Mom with a side of anxiety

   Last year, I was diagnosed with social anxiety and depression. I was seeing a therapist and put on medications. Christmas was rough, I started having panic attacks in public settings. I had at least 4-5 in a span of two weeks. I went back to my doctor, had a dosage adjustment and have only had one panic attack in six weeks.

    I took a big step and landed a part-time job. I started last week. It's a great fit for me, even with my social anxiety. I'm working in the warehouse of the local comic book store we frequent. I spend a large majority of my time alone. and I couldn't be more comfortable with that. I have tasks to accomplish and focus on and just keep going. I can not tell you how wonderful it is to be working again! And, thanks to the owners and managers of the store, I'm working around Mac's schedule. I could not have asked for a more awesome group of people to call co-workers!

    Everything sounds like it's going great for me, right? Honestly it's as close to perfect as I can get. Until the last 2 days. Friday night I forgot to refill one of my medications. I had plans to do it Saturday, but forgot. I finally refilled it yesterday. Saturday night I had one of my all-too familiar anxiety fueled dreams. The most awful part of these types of dreams is that, even after I wake up I still feel stuck in the dream. I don't shake the emotions the dreams bring up, even after I'm awake. I feel like I'm in a fog the whole day. I try my best to "power thru" the day, but it's not always possible.
   This morning was worse. Even though I had taken my medications last night, I fought for sleep until after 2:30am only to be tormented by more anxiety fueled dreams with a side of near panic-inducing nightmares. I woke up so anxious I couldn't take being touched///not even by Nixon. These are the days I HATE anxiety! Nixon is the most affectionate child, always giving hugs and telling us "I love you". It hurts when I have to tell him I can't be touched right now. This morning, a hug from Nixon made me feel like I was going to jump out of my skin and scream! Mac tried comforting with a simple hand on my shoulder and I nearly lost it.
 
    Skipping a day or two of my medications is not something I do regularly. In fact, I usually refill a week in advance to avoid a gap in dosages, but shit happens. Now I'm trying to get back on track and not let these demons dwelling in my head win.

    I didn't feel like writing this post. Mac suggested it. Sometimes he has a good idea. I'm glad I wrote this, because for every good day I have it gets easier to think I'm "cured". Days like today remind me of how far I've come and how quickly I could regress if I fail to take my medications. I don't want to be on meds forever, but this was an unexpected affirmation that for now, I still need them.

The evil cycle of the reality of a being a Stay-at-Home-mom for the last 4 years....losing my identity.

  It seems these days I'm losing my identity and instead becoming known by someone else's identity.
  It started when Nixon started preschool earlier this month. I stopped by to pay his tuition and the director of the school didn't know me until I identified myself as "Nixon's mom". I get it, I really do, she deals with so many parents and children that keeping it simple and learning only the children's names is the best way to go, since those are the ones she'll be seeing on a daily basis for extended periods of time. The parents are there for drop-offs and pick-ups and the director isn't always present in the classroom at those times.
   So I've resigned myself to accept my newest role as "Nixon's mom".

   But then I had to write a letter for Mac, to his command, regarding a request to stay on the current shift he's on. I wrote it as Mac's wife and Nixon's mother....I was no one as an individual. I had no single stake other than to represent what was best for Nixon, Mac and our family.
   That's when it hit me.

   I'm really losing myself lately. I've stopped working on things for my etsy shop. I've got costumes to work on for Halloween, I've got almost everything I need to complete said costumes but I haven't started them yet.

   I don't really have a point to this. I'm behind on blogging because I'm in a funk. I'm in a funk because I'm not inspired by anything these days. I'm uninspired because I'm not feeling like an individual, I'm just a part to someone else's whole.
   Please tell me other moms have gone through this and it goes away?

   By the way, before anyone tells me to get a job, at this point in time it's not possible. Nixon's only going to school 2.5 hours 3 days a week and Mac is still on the overnight shift, daycare is an impossibility.

"Mommy's brain is broken, kind of"...explaining things to a 4-year old so he understands them without being scared

  Last night Nixon had an extra late night. He stayed up until almost midnight! He was in bed with me watching a movie on TV being good and quiet. Since Mac was working I was okay with a slumber party/movie night in our bed.
   I had to go downstairs and take my medications for the night. I told Nixon I as running downstairs to get my meds and Nixon says "Mommy, I need meds too. I am sick." *sigh* This is when I have to explain to my 4-year old that my medications aren't for an illness but for my "broken brain".
me: Nixon, I take medication because my brain doesn't work right not because I'm sick.
Nixon: You brain is broken?
me: Yeah, kind of. It doesn't work like it's supposed to. The medicine helps it work like a regular person's brain. Like yours does.
Nixon: Because my brain isn't broken?
me: No, baby, your brain isn't broken.
Nixon: How did your brain break?
me: Oh, well, I didn't have a good childhood and my brain worked differently to help me deal with it. Now my brain thinks that's a proper way to function.
Nixon: But you brain is broken!
me: Yep, it doesn't know it is, but I realize it doesn't work like it should.
Nixon: Can I see you brain?
*I get on the bed so he can look at my head*
Nixon: I see it mommy! I see your broken brain. It's cracked right here *points*
me: Wow! You can really see it?!
Nixon: I'm going to kiss it, so you feel better. Then you can go take your medicine and be a good mommy for me, okay?
me: *almost tearing up* Okay, baby.

You've been my best 4 years

I'm paraphrasing Taylor Swift, but the gust is: My baby boy turned 4 yesterday!

The in-laws are visiting, having arrived yesterday to celebrate Nixon's birthday (his first birthday in the states....ever!, so I get it's kind of a big deal) and are staying through Thanksgiving with us. Small yay.
I'm kind of a control freak....slightly, maybe a little....okay, a lot. SO, it's very hard for me to stand back and not say things without (a) coming off as rude or (b) being a complete bitch. Honestly, there's no happy medium, trust me I've tried for years to try to find one. So I usually do my own thing and just let things happen and stew in silence. It pretty much, almost totally (did not) work the last visit. But this time, I realized I'm still a little bat shit crazy and started my meds again. Problem is....they're really fucking up my appetite, and that means I have a mother-in-law who is watching (and apparently keeping track) of everything I do and don't eat!
Take today: we left early this morning to buy Nixon's new bed. I grabbed a banana before we left. We got home and I went to Nixon's bedroom and put the bed together (thank you Ikea for making affordable but also very mind numbingly annoying furniture instruction sheet) when I came downstairs to grab a trash bag, she tells me "You should sit down. You need to eat, you only eat banana all day. That not enough. (turns to my brother-in-law) Do you think that is enough for her to eat?" See, the thing is, the last time I was on the meds, she tried telling me I needed to hire help because I might be a danger to Nixon!! So, excuse me for not telling her why I'm not eating right now.
The meds tend to alter the taste of food. Yesterday, my coffee tasted like mud. MY COFFEE!!!!!! It's only temporary, while I'm adjusting to them again. but it's a hell of a thing to be dealing with during the best eats time of the year!

As I mentioned, Ikea helped finally furnish Nixon a twin bed:

That is his room, less than 5 minutes after I was done getting everything where I wanted it. He is currently asleep, napping in his new bed. 

On his bed is a brand new magician bunny I bought for him, because every kid should have a magic bunny, right? Nixon saw him and immediately named him "Bunny, Bunny" and just before his nap he told me to say "welcome bunny bunny" which I assume is welcome bunny bunny to the family. 

For those wondering, I did not cry on Nixon's birthday. I did put his bed together myself. and I did make him a pink cake, at his request for his Avengers theme!