Wednesday, August 20, 2014

There's a chance I'm doing severe mental damage to him with my sarcasm

     I've been working a lot lately. Partly because I like the overtime, partly because two of my four co-workers returned to college and now we're down to three people for 16 8-hour shifts a week. The math isn't pretty, but it's all kind of off the real issue at hand: My sarcasm is slowly breaking my son's heart!

    I don't know if my readers have noticed this, but I am quite a sarcastic person. Over the weekend, Nixon and Mac had an unfortunate incident in a parking lot during a walk to the store. I wasn't there, but as soon as I came home Nixon tattled on himself for "having a bad day". He tattles on himself a lot, I'm sure most of it is because he doesn't have any siblings and tattling is a deep-rooted, psychological need in all children, even only children.

    The story goes: Nixon and Mac were walking home from the store. It's about a half mile from our apartment so they make this walk a couple times a week when I'm at work. Mac was carrying the bags and Nixon darted into the parking lot without looking first! He wasn't hurt, thankfully no cars were in the area during this. Mac talked to Nixon about it when they got home and all was fine.
    Until I came home and Nixon tattled on himself.

   Our conversation went something like this:
me: You did what?!? Nixon, you can't do that. If someone would have hit you and you got hurt, I'd have to hunt them down and kill them. And I can't go to jail! I'm too pretty for jail, Nixon.
Nixon: *starts crying* I'm sorry, Mommy. Please don't go to jail.
me: (oh shit! I went too far this time....quick, fix it!) Oh honey, stop crying , I'm not really going to go to jail, but I'd be really sad if you got hurt.
Nixon: I know! I'm so sorry!
me: (why is he still crying, I just told him I was kidding!) *kiss his sweet face and wipe his tears* It's okay but you have to be more careful.

     He continues to cry for about 10 minutes. I finally end up going to Mac and admitting I "broke our child". Together the three of us, talk some more.
me: Nixon, Dad and I only have you to love. I mean, yeah we love each other, but it's a different kind of love than the love we give you.
Nixon: Uh huh.
me: If anything happened to you, where would all the love we give you go?
Nixon: Nowhere. It would go nowhere.
me: Exactly! So please don't make us send our love to nowhere. Be more careful, okay? Because, seriously, I can't go to jail. I'm not built for the hard life. And....I don't look good in orange! Have you ever seen me wear orange?
Nixon: No?
me: That's because I know I don't look good in it! And, if I were in jail we'd have to talk on the phone and have this super thick plastic wall between us.
Nixon: No hugs?
me: Nope, no hugs.
But, since you're going to be more careful in roads and parking lots it's not going to be an issue, right?
Nixon: Right!

    He's recovered, but this is only the latest example of my sarcasm sending Nixon into tears. You'd think I'd learn, but no, I keep doing it. It's okay though, because sometimes he responds back with his own sarcastic remark. He'll get there, I only hope he keeps it in check while in school.

Is it possible to be sarcastic without saying a word? His face makes me believe it is!

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

He's 5 and he asked THE question!

    Mac, Nixon and I were in the car, after doing some back-to-school (though in Nixon's case it's more like first-to-school) shopping. I honestly have no idea what prompted him to ask this question, because he's shown zero interest in all things baby in the past, but suddenly from the backseat I hear "Mommy, how are babies made?"
    I turn to Mac and I'm pretty sure the look on my face was one of "Oh shit! You got this? No, fuck, guess I'm up!" not a word was spoken. Dead silence for a couple seconds, then I let the words flow.

   "Baby, it starts with a man and woman. They're naked and alone together. The man has sperm, and a woman has an egg inside her. The man leaves the sperm inside the woman and it joins with the egg, eventually growing into a baby. The baby stays in the woman's belly for 9 months! It takes a long time for the baby to grow. When the baby is ready, it's born, usually comes out of the mommy's vagina. Not always, sometimes the baby is removed in a surgery. You got all that?"
   Nixon says to me "So babies come out of the mommies vagina?" I say yes and Mac tells him "But you don't go around telling everyone you meet that. Not everyone is as open as we are."

   We go to Target and make a Starbucks stop. While I'm waiting for my drink to be re-made (I asked for no whipped cream and it was on there, it was remade), Nixon says to me "Mom, babies come out of the moms vagina, right?" I tell him he is correct, but most people don't like that word "vagina". I could see from the corner of my eye at least 3 people turn when he said that word.

   Look, I'm not going to use cutesy made-up words when the clinical word is a proper word. He asked a question and sure, I could have dodged it, but he deserves to know I'm going to answer his questions. I kept it simple but honest.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Laughing through his tears with me....or at me, it could go either way

   This all started because I went to the bathroom before tucking Nixon into bed. I noticed there was glittery green pieces of something in the trash can in his bathroom. I immediately know what it is and call for Nixon.

"Nixon Mathieu!" which has him scrambling out of his bed to see why I called him. I ask him what the mess is in his garbage can and he immediately says "I'm sorry.", without an explanation. I ask him for the skull that had previously been covered in the green glittery latex paint. He says he took it off because "I wanted to see the bones naked". It's a hard plastic skull, not real bones.

    The problem to all of this is: the skull is mine and NOT Nixon's. He destroyed it without asking first. As I'm explaining this to him, I fall back on my own natural ability to deadpan a sarcastic remark. While asking him how he'd feel if I ruin something of his, he says "sad". I ask him when he did it and it turns out he did it while he was supposed to be napping. (I thought maybe he'd done it when dropping a deuce, because...bored on the toilet). I tell him for a while his naps will be taken in my bedroom with the bedroom door opened (we close his door to keep the cats out of it). He starts crying, telling me "I don't want you to get rid of my bed!"
   He thought I was going to get rid of his bed! While he's still crying, I tell him he misunderstood me and that I would never get rid of hid bed....mostly because it's too big to throw out of his bedroom window! Well, to my little man this was hilarious! The thought of me tossing his bed out of the window had him from tears to laughter in a millisecond! I'm not totally sure he even comprehended that he was laughing as tears were still running down his face.
   We go back to the importance of respecting each other's belongings and Mac mentions "taking the stuffing out of BeBe". Cue the tears again. Before he gets too upset, I stop the tears and probably caused him more emotional upheaval than he knew what to do with. I reassure him that "I would throw your bed out of the window before I'd ever remove BeBe's stuffing." I may have also mentioned flushing Scoot-a-loo down the toilet, but that also caused tears, so I quickly retracted that statement!

   I'm not sure I should be allowed to parent him anymore. I think we're entering the lifelong-emotional-trauma age. 

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Proof my kid really loves me!

     Not often, but occasionally, like most moms I find myself wondering if Nixon is growing up so fast that he's going to stop needing or loving me overnight. Last night, Nixon calmed those nagging fears with a simple conversation.

    A little background before story time though. Last night, after I got home from work, we all headed to the grocery store for a short trip.  Nixon was told to leave his iTouch in the car, and he started pouting and fake crying. He was warned to stop and got out of the car. He was still a little pouty so I offered him a "job". I gave him my car keys to put in his pocket. He was super excited to do it and we entered the store with one happy child!
   After around 10-15 minutes of shopping, I did a key check. I asked him to shake his pocket. He did...nothing. I dropped down and shook his pockets myself....they were both empty! I was about to lose my mind and Nixon says "Look mom, their in a quiet place!" He put them in the cup holder that's a part of the cart. Mac and I both look at each other and say "I just had a heart attack!"

   During dinner, Nixon and I talk about it:
me: Nixon I think I lost 5 years off my life tonight.
Nixon: What's that mean?
me: It means I'm going to die 5 years sooner that I was before we went shopping.
Nixon: NO! You can't die! Mommy, I need you!
me: Oh baby, I'm not really going to die. It's something adults say to be dramatic.
Nixon: I'm just a little boy still and I need my mom!
me: *hugging him* I'm sorry. I didn't mean I'm really going to die. You're going to have me around for a long time still!
Nixon: Good, I like that!

   See? Totally loves me!

I may not do everything right most of the time, but loving this boy and getting his love back....that comes naturally. 

Friday, June 27, 2014

It's been a long much has changed!

   Nixon graduated Pre-K. It was an adorable ceremony, during which Nixon proved he really does dance to the beat of a different drum. It's okay, he does an awesome robot dance! He also blew me kisses from his little area on stage and walked down the aisle waving to people on both sides, even though he had no idea who these people were. I did cry, and we had a lovely day. Mac was on terminal leave from the Navy, so he was there too!

  In other news, Mac retirement ceremony was last week. It was beautiful! I'm not sure I've totally accepted that he's going to be out of the Navy for real yet. But I'm loving having him home all the time. And he and Nixon's relationship is awesome together. We're all learning to deal with the sudden changes in our family dynamic. I'm now working 5 days a week and Mac is home with Nixon. 

   I'm sure there's more going on, but this is the short and sweet version!

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Car ride convo with Nixon

Nixon and I were driving home from our old townhouse to the new apartment. Nixon was a little low key so I started talking to him. Since I started working full-time we're not spending the time together we used too and I miss it.

Today we started talking about animals Nixon saw and that I saw at work.

Then came this:

me- Nixon, do you know is in two weeks from today?
Nixon- No! What is it, Mom?
me- It's my birthday!
Nixon- Oh, I knew that!
me- Do you know how old I'm going to be?
Nixon- Ohhhh.....I just don't know!
me- Okay, well, do you think I'm older than you are?
Nixon- Yeah, because you're my mom!
me- Okay well, if you're 5 how old am I?
Nixon- I know! You're going to be 8 years old!
me- 8?!?! Really, 8? Yeah I can do that!
Nixon- yeah, 8 is a good number for you mom!
me- How old is Daddy?
Nixon- Dad's 9 years old.
me- Works for me!

I love his little-kid logic!

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Sometimes an uncomfortable conversation really isn't that bad

   Nixon and I were in the car last week. We had stopped at a red light, and on the same corner was a Chick-Fil-A. Nixon saw the play tunnels inside the store and says "Look Mom, fun tunnels!"
   I sigh, hard, because I knew one day my personal choices to not ever step foot in a Chick-Fil-A would need to be explained to my young child. That day suddenly became the day.

me: Nixon, I'm sorry, but I will never take you into that store to play in those tunnels.
Nixon: Oh man. But why not?
me: The man that actually owns that store name, has said some things I can't support.
Nixon: Is he mean?
me: No, but he has his beliefs and I have mine.
      You know Miss N and Miss A, and how they are married, right?
Nixon: Uh-huh and they have baby R now!
me: Exactly! They are a family just like you, Daddy and I are. But the man who owns those stores think that Miss A and Miss N are wrong because they are 2 girls who married each other, instead of marrying a man like I did.
Nixon: But they love each other and have a baby! *he was really upset when he said that. I thought he was going to cry*
me: I know they are, baby. And they're happy together. They have the same thing Daddy and I have: love and happiness.
      Because that man feels the way he does and because I don't believe that Miss N and Miss A are wrong for being in love and marrying the person they love, I won't go to those stores. Not even to play in tunnels.

And here is where my kid blows my mind!
Nixon: It's okay, Mommy. I know where there are other tunnels I can play in. We can go there instead.

    And just like that, everything was right in his little world again!