Wednesday, November 28, 2012

and then my heart stopped

It almost seems ironic that this would happen tonight after the conversation Mac and I had in the car this evening. We were talking about the NYC nanny murder story and the recent not guilty plea. Which led to our conversation about stupid shit people say at the worst times.

Mac: You know, I'm really tired of hearing people saying this god has a plan bull. Is that really comforting to anyone?
me: Beats me. What kind of god plans for a mother to have 2 children in her life for 5 and 2 years, only to walk into her home and see the end of their murders? Like seriously, that's a merciful being?
Mac: Yeah, well if we're ever in those shoes I'd better never hear those words come out of anyone's mouth towards me.
me: Nah, you know if it happens to us we'll have it even worse. I mean, at least this family had one child spared. We'll hear the "I bet you're really regretting that vasectomy now" at the funeral.
Mac: NO the hell I won't! I'll have who ever says that escorted out and we'll never see them again!
me: Not before I can say "I bet you're regretting those words" as I stab them in the throat. I'm going to wear steel toed boots to any funeral like that. And kick any asshole that says stupid shit. Sorry, Nixon, I shouldn't be cussing right now.
(When we got home I did give Nixon extra hugs and kisses and tell him we got upset thinking of him being taken from him because he is irreplaceable to us. He really is our one and only)

Which brings me to 20 minutes ago:

I spent some time in tonight in the spare bedroom working on my sewing machine. Nixon came in twice, asking for hugs and kisses (awww....I know, right??) When I was done I went to check on him.
His bed was empty.
I checked the bed in the spare room, which I had just left, thinking maybe I just hadn't noticed him.  But he wasn't there either.
I checked his room again. His bed was empty.
There was no Nixon-shaped limp on the floor.
Even the bathroom was empty.
Just as I was about to call to Mac, who was downstairs, in a panic I peeked in our bedroom. And there passed out, splayed all over the bed like he owned it, sleeping like an angel, was my baby boy.
I called Mac up and let him go room to room before showing him where Nixon was, but his panic wasn't nearly as bad as mine was.

For a one-millionth of a moment in time, I thought something had happened to him and my world was slowly spinning out of control.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

You've been my best 4 years

I'm paraphrasing Taylor Swift, but the gust is: My baby boy turned 4 yesterday!

The in-laws are visiting, having arrived yesterday to celebrate Nixon's birthday (his first birthday in the states....ever!, so I get it's kind of a big deal) and are staying through Thanksgiving with us. Small yay.
I'm kind of a control freak....slightly, maybe a little....okay, a lot. SO, it's very hard for me to stand back and not say things without (a) coming off as rude or (b) being a complete bitch. Honestly, there's no happy medium, trust me I've tried for years to try to find one. So I usually do my own thing and just let things happen and stew in silence. It pretty much, almost totally (did not) work the last visit. But this time, I realized I'm still a little bat shit crazy and started my meds again. Problem is....they're really fucking up my appetite, and that means I have a mother-in-law who is watching (and apparently keeping track) of everything I do and don't eat!
Take today: we left early this morning to buy Nixon's new bed. I grabbed a banana before we left. We got home and I went to Nixon's bedroom and put the bed together (thank you Ikea for making affordable but also very mind numbingly annoying furniture instruction sheet) when I came downstairs to grab a trash bag, she tells me "You should sit down. You need to eat, you only eat banana all day. That not enough. (turns to my brother-in-law) Do you think that is enough for her to eat?" See, the thing is, the last time I was on the meds, she tried telling me I needed to hire help because I might be a danger to Nixon!! So, excuse me for not telling her why I'm not eating right now.
The meds tend to alter the taste of food. Yesterday, my coffee tasted like mud. MY COFFEE!!!!!! It's only temporary, while I'm adjusting to them again. but it's a hell of a thing to be dealing with during the best eats time of the year!

As I mentioned, Ikea helped finally furnish Nixon a twin bed:

That is his room, less than 5 minutes after I was done getting everything where I wanted it. He is currently asleep, napping in his new bed. 
On his bed is a brand new magician bunny I bought for him, because every kid should have a magic bunny, right? Nixon saw him and immediately named him "Bunny, Bunny" and just before his nap he told me to say "welcome bunny bunny" which I assume is welcome bunny bunny to the family. 

For those wondering, I did not cry on Nixon's birthday. I did put his bed together myself. and I did make him a pink cake, at his request for his Avengers theme!

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Rough Night

**This post is not at all politically related. I apologize in advance if some readers may have misinterpreted the title*

Saturday, Nixon was running outside while I was raking up leaves. It goes, almost without saying, that he found a stick and was playing with it. I'd warned him more than once to be careful and stop running while scraping the stick on the ground in front of him. So.....of course he eventually fell, scraped up 6 of 8 fingers and started crying bloody murder! I scooped him up and immediately set to the task of seeing how bad the injuries were and cleaning them up. HOLY shit, you'd have thought he amputated fingers the way he was carrying on. BUT, to be fair to him, this is the first really serious bloody injury he's had.
About 30 minutes later, 6 band-aids and 2 dum-dums he was quietly playing Angry Birds while sitting inside the house, at the front door while I finished the yard work. He scraped 3 fingers on his right hand pretty badly, his left hand had 3 really minor scrapes but he wanted band-aids for them as well.


It was bath time and I always prepare Nixon for bath time about 30 minutes in advance so he knows it's coming. He was also warned that the band-aids had to be changed on his right hand (the still sensitive, owie hand). Cue the tears. Not just his usual crocodile tears, these were real, big, giant, sobbing and jaw chattering tears. I'd get him a little calmer and then something else about the fingers would get him going again. Bath time was a disaster ending with Nixon in tears and me crying while comforting him because he's so upset and I couldn't calm him down!
I caved.
I couldn't watch him getting so upset. So we ended bath time without changing band-aids and without shampooing his hair. I did wash him before pulling the plug.
He was finally calming down.
I grabbed 3 new band-aids and slowly managed to change the band-aids without totally traumatizing him.
Nixon and I put Mac to bed (he has to work in the morning) then went into Nixon's bed and snuggled while reading his newest bedtime story favorite A vs X babies comic book. After the comic book, we started talking about his birthday (seriously, how it his 4th birthday 2 weeks away already?!?!?!?) and his theme. He's been saying Avengers for over a month now.
Tonight he says: Spider Man

There's a significance to Spider Man and my life. My nephew A, loved SpiderMan when he was just about Nixon's age. It's always been painful for me to see anything SpiderMan and Nixon together because it reminds me of the void A's absence has left in my life.
I started tearing up, trying very hard to keep myself in check, while Nixon looked at me with concern. I tried explaining it to him like this:
"Honey, mommy loves a little boy who I haven't seen in a very long time. He's gone away and I don't know how to find him. He was very close to me, almost as close to me as you are. And he loved SpiderMan a whole lot! Your request just made me think of him and get a little sad, because I love him so much. But I love you more and if you want SpiderMan for your birthday, then I'll talk to Daddy about it."
And I did...I went in, woke Mac up and he held me while I cried for A. For the unknown place he is, hoping he's happy and healthy and wanting to send a thought to him that I love him.

It's been almost 6 years since I told him I loved him.
A...your Aunt loves you, more than you know.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

It's November...30 days of grateful list

On facebook a lot of my friends and family members are making daily statuses of things they're grateful for. Always up for a challenge (do I really have 30 things I'm grateful for??) I decided to jump on just this one bandwagon and give it a go. After this morning's status I realized my 30 things really revolve around just one person: Nixon.
So I decided I'll come here and make a "30 things I'm grateful about Nixon" list instead.

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1 - I'm thankful for a son who chose my last DD pumpkin spice k-cup for my morning coffee. He knows me so well!
2 - I'm thankful for every morning I get woken up by a happy, smiling kiddo quietly crawling into bed with me and asking "to turn on the TV upstairs"
3 - My son's sense of humor! He can make me laugh with his dancing any day.
4 - I'm thankful for a mostly healthy child. A couple colds and some tummy aches are nothing compared to what other parents face. I try hard not to take that for granted.
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5 - As hard as it is, I'm grateful Nixon's growing up.
6 - I'm grateful for every hug and kiss he gives me. I know someday I won't get them so I'm banking them all now!
7 - I'm grateful Nixon is beginning to share interests with his dad. It's adorable to see them playing Lego's together or talking about Star Wars.
8 - I'm thankful for the past decisions I made that brought me to today and my life. Without past decisions I wouldn't have Nixon and Mac.
9 - I'm grateful for the easy infant stage...and that I'll never do it again! Nixon was a fairly easy baby much like the little boy he's become!
10 - I'm grateful for Nixon's sense of adventure. He's up for most things I suggest and almost always ends up loving it!
11 - He loves coffee! I mean he only gets a tablespoon or so in a cup, but he loves it and it makes me feel closer to him. Like I envision days, years from now, with us sitting at the table talking over coffee.
12 - I am grateful for the patience he's brought to my life. It's not easy raising a child with little or no extended family around, so I can't just take a break I have to make them, sometimes for both of us.
13 - I'm grateful Nixon has empathy for others and animals. He asked for a sad pumpkin when we made paper jack-o-lanterns! He cried during a movie "because I's so happy, mommy"
14 -  I'm blessed to be the mom of a little boy with manners. Please, thank you, excuse me (though occasionally prompted to be said) are regulars in his vocabulary. He even says them in more than one language, having learned a couple Japanese phrases in Okinawa and some Spanish from Dora and Diego.
15 - I'm thankful he's building a relationship with his grandmother. I love my grandmother, crazy as she can be sometimes, and I'm so thankful Mac's mother is filling those shoes in my son's life. I get a warm fuzzy in my heart when he asks to call Nana, even if he only talks to her for 5-10 seconds and gets distracted by something else and promptly hands me the phone!
16 - I'm grateful for Nixon's laugh. When he finds something truly hilarious it is impossible not to laugh with him!
17 - My kisses are still magical to him. When ever Nixon has any kind of owie, before I cave in a put a band-aid on it, I always kiss it first. Sometimes the simple act of lips to owie is all it takes to make Nixon say "it all better mommy". And that won't always be the case, so I'll take what I can get while the magic still works.
18 - I love watching him learn compassion for the cats. He's so gentle and makes it a point to tell me he's being gentle, to Arwen who until recently wanted nothing to do with him.
19 - I'm grateful I can teach Nix games like red light/green light and rock/paper/scissors (lizard/spock/fire/water balloon). I enjoyed these games as a child and even if he doesn't grasp the total concept right now, he enjoys them none-the-less.
20 - I'm grateful I didn't get that emergency c-section when in labor with Nixon. There came a single scary moment when Nixon's heart rate dropped very, very low and I was hurriedly told to get on all fours and given a shot. During these very tense moments, not entirely sure what was going on, I heard "is the OR open? Can we make sure it stays open? This may be a rush to get in". Finally, just a couple minutes later baby boy's heart rate returned to normal and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Less than an hour later, I was holding my heart-stoppingly beautiful baby boy for the first time. Apparently, we're too good for a drama-free birth story!
21 -  I'm thankful he asks to hold my hand, gives me high-fives and wants to be snuggled. I can't really remember getting lots of affection from my parents and I was honestly very afraid I wouldn't be able to be a loving parent when I had my own child. Thank you, Nixon, for letting me be a loving mom to you.
22 - I love that Nixon loves music. He's got some favorites too. Fall Out Boy has been a favorite of his since he was 3 months old. Somethings never change, he was rocking out to FOB today in the kitchen.
23 -  (remember when I thought this would be an easy task??) I'm thankful I knew when to get help and take it to be a better mom. It's not always easy to admit something is not right in your head, in fact its pretty daunting if you don't have support from loved ones, but when you have that one "oh shit!" moment, no matter what it is, take it seriously and get some help. I'm grateful to the doctors I saw that realized I was asking for help and gave it to me. Without them, I may have ruined the best thing in my life...Nixon's smile.
24 - I'm grateful there are some nights Nixon knows exactly what he wants for dinner and he helps make it. Breakfast for dinner is a great idea, made better by an enthusiastic Nixon helping me out. "Be careful mom, the stove is hot!"
25 - I'm thankful for our nap times together. Sometimes, just snuggling in bed and hearing him softly snoring is more peaceful than any nap.
26 - I'm thankful for the pictures and videos I have of Nixon from birth. They're great memories that I don't have from my childhood.
27 - I'm incredibly thankful for the 3 years in Okinawa. With no family (and sometimes no friends) I was forced to step-up as Nixon's mom and I feel I did just fine. I have an awesome husband who, sometimes begrudgingly, took part in silly things I wanted to do as a family and many times enjoyed himself!
28 - I'm grateful I waited until I found a guy I loved and knew I'd marry to have a child. I'm grateful Nixon has 2 parents who genuinely love each other, even when we argue. It happens so rarely that when we do get heated, Nixon will run between us and say "No! You stop it now!" because his whole little world just doesn't work with us arguing. I'm so glad he can defuse an argument with just his little voice telling us to stop. We almost always stop to give him hugs and kisses letting him know we're all okay. It's the 3 of us versus the world!
29 - I'm thankful Nixon enjoys trips to the zoo. Any zoo will do, so long as there are animals and areas to run.
30 -  I'm grateful I have a son. I have MY son, the child I dreamt of for years and never thought I'd actual hold. I hold him in my arms every day, kiss him throughout the day and always tuck him in at night. If I tried I couldn't picture a more perfect child for me. Nixon, you test my patience, share my love for animals (and coffee) and complete me in a way I never imagined. You are the reason I get up every day (and not just because you won't let me sleep anymore). I love you and I'm so blessed you are mine!

I love this child more than he'll ever know!