday weren't awful but far from great and Thursday was he best day of the week (only 10 minutes outside of the classroom).

    One of the biggest things that struck me, when I had to go to school on Monday and calm Nixon down, is there was a new student in the class. Now, Nixon knew her name on Wednesday and offered to help walk her to class, so that's a plus. Normally new people are identified by their shirt/hair/skin color. I adored watching him see the new student was nervous (although I don't think he identified that emotion, I think he was just happy to see a friend he knew), and using her name (!!) asked if he could walk to class with her. Her mother had tears in her eyes when she and I walked to our respective cars. And I'll admit, I did as well.
   Now, even though Nixon seems okay with her, just the fact that there's a new student is enough to send his world into a tailspin. And tailspin he did.
    All I can do is hope today is a better day.

    There's a class field trip next month. It's outside, at a farm and will be held rain or shine. In December!! I struggled and talked to Mac about it, ultimately deciding I'm going to keep him home that day and (hopefully) arrange something for us to do at the state park I worked at this summer. The class is studying trees, so I know the park has them.
   I just remember Nixon on a class field trip last year with his preschool. Even though I was there he still freaked out and had a couple meltdowns. I just feel like sending him on this one, in the cold!!, is setting him up for failure. I can't go on the trip because I have other things I have to do during the day that prevents me going as a chaperon.

    Finally, last night I cried. I cried a hard and ugly cry.
   One of my best friends posed a picture that her husband and son (a year younger than Nixon) drew together. I loved it, it was super cute! But it reminded me that Nixon is still drawing people as big circles with sticks for arms and legs. I'd be ecstatic if Nixon drew a conventional stick person!
   Another friend had posted a video, not too long ago, of her son (2 years younger than Nixon) tying his own shoelaces. Mac and I were crazy excited yesterday because Nixon zipped his own coat! Tying shoelaces?!? That's sci-fi shit to us right now.

    Those two things just broke me. It really made me realize how special Nixon is. I'm adjusting because some things are glaringly clear: Nixon is not where some of his peers are. But we're not giving up, he'll get there when he's ready. But I had a moment of sadness. I'm better today and I'd never break like that in front of Nixon. He's nothing but perfect to me.