Friday, December 30, 2011

Little Update on the name drama llama

Seems that my blog has a wee bit of a following. And that following is not the warm and fuzzy we-wanna-be-your-friend kind, either. No, my following is more the pretty and popular girls in high school who traveled in packs down the halls and terrorized anyone who didn't worship them or join their freakishly close bitch-cult. Oh, and my following never says hi or even spreads word of my blog. 
Thanks for reading, bitches!

How do I know I have a following of cunty drama llamas?? Simple, Mac my loving and supportive husband, who was at work today had a short discussion about one of my blogs with a woman who has "heard" about it (but never read it).

It seems, she's the wife of the person mentioned in the name rant blog of mine.  I did hear who it was correctly, and apparently my blog rant made its way back to her and she saw Mac, so she wanted to "clear the air", but there's a small problem. She never actually read my blog. She "heard about it" from someone, and just wanted ME to know that they chose Nixon because she collects Nixon brand watches, not for the President and not after our son. 

Now, if she had read my blog she'd had seen that was precisely my point in the first place. (Well, that and her husband needs to learn how to tell the story about their baby name a little better in the future, cause he straight up dropped the fucking ball hardcore on this one) Every, single couple I have EVER met has some kind of story behind WHY they chose the baby name they did. The vague and non-responsive answer he first gave was bullshit, compared to the wife's story. 

So for the secret readers spreading word of mouth about my blog.....thanks for reading!! I know you're there *heeheehee*

FUCK...................I need to get off this fucking rock, I'm going island batshit crazy, now. 

Is it May yet????

Friday, December 23, 2011

It's time for a little Holiday..... weird???

Meet, our christmas tree! It's small, less than 2.5 feet tall. It's white, plastic and pre-lit. It's pretty damned cute little thing, ain't it??? The snowflakes are also plastic and fake. It didn't take much convincing to get Mac to agree to having a tree this year. I found one I liked in a sales ad, I mentioned to him, he said "It's your money" and I took my money and bought the tree. Then I bought the ornaments, snowflakes and let Nixon choose the bird as the tree topper. He choose the teal peacock instead of the green peacock, a lovely choice!

Being on Okinawa means a lot of fake trees to be had and very few real ones. Which, is actually okay with me, because it turns out. I have issues with real christmas trees. Who saw that one coming?!?!? Not me, until I really thought about it. Well, not really thought about it, I grazed on the thought and come up without enough material for this blog. 

See, to me, cutting down a tree is killing it. Because, well, you are ACTUALLY killing it! You can't replant it after the holidays and have it reroot to use again next year. You could cut it and use it as kindling, if you have a fireplace, but the fact remains, a living thing was killed for your viewing pleasure. Either way you look at it (arborcide or arborcualst), a bunch of trees are killed  in about a month's time period, just to fill up peoples house with green beauty.

It's like going to a pet store (or pound), picking out a puppy/kitten/turtle/hamster and then putting a bullet between the chosen pet's eyes shortly after you get it home! Nope, I'm wrong, you'd have to pay for it, and then blow it's fluffy little brains out before leaving the store. Okay, so it's a slightly extreme comparison, but its essentially the same thing, in my eyes. But actually, you'd have to get a fully grown pet, because these ain't no baby trees being chopped down. These be teenagers in some cases. Teenagers?? Well, okay some of the punk bastard trees really had it coming, it was the only way to send a message and scare the others straight! 

Now before people start hating me (all 15 followers I have!!), I get why people have live trees. I don't pour blue paint on them, when I see a live tree in a house, and yell "Fir is Murder!" (although that'd be hilarious!!). I'm very live and let live on the whole thing, it's the holidays you do you're thing I'll do mine. Mine consists of a plastic tree, pre-lit preferably, and yours might involve going to a tree farm a choosing a tree to kill before carting the carcass home and hoisting it up in your living room. Who cares, we both tart the trees up the same class-ass way (lights, ornaments and other prettiness), right?!?! 

So happy fucking holidays!! Enjoy them with your loved ones. Be good, Santa's watching you (does he watch you in the shower too...aren't there laws against that. Fucking old fat Perv!!). 

Speaking of Santa, here's Nixon with the ole fatass!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Okay now.....why do I HAVE to be this person??? (it's a rant!!)

So, I don't HAVE to be the person I'm about to be, but I feel like I'm almost pushed against a wall and need to defend myself. Which, in reality is kind of silly because it's not a life or death thing and it really could be a compliment of sorts, if it wasn't such a total asswipe insult move to myself and my family. 
Confused? I should explain a little then and catch you all up.

I went to see Breaking Dawn, Part 1 today with one of the girl's Mac works with. She's gotta be one of the coolest new people the Navy has sent here AND she hasn't been sucked into the "Dark Side" (aka all the bitches that be hating on Mac and I for no other reason than we live our lives open and unapologetic for our pasts before marriage and parenthood), plus she's SO Team Jacob! A HUGE plus in my book! (Suck it and stop reading now if that annoyed you!)

While we're waiting for the movie to start, she mentioned that a guy she and Mac work with, wants to name his son Nixon, but then acted like he didn't know MY son (okay OUR son) is named Nixon when she mentioned it to him after to told her this. Now, for the record, I'm pretty sure I got the name of the guy she said right and if I did.....HE TOTALLY FUCKING LIED!!  He's gone to dinner with us before and has met OUR son NIXON!!! It's not like Nixon is the most popular name in the planet, right now. Or ever for that matter. It's not even a name most people admit to liking it now, they like it cause they like my son and don't want their asses kicked for saying otherwise! You work with my husband, have met my son and yet play dumb about where you've heard the name before?!?!? You fucking sonuvabeech!!

Now, I'm not opposed to someone else using the name Nixon. I don't have dibs on it, obviously. But for fucksake, when there's 2 degrees of separation between MY Nixon and this guy, don't play fucking dumb and act like it just came to you out of the goddamned sky one day! It came to you, over dinner, in the form of a most adorable brown eyed rambunctious little boy NAMED Nixon! Just fucking admit it! You're not fucking original!! Hell, I'm not even original with naming him Nixon. Mac made fun of one of my tattoos and said he saw Richard Nixon in it, which led to a tie breaker being asked to "Nixon", aka my tattoo, which resulted in during another long name vetoing session by Mac, me finally saying "What about Nixon?" as a joke, which eventually stopped being a joke, became our son's name and that's the story of how Nixon got his name. 
What's your baby name story BITCH?!?!? Because every couple has a story of how they named their children. Some are better than others. Like mine is better than "oh, I just liked the name and don't know where I'd heard it before".

For fucking fucksake he could have at least said "I heard some saying it at the Base Mall one day and it really stuck with me" and I'd have believed that story more. Because we have called Nixon's name loudly more than once at the base mall......not because there is more than one Nixon on Okinawa.

The moral of the story:If you plan on stealing a name of someone you know, come up with a good story. Or at least wait until we leave the island to start telling people you plan on using that name!! 

Silly fuckers, leave the petty, immature games to the professionals. This here's the big league and I'll call you're bullshit! 
Had dinner with my family, works with my husband but didn't know my husband's son's name was Nixon! Rookie mistake, son, rookie mistake. 

Sunday, December 11, 2011

This blog is an exercise in tact and not telling people to fuck off

I'm not the most tactful person in the world. I am, however, usually very blunt and to the point. Unfortunately, I can't exactly be myself in this blog due to the nature of the material I'm going to be writing about. It's a local story here in Okinawa turned international story with a less than desirable "outcome". 

I'm just going to add the links to the news stories about the disappearance and the most recent interview given by her husband (who is in the Air Force and until this interview had not addressed the public about his wife's disappearance....I'll get to that too). 

One of the first articles published. It was picked up by a multiple news sites and it includes the video that the missing woman's mother made here in Okinawa, as a public plea for information about her daughter's whereabouts. 

CNN picked up the story writing another brief story almost identical to all the others based on the first story above. Like the story above these were both written from the friends and family of the missing woman's point of view, still no details released from the military, Japanese authorities or her husband.

Then he broke his silence  and suddenly everyone had an opinion and felt like they'd been lied to this whole time! But here's the was only new to the public! The investigators knew all these facts the entire time. Tragic as it sounds, heartless as it is to accept, suicide, may just be the only explanation her friends and family ever get. **He would need to get everything he released to the press, cleared by Air Force Public Affairs and possibly Japanese authorities as well since they were also doing their own investigation. Since this was (and is) an open case he can't discuss details to the public without first having the all clear from these different departments. So while many people thought he was being silent and therefore must be hiding something, the reality is, as a military service member and a person involved in an open case like this, he actually COULD NOT discuss it. His mother-in-law, however, is a civilian and was therefore not restricted like he was.** 

And here is where I have to tread with something other than my usual just-tell-it-like-it-is manner.

The people who seemed to have the hardest time believing this, from reading the comments on the facebook support page  created by her mother during her stay here on Okinawa, are friends and family from back in the states. They're people who, most likely, haven't seen her in a couple years, only interact with her through the Internet and remember her from days gone by. 

Here's the cold hard facts about Okinawa, as I know personally from living here for over 2 1/2 can break even the strongest person! I should know, it made me someone I barely recognized until it was almost too late. See, the thing is, and everyone will tell you "but there's support there you just have to ask" or "you're not alone there's always other wives in your husband's command that will help you", it's all bullshit! In my husband's command alone, the wives are either young and catty with their own cliques and bullshit like that pretending they are all grown up when in reality they are just as insecure now as they were in high school, which was just a couple years ago in most cases or they're working and have the companionship of friends at work. Most of Mac's work buddies are much younger, single or married with no kids and the ones who are his age are higher ranking and don't socialize with him (and therefore Nixon and myself) because it'd be "fraternization" which is just a really fancy way of saying "neener neener neener I'm better than you because I can make rank". Not all of them, but most of the people higher ranking than Mac all stick to themselves. 
So, my point is, trying to get support from the wives at your husband's command/unit/squadron, not always feasible. But if you're talking to family back home, are you going to tell them that the women are all a bunch of bitches?? NO (well I will, but I'm kind of stupid open honest like that)!!
From work you can try play groups if you have kids. I did, some times it was good and other times....well, did you read this blog?? The truth is, not everyone is cut out for large social gatherings with bunches of kids. But if you're talking to friends and family back home you'd never tell them that.
I actually did have a few friends, for a while, that I was close to. Then it all went to shit in a hand basket and I was so destroyed by it I had Mac on board to pay for me to make a trip home to the states to see my besties because we both were so concerned about my mental state at the time! Did anyone know about that?? My husband did, my 2 best friends in the states did......and that was pretty much it. Maybe a couple other people I'm closer than close to, but if you'd have asked my mother or grandmother or even my sister, none of them had a clue. Why? Because I never felt the need to tell them I was failing out here and hanging on by a thread. What could they possibly do to help me? What could anyone do really? My besties, well they'd skype with me anytime I needed them (and if they needed me I was there for them...what time difference) to make me smile, listen to me cry and long may we rage! 
But, if I'd gone in a darker direction, would everyone back home have blamed Mac? Would they accuse him like people are accusing this airman? Would my last words not have been "real enough"?  I ask because for 10 seconds I thought about driving away, one night when it was really bad, when I'd screamed and made Nixon cry and saw his eyes have real fear for me, his mom the love of his life, I saw what I'd felt for my dad all those years...I saw what I swore I'd never become looking at me. I left the house and went to sit on the back porch, my usual retreat, for a few minutes and cry while Mac calmed Nixon down. In those minutes, I thought of taking the car and just getting lost, it was dark it'd be easy. I remember thinking I just need to wait for Nixon to go to sleep, so I can tell him I love him. I'll say good night to Mac and then take the keys. 
But I didn't. 
Because I couldn't leave Mac with Nixon and no car. THAT was my reason. That was my turnaround point. But not everyone has that. I also didn't have a rocky marriage. We don't argue much, he helps me at home (he's even learning how to cook!), we are done making babies and agreed on that together, I also knew when it was time to get help and understood that help meant medication for a while. I'm not silly enough to think that because I feel better I can go off the meds, which sadly a lot of people do. I'm not too proud to admit when the meds weren't working and asked to try a different dose. 

What I'm trying to say is: Okinawa is a monster to the spouses here. Mac's command will tell him to schedule appointments and shit for his days off, then take his days off for stuff like range days/training/meetings and other shit, with sometimes a week or more notice and sometimes less than 12 hours notice. It's hell on a marriage, it's hell on a family and its hell on a wife who has little to no support system to speak of. I'm lucky now, I have K to turn to and she has me and believe me we do turn to each other a LOT since our husbands commands (even though they're different branches) like to assfuck them when ever they can! But before K and I had each other, before I was on the meds I'm on now, before the night of realization that I'm not okay...I could've been the missing woman. Okinawa almost got the best of me, like it's gotten to many people before her, before me. You're on an island, for 3-4 sometimes 6 years, its expensive to go to the states or have family come to you, some people manage other people don't. The catty bullshit, the cliques, the petty shit that goes on, the crap about local nationals vs dependents, some local nationals love the Americans here others hate us, it all really gets to you. Add in the stress of dealing with infants/toddler tantrums/PMS/pregnancy with a bazillion other women on this island and you might begin to understand why a woman might have finally just reached the end of her rope, grabbed her keys, left her children asleep in bed and drove disappear.

It's a tragedy. It's 2 kids never seeing their mother again. It's a family never being able to say goodbye. It's a husband knowing the argument they had were the last words he said to his wife. It's a community stunned. It's friends wondering if they could've helped and family wishing she'd been home with them instead of in Okinawa, Japan. It's paradise losing it's sparkle.

It's realizing: you never really know your neighbors and even the most beautiful, perfect looking family can hide secrets that will shatter lives forever.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

I was "lestered"

Lester: (n) Lester Naval Hospital, located on Okinawa Japan providing health care to military service members and their dependents while stationed throughout bases around Okinawa.

Lestered: the act of getting treated at Lester Naval Hospital and getting no real answers and vague details as to the issue which should be addressed in the opinion of the doctor.

Confused? You've been lestered!

So talk about your cryptic answers....Nixon had his 3 year check up today with the doctor (no shots YAY!), he's 40 inches tall, 33 lbs and like his mommy has a lower than normal body temp.
Doctor mentions his speech "normally I can understand about 75% what of most 3-year old say"
I say "So should we look into speech therapy? Because he has good days and bad days, but he does also speak random gibberish for no reason"
Doctor's reply? "Well....if he has good days and bad days, and you are leaving in just a few months, it might not be worth the effort to set everything up for the evaluation."

What.The.Fudge just happened?!?!?
Oh yeah.....I was just Lestered!
(my facebook status the afternoon after our doctor's appointment......)

Tuesday morning (disgustingly early by the way....) was Nixon's 3-year old well child visit. At first all was well: he happily stood on the scale to get his weight, he even stood against the wall for his height with no fight and then he had to sit down to get his blood pressure taken. This was the first time its ever happened and Nixon FREAKED out! It got worse when his temp was taken, by the end of that "fun" Nixon was a crying, snot-dripping, shivering mess of a kid. 
And the doctor hadn't even seen him yet.....
Mac and I get Nixon calmed down while in the waiting room and within moments are called to the exam room, to wait for the doctor. Nixon gets into the new room and does his usual sweep of the room, which is actually him running around it as fast as he can and bumping/banging a wall or two. Yay...
Mac focused on keeping Nixon occupied while I spoke to the doctor and answered her questions about Nixon and tried to get Nixon to answer her questions. 
(example of how this went...
Dr: "can you tell me your name? (to Nixon)
Nixon: "My name mommy (because he plays this game at home a lot)
Mac: "No, what's your real name?
Nixon: "My name...Daddy?"
Dr: "he might need to work on that"
Nevermind the fact that Nixon walks around the house and whenever he does something even remotely "naughty" he says "Nixon Mathieu" in the same tone I do.....)

So, then the doctor has to check Nixon's ears....the worst part of every visit for Nixon! He of course get back to the snotty, blubbery, shivering mess he was when his vitals were being taken. 

She tells me, his growth is fine, weight is good but she can barely understand what he says and normally she should be able to understand 75% of what a 3-year old is saying. I ask if we should look into speech therapy and mention we will be leaving Okinawa (tentatively) in May. I also say "he is really upset because of the blood pressure cuff and getting his ears checked. He does speak gibberish sometimes but other times he's very articulate." (I'm not against speech therapy but I want to make sure Nixon's being judged fairly, a 10 minute appointment by a doctor we've never seen before isn't fairly in my opinion.) 
She tells me "Speech therapy is done through the school system here. You'd need a letter from the doctor to even get him evaluated, then get him evaluated and they'll give you a plan of action from there. But it's a long wait and if you're just leaving soon it might not even be worth the effort, you might want to wait till you get to the next station and start there. Is he in daycare or home with you?" 
So we left with no answer of exactly how much she COULD understand of what Nixon said, I was told ALL parents understand more of what their kids say than strangers do (especially parents who are home with them all the time) and I felt like I'm severally failing Nixon somehow.

I was Lestered!

I'm working on Nixon's annunciation and asking him to use words if he knows them. The problem is: he's full-on Mr. Do-Everything-Myself these days and if he doesn't get his way he's not exactly in a work-through-it state of mind. I'm doing the best I can!!! 

So, thank you Lester Doctor who saw my son for about 15 minutes and determined he doesn't speak clearly the way: did you happen to hear him thank the lady taking his vitals for the Diego stickers??? In Japanese???? Sniffling back tears and all he still said "arigato", my precious baby boy! Thank you for making me feel like a failure as a mom just by reading answers off a paper that I had less than 10 minutes to answer. 

But most of all...thank you for making sure I didn't leave this island without the full "lestered" experience.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

My pearls of wisdom never cease to impress me!

"Nixon, don't be this fan"

That's how my simple little nugget of sports fan wisdom conversation started with Nixon. It's no secret, this NFL season is rough in the Wilcox-Ball household. The Eagles (aka The Dream Team that isn't a dream so much as a payroll nightmare when you look at their record) are sucking really bad and the Dolphins are even worse, shocking but true! In fact, the only winner in the house is Mac's fantasy team...and I'm still convinced that the league we're in together is fixed by the commissioner who's a cheating piece of shit!

But I digress.

As I was saying, I watched the video clip in the link above and saw a kid mad at Tom Brady for the Patriots beating the Eagles. First, it's not the Patriots fault that they won...well it is, but not if you're an Eagles fan. As an Eagles fan, I have accepted this season for the wash it's become. I cherish the wins we've had but....yeah this season sucks. Still I wear my tees and hoodie because winning or not I'm still an Eagles fan.

But never would I cry because the other team beat us...unless it's the Super Bowl, it was a close game with refs making bad calls against the Eagles (which has happened, just ask Micheal Vick), costing vital yardage losses then I'd cry, because it's better than breaking my/our TV!

Then I give credit, the kid's still young and hasn't really grasped who you really blame when you're team is losing. The team themselves. For now he thinks Tom Brady is a bully for not "letting" the Eagles win.

That's where he and I differ.
As I told Nixon: "It's okay to get upset when your team is losing. But you don't blame the team who beat them. You blame your team for not playing better."
Nixon: "yeah!"
Me: "Unless it's those damn dirty Cowboys, then you can blame them.*"
* this got a chuckle from Mac, who once again was in awe of my parenting pearls of wisdom! What can I say, these gems just come to me. They just flow right out of my mouth faster than I can think and quicker than I can stop them even if I wanted too.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Letting Nixon BE Nixon....

Sometimes the hardest part of being a mom is letting your child be him/herself. There's so much fucking pressure to raise a boy to be strong and tough and manly, while girls can be soft and girlie and princesses OR rough and tumble tomboys. Nixon likes having his nails painted sometimes, he's even asked for pink once! (HOLY shit he's not right in the head!! No, you fuckface, he's 2 he hasn't "learned" that boys aren't "allowed" to wear pink.) Nixon has pushed a doll stroller through the zoo with his friend, Miss Macy doing the same thing. His stroller was blue and he rolled it kamikaze-style downhill with his precious BeBe in it, while laughing with glee the whole time!

   Today was raining, Mac was at work with the car and Nixon was chilling with me having a snugly movie day. Cartoon Network was doing a movie marathon of sorts and I figured it was better than watching any other movie or show I've seen a million times over with him. A Barbie movie came on and Nixon was enthralled by it! I've never been big on gender roles, or so I've always prided myself on, but to my horror my first reaction was to try to change the channel! I caught myself, and instead left the room to grab a cup of coffee and figure out my issues. It wasn't that Nixon was enjoying a Barbie was that I've always disliked Barbie and just assumed any child of mine (boy or girl) would feel the same way! I took my coffee and sat down to watch Nixon enjoy a Barbie movie. Turns out...he was only into it for the dancing and singing!

   I guess, my point is, despite my every intention of being that super open minded mom that just doesn't play by the typical gender roles, this one snuck up on me. The one thing I didn't do, which I was really fucking proud of myself about, I didn't say anything to Nixon, I kept the internal struggle over Barbie where it my head! Like most times I have an issue with, I don't (at least I try not too) let Nixon see me struggle with the issue. 


Sunday, November 20, 2011

The wonderful world of terrible 2's is coming to an end

In just a few short days I'll be the proud owner mother of a 3-year old!! I'm still not sure how that happened, but I'm guessing it had something to do with letting him sleep at night! Well, that and feeding him on the regular. 

In honor of his birthday here are photos of him on his birthday since he was born. (I'll add one from tomorrow after the festivities are over)  

This was the moment I realized I was screwed! Nixon was adorable and owned my heart from the minute he was born (well, after he was cleaned up...when he was slimy and gross it was kind of touch and go!)  He was 6pounds 14ounces of perfection! 
And I still remember almost murdering a nurse who refused to bring me a bottle of formula after Nixon's circumcision because he was too upset and hungry to latch onto me correctly and he hadn't eaten in over 6 hours! My very first "momma bear" moment.

On Nixon's first birthday he had a big birthday that weekend and spent the day with us. His new "pal" was Buck from Ice Age 3. 

We started our family tradition of Taco Bell on Nixon's birthday.  

On Nixon's 2nd birthday, I scheduled a free photo session with a new photographer on the island. Nixon and I played on the beach and seawall at the exact moment of his birth. He was his lovely delightful self and I was basking in the glow of being his mother for two full years!

This year proved a trying one as Nixon developed mentally and emotionally plus verbally. I'd be willing to say Nixon spent over a month of his life in Time Out during this year! But for every exasperating moment he brought to me, he gave me a thousand joyous ones in return. 

Nixon says "i love you", "thank you", "please", "excuse me" (though this one is most recently followed by "shhh mommy be quiet"), "I got to dance" and "maybe...." whenever he decides he wants to do something. 

So thank you Nixon for 3 wonderful (and wickedly evil fast passing) years of motherhood. Thank you for teaching me patience, the true meaning of exhaustion, the smiles, the tears, the laughter and most of all, Nixon, thank you being you. 

I love you, and I'm really almost totally over those cracked ribs. I'd say 3 more years and I might stop bringing it up! 

Happy 3rd Birthday to the littlest love of my life!!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

There's this boy who STOLE my heart.....

....he calls me Mommy

So, here is it November already. Just 2 short weeks from Nixon's 3rd birthday and I can't keep myself from falling more in love with him. I mean, he took my breath away when I held him for the first time but now with his personality and attitude really shining, he's stunning to me!

Take today: This morning he says to me "Maybe, we'll go for a walk", which is Nixonese for "mom get off your ass and lets get some fresh air". The walk ended up a secret code for "buy me a new matchbox car" too! But I also bought us donuts for breakfast so it all worked out. I asked Nixon if he knew he wanted a car the whole time he was asking me to take him for a walk and he said "of course mommy". I'd have been annoyed, except when he put his car on the counter, the cashier put it in a bag just for Nixon and when she handed it back to him Nixon said to her "arigoto" (without a single prompting word or look from me). I was a proud, proud Mommy! When I called him back from the exit and asked him to stand next to me while I finished paying, and he did without a fight, I said "gracias mi amor" my little linguist looked up at me and said "da nada mommy". Oh, let the melting begin!!

After we walked home, had our (deliciously sinful) breakfast and chilled Nixon comes over to me and says "mommy maybe we go see aminals." I asked "you mean like go to the zoo?" Nixon says "well that's where the aminals are" very matter of factually. SO, off to the zoo we go (thank goddess for season passes!) 

Now, I got smart here. On the way in I laid out the ground rules. If Nixon was good and we walked the whole zoo THEN he could ride the train (that evil bane of my existence fucking ride!) and the merry-go-round before we left to go home. I made sure Nixon repeated the rules to me 5 times before we even saw the train. Amazingly enough, he was okay with it!
So we walked to zoo, saw the animals, fed the giraffes, rode the train and Nixon got to ride the giraffe on the merry-go-round all by himself (I was standing next to him though). We had a lovely time and I couldn't have had a better date with him if I tried! Almost 2 hours at the zoo and not one tantrum. I call that progress!

Lately, before bed I'll tell Nixon he's my favorite. He'll give me a smile, a high five and he'll say "mommy I happy". I hope he says that for many, many, many years to come. 

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Unfamiliar social situation....what's a mom to do? No. Seriously, what DO you do??

  Very few things rattle me and leave me speechless. Even fewer things render me entirely awestruck and in an almost frozen physical state, especially when these things happen to involve the most precious person in the world to me: Nixon. That's exactly what happened today and (thankfully) K was with me but even she was puzzled by the "correct" way to address it and handle it. I'm left still feeling like I failed Nixon somehow by my inability to chose a reaction to the situation. I did react, when I felt I needed to react, because it was Nixon's behavior that needed to be addressed and corrected. (OH my sweet potato did it ever! I have NEVER watched my child do what he did today and I hope to never have to watch him do it again! I was appalled at his behavior and disgusted that I was the ONLY mother....well hold on I am getting so far ahead of myself....)

  From the beginning: I've been a member of a local meetup group (albeit an inactive member lately) for a while. There's been several changes due to new members joining, "old" members becoming less active due to recent family additions or deployments or (in my case) an avoidance of all outdoor activities during the summer months and just general life happening in general. Last month there was an email for a pumpkin painting playdate. I RSVP'd "yes" and was (foolishly??) looking forward to it. With a little convincing, K agreed to bring Miss Macy with baby girl and join us for the festive playdate. (I should mention my gut kept trying to get me to cop out all week. I ignored it, because I figured it was just anxiety over meeting new moms. I like the moms who I met when the group first started and I wish I had spent more time going to the meetups, but sometimes I just couldn't because of Nixon's naps or Mac's schedule. The ladies are still always super nice when I see them and a couple of them have even friended me on facebook and comment or like random posts/links/photos I post. I was really genuinely looking forward to today's playdate...)

   We arrived a little late, let the kids paint their pumpkins, sat them on the table to dry and went to grab some snacks like the rest of the group had begun doing. I recognized 3 of the moms there out of the 8 or 9 there (I think). K and I sat with our kiddos on the opposite side of the room from the rest of the group of moms. MY reasoning was: the kids were running around on the open side of the rec room and I like to be close enough to grab Nixon if I have to. (All the other moms were on the farthest side of the room even though there was an open door to the outside). Yes, I might be overprotective but...I can afford to be. I did smile and say hello to the moms I knew and tried hard to not give off a bitch vibe. I do get overwhelmed when there are THAT many kids roaming around and I'm trying to keep tract of my singleton, making sure he's not running outside (he did a couple times to watch a street sweeper cleaning the parking lot) or trying to catch an elevator (he thought about it twice). 

   So here comes my dilemma: There were a couple older kids who were pushing down and bullying the littler kids. They'd yell in the little kids faces, knock them to the jumped over Nixon (Nixon did his usual fall-on-the-floor-in-a-pile act and the kid just jumped over Nixon). One little girl was wearing a cast on her arm, this one kid in particular, knocked HER over! No mother did anything. At this point, I didn't even know who belonged to what mom. (to be honest, I still don't know who they all went home with!)

  Nixon, as I sat watching him, targeted a child smaller than him. Nixon grabbed this child's arm and then pushed him over another little boy already on the floor! Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? OH HELL NO! NOT MY SON! I raced up out of my chair, grabbed Nixon's hand, made him apologize to the boy and then put him in the farthest corner for Time Out because "Nixon you do not target someone smaller than you, you do not push or hit and you are not a bully!" Oh you'd have thought I was beating his ass, but I'll be damned if my son is going to become a bully just because he's thrown into a roomful of bullies!

   After Nixon served his time he started playing again. He'd run around with them, then run off by himself. He's chase and be chased and would always seem to find Miss Macy in the end. 

    Then came this:

   Nixon and another little girl were growling at each other. The little girl would growl with her fists clinched at her side, Nixon would just growl then laugh. Another little girl came over (so now 2 little girls and Nixon) and lightly punched Nixon in the face! Nixon just looked at her. She punched him in the middle of the chest. Once. Twice. Three times. I sat in shock trying to figure out what the fuck can I do?!?! Can I get up and hold her hand and say "Who does she belong too?" and explain the situation? Nixon wasn't hurt but he sure looked confused. I tried to get him to come over to me but he said "Mommy I'm not bad.", which of course he was absolutely correct. I finally said "Hey, we don't hit!" just as a mom got up....and walked by the situation to address another one involving the kid the jumped over Nixon earlier. This time he and a couple other boys had pinned down a little girl and were making her cry! THIS got one of the moms off her ass and claim him as hers! But the hitting situation with Nixon was never addressed by an adult. (However Karma caught up to her a few minutes later when little "rocky" got rocked by someone else pretty hard! I don't take joy in anyone's pain, but I do admit I like seeing Karma at work...even as a child you're never too young for a good Karma backlashing!)

   So first, I can say I'm proud that Nixon didn't fight back after going into time out. 

   Next, as a mom who is admittedly socially awkward, what is the proper way to address a situation like that?? I know putting my son in TO for hitting/knocking over a child is how I handle it, but if your child is being hit and you don't know the child or the parent the child belongs to.....WHAT DO YOU DO?

   K and I were equally stunned/puzzled/appalled by the total free-for-all the older kids had because of the moms inability to let go of their newest bundles of joy (aka infants). They all sat far from the kids playing, talking and socializing barely ever checking on their kids after they'd hopped them up on sugar, nevermind helping to clean up! 

  I don't have an aggressive child. I don't have multiple children. I don't deal with fights. When Nixon and Miss Macy have playdates together they play. They may squabble over toys but they don't hit/bite/knock down each other...and if they ever did, K and I have no problem putting either child in Time Out when the situation calls for it. But what do you do when the aggressor is an unknown child??

   Anyone with any play group experience willing to give some advice?? Please post here for some socially awkward mommas in need of tips!! K and I both will greatly appreciate the help and support. Any other playdate from hell stories, share those too! Share this blog and spread the word....this needs to stop and I need help.....bullying at the age of 5 and under, really??? It's so sad because the moms are right there and too busy to put a stop to it. IS there a right way to handle this??

( was a PMM sighting in spades yo!)

Monday, October 24, 2011


I have no siblings
In my house there are 3 at the dinner table,
mom, dad and me.

I have no one to compete with, 
no one to be compared to and no one to be bullied by,
in our home it's a bit quiet that's true.

I'm often told "you must be lonely", 
i find it odd because 
I have family, I have friends and I have other stuff I like to do, 
why would I be lonely?
Are you??

Mommy tells me I'm her favorite, 
and I know it's true
because besides daddy there's no one else for her to pick from
and I like it that way.

My friends have brothers and sisters,
and I like them okay, 
but if siblings are so great, why do they always want to come to my house to play?

Dad told me once, he and mom knew I was all they needed
as soon as they held me for the first time,
I made everything feel complete inside.
That made me feel good, all happy and warm.
Like I was the most perfect kid to have ever been born.

I like being an only child,
I don't care if some people think I'm lonely
or spoiled or anything else. 
My mom and dad are happy with me
and I'm happy with them.
And that's all we need!

**written for Nixon, because there are so few good positive messages that are for only children. I see lots of brothers/sisters poems and things, but nothing for or about an only child. It seemed wrong and I was inspired. I hope Nixon grows up believing these things! because he IS my favorite, he DOES complete us and we ARE happy as a family of 3!**

Sometimes you just suck it up

This week has been less than awesome and yet another lesson in the military comes first. Like I needed a refresher course or something. Apparently, the universe felt I did need a refresher course this week and gave it to me at the expense of our family photos.

Now, these family photos are supposed to be taken and used on our holiday card so time is kind of short. We had to reschedule the original date because of weather and illness (thanks again for that cold Mac!). I picked this Thursday, we were going to the Japanese Gardens for some awesome photos of us surrounded by beautiful Japanese surroundings. These plans, the location, the date, the photographer....have been made since August so kind of a big deal, right???


Wednesday evening Mac gets a phone call and told he has a work related meeting at 1300 (1pm) Thursday and he can't miss it. Our photos are in a location about 30-45 minutes driving distance away, depending on traffic, one-way and we were leaving at 930. Time wise, it wasn't looking good, so regardless of how long these plans have been made and how ridiculous it is to get a call at 9pm and basically told "hey you have shit to do tomorrow at 1pm, so don't make any plans, even though it is your day off. too bad so sad" by someone who Mac has gone to his house and delivered messages in person, I had to suck it up and contact our photographer and (yet again) reschedule our photos because choosing a location closer was NOT an option to me!

I get shit like this comes with the military lifestyle and usually, I'm okay with it. But, come-the-fuck-on!, less than a day's notice about a meeting ON a day off?!?!? And getting the call after the end of the business day??? At some point, shit like this has got to give, right?? It wasn't just Mac, they were calling in people off of leave but who were still on the island (sucka'!) and I can only imagine how pissed that person was and I feel for them as well. And I know it's not Mac's watch commander's fault he's just delivering the message but there are far better ways to do it than just calling at 9pm and then trying to rush off the phone. Like, oh I don't know, come by the house and return the shit you have that you borrowed from Mac that up and talk to him in person?!?! Sure, you and I both know he's going to be upset, but truth be told if the roles were reversed wouldn't you be?? Who wouldn't be pissed to get less than 18 hours notices about a work related meeting, costing them plans with their family that have been planned for over 6 weeks, pissing off his wife because this pushes back ordering holiday cards and revealing our next duty station to friends and yeah, who wouldn't be upset, right???

But, fingers crossed, we've re-rescheduled for this Friday. 

Friday, October 21, 2011

The ups & downs of potty training

As I predicted, when Nixon got the hang of using the potty he was golden! He'd run to the potty, pee and come over for his song and reward. Well, the reward thing quickly backfired on us. See, we were doing candy (M&Ms for pee and fun sized candy bars for poop and staying dry) at the beginning, but I soon realized Nixon was getting WAY too much sugar during the day. 
My solution was to switch out the pee and poop candy rewards for trail mix, which on any given normal day Nixon would eat up! Turns out potty training does not fall under the category of "any given day". (We kept the candy reward for Nixon staying dry though because that has become our biggest hurdle. He knows HOW to use the potty but he's not always all about going on the potty when he's wearing undies)
The first couple offers of trail mix went okay. But when trail mix was still all Nixon was getting as a reward the next day, he was less than enthused. Today is day 3 of trail mix and he's decided he's not going to use the potty at all. I've got one more trick up my sleeve, Nixon's done so good at potty training this month I'm not ready to let him give up over rewards....trail mix with yogurt covered raisins! Nixon might think the yogurt pieces are candy enough to appease him to keep potty training. 

Fingers crossed.

On the upside: Nixon's been successful at staying dry when we've gone out to run errands or eat out for lengths up to 2 hours! That's huge seeing how just last month he was in diapers all the time. I've made up songs for his staying dry, pooping on the potty and peeing on the potty....and I don't feel the least bit silly singing them to him and clapping whenever he proclaims "Ta-Da" over his potty!! It's what being his mom is all about, building up his confidence by any means necessary, within reason of course.   

Monday, October 17, 2011

Who says lying doesn't pay off???

Well my friends, it may have taken over 3 years but my well planned lie is finally paying off!

What?? I'm not making any sense? Ah, I see, you're new to my blog! Well, let me give you the back story. 

The lie began while I was pregnant with Nixon and in the process of changing all my id's to my married name. Turned out the hardest one to get done was my dependent id. Basically, its a card that says I'm Mac's problem and responsibility......SUCKER!!!  I needed our marriage license (check), my drivers license in new married name (check), my social security card in new married name (check) and a day my husband/sponsor had off....which became the bane of my existence for about 6 weeks! FINALLY, the stars aligned and we got an appointment for this all important id made. (See, without this id all my prenatal visits were becoming a giant clusterfuck of epic mistakes all involving who I was and what/who I "belonged" too. At one point I was promoted and switched branches while given a new name, in one visit!!! Epic failures, people, epic failures!)

So, the appointment was in July, I was almost halfway through my pregnancy and part of the id requires your height, eye color, hair color (this is usually only right for a few weeks of any given year, in my case), birthday and the dreaded.....weight. Enter: THE LIE!!! After buttering up the colossal bitch we were assigned, I asked "current weight? (gesturing AROUND the belly) or pre-pregnancy weight?" This bitch turned merciful angel said "pre-pregnancy weight. no one but your doctor needs to know pregnancy weight" TA-DA!!!

THE LIE: Now, the reality is, before getting pregnant I was "around" 150lbs give or take 5-10. BUT, I knew I wasn't happy there, and I wanted to drop them anyways, so I gave my post-pregnancy GOAL weight of 135lbs. Sadly, the baby weight did not just melt right off my body like all the stars and celebrities have it happen (lying bitches!! every last one of you!!) and I've been slowly chipping away at the pounds now for almost 3 years. I'll lose some, I'll maintain for a while and then I'll gain. But never too much to be concerned no more than 5-10 pounds.

This year's been a great year for me weight wise. I've broken my latest and hardest weight plateau of 140lbs recently and I've managed to keep steadily losing weight by just watching what I'm eating. It's hard and I do have a couple cheat days here and there, but it's all paying off. How do I know??

I'm 2 pounds away from that weight on the back of my id card! So I'm not totally carrying around a lie in my wallet anymore. It's more like a couple extra venti lattes ;)

Sunday, October 9, 2011

This is how I do rewards!

Well, so far today we've had ONE accident very first thing in the morning and then Nixon's been potty training gold the rest of the day! Right down to pooping on the potty again! Honest to goddess I don't quite know how to handle this sudden potty professionalism, it almost makes me feel like he's growing up too fast. On the other diaper changes does seem like an awesome way of life. 
I'm so torn!!!!

Anyways...after naptime today, I decided to take a short venture out of the house for the first time since Thursday. Nixon and I got dressed, Nixon wore an Easy-Up at his request and we walked to the shoppette down the street because I needed more "nummies" for Nixon's reward jar and I might have been getting a touch of the cabin feveries again. Nixon picked up a bag of bite sized candy bars, I grabbed skittles (because I think even Nixon can get bored of M&Ms) and I let him get a 5 pack of matchbox cars. Why? Because I'm a sucker that's why!

The whole point of this blog??

Nixon was dry the whole walk!! He got his first bite sized candy bar for that fete and was super proud of himself because I was super proud of him!!! There's another made-up song that goes with this, but only Nixon needs to hear it! 

He's pooping now....gotta go get his candy bar reward! Is that weird?? A candy bar for dropping a log??? No?? Good!

Saturday, October 8, 2011

I'm that mom...not to be confused with THAT mom!

Most moms know, I'm sure, potty training sucks! It's hard on you, the child, your carpets/floors, laundry, pets (trust me Arwen is traumatized for life after this week) and your social life takes a serious dive for a while in the beginning too. Oh, and a heads up for stay-at-home-moms....don't expect your husbands to be too gungho in the help department. Sure Mac wants to help, but if I decide to switch something up, like the rewards to try to encourage Nixon to sit on the potty more often in the beginning, Mac kind of backed off with a "this is your show, you run it" attitude. Pretty much the story of most things in our parenting way of life, to be fair to Mac. It's not new, but I was just hoping since Mac has a penis and Nixon has a penis and since I don't have a penis with the common denominator being a penis, that maybe Mac would help out a little more. Afterall, what the hell do I know about tucking it when you sit or how to aim it when you stand??!?!? I mean I'd love to be able to pee standing up without dribbling it down my leg and into my shoe, but I can't. 

So back in August...really, August already feels like forever ago!....I tried to potty train Nixon and for a few days it went awesome! But then Mac was home and due to this (common??) Alpha male bullshit battles and Mac forgetting Nixon is 2 not 12, Nixon stopped going on the potty and I decided to wait until Mac was working days again before trying to potty train Nixon again. It'd be less stressful for everyone if I could do it on MY terms (for the most part) with little to no input from Mac the first few days. 

Well....Mac went back to day shift Monday. On Sunday we actually started by letting Nixon try wearing his Easy-Ups and get a reward from his Potty Reward jar (filled with M&Ms). On Monday we hit it for the full day. He had a couple accidents but did better than expected. Tuesday was okay. Wednesday and Thursday Mac was off and home, but Nixon still sat on the potty but only to get M&Ms, because I had upped his "nummies" to a couple, instead of one, for sitting since he was starting to refuse to sit anymore. This confused Mac and led to him getting frustrated by my rule changing (to be fair I would've too if he'd done it, but at the same time I knew Nixon was on a roll and I didn't want him to lose the momentum he'd made during the week, even if it meant giving in and handing over extra M&Ms just to keep his little ass on the potty longer!)

Mac went back to work Friday, and it was Nixon and I again. Nixon did okay in the potty training. He wore his Pull-Ups and Easy-Ups and used the potty a couple times. No accidents on the floor but no real forward progress. So a good day but not stellar day. 

Then we had today. What can I say about today??? Ever had a day where you just smile because it was such an awesome day? Even if there were a couple times you almost puked? Or a day that really makes parenting worth it because you can see the pride and self-esteem just bursting out from every pore of your child??? And you know that you helped give him that pride by praising him for doing something awesome over-and-over-and-over again?? THAT was today!

First, the potty is in the living room (for now). So Nixon gets to watch his shows and sit on the potty. Well, today he was just running around naked and had wet 3 pairs of undies, REAL big boy undies, because he was too into the tv. So, I turned it off after giving him the usual 1,2,3 warning. When I hit 3 and he still hadn't    sat down, off went the tv. I have NEVER seen him take his underwear off so quickly or pee as fast as he did when the tv was turned off. He stood up, said "ta da mommy!", grabbed the removable bowl, took it to the bathroom, emptied it in the toilet, flushed the toilet, washed his hands, put the little bowl back in his potty and sat right back on it all while I sang the "Nixon pee peed in the potty" song I made up just for him! 

After that it was all uphill. Nixon sat on the potty unprompted the rest of the day. He peed at least a dozen times, pooped twice almost three times and only had one more accident before bedtime. I can not put into words how proud I was when I saw he let a really BIG poop go in the potty. (For moms who haven't gone through potty training, the pooping in the potty is scary thing for most kids and some don't go in the potty for a really long time) For this reward, no M&M would do! NO, he got a song, a kiss, a hug and a new car!!! Well a new toy car. 

And before anyone asks....NO I did not take a picture of Nixon's first poop in the potty! I am NOT Kate fucking whackjob Gosslin, thankyouverymuch!

Here's hoping tomorrow continues as well as today went. Monday we're off to get Nixon more undies because it turns out he's out grown some of his already, so we're buying some plain white ones so I can iron-on some dinosaurs, since he wants dino undies and we can't find some reasonably priced ones. 

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

"BAM in the cup yo!"

^^THIS is one of Nixon's favorite AFN (Armed Forces Network) commercials. He has been walking around for over a week saying "Bam I'm a sardogfn cup yo!" at the most random times. It's hilarious because there's no rhyme or reason to when he's saying.

So yesterday we went to the hospital here because I needed an x-ray on my wrist to rule out any old fractures causing the pain I've been having and Mac needed to go to the lab to find out when he needed to do to get his semen sample tested...because we're no fools! That vasectomy was not done in vain and until we're told it was successful there's no bareback rides happening at this rodeo! He picked up the cup and instructions, I got my x-ray and we came home. 
(**Now we're slowly beginning to realize, even if we're having a veiled conversation of inappropriate topic, Nixon might catch on. Yesterday he just happened to catch on and offer the perfect catch phrase ever!)

Me: so what's the deal with the cup?
Mac: I don't know I haven't read the instructions yet, but I'm guessing it's something like make a deposit then bring to the lab in a matter of X time.
Me: well, if it's going in the cup I'll help ya out with it....wink wink
Mac: we'll see
Nixon:(comes running over from eating his snack) BAM in the cup YO!
Mac and I: holy shit!!!! *as we laugh and almost fall on the floor losing our minds!*

What do you say after that??? Nothing! You laugh together because it really is the funniest fucking thing to have happen, planned or otherwise, made funnier by the fact that our almost 3 year-old said it!! Yep, there's no denying it, not that we ever really deny it, Nixon is SO our son. My temper, Mac's quick impatience/frustration and our combined comedic timing! Goddess help this kid's teachers!!!  

Snarky Bitches: you know one, you might even love one and deep down ARE one!

The reality of this blog actually began a couple days ago while talking to K about Oggie again, it began apparent, Oggie's become a full-on snarky bitch! But she's not any snarky bitch....she's a new-mom-know-it-all snarky bitch! 

Last night, K called me to tell me about the nurse she saw at her 6 week postpartum doctor's appointment, who rudely assumed K was disappointed to have 2 daughters! Not only did she voice this, she did so as K was there with her 6 week old know the "disappointment" the nurse was talking about!! The true kicker to this, is that this crazy bitch nurse has NO children of her own and would assume, were she ever to meet me, that I must be disappointed to NOT have a daughter! There's no pleasing this crazy, nosey snarky bitch!

Which brings me to the true point of this blog.....Snarky Bitches! They're all around us, but it seems motherhood and all it's glory (read competitive nature) brings out the very best snarks. From the instant a woman is pregnant the snark beings. First comes the morning sickness...if you're not worshiping the toilet like a Westbro Baptist Church member picketing some unrelated event, you don't know what being pregnant is. Then comes the aches and pains (bitches I had cracked ribs..I fucking win!). Followed by the gender determination or not...a true mother lets the suspense of the gender reveal last the whole pregnancy. BUT, a family oriented mother will include the whole family in a big gender revealing themed party!! And it just goes from there. 
After the babies come it gets worst. Breastfeeding vs formula. Nursing vs pumping. Working vs stay-at-home. Cloth diapers vs disposable diapers. Vaccinations vs non-vax'ing. And of course every mother thinks SHE knows what's best for every child on the face of this earth. 
AND don't get me started on names!

Oh the hell with it....

Here's my experience with snarky bitches. I'm not naming names, but giving the situation. 
This one is called the Shield and Ignore Snarky Bitch:
   Mac works with this SISB. We've been to social gatherings with her in the past and I've spoken to her often enough that I know her name and she knows mine. BUT, recently (mostly due to me being me and not holding back) Mac and I have become "social outcasts" from the group she's a part of, even though Mac still works with these people. My name hasn't changed, Nixon's name is still the it stands the reason if you say hello to Nixon and he's with me and I say hello to you, a hello or at least nod of the head to me would be acceptable, right?? WRONG! Nixon and I were running errands and ran into SISB and her boyfriend/not boyfriend (who did say hello to me and reminded me our fantasy draft was later that day). I was checking mail and Nixon was happily showing off his new toys, rewards for being so very well-behaved earlier that day. SISB says "Wow, Nixon those are really cool toys!" and shit like that to Nixon. I say "Yeah, further proof that mommy is a sucker for a well-behaved toddler" to which she says "Well Nixon, I've gotta go." and proceeds to walk out the door and totally not even make eye contact with me. 
   Now here's the thing: It's one thing to ignore me. It's another thing, to hide  behind the pretense of "I was paying attention to Nixon so I didn't even notice Rea there"....because everyone knows 2-year olds just travel the town by themselves these days and they're SO chatty! Fuck you, you snarky fake shielding bitch!! If you don't like me because your friend doesn't like me and she doesn't allow her husband to like me....whatever, but don't think for half a fucking second, that my son is a pawn to be used in your fucked up games! Thank you for not ignoring him, but next time don't bother spending time talking to him and having a conversation with him so you can carry on your snarktastic bitch mission! Just say hello and move along!

   After the SISB, there's the snarky bitches in the comfort of friends. Every single woman is guilty of this snarkiness. If you say you aren' are a fucking liar! There. I said it! You call it gossip. I call it snark. 

   You get together with your girlfriends. You get together with co-workers for drinks after work. You have a night out without the kids with some women you know, your husbands work together. You are on a forum on a social networking site. The point is you all have something in common. As time goes on and you get more comfortable, the snark comes out. It starts out as something super small and petty: "Can you believe what X was wearing today?" and it slowly spirals into nicknames like "tacky bitch" and "Oggie" when discussing certain people. We all have certain things that people do that bother us. 

   I'm snarky towards people who have a leadership role, but require someone else to go to their house to relay a message so said leader can do their role. It takes time away from the other person's family and it's the person in the leadership role to make sure he/she can be reached. If there's an issue at hand they need to take more steps to fix it. Otherwise, they're not being a very good leader. And yes, I will be snarky and bitchy about that no matter who the leader is, because if you want to be in charge you need to be IN charge!

 I admit to being a snarky bitch. I don't hide it. I'm not snarky all the time though. I'm not randomly snarky either. If I feel I've been snarked, I'll let one slide. If I get another one, all bets are off. And there are a few people now, who have earned gold star snark status. Gold start status is an elite status there are maybe 5 people or less who have achieved goal. If you've reached gold star status....I'm a snarky bitch anytime your name is mentioned. Most recently one of my gold star card carrying members was mentioned in conversation. She is expecting baby number 2 and has been spouting all over the 'net that this one "better be a girl" and shit like this. I have NEVER understood statements like this....who puts demands on the unborn like that! I mean talk about pressure. The baby has no control over that shit...does no one remember biology anymore?!?!? If you weren't doing the reverse cowgirl, on a swing, during the full moon, while drinking dragons blood, wearing purple blindfolds, at exactly 1202am on a Tuesday you are NOT going to have a girl...EVERYone knows that!! Everyone! So what happens when she gets that magical ultrasound and the baby has 2 penises....(because that's what my snarky bitch ass is hoping for!! Let that bitch have SUPER BOY!!!).... And she starts crying over not having a girl and how unfair the world know what her baby inside her is saying...."Motherfucker...are you serious?? I have 2 fucking penises and you're crying?!?!? Fuck you mom! You stupid cunt! I grew and extra penis to impress you and you're crying because I don't have ONE vagina. MOM, think about ALL the vagina I'm going to get with 2 penises!! Think of all the grandbabies I can give you!! Goddammit mom! You just wait till you get old and sick....I'm going to put you in the fucking dumpiest state funded nursing home...and I'm going to tell you it's because "I'm not a girl!" Fucking Cunt!"

^^ See that people....that is a gold star status snarky bitch rant! It's a fucking beautiful thing!

BTW...."Baby with 2 Penis" is the name of Mac's new band. If he ever formed a band.