I am not a perfect mom, I am not a perfect mom, I AM NOT A PERFECT MOM!

   That was my mantra yesterday. I was ready to scream it from the rooftops just so everyone who took their time to stare and shake their heads at Nixon and I, realized I already knew what they were all thinking. "She is not a perfect mom".

    Hell no, I'm not perfect! You know what makes me so imperfect? I'm human. And I'm raising a 4-year old. Who, apparently, has moments to show his ass, in public, at the worse possible moments! I made a lot of mistakes yesterday, during an outing to Target, so here's a list of them. Maybe other moms can learn from my mistakes...

1- I took a child to Target during the holiday season rush. 
No one in their right mind goes to the store in the weeks before Christmas, during lunchtime, with a child. NO ONE! But I did. And we were good, at first. I had told Nixon he would not be getting a toy and to not even ask. He even repeated what I'd told him and retold me as we walked into the store "I am not getting a toy today. I am not even going to ask, Mommy."

2- I took a sickly child to the store.
Nixon has been fighting the flu since last Friday. He's been up and down with vomiting and shitting the bed. He was fine yesterday morning so I thought to myself "A short trip to the store will be good for him. Fresh air and a little time out of this germ-infested house is a good idea."....it was not! Even if he was acting better, it'd been less than 24 hours since his last symptom had appeared or disappeared, however you want to look at it.

3- I tried doing too much, in an effort to make MY life easier.
This one is the biggie. Please learn from my mistakes. I went to Target to get a few things and once I had them all, I for some stupidass reason, thought "well, I'm hear lets finish all the shopping" before realizing to complete my shopping I'd have to go to.....THE TOY SECTION. (parents, I'm sure you can see where this is going, and you know it's not going to go well)

4- The toy section bring out the devil in ALL kids!
Nixon was awesome, even amazing, until we walked by....Angry Birds. GODDAMNED mother-fucking Angry Birds! As soon as he saw that, my kid lost his ever-loving mind! He actually stood in place and SCREAMED! Not yelled, screamed! I pulled him into a "quiet" (re not super crowded) aisle and spoke, firmly, in his ear. I told him we're not there for him, and he was already told no toys. We were looking for a gift for his cousin and I need him to help me pick it out. He took a couple deep breaths and recovered. WHEW! Not the end.....

5- When a child has more than one meltdown, it's time to leave the basket and get them home.
I did not do this. I made the threat, dropped the basket and walked away, but I fell for his pleas of "Please Mommy I be good. Tessa needs her present!" and picked it up. I did go right to the registers. And had to stand in line. Thinking a snack might entice him to behave I offered to buy him a small one. Again, he was fine. Until the line stopped moving and he realized there was nothing in the basket for him....He screamed a third time "I WANT ANGRY BIRDS NOW!!".

6- If you are standing in line, closely, and you see a mother pickup her tantrum-throwing child, MOVE out of her way!
After his Angry Birds outburst, I hulled his ass up and hoisted him onto my hip. The woman standing behind me, obnoxiously close I might add, didn't move when I said "I'm sorry, excuse me". Instead she forced me to squeeze past her, and got kicked by Nixon on the way. I did apologize that the kick, but seriously, bitch had it coming. If she'd moved 2 feet and let us out, she would not have gotten kicked and I would not have had to squeeze past. This was not a large woman, this was a twig-of-a-girl just being a gawker at my child's clear demonic possession who was too busy watching that to move! Yes, I know when Nixon is in full-on exorcism mode he gets scary, trust me I know, but seriously, just move when you see a mom struggling with her child and trying to remove him from the situation.
And, for the record, staring at me while I carry my screeching child out of the store, really isn't doing anything but pissing me off. I was not speaking in a tone anyone nearby could hear, I was clearly taking him OUT of the store and I was doing it as damned fast as I could move (while carrying a 35lb child who was thrashing in my arms and screaming). Trust me, I'm already wearing my "Asshole Mom" badge securely fastened on my "Parenting Failure" sash. Your dirty looks have little affect on my actions, other than once again, reassure me that I am a bad mom and I should never go out in public again.

7- When you finally get home, throw your tantrum AFTER putting your child in their room.
And throw a tantrum I did. Slammed doors, cussed up a fucking storm and told Mac what a shitty mom I was! I knew this entire episode was MY fault! I know it could have all been avoided, if I hadn't tried to do so much.
I took about half an hour to calm down after my rage-tantrum. Mac and I went up to Nixon's room and I held him, hugged him, kissed him and.....apologized. We hugged and kissed. He said he was sorry and told me we needed to go back because "you didn't get Tessa's gift mommy. You left it at the store."

    The moral of the story is: I fucked up and it led to Nixon losing his mind! We're better now, and I went back later last night, without Nixon, and did my shopping.