Thursday, September 27, 2012

Nixon wrote this blog!

*Nixon has started saying "I want to press the letter buttons on the computer and be mommy". He asked "may I use both hands to press the letter buttons?".....and this blog was born. I apologize of nothing makes sense, he's almost 4 I'm sure it makes sense in his head. Enjoy!*

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvbbbbeffvheghksejgkvefhluefhgv b ghkfezghefbnecdvmbwsvduk fggsrhstjmndmk,jhgctrfggccxcvhggbcvjnbm v cdfdcsdsxs
sssdddwesdsdsdsdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddbbbbnbnbnnnmnnbbvbvbbvvbbvvbvbmmmmmmmyy ym
nnnaaammmnmmeeee
iiiiiiiisssssss
nniiiiiixxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn  (maybe some coaxing with the letters happened here)



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Oh, you know, he's socially awkward...he gets it from me.

Dear mom at the park today,
   Hi. I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself today. I must've missed the "yoga pants and workout tee" memo that you sent out. My jeans and comfy tee & hoodie combo looked rather out of place. My son's sneakers were also displaced in the sea of crocs.
  But my intent is not to discuss the "dress code" of the park, but rather my son's behavior towards your child. I know, my son's big for his age, he looks much older than he is. But don't hold that against him, he's still an awesome kid. Just a little socially awkward, he comes by it naturally, as I'm incredibly socially awkward.
  I know my son was trying to play with your child. He must've seemed a little overzealous, when he ran up to your child said "hi" than ran away and said " come chase me". And to your child's credit, they gave chase. Then your child climbed up a ladder and my child was trying to ask him to come back down and chase again. The "yes" and "no" exchange happened, I'm not sure you noticed, you were talking to a few other memo-clad moms. You did notice when your child said my child was "mean". That hurt, because he wasn't being mean, he wanted to play just coming off a little odd. Well, they did try to play again and I'm guessing you aren't a high-five-type family because when my awesome son tried to give your child a high-five your child tried to punch him in the face. I got up and pulled my son aside, telling him to keep his hands to himself, even if he was just trying to be nice and make a new friend. You...well, you were on your phone doing something that looked a lot like not parenting. Angry birds? Yeah, I'm kind of an addict too, maybe we'll see each other at the next ABA meeting??
  You did tell you child a couple time to keeps "hands to yourself" and Nixon went on to play with his ball and talk to another child. This is where I kind of get pissed, though I'm too awkward to say anything. See, or rather you didn't what with your phone in hand...those pigs get you every time, right???, my son was talking nicely to another small child at the slide. Your child came over and said "He's (Nixon, is who your child is talking about) mean! He's a mean boy" and the mother of the other child came and removed her child from Nixon. Nixon did nothing wrong at this point!! But you didn't see that, or you pretended not to notice.
   Nixon went over and complimented another child on the shirt they were wearing (Angry Birds, for the record), and your child, on the swing next to this interaction, tried kicking Nixon as they were swinging on their bellies. Nixon tried to grab your child's foot, resulting in his 3rd warning about keeping his hands to himself and our departing the park. Even though he was (a) trying to play and (b) reacting to another child's action, we were leaving.
   I can not thank you and your memo pals enough for not verbally saying anything as I carried my screaming child plus a travel coffee mug, water bottle and latex ball away. However, I do know that air of silence that falls when bitches are about to start squawking! So squawk away. Roll your eyes that my child got taken home, literally kicking and screaming, thinking your child would NEVER behave like that.

   For the record, I will be back at this park. It's so close to my house I  can't not go often. I can promise you, there will be days I might *look* like I fit in and got them memo about the "dress code", I assure you it's purely accidental. I wear workout clothes to work out. Also, yes my child may come off as pushy, but I assure you, your child came off as a whiny, tattletale who was ruining Nixon's chance of making a better-fitted friend.

signed,
the frazzled mom in jeans and hoodie, drinking her coffee and playing ball with her kid before all this shit went down. (aka, that one who didn't fit in)

Saturday, September 22, 2012

being a parent can ruin your self-esteem...or so I've learned

    Once again, I'm still watching Peanut. Just a few more days. Don't get me wrong I love this little girl, but some of her attitude has really got me questioning myself.

   She has a lot of things going on: starting Kindergarten, mom gone, being 5 and a personal family issue as well. It's a lot for a kid, I get it. But this week has been WICKED! I've sat down and talked to her, I''ve yelled at her, I've taken things away from her, I started the week with the promise of a surprise on Friday if she went all week without an issue at school (yeah, that didn't happen. Monday she had a tantrum at school). She's talking back, lying to my face, thrown an attitude at me over breakfast today.

   I finally asked her if she would do this to her mom or other caretakers. Her response? No. Because she knows they won't put up with it. And by not put up with it, I mean spank her. I can not and will not spank her. I know she KNOWS what she's doing is not okay. She's making a conscious decision to do these things.

   And it hurts me. It really hurts me, hearing her admit that if I were any other caretaker she wouldn't do this shit! It bothers me that I'm not good enough to respect and listen too. It also hurts me knowing that, if I spanked her she'd listen better. I shouldn't have to raise a hand to her to have her listen to me. She knows what she's doing is wrong and hurtful to me.

   And it bother me that the rebellious actions of a 5-year old have me questioning my self-worth as an adult. I thought I outgrew all that shit when I left my parents house. I did act up because I had NO respect for them as parents. But they proved they weren't worthy of my respect. I haven't done anything to earn this child's disrespect. Have I? I'm really not sure. Maybe I'm not stern enough? I follow through on "threats" when she's done something, like have a tantrum at school.

    It really bothered me because my own parents didn't feel I was good enough. I was "supposed" to be a boy. I was too smart, it bothered my parents. I knew, from a relatively young age, I'm not the child they wanted. My sister was more like them. She was spared from a lot of anger because of that.

  Who knew that a kid, not even mine, would make me feel inadequate as a person. Now I have to see myself as the adult I've become and not let this childish behavior break me. But driving home today, with she and Nixon in the car, I felt the tears thinking of her words this morning. Knowing she doesn't respect me like the other people who've cared for her, made me want to call it a day and just walk away. I'm still here because I promised her mom I would be. I still love this child, but she's got issues I can't even being to understand, and for some reason I seem to have become her outlet.

   I'm failing here somehow. I know I am. But damned if I know where or how to begin to fix it....
 

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Anyone else living with an "over-sharer"?

the littlest over-sharer I know!

   There was a time, not too long ago, that Mac and I were concerned about Nixon's speech. It seemed like we were guessing more than hearing what he was saying. Fast forward to Nixon and I spending over a month with my "niece" Peanut and a verbal explosion has occurred in him. 

   With it, it seems, came the phase of verbal vomit (also known as: no-filter or child inappropriate'itis) from Nixon. Our conversations used to be mundane and one-sided with me doing the majority of the talking. Now I get the play by play of almost everything, literally everything, he does. 

Take this morning:
Nixon- I be right back, mommy
me- where are you going?
Nixon- to potty
me- okay
*5 minutes later*
Nixon: MOMMY, we have a big problem!
me- what's wrong?
Nixon- I took a big poo poo and pee pee. You have to see it (the poo poo I think)!
me- no thank you Nixon, please put your undies back on and flush
Nixon- MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have to LOOK AT IT!! I grabbed my toes and I pushed that poo poo right out of my butt and the pee pee is water, it came out my peenie.
me- yes Nix, that is how the body works.
Nixon- it's a big poo poo mommy, i think it won't go into the tunnel (toilet)
(it went down just fine)

Yesterday we had a discussion about how his penis feels most comfortable in his undies:
me- Nixon, what are you doing?!?! (as he's pulling down his pants and undies)
Nixon- my peenie is not right
me- not right?? do you have an owie on it?
Nixon- no. it needs to point down, not up.
me- okay
Nixon- Mommy, you know that
me- Nixon, I don't know that. I don't have a penis.
Nixon- WHAT?!?! (and then after putting his penis right and pulling his undies and pants up, he walks away, mumbling) mommy has no peenie 

I more than likely walk around naked WAY too much. But I figure it's only my son and since he came from the deepest depths of my body, he's not going to get scarred seeing me naked. I might be wrong on that count:
me- (after getting out of the shower) Nixon, you need to brush your teeth
Nixon- nuh-uh
me- NIXON get in here now!
Nixon- mommy yous naked?
me- yes, its how most people are after a shower. now brush your teeth
Nixon- mommy you have sharp nipples
me- No baby, I'm cold and getting dressed
Nixon-beautiful mommy you have alotta butt
me- you couldn't stop at "beautiful mommy" could you?
*Come to think of it, I think I'm getting scarred by him seeing me naked more than he is.*

He's also told me where pee and poo come from in regards to Jack, my friend's giant Great Dane puppy. He doesn't hold back on the morning breath comments either. "Mommy, your teeth are dirty and you mouth stinks", as he comes in to wake me up!

But, I'll take all his open honesty, so long as he keeps calling me "Beautiful Mommy". He came up with that on his own, and he calls me that whenever he needs my attention. 

Monday, September 17, 2012

A fair day indeed

movie theater with recliners...WHAT?!?
 
 I've been at F's since stupid-early Wednesday morning. The drama and hoops she's dealt with to get Peanut into before-and-after care has been an almost commitable level of insanity. While she was dealing with all this, Peanut was still in school and F was working. I came back to make sure Peanut got to and from school while F was at work. 

  

Mac came up for the weekend, since he was off. Friday we had a date night (Resident Evil Retribution 3d) 

   



Sunday was a joint family fun day! We had talked about and decided to go to the County Fair. Peanut had decided we were going to go before she even asked F or anyone for that matter. While the kids skated a thin line between good and naughty we ultimately went to the fair. 
I swear, he really did like this ride!

    This was Nixon's first time at a large outdoor event. The first thing I did, after we arrived, was get down on my knees, to Nixon's level and show him who to find if we get separated. There were county sheriffs wearing brown uniforms standing close to the entrance. I told Nixon "If you lose mommy or daddy and you can't find us, you go find a "naughty" (Nixonese for police officer) who looks like those men right there *points to the uniformed officers* and you tell them you're lost. They will help you find us." Thankfully, we never needed their assistance but I felt better just making sure Nixon knew who to go to for help, if it came to that. 

one of the last rides of the day, Peanut and Nixon together. 
Such a great day!
    Nixon was not all about the fair food, and it seemed he'd be a bust on rides too. F and I got the kids a bracelet that let them ride (and ourselves) unlimited times. Nixon was not feeling any of the rides, either crying immediately or deciding to jump out of line during the wait. Finally, we were waiting for a small ride with motorcycles that caught his eye, when he decided he HAD to ride a different ride, right now! I took him over to it and we got on right away. Nixon was in love with the ride! It was a simple ride (called Wiggle Worm, it was similar to a roller coaster seating-wise, and had an oval front wheel so it was an up-and-down ride) but he LOVED it! After that he wanted to go on a kids ride that looked like the Pirate Ship ride. It was AWESOME! It started moving forward and back like the Pirate Ship, but then moved in circle movements while still going in the front and back movement. He loved this ride so much, we went on it twice!
    Bad mom I am, I did not take a single photo of these moments! 
    We went to see some animals and ended up going back on more rides before leaving. It was an amazing day, all-in-all. Fried dough on the way out made it a complete success at the fair!
   


We came home and everyone (tried to) took a nap. Poor F was sick, food poisoning is assumed to be the cause.  


Nixon and Mac napping together, after the fair. 

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Why I can't be the mom I pretend to be all the time??

That mom who has it all together? That's not me. But I can pretend with the best of them and make you think I have it all together.

When I know eyes are on me, watching me interact with Nixon, I'm ON! It's go time. I use my gentle voice, I'm attentive to what Nixon wants/needs and I even feed him the healthy snacks!

But when I'm OFF... it's not like I ignore him let me set the record straight about that right now. It's more like I encourage him to be free-thinking and self-dependent. I'm comfortable at home with Nixon doing his own thing. He's almost 4, I need him to be resilient enough to not always need me to be his playmate. As an only child this is one of his biggest stereotypes to overcome. He's not always the center of attention in our home.

WHAT?!?!? An only child who is not the universe to his parents??

No, that's not what I said. Nixon is my world and beyond, but I owe it to him to let him take his turn, teach him manners, make him share (not just toys, but attention too) and *tell him "no".
*This is my weakest point! When I'm around friends or other moms, I'm good with the "no". But when it's just me and Nixon, I'm not as strong. I'm too quick to reward good behavior in public, to the point its almost an expectation than a reward.

Why can't I be the pretend mom all the time? Why do I beat myself up for not being a "good' and health-conscious mom all the time? Why do I feel guilty when I see Nixon happily playing by himself?  Why do his imaginary tales that make me giggle in awe at his thoughts, also make my heart hurt because sometimes it seems he's so deep in his own head?

I can teach him everything I want and still feel inadequate.
How is that possible?
I'm a mom. Moms around the world know, there's no bigger critic than yourself. There's all these "mom wars" from birth, but there's no critic like the voice inside your head. She's the one telling you you're not good enough. She tells you you are not doing enough for him or you're not letting him or enough. You can never make that voice happy and there's no shutting her up!

I wish daily I was the perfect mother.
I want to do right by Nixon and at the same time I want to disprove every single only child myth there is. I want people to see Nixon and judge him not because he's an only child, but instead when they find out be shocked and awed by him!
But more than anything, I want to freeze that voice in my head's mouth shut with her negativity and nagging ways. Seems the only way to do that, is to be a better mom.

Here's the mom I am: I feed Nixon fast food, I let him skip a bath (more than a couple nights in a row), I hug and kiss him hourly, I let him watch too much tv and encourage him to read occasionally, we play outside sometimes, I let him do his own thing most of the time, I sneak extra z's by bribing Nixon with his favorite tv shows on dvr, I spank him when he has done that ONE too many times thing I've warned him about, it's hardly a spank more a tap on the ass but his tears break my heart!, I yell too much and cuss too much, I don't do enough educational play with him and he's just now learning how to dress himself but he's been picking out his own clothes for over a month now.

The mom I think I should be: makes organic meals from scratch, takes daily nature walks together, doesn't even own a tv and wouldn't dream of taking moments away from her child by sleeping in, never spanks and hasn't uttered a curse word...ever. She makes everything educational and doesn't long to go back to work because she wants to homeschool!

I'll never be ^^that mom! But you know what? Nixon doesn't care, Mac doesn't care so why do I? Because I'm judging myself harsher than anyone.

Why can't I be happy that Nixon is kind, caring, affectionate, loving, strong-willed and healthy? For some reason it doesn't seem enough. I feel like he should be more than all that. I can say, while I feel that way, I never push him to be more than he already is. My issues are not his and if I have my way, they never will be. I want him to be free to be himself. Despite or in-spite of me I want him to be himself.

Friday, September 7, 2012

He's almost 4, so he planned his party!

 Nixon is obsessed with Super Hero Squad! He will run around the house yelling "Hero up!". It's adorable, from a mom's point-of-view. Plus the show is not overly violent, teaches friendship lessons and is lead by Iron Man (not Robert Downey Jr. Iron Man, but Iron Man non-the-less)


Nixon's 4th birthday is a little over 2 months away. I've started asking him what he wants for his birthday. He wants: underwear and toys, for gifts! 
The theme he wants is: Super Hero Squad.
He wants sandwiches (I, foolishly, suggested pizza. "NO pizza mommy! Pizza is gross!" was the response I got for that suggestion.), he wants Super Hero punch (I'm going to make this one up somehow) and cupcakes NOT cake! I'm really enjoying that he can help plan things. It's awesome to know he has his own opinions. He even asked for a cape for his birthday party! 

The issue?? It's nearly impossible to find Super Hero Squad party supplies. I've got 4 sites bookmarked because no one site has all the supplies I want/need! 

Thursday, September 6, 2012

"You really are, mommy"

Driving around to drop off some paperwork for a friend today.
I made a turn too early and was stuck driving around a bank's parking lot instead of the office building's lot I needed to go to.

me: UGG! Nixon, your mommy is such a moron sometimes.
Nixon: You really are mommy.
me: Nixon, did you just agree that I'm a moron.
Nixon: Yes, mom. You are you know.
me: *sigh* I really am.

Good to know he's always got me back.

In other news, I think he's well on his way to being able to handle "your mom" jokes. I make them about myself all the time!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

then I put myself in Time Out

**Disclaimer: I'm watching Peanut for the month. I've been here almost 2 weeks and have a little over 3 to go. I'm doing the mom of 2 thing again....not always rocking it either**

Ugg.... this is not how my Sunday was supposed to be.

I went to bed last night with the plan to wake up and take everyone out to breakfast. Pancakes, bacon, eggs...the whole 9 yards. Mac and I have been going out to breakfast on his days off for most of our entire relationship. Sometimes with friends sometimes just us. When Nixon came along, I started looking forward to family time out of the house.
The past almost 2 weeks have been less than stellar. It's hard being away from my home for so long. Nevermind not seeing Mac. Mac is here for the weekend, since it's his weekend off, but he hasn't seen us since last week before he arrived Friday morning. So the opportunity to do something we've done for years now was something I was looking forward too. And then reality happened....

The kids woke up. One of them was refusing to listen to me and the other one was throwing shit....again! I woke up with my throat feeling like I chugged a nice cup of shredded glass: raw, sore and hurt when I talked. Did that stop me from laying down the law when the kids yells went from gleeful fun to screaming bossiness?? Nope.
So I started laying down the law! Like a boss...
Clean your rooms!
No crying or whining.
Look at me when I'm talking to to you!

One of the kids was really annoyed to have to clean their room. "I don't know what to do!" So I said "pick up your toys. put your clothes here. put the blankets back on your bed" and walked away leaving this little one to get it done. Only they didn't. Instead they sat on the floor LOOKING at the mess. I asked which was the one thing they didn't want to do the most, which one was the "hardest". Of course, cleaning up the toys was the answer...they were all over the room. So I compromised...well, it was a compro-ishment (punishment + compromise), just pick up the toys and never mind the clothes and blankets. Genius right?!?!? No, someone was not impressed.

By this point, I knew I was reaching my breaking point. I was very annoyed and quickly losing my cool. I had asked both kids to put their shoes on, fully intending on go out to breakfast and resetting the mood for the day. Except I got attitude when I said "put on your shoes". So I said stay in your room and finish cleaning it. We're not going anywhere! Awesome, right??

Then, I left Mac home with the kids and I went to get donuts. Did we need donuts? No, of course not. Were the kids behaving well enough for donuts...yeah, that was also a negative. But I needed an excuse to get out of the house for a bit and donuts seemed to be good enough. It took me almost an hour to go get them and come home. By the time I cane home, the room was finally cleaned and everyone, including myself, was in a better mood.

Mommy took a time out! (and I came home with large iced pumpkin latte too!)