An innocent comment and swallowed tears

Kids birthday parties should be fun. Unless you're the parent of the birthday child, because lets face it, planning/organizing/orchestrating and hostessing is never fun when you're doing it and too busy to enjoy the actual event.

We went to a friend's son's first birthday party today. There were several infants (under 12 months) and a couple older kids (over 4 years old) and Nixon (the lone toddler). Mac went with me but he escaped to a neighbors house, who happens to be his co-worker. Lucky!
Which left me with Nixon, who either wanted to be left alone and watch Cars (because it was on since it was the theme of the party) or, when outside, wanted to play ball with the older kids who really were not into playing with him. SO, there were some rough patches.

But before I get there, lets start with the meltdown at the BX (Base Exchange...it's best described as a mall). Nixon loves cars..big, small and in-between he loves them! There's a book case in the shape of a jeep with a seat and 2 steering wheels. Nixon got angry because the steering wheels are looks only, meaning they don't spin. So I took him back downstairs where he saw a truck he likes to ride, but I had no change on me today so no ride. Which lead to him slapping me and screaming! I tried to get him to calm down and relax but he just got louder. I have bad moments where my judgment is not so good and this was one of them. I almost slapped his mouth, instead I tapped his cheek. Then because he was still screaming, I pinch his thigh a little, which made him wail but he focused on that and let me cuddle away his tears. We sat, in the BX on a display model, gliding outdoor swing while he calmed down. The important thing here, is that I realized I was close to losing it but didn't.
After we left the BX we went to the birthday party, but I was still emotionally raw from dealing with a public meltdown.

Nixon decided, that while everyone else was outside eating and socializing he wanted to watch the movie. After the chasing him because he wanted to play ball with the older boys and listening to him screeching and throw a fit when he couldn't, I was perfectly content to let him. Mac and I were in there with him, not to be anti-social but because we can't leave him alone in the house while we put in an appearance to everyone else. The hostess knew we were in there, so I saw no problem.
Mac and I were eating, Nixon was watching tv...it was peaceful, and those moments are the ones that save me from the edge.
Well, another party goer came in and innocently enough joked about us being anti-social. I laughed it off and said "NO, but he's (Nixon) happy watching the movie and it saves a temper tantrum being in here". She shrugged and went back outside with everyone else. After a couple minutes, I found myself swallowing tears because the comment really bothered me. It shouldn't have, but it did.
The thing is, with a stubborn 2 year old, I can't just sit him down and talk while he is oblivious to everyone around him, like a mother with an infant can do. I also can't just sit down and talk while my older children play out of my sight knowing they're perfectly capable of entertaining themselves. like a mother with the older boys could. NO, with a toddler I have to be present and accounted for which meant no small talk, especially since Mac had deemed the neighbors house a better option and left me with Nixon. Staying inside and letting Nixon do what made him happy was my best option! I tried to brush it off, because the comment had come from someone with no children of her own after all, but it stung because I didn't want the hostess to think we were being anti-social on purpose.

We left after the cake. Everyone ended up back inside because of rain, so we weren't very successful at being anti-social!

Its a struggle to not let small things get to you, when you're brain isn't working right. I cry randomly throughout the day. I have flashes of anger when frustrated. I get overwhelmed when Nixon has a meltdown in public and I'm working on NOT reacting to him when he gets like that. I did see someone about all this, but there's no official word on what's causing all this. Mac tries to be understanding but its hard to tell him what's wrong when I don't even know.
Sometimes I'm just blah.

Sometimes an insensitive comment meant as a joke can send me into tears and ruin an already shitty day.

Who needs blankets when you have a pillow?!?!

I love Nixon. He makes me smile and laugh and grab the camera to capture the random moments of his life.
This blog is for those moments.
Specifically, the moments that find him asleep under his pillow looking totally adorable and innocent.
The Chronicles of Nixon under the pillow!

Can mommy go in Time Out???

Ever have a moment in your life that you flashback to a lifetime ago and have an "oh shit" moment?
I did. And it wasn't good.

My childhood kind of sucked. And by kind of, I mean really did. And by sucked, I mean hardcore. My dad had issues and as a result I have issues. I'm not blaming everything on him, goddess knows I'm my own worst enemy at times, but when it comes to shitty ways to be a parent he may have written the How To guide for me.
My dad would fly off at something and I'd try to hug and kiss it away. It never worked and it usually left me feeling like a failure. I never want my child to feel like a failure for not making things better. It's not his job.
There's a few reasons why, at 25 years old, I was able to pack up leave my hometown, move 5 states away and never regret it. In addition there are reasons why I waited until I was months away from 30 before choosing to be a mother. It wasn't until Mac entered my life that I'd even wanted kids. Why? Because I am terrified of being a shitty parent! I have NO idea how to be a good mom, other than to do the exact OPPOSITE of what my parents did for me.

Today, I failed at that. Really, really failed.
Nixon loves me. I know this. He loves following me, watching me, playing with me, laughing with me and mimicking me. There's very few times I really don't want him near me. When I'm cooking in the kitchen with the stove and oven on, its too dangerous for him to be with me. When I'm trying to fix something and it's not going as planned, its safer to leave me alone. Its that quick Irish temper of mine. Sometimes, Nixon is okay with being near Mac and not wanting me. Other times not so much.
Today it was not so much.
After dinner I needed to change the batteries in Nixon's aquarium. The batteries were so dead it wouldn't even turn on. Well, since we put Nixon in a toddler bed it's been attached to his dresser, in a creative yet safe way. Unfortunately, the safe way decided to break and I had to come up with a way to fix it, since Nixon's still not ready to sleep without it. Annoyed that I had to figure it out (again), I started pitching a fit. Mac came, whisked Nixon away and I started trying to solve the problem. In the middle of trying to fix it, Nixon sneaks back into his bedroom and closes the door. To be with me!
So what did I, mother of the year, do?!? I yelled "OUT!!!" at him!
And Nixon, the love of my life, do?? He cried! Of course he cried, asshole, his mom just yelled at him! Mac rushed in (because he hadn't noticed Nixon slipped out of the living room in the first place) to try to calm him and I....felt like I just had an outer body experience or I switched bodies with my dad! I wanted to hold and kiss Nixon's tears away, but knew at that moment I needed to calm myself down. So I let Mac take Nixon out and I finished the aquarium.
When I was done and Nixon was relaxed again, I grabbed him for a hug and kiss. While he was cuddling me, he put his head over my heart and said "I sowwy momma". He gave me a kiss and just sat in my arms while I swallowed tears. I tried, as best I could, to explain he had nothing to say sorry over because he did nothing wrong. Mommy was angry and just yelled at him which was very wrong. I told him sometimes Mommy has a temper tantrum, like he does, and maybe I needed a time out.

After he went to sleep, and mac went to sleep, I took Nixon out of bed and held him. He was sound asleep. As I held him in my arms, rocking him on my lap while sitting on the floor of his bedroom, I felt the tears well up and fall. I never, never want him to have to apologize because I'm acting like an asshole or like my dad. I know I can be a better mom than that and I know Nixon deserves a better mom than that.

I'll have more less than stellar mommy moments, but I'm trying to learn from them all and not make the same mistake twice. In the meantime....I still feel like a mommy failure.

The problem with a naturally easy-going kid

Be prepared to hate me. Seriously, moms with high-maintenance kids, you might want to stop reading, I'm really going to brag on Nixon for a minute.

I'm blessed. I know it, but I love it all the same. Nixon is, by nature, an easy going, cool-as-a-cucumber (where did that phrase come from by the way??) little guy. He has been from the very beginning of his life outside of my womb. Inside it was a whole different story.

Nixon was a calm, quiet baby. He hardly ever cried without cause. He started sleeping through the night at 7 weeks old. He's always been a stick to the schedule kind of baby/toddler and it only takes a few days, a week at the most, for him to settle into a new schedule. He slept 80% of the 26 hour flight here, and when he was awake he was content eating and getting snuggles from Mac or I. Sure, he was only 4.5 months old at the time, but other children younger and older were less content and more loud for attentions sake. Even when he was teething, he'd cry only out of necessity. As soon as I found a way to calm his raging gums, he was perfectly happy and content again. He took his time learning how to walk, but never got frustrated and pissy. So what if his little friends were walking, Nixon was faster crawling!

But the downside to having a laidback kid by nature is, I'm not equipped to deal with the "terrible twos". Since I've never really been challenged by Nixon, I'm not very cool and collected when faced with a meltdown. It frustrates me that he's pissed off and throwing a fit. We do time outs, and even when he knows he's in time out, he just sits there. He doesn't get down/escape/fight going onto his time out chair. I can think of only a handful of times that he actually attempted to get down before his time out was over. Most of the time he sits in the chair and cries or plays with his feet and waits for one of us to free him. I mean seriously, how lucky am I, right?!?!?

So, now we're in full-blown terrible two zone. And its rough for a mom who's never had to really parent. Yep, raw honesty here, Nixon is so laid back there's not much I've had to do beyond feed, clothe, play with, clean and very rarely, correct his behavior. Until today, I usually lose my shit...I mean mind, within seconds of Nixon starting a fit. Then he's feeding off of my frustration and it gets ugly fast. I know this is not how I'm supposed to deal with him, really I do. But it feels like someone stole my perfect baby boy and replaced him with some demon seed on a mission to make me lose my mind. And it works too!

Now, realizing the flaw in myself and correcting it takes time. I think today was my breakthrough!

I took Nixon to the zoo. It was cool but not cold outside. The zoo had 4 schools of children there, so I took great pains to avoid the really crowded areas. Nixon got to walk around, feed fish and birds, see the animals and have some snacks. We were really having a great day! The end came so fast I'm still reeling from the directional flow change!

We were walking back up towards the entrance. Nixon wanted to take the stairs, so we walked up 4 flights of stairs. When we reached the top, Nixon saw it. The "it" that ultimately became the bane of my existence as a mom. The train. Its a small train that takes riders in a circle twice around a very small track. I had every intention of taking Nixon on the train. I had yen in hand, stroller parked when the train came back. The employee running it shows me a ticket. So I needed to get a ticket, unlike the last time when the employee took the yen for the ride. Well, Nixon was not happy with the change. I tried, pre-meltdown, to tell him we had to walk away to get tickets to ride. Nixon kept walking to the train "open, momma, open" and "I ride". Well, since he couldn't get on because I didn't have the tickets yet, he started to lose his mind. I gave him the chance to calm down and walk with me to get the tickets. He started slamming his sippy cup on the bench. I asked him to stop, he slammed it again looking right at me.
I gave him a hug, pulling him closely so I could whisper in his ear. I told him one more time, he needed to come with me to get tickets to ride OR we were going home. He threw his cup at me. That's it, game over!
I scooped him up, buckled him in the stroller and told him we were going home. This, obviously, did not sit well with my little monster. He bucked, thrashed, screamed and cried the whole walk to the car. He did say "bye bye" and "thank you" to the lady at the gate and the birds we passed on the way out. Polite even when throwing a temper tantrum, I'm a proud momma. He started saying at the car "I wan Dadda", so I called Mac only to have Nixon screaming into the phone "no no no". I put the stroller in the car, the snacks and drinks in the car, I got into the car and we left the zoo. The screaming lasted until he realized we'd really left the zoo! He got quiet and said "byebye aminals". He hugged BeBe, drank his sippy cup, ate some raisins and decompressed.

The mom accomplishment I had was I never raised my voice, I never felt frustration or the need to reel him in. We were outdoors, so if he screamed he screamed. He stopped when his throat got sore. I stopped once, because he sounded like he was gagging and he nearly was. He was so upset he was drooling and almost vomiting as he cried. I let him relax, gave him a hug and continued walking to the car.

But damn was it hard to not cave and just get the tickets and let him ride the train. That goddess-forsaken train! Damn you train!! Next time, Mac is coming with (his idea). One of us will distract Nixon while the other gets the tickets, quickly!

If Nixon were a difficult child, I'd be better prepared for fits like that. Or not, maybe we'd never leave the house and we'd never get to enjoy each other together like we do when we go on "dates" like this together.

Under the category of: Me

Well, some of you know I entered a photo contest last month on facebook. The winner(s) would receive a free boudoir photo shoot complete with hair and makeup. PLUS, a photo in the company's calendar. Well, there were 6 total winners chosen, all of whom will get 2 photos in the calendar. I was winner number 6!!
Then it became a waiting game.
Someone reported the company for operating a home-based business without a license from the base. So, instead of preparing for the photo shoots, they had to go and fight for a license. Two weeks became a month, a month became women getting pissy. Finally, the company said they were getting ready to plan the shoot. One girl dropped out right before this announcement but her loss is another girl's gain.

The point of all this is....I'm dieting hard again. And Jillian Michaels and I are spending a lot of time together. Twice a day. Once while Nixon's napping and once after he goes to bed. I really hate dieting. Even more, I hate that I HAVE to diet in order to feel good about myself. And worst of all?? I hate exercising!! I hate, hate, hate sweating. It's gross. But sweat I must.

The day the Earth moved and everyone forgot how to READ

This week the world watched as one of the most powerful earthquakes in history rocked Japan and led to a devastating tsunami sweeping through the country. It was front page news, headline news and on every major newstation for hours as the media looped the raw footage as it was being released.
And where was my little family?
Over 1000 miles away on Okinawa, the small island located off the southwestern coast of mainland Japan. We had a tsunami warning issued for the island on Friday evening, with waves predicted to reach 2 meters (approximately 6 feet) as a result of Japan's 8.9 (though now, 2 days later its been officially declared as a 9.0 magnitude earthquake) earthquake and the powerful aftershocks. What wasn't commonly mentioned is the extreme amount of quakes in the area for DAYS before this monster hit.
I've been checking this website (http://earthquake.usgs.gov/earthquakes/recenteqsww/Maps/region/Asia_eqs.php) almost daily for about a month now. We've had 9 earthquakes on Okinawa since the beginning of February. It's stressful to me and I've considered asking for anxiety medication to deal with it, but I haven't. Yet. Looking at the site, there were over 120 measurable quakes before the now 9.0 hit. Since it hit there have been nearly 150 aftershocks, many considered significant (measuring over a 6.0 magnitude). This quake has been a long time in the making, but no one predicted it to be so powerful, so destructive or so life-shattering. The video coverage, boats being tossed around like a toy in a bathtub, cars being washed away and whole farms flooded in mere seconds had led to an automatic panic, though understandable, of our friends and family back home.
One of the first things I did, upon learning of the situation in Japan and our subsequent tsunami status, was to post on Facebook all the information we had as it came. I also posted it on Mac's wall because he's not always timely about doing so. I made sure to let people know we were safe.
And still, the concerns and questions with borderline DEMANDS to know we were okay started coming in. It was, as if, my statuses were lost in communication between the fear of the unknown and the assurance that we were safe. I explained in posts that we live on an island 1000 miles from the quake. "Did you feel it?" "What did you see?" "Are you leaving the island?" from well-meaning friends and family, became overwhelming when we're repeating the same info over-and-over-and-over, because it seems everyone stopped listening as soon as they heard Japan and couldn't process the distance, a literal ocean's apart, from the devastated affected area to our safe little island. It was frustrating trying to explain we're not even on the same fault line as the mainland. Yes, we've had earthquakes, last February's being the most powerful one I've ever personally felt, but nothing like what Tokyo experienced.
I suppose we should be grateful so many people were worried/concerned for our family's safety. And believe me, I was deeply touched by all the concern I was receiving. I take part on several forum boards on babycenter.com and I made sure to post on those that I'm on near daily, that we were okay. I was surprised to see a thread started, inquiring about my safety, on my birth board, which I hardly ever post on anymore. I felt very blessed that so many people, whom I've never met in real life, were concerned for my safety. These people were wishing my family well and safety on the forum and my facebook page.

So while the repetition of info to so many people was tedious, the concern overwhelming and the comprehension of simple geography not fully grasped, in the end everyone knows we're safe. The tsunami predicted to reach 6feet was less than 2 feet. We've not had a single tremor here and while radiation from the failing nuclear plants is the newest concern, there's no radiation detected at the base closest to those plants on the mainland and that means there's none here either.

This is not anything I want to live through again anytime soon and for now it's life as usual in our neck of the world.

A lesson in patience and following your heart

Potty training under way!

We've been at it for an hour and some change now. Five trips on the potty. One accident. No worries, we've got lots of undies.

The most recent trip Nixon was really "no, no, no!", so I asked him if he wanted a diaper or to try undies. He said "undies". So I softly told him, when he's in undies he has to go on the potty. He said okay, so we'll see.

The problem is he wants the stickers, but doesn't want to sit still on the potty to get the sticker.

_________________________________________________________________________________
And in the 5 minutes it took me to write that (^^) we had a breakdown.

Nixon went to the bathroom and threw a fit. Crying and fighting the potty. It hurt my heart to see him so upset. So, I called it a day, he just not ready yet.
But the mommy guilt is saying I gave up too soon.
And of course, while Nixon is crying about stickers and fighting undies and a diaper, Mac wakes up. So he gets to be Nixon's savior from mean ole Mommy trying to make him use the potty. While I'm in the bathroom fighting tears for being a failure and damaging Nixon beyond all repair (see? mommy guilt is evil!), Mac and Nixon are cuddling on the sofa watching Dora together.

Its not working if Nixon is fighting the whole way. We'll hold off a bit longer and try again, when he's more ready.

In the meantime, the diapers are still in aisle 8, right?!?!?