Sunday, July 31, 2011

I might need a class in tactful mommying

This latest creation of Nixon, led to a bath! 
Today's mission? Give Nixon a bath and shampoo his hair. I have no choice but to accept this mission, my child is getting that ode-du-funk, and it's gone from cute to peeeuuuuuuu! Seriously, how does a kid who can't really do much in the way of produce body odor manage to get his own funk scent??? What's a mom to do when bathtime makes her want to drink??

Well, I started by shopping this morning for more glow sticks. The only ones I could find were in the party section. I bought glow necklaces/bracelets and couple regular ole green glow sticks. After paying for those (and a 4 pack of crap cars that Nixon asked nicely for "Mommy, i have please?" without yelling OR throwing anything at me first...yeah I'm kind of a sucker for good behavior these days, especially from him), we head upstairs so I can check out potential new bath toys. Turns out.....there are no bath toys. BUT, there was a Lighting McQueen pool toy, so good enough for me!

Nixon rocking blue "lipstick"
 After Mac went to work, Nixon got into the hall closet with all the play dough, paints, markers and other art stuff. He asked to paint and I went with it. I got his area all set up, took off his shirt and shorts, sat him at the table and let him go to town! When I came back, I had quite a sight to see and a mess to clean...but Nixon was enjoying the fingerpainting! Nixon managed to paint his lips blue! With the fingerpaint. In addition to his arms, face, chest and legs! I was actually really impressed with the "lipstick" application, because I can't even put it on without a mirror and I've had years of experience!  This was right about the time I decided bath time was a GO and started getting it ready. I opened 3 glow sticks, the new floating Lighting McQueen toy and started running the bath. (Nixon of course started telling me "no bath momma, no bath!" he had a choice! cute, right?)

So, I get him into the bath, with a little coaxing. I let him bring the cars he ran across the fingerpaint covered paper into the tub with him. He was so into cleaning them off that he forgot to notice I put him IN the bath! I let him play and have fun and eventually manage to wash the paint all off him. Then comes the biggest challenge...the shampooing of the hair. I used the washcloth trick that worked so well for washing him off. I put the shampoo on the washcloth, rubbed his head with it, even got him giggling because it tickled him! Now, I probably could've just let him chill and relax for a bit. Instead, I used the usual small bucket we use when shampooing his hair.....and just dumped it over his head. Real quick: 1,2,3,4,5 and done! While Nixon is crying and screaming the whole time! (Worst mom Ever!!)

After that's done, I get his towel, dry him off and Mac had called, so he talks to Daddy for a minute while I get his jammies ready. Now, Mac couldn't see Nixon, but I could and Nixon was tattling on me!! Nixon was holding my cell in one hand, talking to Mac and with the other hand pointing very accusingly at me every time he said "bath". Except, he was still very upset and still sniveling from crying and being upset, so it sounded more like "(teeth chatter) bath...ummmm, *sniff*, yeah *sniff* mommy bath" It was so sad and so funny at the same time!

My 2.5 year old was tattling on me to Daddy...for giving him a bath!!! Who says you need siblings to teach you the finer lessons in life?? Nixon doesn't have a sibling and he's already learning how to be a tattle tale!

Friday, July 29, 2011

SuperMom and WonderWife is on the JOB

Every now and then I have a few stellar days in both the mommy and wifey departments. Today might just be one of those days. 

It started with Nixon actually ASKING for dinner. Lately, he'll refuse to eat anything I make for him. Tonight he came over to me and said "Momma, chicken is yummy in my tummy". I asked him if he wanted chicken for dinner. He said "No, mommy, BeBe wants chicken in his tummy." Well, if BeBe will eat it apparently Nixon will eat it too. I made Nixon his chicken tenders, a waffle and a banana (since Nixon declared veggies to be "yucky"). He ate the waffle, half his chicken and his banana. Plus he ate some of my pineapple pieces. 

Bathtime is a battle these days with Nixon. NO idea why, but it has become an epic battle that ends in tears, screams and I'm pretty sure the neighbors are speculating about murder until they see Nixon the next day! I've tried coloring the water with food color, I've bought foam numbers and letters, boats, squirt toys and everything works for a few baths and then they don't. He still freaks about getting his hair wet (even though he loves shampooing his hair himself!). So tonight, I tried a different approach (and discovered my husband really will save anything even remotely useful for an INcrediably long ass long time) tonight. 

Nixon enjoying the glowstick bath...
Mac has a plastic box of glow sticks. I figured I'd grab 3-4 of them, break 'em, shake 'em and  toss 'em in the tub filled with bubbles and WAH-LA.....glowing bubblebath! Nixon seemed really into the idea too...until it was time to get into the tub. But before that headache happened. Let me say...I found glowsticks that 1998!!! The most "recently" expired one was 2007! I managed to get 7 to work, but there were only 2 colors and that was out of 14 or so that I tried. (Yeah, Mac's not going to be happy about that but actually, hey I just saved us the trouble of taking useless shit back to the states with us!! I should be rewarded for that!!)
...and this was when they were not fun anymore

So I get Nixon undressed, wrestle him into the tub, (once again prepared for the MP's to show up and ask to see my son as they've had reports of suspected murder sounds coming fro our house) and after a few minutes Nixon starts grabbing the glow sticks and handing me the different colors. He had fun...for about 5.5 minutes and then wanted out. SO much for solving our latest bathtime dilemma. 

He went to bed and I decided to try on my WonderWife cape...maybe that one fits me better.

I'm doing my best to help us save money for our move home in May. In 2.5 months with making shopping lists, using coupons sent to us from friends and family back home and (this month) making a meal plan, we've managed to save over $225!! I'm very proud of that because it's really all I can contribute right now. 
This month I've made: potato salad, goulash, macaroni salad and tonight, just for Mac, a barbque meatloaf!
I find recipes and then usually tweak them to make them something I know Mac will enjoy more. The meatloaf tonight had more chili powder, less chopped onions but more chopped peppers and celery (not included in the recipe) and more beef. Which actually turned out to be an awesome idea, because it cooked down a lot. He's making meatloaf sandwiches out of it, so it's not the worst thing in the world that it cooked down. He's also supposed to take one to work for some of the guys on Sunday, because it's too spicy for me to eat, plus every now and then I like sending something homemade for the single guys (that aren't total asshole douchenozzles) to eat, its good karma for me.
It smells amazing!! 

So....SuperMom, eh??....I'm still growing into that costume. But WonderWife?? It's a damned near perfect fit, everytime I try it on!!

end result...very yummy smelling!

celery, pepper, onion stacked!

bar-b-que glazed and ready to bake!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

The funniest part of the vasectomy recovery period???? Nixon's timing!

Nixon was snuggling on my chest on the sofa while Mac was icing his knee. We were watching "How I Met Your Mother" and it was the episode that Marshall & Lily were trying to conceive for the first time.  I'd explain the rest, but the conversation is way better and kind of speaks for itself:

Me: "Hey, ya wanna do #6 tonight?"
Mac: "Oh I already did it in the shower?"
Me: "So....#7, tonight?"
Nixon: "Yeah, okay."
**cue Mac and I laughing loudly and obnoxiously at Nixon's timing and basic approval for our plans after he goes to bed tonight. the explanation. Well, use your own dirty imaginations!! It's pretty self-explanatory!!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011's not over yet.

There's an update in the works. 

My cousin found an email address for HP's CEO Customer Relations department. And emailed them. She's way more awesome than I am because I kept forgetting to. So by the time she got a reply from them (canned and full of bullshit) I still hadn't emailed them at all.

I did email them to pass on some of Mac's info that my cousin just wouldn't have. And then...they emailed Mac...and that's where it gets good. 

But I'm waiting for the final email between HP and Mac before I write another blog about the whole story. I just thought you might be interested to know, it's not over.

My husband's smart...but I have a blog!! I win!

Saturday night Mac and I dropped Nixon off at my friend's house for our night of free sitter service. (We had little Miss Macy the night before.) On the way to pick up our take out order, Mac mentions (and kept him unnamed) co-worker of his who feels we're being ridiculous for having an only based on financial reasons. He told Mac "God will provide" and felt the need to say this to Mac regardless of the fact that Mac is an atheist so his argument has no weight. Now, my husband is wise enough to NOT tell me who this Bible thumping asshole is who thinks he knows better than we do, and has the audacity to basically say our reason for having Nixon alone is shit-poor and we need to pop out another one since the peeping ghost in the sky and his zombie son will prove for us.... because they're doing such an awesome job of doing it for everyone else I know right now.

Okay, so I have nothing against most religious people. Most of my family is Christian of one denomination or another, and most of them accept that I am not. A few of them pray for me, I'm sure, but at least they don't tell me I'm going to hell anymore, because lets face it...I stopped believing that threat when I survived living in my parents home for 18 plus years. Honestly, Hell has a lot to live up to after that. And ultimately, so what if I'm wrong...but what if I'm not?? What if they're the ones who are wrong?? What if we're all wrong?? Who really knows what happens when we die? We're dead. The end.

Mac and I both grew up in home watching our parents struggle financially to provide for 2 children. It's very difficult knowing, from a young age,that your parents are fighting over money. It's harder still watching all your friends going away on vacations or getting awesome birthday parties/gifts and knowing you'll be lucky to go to the county fair for a day. My parents never saved for me to go to college and when I did go, it was against my dad's wishes. He thought it was stupid and wanted me to get a full-time job instead. So I did both....then I moved out. I'm STILL in debt for college tuition. It's shit like that that weighed heavily on our choice to have only Nixon, among other reasons. 

As for the "God will provide" bullshit. There's a reason Mac won't let me find out who this shithead is. Because in the car I started my rant before he shut me down (only because he agrees with me not because he wanted me to shut up). So, in order to get it off my chest and out of my head I give you my.....Loss of Faith Rant: 
Okay, so for the sake of argument, I did once believe in God. I prayed to him and asked him to help my dad not be so angry. I asked him to help my mom protect my sister and I. I asked him to help my dad stop drinking. I asked him to put my broken family back together. 
God never made any of those things happen. 
As I got older I saw worse things and I lived through worse things. I got beat at home by my dad and I got beat by my first boyfriend. God never helped me. No one helped me. 
So for this christian....what could me, a child around the age of 9 when it started, have possibly done to have deserved this kind of treatment? NO honestly, I'd like to know what kind of justification I'd get other than "God had a plan for you" because any plan that involved regular abuse from multiple people who "loved" me kind of sucks ass. And breaking up my family, while bringing my dad's mistress into my mom's home, while she was there acting as an old friend only to leave and fuck her HUSBAND (my dad)...AWESOME plan!! I mean, really props on that one, because we totally didn't see that coming. So, umm.....can I get a reasoning for that? I mean, what did my mom do to deserve that kind of betrayal from her husband?? Yeah, I was kind of expecting that blank stare from you asshole. Thanks for the help though. So umm....shall we continue, cause I could go on.  

Even after I stopped believing, I've seen infants get cancer, children my son's age have life threatening diseases, I've seen entire villages washed out to sea....and I've seen people say they'll pray for these people. I find myself thinking "I'm going to say he's not there right now". 
I've seen people picket deceased soldiers funerals in the name of the very same God this pretentious shit tells me will provide for my family if we have another child, and I've seen other hate crimes carried out in God's name. I'm tired of there being so much hate being done in God's name! I'm tired of my life's abuses being justified as "look how strong HE made you". I asked adults for help. I spoke to my pastor about what I was going through at home....and those fucking church shits decided it was a "family situation" since my dad left the church and wouldn't come to family counseling at the church. Thanks for fucking nothing, fuckface!
Am I angry? Yeah maybe I have some leftover anger. But mostly I'm pissed that people seem to refuse to accept that there are people that just don't believe in the bible and god and all those other fables that you (a general you) live your life by, so they keep pushing and pushing it on people. 

So, if anyone knows who this fucktard is who loves to thump the bible at work and tell my husband what a shame it is we're not giving Nixon the gift of a sibling because "siblings are a gift from God"....please be so kind as to tell him "Herpes and Syphilis are gifts from God too, feel free to go get them." 

I really hate people who only speak from their asshole and think while their head is firmly stuck up their ass. Their breath always smells like shit!

Once upon a time I believed in God, then I learned about logic and science. Now I prefer pagan beliefs of nature celebrations and strong belief in Karma. I married an outspoken Atheist and we have a free-thinking child who can believe whatever he wants as long as he chooses it out of a desire to believe and not a fear of not believing. When god starts sending me cash in the mail, to provide for my family I'll reconsider my stance.....but until then I like how I live my life. (Cash only cause this bitch ain't falling for no God scam!)

Monday, July 25, 2011

The post office gave me better gifts than my husband...too bad I have to buy everything first...I feel so cheated now.

This is me, with my custom mug...and it's all true!
Yesterday was not my typical run-of-the-mill post office day. First I had to take Nixon and try to redeem myself as the "Best Aunt Ever" to my niece, Violet. Her first birthday was the 18th of this month and I had totally let the month slip by without getting her gift. I knew one thing I wanted to get her...because Mac had suggested it (her name in Kanji, just like I'd gotten for her sister). So I stopped and ordered that yesterday morning after mac's haircut. Then, since Nixon decided NOT to nap at his usual time, so he came with me to get the rest of Violet's gifts..
Can I just say.....I have no clue what to shop for when it comes to buying for a baby girl?!?!? The clothes alone left me baffled and confused!! I mean, honestly, leggings, ruffles bottoms, skorts, tights, skirts.....I was loosing my mind!!! So I picked two complete outfits, that looked cute and like something I would put a daughter I had in, which might not be something Snotface would pick for her it's perfect! Then, Nixon picked out a babydoll for his cousin! And we were done!! (And I sent a thankful prayer to the goddesses for sending me a boy because I can shop for a boy, girls almost cause me to break out the paper bag and breath deeply into it!)

Nixon was ready for a nap after that, so I took him home, got the gifts ready to ship and then off to the post office. (Don't worry, he wasn't home alone, Mac was home sleeping as well, since he was working last night. So I told Mac I was leaving and he knew Nixon might get up and wander into our bedroom. Geez....what kind of mom do you think I am?!?!?) I love the drive to the post office, even in the rain! It's a nice 10-15 minute drive and by myself, it's pure heaven. I can listen to a podcast or my favorite angry chick music or anything that Mac is not a fan of. Or nothing at all. Sometimes, like yesterday, I turn off the radio and I listened to the wipers swish across the windshield and the rain beat on the roof of car. I also heard the thunder boom overhead. It was so soothing, since thunderstorms like the one we had yesterday are a rarity and something I missed, without even realizing I was missing them. 

Now, where was I?!?!? Oh yeah...the post office. So I got there, checked our box and we had no notices of packages to be picked up. I grabbed Violet's box, and went to send it out. While I was filling out the customs form (BIGGEST pain in the ass ever!! I can not wait to never have to fill one of those out again!!) 3 package slips went into our box!! So, because our post office staff is kind of awesome, they grabbed the packages while I paid for the shipping. HELLOS all the shits for me!!! (This is exciting because it almost never happens that way!)

First, the exciting envelope: big thing of coupons from a facebook friend. Epic score!
Second, really fast shipped electronic: new 9 cell battery for my netbook. Shits yeah no more charging this bitch every 45-56 minutes, suckas!!

And finally, the creme-dela-creme box: my brand new, custom ordered coffee mug!!!! But I'd rather add pictures than just try to tell you about the awesomeness. 

Close up of the mug
This was my morning setup....sometimes I have to bribe myself to get out of bed. New mug, preset coffee and caramel coffee syrup was my bribe today. 

Saturday, July 23, 2011

It's a contest, a cry for a help and a secret code!!!!

The HUBS and I are in a photo contest on facebook....

Guess what boys and's that time again. I know you're asking yourself "What time is that Rea?" and here's the answer:
It's time to vote for Mac & I in a photo contest to win a FREE session!!!
Okay I'm going to spell it out, so no one can say they didn't know how. Ready?? Okay:

step one: Go to Miss Mary Photography facebook page (or click on the link I added here to ease your search), are you there? cool, "like" her page (why?? because she's pretty awesome and she likes giving shit away, like free sessions on a weekly basis...fucking awesome! Right?!?!?) 
step two: Once you like her page, got to this album "Photo Contest: Couples!" Now, look for the one couple that has the graffiti background making you say "Damn that is a cool, fun couple who I HAVE to vote for!"...and VOTE...because that is us!! I know, how fucking awesome is that right?!?!? I mean anyone can get their picture taken on a beach, in a park, or you know that "standard" facebook arms length camera away pose....but a fucking graffiti'd building....goddamned gold right there motherfuckers!! Hell, if it weren't Mac and I, I might have to vote for a couple that came up with such a cool fucking idea!! But we did it first, so vote for us!! Now, I know you're all really excited about placing your vote, right?!?!? Well, here's how.....
Step three: the vote you comment on the photo. But, how about this...if you are voting because you read my blog, can you just write "Vote....down with PMM" for me?? No one but people who read my blog wll know what the fuck that means, but I will get a good fucking laugh out of it, and you'll be able to see who reads my blog, right?!?! It's kind of a fun "meet and greet" if you will, and of course, I'm double benefiting, but who cares, we're all friends right?!?!?
Voting is from now until Friday July 29th, Okinawa time, so Thurday night state/canada-side time. 
THIS is the photo you are voting for. But in case you don't have facebook, I didn't want to leave you wondering about the graffiti wall and photo awesomeness! So behold!!
Thanks for reading, hope you vote and see you at the "meet and greet"

Friday, July 22, 2011

Breakfast smiles with a side of bacon induced vomit.....and you sir, are a dick!

I'm pretty sure every morning I've gotten woken up by Mac this week, he's brought me bad news. Why can't he just ONCE come in, kiss me softly on the cheek, whisper something loving into my ear, place a fresh cup of coffee on the night stand next to the bed and say "Honey, it's morning and the day just isn't the same without you sharing it with me."....just once?!?!? Why??? Because, I didn't marry THAT pussy!! 
I married this guy:
Mac: "Babe, the power just went out"
me: "huh?"
Mac: "We've got no power"
me: "so?"
Mac: "It's hot and Nixon's going nuts because there's nothing for him to do."
me: "Fuck" (as I tried to stay asleep)
(5-10 minutes later....I'm honestly not sure how long it was because I don't wear a watch 98% of the time, my cell phone is never near me and we had no power...I hear Nixon screaming in the living room)
Nixon: "NOOOOOO! No mommy! No Mommy!"
Mac: C'mon, let's go get mommy out of bed"
me (in the bed still): "no mommy out of bed!"
Nixon: "No mommy!"

They come into the bedroom and I eventually get out of bed. We all get dressed and leave the house. There have been a lot of power outages around base this week, so it is what it is. Mac grabs a bag of ice for the milk and other dairy stuff, puts those things in the cooler with the ice and then we head off for our regular Mac's Saturday Off Breakfast Out. 
Apparently, a lot of other people had the same idea, because our regular breakfast place of choice was crowded! We got seated, tried to get Nixon situated (and failed miserably), ordered our drinks, drinks arrived and we ordered our breakfasts. Nixon was not feeling the sitting and waiting patiently & quietly part of the meal, so I had to take him into hall and do a public Time Out with him. It lasted much longer than the usual 2 minutes and was loud enough that Mac heard Nixon yowling in the restaurant....but I did not cave or give in, Nixon did his full TO for acting out in public. 

Now, Nixon has fallen in LOVE with bacon recently. So when we do our breakfast out we order him his own bacon strips. Usually we get his crispy since he like his the same way I like mine, probably because he steals mine all the time. Today, because he was acting out and they were busy, we rushed through placing our order and didn't ask for crispy bacon. I will so be regretting that in about 20 minutes!

Nixon comes back in from TO, our meals arrive a few minutes later and Nixon immediately starts shoveling a bacon strip into his mouth! It's very soft and he just keeps pushing more into his mouth. At first, we just go about eating and watching him from the corner of our eye. happens. Nixon starts to get teary eyed. He starts making that choking almost vomit face. Mac grabs a napkin and Nixon starts coughing. He keeps coughing and before anyone can really do anything, you just know this is going to be BAD!!! He coughs up a few pieces of pancake and then juice, chocolate milk and bacon its all come flowing like a dam broke! It's on Nixon's shorts, his chair and a little on his shirt. For the most part, Mac was right there with a napkin to limit the damage. I bust out the wipes and Mac and I break into full on damage control: calm Nixon, clean Nixon, clean the chair,  and assure the server that Nixon is okay. Nixon even insisted on "I clean up" himself. The server brought Nixon some water and took the bacon back to be cooked a little more (at my request). Mac went out the car and grabbed the swim trunks that I happened to have left (read lazily kept forgetting to take into the house...but we'll go with my mommy intuition knew I was going to need them and WANTED to keep them in the car!) out there so Nixon could at least have clean shorts on. While Mac took Nixon to change, I finished cleaning the chair and the server removed all the vomit covered wipes and napkins. 

No harm no foul, right?

Well, not according to the guy sitting behind us. He, apparently, found it disgusting that I could clean vomit and go back to eating my meal without missing a beat. He voiced to HIS server, that he lost his appetite just hearing the sound of a child vomiting! Well fucktard, I'm sorry that YOU have a weaker stomach than I do, but I pushed that vomiting child out of my vagina so I'm much stronger than you are...neener, neener, neener! I fucking win! Secondly, because you were sitting behind ME, I was blocking you're view, so while you HEARD it I got to see it...and it was pretty goddamned spectacular as bacon induced vomits go! But, I'll be honest, if I stopped eating everytime my son did something that SOUNDED gross, I'd never eat. Nevermind when he actually does something gross. It's not like, Captain Sens-A-Ears, my kid was sick, he simply started eating too much bacon (because he LOVES bacon...and really who doesn't love bacon?!?!?) and when he tried swallowing it thinking he'd chewed it enough, he hadn't and his body used the only way it knows how, to let him know it wasn't ready to take it all in. It's called a gag reflex. Sometimes it makes you vomit. 

Anywho....the fucktard behind us got up to leave, and shot my son, the love of my life, a disgusted look as he walked by. I saw it and maybe I'm sensitive or imagining it, but for the sake of MY blog, we'll say I'm not....I wanted to cuntpunch his dumbass. Just wait till you get some stupid whore pregnant and she tricks you into marrying her. So one day when you're out eating with your new bitch wife and your demon spawn, who does the same thing one day, maybe then you'll look back on today and you'll understand how I could continue eating after cleaning up vomit. Of course, you might also be the type of guy who already has a few kids but just leaves them for their moms to raise and sends a check every couple months, calls once a week and still has the nerve to say "I'm a dad", when in reality you're really just a walking sperm bank with ATM capabilities. Either way, save your dirty looks for someone who didn't just deal with a bacon induced vomiting child. 

Now if you'll excuse me, my coffee's getting cold Asshole!

Damn I wish I payed more attention in Geography Class

So, this is going to show just how lame I really am. But it's also going to show how deeply grateful and touched I am that so many people read, and I hope, enjoy my blog.

My newest obsession is the stats of my blog. I check those multiple times during the day. I get giddy when I see the number creeping over 10, ease past 20 and you don't even want to know what happens if I happen to have a post that sees 30-40 hits in one day. It's embarrassing. No, it's funny but not something I'm ready to make public yet. 

I pulled up my stats for this month. I'm a little amazed with how many people look at my blog and where you all are from! July's stats look like this:
United States 295/Japan 61/Canada 22/Malaysia 9/Australia 2/Germany 2/Austria 1/Azerbaijan 1/Bahamas 1/France 1/South Korea 1

First, thank you to everyone who has read anything I've ever written on this blog. 
Second, how fucking cool is it that I have a reader in a country I couldn't even identify on a map?!?!? Nevermind find on a map, I can't ever pronounce it...which is not to say I don't appreciate the person who's read my blog from there, it's more to say America's school systems seriously fail their students. Azerbaijan according to Mac is south of  Russia and north of Iran.
Third, yet more proof I was never very good at geography...I thought Austria had broken up as a country. Sorry about that y'all. I mentioned that to Mac and I asked him "Are you sure?" when he told me I was wrong. 

The point of all this wasn't just to advertise my very obvious lacking in the geographical department, though it's a pretty huge shortcoming. The point is to say Thanks for Reading!! Can't wait to entertain you some more!


Thursday, July 21, 2011

Why I'm jealous of my cat & Our house is trying to kill all electronics in it! are some very lucky, lucky readers today!! First I gave you a ranty, cuss-free blog this morning addressing the less than military friendly practices of HP. Now, tonight I'm giving you a twofer...that's right a two-in-one blog tonight only!

Why I'm jealous of my Cat!!

(you'll need Amber's history of how she came to be a member of our family for this to make sense, so I'll keep it as short as possible) 
Amber was originally named Bella and was once a stray with a litter of kittens. She was taken to a shelter, spayed, put up for adoption at the same time as her kittens and watched her kittens leave before she did. My sister went to that shelter, saw Bella, adopted her and took her home. Sadly, Bella was not a fan of infants and my sister had my niece to think of. Snotface (my sister) called me and asked if I could take Bella, instead of her having to return her to the shelter and say she's not good with children (Mac and I didn't have Nixon at this point). Mac and I discussed it, I made the 8 hour drive home, picked her up brought her back to Virginia and eventually we renamed her Amber (because I can't stand the name Bella...sorry, but it's just not a name anything in my house/family will ever be damned by).

Now the reasons why I'm jealous of Amber. Amber was spayed after having one litter of kittens, which she barely had to raise. Hell she never had to go through a toddler phase with her kittens! Lucky cat! Not only that, but being a cat, it would've been totally okay if she ATE one of her kittens!! She could've walked away and not taken care of any of them and we "caring" humans would've done all the hard work for her!! I mean, c'mon how fucking awesome is that?!?? Plus, cats don't pay for college, or diapers, or food. And cats don't have to potty train or deal with screeching, indepandant toddlers.
Yeah, I'm really jealous of Amber some days. 

Our house is slowly murdering all our electronics!!
We've had a rash of recent electronic deaths and near deaths this week. First we had Nixon, popping off the keys from Mac's laptop. Then we had the watery death of Mac's laptop (and the rebirth of the Zombie Laptop!! complete with missing parts). Next came the close call of my coffee maker in the Flood of the was saved (thank you Coffee Gods!!). I started to realize, some houses are cursed with ghosts and spirits, ours seems to have bad electronic mojo!
My worse fears were confirmed when tonight, in a brief moment of a flash blackout, my netbook's charger was fried! Yes, I am stupid enough to NOT have it plugged into a surge protector. So, I call Mac, trying to remain calm because I just purchased a 9 cell battery for my netbook yesterday!! While I called him, Nixon stood beside me saying "Momma, what is wrong? Are you okay, Momma? Momma, what happened?" Probably because I wasn't yelling at him and he didn't cause the broken shit, he felt like he did something wrong haha
After about 20 minutes, I tried to plug in my charger again....and it was working again.
So why wouldn't the power flicker again....within a minute of me plugging the fucking thing back in and charging my netbook again?!?!? (The reason for the new battery?? My old one holds a charge for less than an hour now...a freaking hour!! Yeah....I killed it, I realize that now.)  So, of course, I think my charger got fried...again! I unplugged it, let it cool off, and tried not to freak out. Mac had already said we'd go and try to buy a new charger tomorrow for me. So, if it's dead, it's dead. But damn this house for trying to force me back into the stone age without my permission!!! I know where to find the Amish, I could go there if I wanted too, but I like running water and gas powered vehicles, computers, iPods and Internet too damned much to just live that way. PLUS....I like setting the preset timer on my coffee marker so that it's ready for me when I wake up in the morning. I also like the tv in the bedroom, that helps me eek out an extra 30-45 minutes of sleep in the morning (thanks to dvds and Nixon's ever changing taste in shows). I like microwaves (dear house....don't even think about that one, you've been warned!). And I like air conditioning and heat, depending on the time of year. Plus, my hair straightener.....I love the time I live in and I will not go quietly backwards. Yes, I'm refusing to accept another lifestyle...because I quite like mine just fine.
Fuck you house I will NOT yield!!!!  

My charger is still working, at this time.  

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Hewlett-Packard.....the Delta of the computer world??

Have I caught your attention now?? Can  I borrow it for a few minutes, I've got a bit of a rant about HP and it's not very pretty.

Mac has been "shopping" for a new computer for a few months now, but until recently wasn't in a buying state of mind. That all changed earlier this week. So, after a couple people he knew recommended HP because of their "stellar" military discounts Mac built, paid for (hit a road block regarding the shipping apparently they don't ship to APO/FPO addresses...strike 1 HP), resolved this by paying $20 and using a service that gives a stateside address then forwards the item to your APO/FPO address, and received a confirmation email that his order was being processed. Mac was happy to be done with the stress of shopping for a new laptop.

Until he checked his email and saw this message from HP:
"Order Canceled- Please Call"

Mac came home from work this morning and called HP, to find out what the issue was and why they'd canceled the order. Was there a problem with the APO/FPO shipping company he was using to get to computer sent here? Was there something wrong with the components of the computer he'd built? Was the military discount code somehow invalid now? What was the issue? (knowing my husband, this drove him nuts all night at work...this not knowing why and having to wait to get an answer)

He called, and was put on hold for over 15 minutes. He was directed to the Corporate Headquarters and he got an apology for the inconvenience of a canceled order. He was asked for his location, so that "I may direct you to several HP stores nearby so that we may assist you in person better" ('s a hint, lady, check your records and look at the billing info to see where the address is before offering this HOT PIECE OF HELP next time.....). Mac responded "I'm stationed overseas in Okinawa, Japan so you're suggesting I wait another year before getting a new computer from you??" She said "We'd be happy to assist you when you return to the states."

Here's the best part. The entire reason for the cancellation of Mac's order?? Are you sitting down? This came directly from HP's headquarters. 


Yep, that's right. They did not give a reason for the canceled order. Not one single excuse. Not even some lame, half-assed excuse that you know is a lie, but at least they're making the attempt to lie to you, so you feel like that they care enough to lie to me so they must care a little bit about my business, so it's kind of okay? No, HP made no attempt at any of that. Instead they've still got a hold on my husband's bank card, for the amount of the computer ($379.00) for the next few days, even though they canceled the order, because, of course!, they processed his credit card info before canceling the order, so that's not why the order was canceled either. (The funds should be released in a few days, Mac's bank is very good about that. If it's not he'll call and get it taken care of, we're not too worried about it as far as that goes...after all he has the email that says "Order Canceled- Please Call" from HP).

The thing that really boils my blood is: why say "Please Call" if you have no intentions of explaining WHY the order was canceled? No explanation was given. NO resolution reached. Mac doesn't have a laptop coming his way from HP. But HP can still tote themselves as military friendly. Apparently, they're only military friendly if you're right their in their face, in uniform, in a store, setting their representatives minds at ease that you in fact truly do serve in the military.
And you know what, I'd even have understood (and I know Mac would have too), if he'd been told they wanted to verify his military service somehow, before processing the order. But no, they canceled it, wasted his time by having him call them and never gave him an explanation. 

Hewlett-Packard......My husband is still waiting for a legitimate reason for your cancellation of his order.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

"she's aged a lot" and shit that doesn't belong in the toilet....

The saga of broken shit continues...

Mac let his laptop sit in a pan of rice for 24 hours. He then spent over an hour replacing the keys on the keyboard before booting the laptop up. At first, it wasn't looking good. The lights all came on, but nothing else seemed to happen. He left it alone for about half an hour, when all of a started booting up!! Holy shit the rice trick fucking worked!! Except...he then had the hardest time (and I totally expected the laptop to go flying at the wall and shatter into a thousand pieces, because that would've been really cool to see and also would have been one hell of a way to go and end the life of the Zombie laptop....It's ALIVE!!) entering his password because some of the keys were sticking or stuck, making it hard to type. That seems to have finally worked itself out, for now, but a new laptop (.....*sigh* it was supposed to be a netbook originally, but somehow morphed into a notebook last night when the actual purchase was being made. THAT was not a pretty argument, however I am quite proud of myself for not bringing up my ruined/ forgotten birthday request as an example of how I never get what I ask for and how Mac always gets exactly what he wants.....well until he reads the blog!)

So the Zombie laptop, returned from it's water-drenched grave will be with us until the new NOTE(not net)book arrives, in the next couple of weeks. 

And Nixon's trail of destruction and terror continues.

Yesterday, I made a skype phone call to my grandparents, during which Nixon quietly played in another room. (Danger! Danger! Danger!!) Before I get to the danger, I have to share this awesome conversation with my grandparents about their 54th wedding anniversary:
grandma: blah, blah, blah...very subtle "do you know what the 20th of this month is?"
me: "I don't know...I'm going to guess, I'm sure someone has a birthday that day...I mean someone in the world had to have been born on that day, right?"
grandma: "Well, yes, your uncle tim was born that day...but that's not what I meant."
me: "Well, I wasn't totally wrong now was I?"
grandpa: "Marsha, this will go quicker if you just tell her." (I always love when he drops the Marsha bomb on her ass!!)
grandma: "It's our anniversary. Our 54th anniversary"
me: "Holy crap! You've been waking up and looking at the same face across from your coffee cup every morning for 54 years?!?!? What is that like?"
grandpa: "Well not the same face. She's aged a lot in 54 years!"
grandma: "That is not true"
me: "Do you ever pretend she's someone else just to switch it up?" (sadly neither of them answer my serious inquiry here....)
grandpa: "My sister's been married for 69 years last month."
me: "Well that's kind of a magical number I'll never reach....
grandma: "I don't get it"
me: "...because I got married much later in life than you guys did. But wow! 54 and 69 years. Shit...opps shoot! I was happy just to make it to 3 years this year! Now I'm not feeling so accomplished, thanks gram"
grandpa: "Beck, we all had to get to 3 years before we could see 54 years."

Every now and then, my grandpa says some really deep things! I also love that he said she aged a lot!!  My grandpa is an awesome guy!!

Now back to my story...
While that awesome conversation was going on, Nixon was playing quietly. He was playing car wash. He was washing his matchbox cars. He was washing his cars, in the toilet, and rinsing them in my bathroom sink!! And he was being super quiet about it too! My bathroom looked like a flood zone. Nixon got tossed into the bathtub (after I filled it with water, of course!). The cars were given a bleach bath in the kitchen sink. And I....learned anytime a toddler is quiet AND out of your sight, he's getting into trouble or sleeping! 
Nixon was NOT sleeping.

While writing this blog, Nixon flooded the kitchen...with Nursery Water. Seriously...fuck my life!!!  Is it too late to rethink this whole parenting gig?? Or maybe I should just not be writing blogs while Nixon's awake?? Nah...what fun would that be right?? I mean that's seriously just taking the easy way out!

Here's to another flooded room in the house. 


Another clean floor. 
See...cup half full kind of day! Of course it's a bullshit way of looking at it, but it's keeping me from looking for that donation box......

Sunday, July 17, 2011

It's Monday so why wouldn't the world end today??

Haha....So, remember this post  from just yesterday, when I thought I was getting divorced? Yeah that was funny wasn't it? Turns out I was actually predicting the future just a bit too. 

Mac let me sleep in this morning and he got up with Nixon. I love when he does this. (He got cut loose from work early last night, so not only did we get to see each other for a bit, for the first time all weekend, but I knew Mac was home when I fell asleep last night.) It was nice. Until he work me up like this:

Mac: It's 9:30 babe.
Me: (some kind of noise that is totally unintelligible)
Mac: Nixon spilled water on my computer and it won't turn on
Me: Are you serious??
Mac: Yeah (and he left the room)
Me: shit, well I'm awake now

So the story is, Mac left his water bottle next to his laptop while he was fixing Nixon's breakfast. Nixon managed to pull off a couple keys and then spill the water (because the top wasn't securely not totally Nixon's fault). He was so quiet when it happened Mac hadn't even noticed what happened, he thought the powercord came loose at first. Nixon even tried to clean up the mess with wipes, before Mac gave him breakfast. 

The laptop is in a big pan of rice, but it's not looking good. We'll see, but it might really be time for that new laptop. 

And Mac's desk is now an automatic trip to Time Out for Nixon. There's no other option. Also, I'm pretty sure Mac's not allowed to have liquids on that desk anymore either, since this was also partly his fault.

The "best" part??? This all happened while I was sleeping, so this is in no way, shape or form my fault at all!!! It's a wonderful feeling :) I mean I'm heartbroken that Mac's laptop took a bath and all....but wasn't me!

broken shite + facebook will eventually lead to Star Wars...true story!

Before I get to the awesomeness that is the title, let me say my marriage is saved!!! Mac found the V key! Turns out, it had slid under the space bar. And, he claims, he wouldn't have divorced me over a missing key in the first place, since the button still worked it was just missing. Had it not worked it would've been taken into consideration. Apparently. 

On with the story!

To spread the word about my blogs, I post the most recent ones in a link on my facebook page. Today's was no exception. Sometimes it gets a couple "like", maybe a comment or two, sometimes nothing. It is what it is. This morning's blog was commenting genius from my friends and I felt the need to share because I know not all my blog readers are on my facebook friends list. So I'm going to copy and paste the comments, remove the names and the do something creative with colors so you, my entertained readers, can see and identify the commentators somehow other than names. Because trust me, this is pretty common stuff with my friends and you don't want to miss it! And, best of all, it all goes hand-in-hand with the previous blog! Its the circle of life of a blog!
So here it is...Enjoy the mindless and yet deeply potentially offensive thought processes of my friends and myself!

(1)omg- thanks to Owen my laptop is missing two keys, the "up" and "down" keys, which makes it difficult to scroll web pages because those keys are so convenient. Said laptop would be missing more if it wasn't for my scary growl.... well more like I check on him every two minutes if he's not within eyesight. Us women got the screwy end of the deal here! ;) 
(2)quick, Rea, get some black electrical tape and white out...make a new 'V' key and see how long it take him to notice. hehe
Rea Wilcox-Ball Good idea 2! But I think he'd notice a lot faster than you'd think, his laptop has arabic letters on the keys too! lol
(3)Mac will give you shit over it but that's what Mac does. I can't see him being upset enough to divorce you over it. If you had fucked up some of his Star Wars stuff, however... It was nice knowing you cause that shit is punishable by death and it says so in the Constitution.
 Rea Wilcox-Ball haha 3, his Star Wars stuff has been relocated and safely removed from Nixon's reach by myself on several occasions as he's gotten older. I know my role in that aspect.
And to be fair...I was the one whose mp3 player got a coffee bath courtsey of Nixon, so a missing key seems petty in comparison.
(4)I'm still stuck on how he will get a new laptop, because a letter is missing...As a guy, 1 or 2 shits a day is sufficient for me unless something is wrong with my stomach (illness, food poisoning, etc.), nose picking/farting/etc. should only be done in private whenever possible (Manners 101), 4 shits a day and extremely odorous gas makes me wonder what he's eating or what is physically wrong with him and is it a serious illness?, Star Wars are just bad movies (writing, plot, acting (except for Harrison Ford and Chewbacca)). As for the parenting stuff, not there and not a parent.
 Rea Wilcox-Ball haha...4 his laptop's old and he's been pricing new ones for a while. This might be the final push to get him the new one. We're working on the nose picking at home only. Mac eats lots of spicy foods and puts spice on everything.
Chewbacca carried that entire series! :)
(3)Hey now. Star Wars is like the Bible on film. You don't speak ill of the Word. It's just bad luck. And, yeah, Mac's shitting habits are a thing of legend and going more than once or twice in a day is not normal. At least, as far as I've seen. I don't go that often and I have a medical condition that does weird shit to my stomach and intestines.
(5)Effing awesome! We should run off and live happily ever after with Beyonce and leave Mac and Cam to live out their days fighting over the toilet...
(4)Ur right 3..Star Wars is like the bible...full of outrageous stories and inconsistencies...Not to mention incest...Star Wars is horrible, all 6 of them
(3)*sigh* Perhaps comparing Star Wars to the Bible wasn't a good comparison. I actually LIKE Star Wars and I'm pretty sure no one's been killed over it... 
Rea Wilcox-Ball Star Wars and the Bible are both epic works of fiction that have led to millions of stupid discussions about the pointless justification of almost any topic known to man in relation to Star Wars and/or the Bible. AND both Star Wars and the Bible have a figure that came back from death (or close to death Anikan I'm looking at you) to be followed by and defended by thousands of people and it doesn't always end well for said followers. 
Rea Wilcox-Ball And how in the hell did a blog about broken shit spin off into a rant about Star Wars vs the Bible in epic works of fiction?!?!?
(5)Cuz that's what blogs do! Too bad Mac didn't win Peter's laptop giveaway...I could've saved your marriage.
(3)Because, Rea, in the end, it always comes back to Star Wars.

Moral of the story....there isn't one. But my geeky atheist husband isn't ready to get rid of me yet, his computer is fixed, I have a lesbian offer on the table (yeah baby!!) and I probably offended or helped to offended Christians and Star Wars fans alike, all in one afternoon....on facebook...with the help of some friends. All because Nixon managed to pull a few keys off Mac's laptop.
Parenthood, it is so not what I signed up for.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Even Wonder Woman dropped the ball sometimes, right?!?!?

Someday, when Nixon comes to me and asks me why his daddy and I aren't married anymore, I'll tell him the truth....Mommy couldn't do everything at once and Daddy's shit got broken in the process, and we called it a day. See I take the blame, the truth is told and it's not Nixon's fault. 

That day is today, by the way. Not our divorce, but the day Mac's shit got broken when I couldn't do it all. I'm not a goddamned spider, I only have 2 eyes and they happen to be located on the front of my head! Damned evolution has not caught up with parenting toddlers obviously!

I had to unload the dishwasher, reload it with pots and pans so I could make Mac's dinner to send to work with him. We have a storm in the area and it may or may not affect us enough to keep Mac at work longer than his scheduled shift, so better to be safe than starving! Nixon was supposed to be on the sofa watching "mater", I came out to check on him and once walked by Mac's computer. 

And had a "this is the end of my marriage moment". It was missing 4 keys!! I found 3, but I can not find the V. The fucking V is gone!!! I've looked everywhere, Nixon's room, bathroom, kitchen, garbages, cat litter....can not find it. So, I guess, Mac will (a) be getting the new computer he's been eyeing and (b) get all bragging rights to mastering the parenting skills since this happened to HIS shit on MY watch. my defense, this would never happen during Mac's watch for a few reasons.
#1. Mac is never NOT in front of his computer
#2. Mac never does anything that requires him to leave the room for a lengthy period of time without me watching Nixon, this includes his 4 daily shits! Yes, count them 4 shits, and he gets to do them in peace. Me? NO, my bathroom is command central as far as Nixon's concerned and since he's potty training he has to "monkey see, monkey do" somewhere, right? So while Mac gets to relax when vacating the hostages, I get to entertain a toddler who likes to get up close and personal during the cleaning phase of that process....yeah, it's, umm, interesting I suppose. 
#3. Mac does not cook, so Mac does not realize that I can not always do it while Nixon is sleeping and have it done in time for Mac to take to work. 
#4. Mac is not Wonder Woman....he doesn't have the breast for the costume. Frankly, neither do I, but I can fake it!
#5. I am home with Nixon all day and I have to leave the room and do other stuff or I'll lose my ever loving mind at some point, Mac has that point as well, but usually I'm around so he never reaches it. 
#6. I had a point here but I lost it somewhere around Mac's 4 daily shits.... seriously, is it all men or did I just marry a really regular one?!?! By the way, this is the same man who has no problem discussing his farts but is trying to discourage our son from picking his nose. Like one is worse than the other?!?!? I have no idea if that's true (farts are worse than picking your nose or vice versa) but I will say, boogers don't make me turn green and almost puke with no warning. But a small breeze in my direction followed by a glance at my husband, with that silly guilty look on his face and him saying "What??? Did you fart??" can have that effect on me.

Okay so the moral of the story is....because I try to do everything and epically failed, Mac now is the proud (well not so proud when he wakes up and sees what happened) owner of a laptop missing the V-key and someday when we get divorced our reason for ending the marriage will be: "Wife is not Wonder Woman"   or "Bitch done lied to me and my shit be ruined!" You'll see us on Divorce Court or in Judge Judy's court room.
The good news is, I found and replaced the Z,X & C keys, honey!  

The bad news is, you don't love me anymore. It's more like you "lo e" me now. And you might not even do that haha

Irony: I write about PMM and then Nixon gets compared to a pet and I cancel my magazine subscription

As a mother of an only child, I turn my cheek to a lot of ignorant and occasionally well meaning comments, about siblings. The link above is fully ignorant and not at all helpful towards any only child. Sure, the author only dignifies only children with a single paragraph, but there was one sentence that ignited a fury in me I still haven't fully put out. 
"Only children are a little like pets, cosseted and lavished with undivided focus."

Now I have heard a lot of insanely stupid children vs. pet comparisons before, but really Nixon is nothing like a spoiled tea cup poodle or whatever the crap those ankle biters are called. Nixon has the comprehension skills to know what "no" means and he actually hears it frequently, despite his poor lonely status as an only child. I mean, it's not like we keep him locked in the basement and never take him out in public. He does go to stores, the zoo, OMG...we even took him to the movie theater AND he had to wait for the previews to end before he could watch the movie!! The horror of it all!! A dog, cat, rabbit, rat, snake or any other pet really doesn't have that comprehension. I don't compare children to my cats. Well, I compare Nixon to our cats, but that's because Nixon doesn't sleep on my pillow and kick me in the head (Amber, I'm looking at you), or try to stretch out so far and take up so much of the bed I'm forced to move onto Mac's side of the bed and give her my side of the bed (Arwen, I'm looking at you). Nixon also doesn't mew while he's trying to curl up onto my ass in the middle of the night (Arwen) or fight/eat my hair when I'm trying to do push ups or crunches on the living room floor (Amber). Finally, Nixon doesn't think attempted murder is an option when he's hungry (Amber, tripping me is not cool...ever).

The result of this article was more than just my anger and disgust. I actually subscribe to Parenting magazine, which printed this article. This is not the first article they've published that has the usual pro-sibling drivel but this has become the last one I'm going to pay to read. I emailed the magazine and asked that they cancel my subscription and explained exactly why I was canceling the subscription. I received a reply within 24 hours, explaining my subscription is good until August 2015 and how I could cancel it. Not one single regretful word in the entire email. Yeah, I made the right choice. It's canceled and I feel good defending my family, my son and only child in general.  

By the way, on the whole, I don't know too many parents who find it acceptable to compare a pet to a child. I know people who do it with the best of intentions but it's just not the same. I love Arwen to death, and honestly  in our wedding vows I told Mac "I love you more than anything...except Arwen. She was here first." And I was not joking. Nixon and Arwen are tied for 1st place in my heart, when Nixon goes to bed Arwen gets to snuggle with me. I rank people who give me advice on how to handle Nixon with tips that work with their pets the same as I rank people who give me advice on how to handle Nixon and they have no children.'s not real high. I'll just leave it there. 
Kids are not pets.
Kids are not pets. 

 Only child or not, there is never a child who is a pet. Except maybe Jacob and the rest of the wolf pack from the Twilight series. Well, when they're in wolf form. But they'd be big ass pets. And I am not cleaning up after an accident one of them has, so they'd better be housebroken!

Arwen- my cat and an actual pet, but don't tell her, I'm pretty sure she's convinced she's really human and royalty at that! But she's a pet none-the-less. She just happens to have some serious travel miles logged over the years!

Jacob Black- the only possible child/pet hybid. Although less my child and more eye candy and drool worthy yumminess. As long as he's housebroken otherwise...there's the door, Eye Candy.
Nixon- my child, who while occasionally acts like an animal is NOT an animal and should never be compared to one!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Owning the Parenthood Walk of Shame!

Note to self: anything that requires taking Nixon into public while pushing his naptime back a a BAD idea. In fact, tying your own tubes at home with butter knives and tooth picks would be a better idea than taking Nixon out in an effort to push back his naptime. Calling your ex and telling him he's still sexy and all you ever think about....well c'mon now that will get you put into the looney bin, let's be honest. To say that, I'd have to be delusional!!

Get to the point, Rea.....

Since Mac is on midnights, he sleeps before going to work, and I try to get Nixon out of the house for at least an hour, giving him a bit of total silent sleep. Yesterday I decided I wanted to check mail (a good 25-30 minute round trip drive) and grab a box of bleach for my hair since I needed to get rid of the scary roots that were poking through again. Now, I did make one fatal error in judgment when leaving the house. I left without a diaper and wipes.

We checked mail, no issue other than Nixon running up and down the wheelchair ramp three times, giggling the entire time.

Off to the store we went. Nixon decided to take the stairs up to the second floor, so up we went. We grabbed the bleach for my hair and then I let Nixon wander around for a few minutes. (BAD idea...very bad idea!) I smelled something.
"Nixon, did you poop?"
Nixon: "no poop, momma" as he darts off to the toy cars aisle
We wander around that aisle just looking, Nixon never asked for a toy once, just pointed at the different cars/trucks/airplanes and trains. Finally, I realize he DID poop and I DON'T have any diapers or wipes with me so we have to go home now!

This is not going to end well.

I start gently leading him out of the toy section, without a fight. Until he realizes we're leaving and he tries to run back to the toy section! I hold his hand and we stand in one place for a few seconds while I explain we have to go home now.
Have you ever heard a banshee scream?? That high-pitched, ear bleeding tone that goes on forever?? Yeah, apparently Nixon is part Banshee because he's got that noise down pat! He throws himself on the ground and refuses to move. SO I pick him up. And continue walking to the register. There's one open, with a cashier I see frequently who's always friendly with Nixon. SCORE! I beeline for it, carrying a bucking bronco child, formerly known as Nixon, to pay for my one item, when I realize...I have to put Nixon down to dig my wallet out of my enormous purse! Thankfully, still no one else in line behind us. I smile, put Nixon on the ground and grab my id and wallet.

Of course, as I'm swiping my card and almost in the clear, Nixon tries to make a dash for it just as someone gets in line behind us. I grab his arm and lift him up popping him onto my hip without a thought. And the screaming begins again. The cashier, familiar with us, smiles kindly and says "Bad day?"
I shrug and do my best to act like I don't want to drop Nixon off in the nearest donation box, and say "Eh, who knows, he's 2". As he continues to scream and the woman in line behind me is shaking her head. I'm pretty sure my ears were bleeding as I walked away and went downstairs.

It used to be the walk of shame was the morning after a one night stand, going home in the same clothes you left in the night before. Now? As a parent? The walk of shame is leaving any public place with a screaming child and getting the dirty hairy eyeball looks from strangers who you've never seen before but you know think you are the WORST mother in the world at that very moment in time.
There are a couple ways you can deal with the Parenthood Walk of Shame.
*1- hang your head, with your face bright red and utter an apology to anyone around you for your child being a child
*2- OWN that walk of shame.

I do number 2. It makes people much more uncomfortable when they realize you are already aware of the fact you know your child is causing a scene and you are the reason for it. Here's what I did yesterday.
As we were leaving, and people were staring at my screaming child and a part of me wanted to tell Nixon to "shut the fuck up" I fell back on my humor. While holding my screaming banshee son, instead of apologizing to strangers I'd never seen before, I apologized to Nixon...for his mother being the devil and being so mean.
It sounded like this.
Me: "I know buddy. I'm sorry your mom is the devil and is making you leave without getting you a toy. And being the son of the devil means screaming is perfectly acceptable behavior. I get it, but I don't think everyone else around you, listening and staring gets it. Maybe if you scream louder they'll leave us alone."

Yeah, I got a lot of head shakes and eyerolls from people. You know what else? I got the satisfaction of knowing those self-righteous shits were listening to me speaking softly to my son, because I never raised my voice to Nixon, I spoke closely into his ear so he could hear me, over his own screaming. Someone muttered something about "nice parenting", I thanked them.

It's all about owning something. Toddlers, preschoolers, kids in general...they all have bad days. They'll thrown temper tantrums. I should've left and said "the hell with" what I was buying. But I didn't. So I had to deal with the fallout of it all. Thankfully, he's only one kid throwing one tantrum, albeit a very loud and impressive one!

On a separate note, it seems Nixon is getting ready to potty train and we'll be doing it naked and standing up.
It began with his refusal to wear a diaper or undies. Then he started standing in front of the toilet. So far in 3 days: he's spent over 4 hours naked, an hour in 2 pairs of undies, had 5 accidents, cleaned up 2 of the accidents and flushed the toilet no fewer than 15 times in 10 minutes!
His last accident last night, before bed, he came over to me "Momma I nakid!!", he had been wearing underwear prior to this moment. Then I heard "I clean it, I clean it!" I rush over to see what he's cleaning and it's a small puddle right next to the toilet! AWESOME!! No seriously, that's the closet he's been yet!. So we clean it together, he flushes the toilet "bye bye pee" and it's jammie time.

Now if only he would stop pulling on his penis! I swear he's trying to pull it OFF his body!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Pardon me but you mistakenly replaced my baby with this grown-ass child and I'd like my baby back!

A few weeks ago, Mac and I discussed what to do with Nixon's hair. It was growing long again and it turns out, he's got some thick and curly hair (like mine) which does not handle the humidity of the island very well. His whole head sweats, pretty much within minutes of being outside. His hair starts to curl in the back and the summer was only beginning to get hot. I had wanted to let it grow out. But, once again, I agreed to let Mac make a parenting call when he suggested we take Nixon for a REAL haircut this week. I knew it was in Nixon's best interest, because going from hot outside to cool inside with wet hair was only begging for him to get sick at some point...but I hated how freaking upset he got last time we took him to get his haircut.

So, yesterday during his nap, I snuck out and hit the store. I bought: 2 brand new Cars 2 shirts for him (1 that he'd get to choose and wear to his haircut in the morning), 3 new toy cars and a bag of candy he'd never had before but that I deemed safe enough for him to have. The toys and candy got put into his new backpack (which he likes) and the shirts hidden until this morning. Now, to some it sounds like I spoil Nixon, but after his meltdown last time we got his hair cut at the barber shop and how much LOUDER he's gotten in the months since, I prefer to think of it as well-prepared.

This morning Mac came home from work (he had a quick trip in for awards and the usual bullshit waste of an hour plus drive time), we all got ready and off we went. Nixon was excited to see his new tee shirts and got dressed with little fight. A couple pieces of candy got Nixon into the barber shop and the new cars kept him occupied while we waited for a chair to open for him. (Well, we did have one time out in the hallway because he got loud and wouldn't calm down, but it wasn't too bad and it was only once).

Nixon sat on my lap, with his new truck in his hand and accepted pieces of candy from Mac occasionally while getting his haircut. He didn't cry, or squirm (too much), or yell. He sat quietly and played with his truck and watched in the mirror as his hair was cut. He watched it pile up on the smock around him and on the floor at his feet. He was amazing! I'd ask him "You okay Nix?" and he'd reply "yeah I okay".

Then I looked in the mirror.

I saw me and I saw a child that might have been Nixon on my lap, except he looked much older than Nixon. My baby was gone. In his place was a grown child.

Nixon was done. He said "arigato" and gave the woman who cut his hair a tip. She squeezed my arm and said "okay momma?". I said "sure" and smiled. It wasn't until we were walking down the area outside of the barber shop, Mac next to me Nixon happily taking off a little ahead of us, that I felt the tears welling up! He looked too old! Too grown up! Too....not my baby anymore.

Nixon reminded me of someone, with his new short haircut, but I couldn't place it. Not until we got home and I was playing with the pictures I'd taken for this blog. He looks very similar to my nephew Adam, the last time I saw him. Adam was 4.5 when I saw him last and his hair was cut like Nixon's is now. There's a very strong family resemblance between the two, I can see it now. It made me miss Adam (who's with his father out of state, not deceased, just to clear any confusion up), but it also made me see Nixon as a little kid and not just my baby.

And now....... the pictures!!

Mac asked Nixon where his hair was, during a diaper change. Nixon's response?? "Hair gone". That it is, my friend, that it is.