Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Okinawa, untold nameless stories

I've got some time on my hands, so I thought I'd write a post abut things I've learned from 3 years of living on an island in the middle of the ocean as a foreigner, a military spouse, mother and most of all as a woman. I've learned a lot about who I am and what I'm made of.

 PREGNANT WOMEN ARE SMUG (and batshit crazy)
No offense to any of my normal friends who are pregnant, but there's something in the water here on Okinawa, that just bumps up the crazy in these bitches as soon as they get knocked up! First there was FG, who didn't even WANT another child yet, but got pregnant to shut her husband up. BUT I'm the asshole in this picture, because when she's crying to me about how horrible she feels and how she just doesn't want this baby even if her husband does, I remind her there are options....I hear I told her to kill her baby because I hate all families with more than one child! What.The.Fuck! (**for the record, she had the baby and is now getting divorced, according to the wide world of facebook friends networks**)
Then there was the second woman, who was a new friend but I'd have considered a friend none-the-less. She gets pregnant and the DAY....yes the motherfucking DAY, she gets the positive pregnancy test, she parked in goddamned expectant mother parking at the fucking commissary!! I shit you not, yo! Her doctor hadn't even seen her yet, but that stick had 2 lines so she felt since she had a toddler and a pee stick, she could park there because she was SOOOOOO tired!
Same woman, later in her pregnancy (because I overlooked that first flag), we had a playdate and went to lunch. Her child is 9mos to a year younger than Nixon, and Nixon is tall for his age, we've established this. At lunch, Nixon had an apple to eat and was seated in the booth next to me. Well, SHE comes over with her son, who refuses to sit in the highchair, but since there were 3 moms and 3 kids (2 kids who are too big for highchairs: Nixon and Miss Macy) there's not really an option. She asks if one of the older kids will sit in the chair so her spawn can sit in the booth and let her eat in peace. I get Nixon in the chair, with no issue, apple in hand and he's quietly eating his apple and watching the tv that was on in the corner behind us. This crazy B has the nerve to say "Well sure, if there's a tv and food any kid will sit quietly no matter what". No bitch, they will fucking not, know how I know....look at your spawn! My son sat there, and was an angel (I rarely say that EVER, let alone about Nixon! lol) while your spawn STILL didn't eat or sit down for that matter.
Finally, after she birthed that 2nd child as "God intended women to", she was "too busy" for playdates with Nixon and I. Fine, to be honest I was quite a bit relieved. Until I heard from K, that she'd been invited to go on a playdate with crazy B and her brood just a couple days after I'd contacted cB about setting up a playdate for us. Hmmmm....I got a message from cB a few weeks later, letting me know that she's working on figuring out parenting 2 kids (her 2nd child was 4 months old by now) and she'd love to get together with us "some time next week. Let's make this happen". When I didn't/couldn't "make this happen" on her time table....cB used the delete button on Facebook, which as we all know is the end of any friendship or relationship these days.
**Look, I'm sorry but just because I "only" have one kid, doesn't mean we sit around waiting for everyone to get settled and invite us. I extended invites and either never heard from her, got blown off, or heard she was hanging with other "new" moms. I'm not jealous of that. I'm pissed off that people can't just tell me the truth..."You can't possibly relate to me now that I have 2 kids, with your life of only one child, so I'm going to stop being friends with you". I'm a big girl and I can handle it....but my son, he's a small child and he doesn't/didn't understand why he wasn't seeing his friends anymore. Thank GODDESS for K and Miss Macy during the cB shit, cause otherwise Nixon wouldn't have had anyone to play with.
And all cause, pregnant bitches be crazy yo!

Okinawa will be forever remembered in my mind for 2 things: batshit crazy pregnant bitches (by the barrel full) and the evil, cut-throat world of internet yardsalling. 
There's several options when it comes to selling/ get rid of items you no longer want. You can donate, which we did in spades. We donated books to the USO and clothes/household items/toys and more books to the base thrift store. Those of course made us squat financially. 
Then there's local flea markets, but since you have to get there before the sun rises and cock crows to get a "good spot", it wasn't an option for me. And since I'm the one who's been dealing with all the crap-getting-rid-of-for-money decisions, that was the end of that. 
Finally, there's an actual yardsale site (closed on Sunday...apparently to encourage family time?!?! or some such bullshit reason why an interest yard sale site would be closed on a weekend day) and in the recent past, several similar pages have turned up on facebook.
We (I) listed our car, for a fair's a good car and has some perks to it, that really matter here on island (a year left on the japanese inspection of the vehicle...pricey thing to get done), paid road tax (similar state registration), no excessive body damage, runs good, etc. I listed it for $750, we wanted a quick, no hassle sale. Within an hour of posting it, my inbox was filling up with people who wanted it! One woman was very interested, willing to put a deposit down the next day, interested. After emailing her back and forth, I changed the listing to *Pending Deposit*, foolishly thinking this would let people know it's spoken for, but not removing it in the event the sale fell through. Smart right??
Apparently not in the very cut throat, feed your liver to the dogs world of Okinawa car sales. I got emails that offered lower money (they'd pay the insurance for us), offers to pay cash now and LET us drive the other words, exactly what we'd already said would have to happen. But the very best offer was from the guy who said "I'll pay you $500 cash tonight, do all the transfer paperwork for you AND let you keep the keys until I need to bring you to the airport", so for $500 I get a new best friend/personal assistant who can make miracles happen?!?!? WOW, how'd I let that one pass me by? Oh yeah, that's right...because no one can do the transfer without the current owner and new owner present. At least, not the legal way and no way in hell am I going to give a stranger power-of-attorney to do something I can do myself!

I came, I saw, I survived.....and I left with the same number of kids I arrived with!

   Okinawa is commonly called a "2 kid duty station". Meaning you'll have a couple kids while stationed there. It's no wonder. There's nothing to do during typhoons, half the time. The summers are hot and sticky, so I can't understand all the humping going on then....but the winters are nice and sometimes it does get cold enough I'd let, or even WANT, Mac to touch me for the extra body heat. Well, that and I'm too lazy to get out of bed and turn on the heat, when I have a perfectly function-able warm body in bed next to me. 
   I guess what some people forget is: birth control is not new. According to Okinawa statistics, 3 in 1 condoms fail, 75% of all oral birth control will fail and even mirena/IUD's fail more than 10% of the time. This is not even counting the one-night stands who were too drunk to USE a condom or birth control. It's insane how many "oppsies" are walking/talking/sprouting/bumping around that island! 
   My family...we're enigmas. We spent 37 months on an island in the middle of the Pacific Sea, and have only one child. The only time I ever saw OB/GYN floor was when my primary physician thought my uterus was collapsing and I needed an immediate second opinion. (It wasn't. It turns out my primary physician mistook my tilted uterus for a collapsing one.....fucking moron!)
   But it leads me to my next point: 

Only on Okinawa, will you find yourself wishing for cancer, if only for the paid off island vacation time

I wish I were joking. But there comes a time, about a year to eighteen months, into your time on Okinawa, where you start to fantasize about any number of ways to get off Okinawa, without paying over $3k to get there and without trying to work the Space-A system to your advantage. 
   In my case, I was praying that my uterus was collapsing and that I'd need a complete hysterectomy. I was keeping fingers crossed I'd get sent to Hawaii, the closest place for major surgeries, with Nixon and Mac by my side. I was hoping I'd be able to work up tears, when given the news, to convey how earth shattering this diagnosis was.
   I was hoping for cancer! What the hell did Okinawa do to me?? WHO wishes for cancer?? Me. And I never got it either....I know it's in there!! But it just refused to give me an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii. Instead it'll lay dormant until I least expect it. Like the week before my 36th birthday, or some such random shitty day. 

Bitches be batshit crazy......because there's bat shit in the water!

   It's like a circle....
Okinawa has horrible water. Apparently, everyone drinks it, since everyone get pregnant. I didn't drink it, and I never got pregnant. 
Okinawa also has some of the LARGEST fucking bats I've ever seen! They're huge!! They'd carry a small child away, if they were inclined to do so. But since they eat bugs and other insects, the kids were safe. But these furry, winged, screeching creatures do have to poop somewhere. 
The poop get washed off of everything in the rain. 
The rain gets collected for island-wide consumption. 
Local fruits and veggies get watered with this water.
Those fruits and veggies get consumed by perfectly sane women of a child-baring age.
Those women get pregnant, and after consuming the local fresh produce and drinking the water, 
   they become BATSHIT CRAZY! 

BAM I just blew your minds! The pregnancy is the catalyst that sets off the bat-shit crazy brain waves! The excess blood flow to the uterus for the growing fetus, somehow triggers those crazy nuggets the bat ingested, and before you know it you have an island of bat-shit crazy pregnant women that no one knows how to deal with....unless by deal you mean avoid at all costs. 
Cause that worked for me, once I realized I was only sane because I wasn't eating local produce and drinking tap water.

Every wife with a camera is suddenly a "photographer"

  Beaches plus year-round sunshine plus a lack of ample jobs for military spouses will lead to an unreal amount of "photographers"! 
  Everyone who has a few bucks, some free time and a basic knowledge of Photoshop will try to start a photography business. Some have real talent and do it because they love it. Others see it as easy money and  that is their sole'll be able to tell whom is who. After a good photographer gets a good base group of loyal clients word-of-mouth is good enough to get the word out. Occasionally there will be a random photo contest or special event shoot, around holidays, but the prices and offers remain the same.
  Then we have the fake-ass photographers who are in it for the money and have no real talent. They build the same kind of loyal business, but when they've got  good group...they jump their prices up by nearly 5 times, they start claiming the photos they take are "artistic property", and they have a mini session (aka reason to make a quick $1000+ over a weekend) for nearly every fucking month of the year! This type I have issue with.
   One of the fake-ass ones happened to have been offering a live bunny mini-session. I was convinced this was perfect, since i thought Nix would be afraid of the costumed guy. So we did it. Except the day before, Nixon fell at the zoo and had a wicked brushburn on the middle of his forehead. As his mom, I didn't care too much. I figured it's a memory with some pizzazz! The photographer says "Oh I can fix that no problem." Cool, cool.
   Except when I saw her posting on other professional photographer pages about to to correct it. And then when I got the photos, I was given a corrupted disk. I had to do what I know how to do and retrieve the photos, resave them and then view them. And in the process, I got to see the raw images. (Photographers untouched images are called raw. Think of it like meat, before it touches the grill/stove/oven. It's raw.)
   Please, repeat after me....grass is green, grass is green, GRASS IS MOTHERFUCKING GREEN!!! Not yellow green with a horrible sick green tint all over everything!
   And by "fixing" Nixon's booboo on his head, she masked his forehead and erased half of his hair!!She gave him a 5head, y'all!!

Moral of the story?? Unless you're sure you know how to correct something, and a parent is asking for it to be corrected/edited...please do not offer to do so and think you're being nice. Some of us parents actually know how to take photos but choose to let someone else have the pleasure of "wrangling" their kid(s).

And then I left Okinawa so the truth could be told!!! LOL
  Mac spent a lot of our time in Oki, asking me to "play nice" since he worked with these people or their spouses.
   Guess what?? I'm not in Oki anymore, bitches!!

   Here's a tip: if you don't enjoy photographing toddlers....probably shouldn't say that to me, the mother of a toddler you'll be photographing in a couple days. Makes me a little pissy to think you actually dislike my child purely for his age. But then again, I dislike you purely for being from Texas and thinking your shit doesn't stink because you married the boy you met at age 10, while looking down your nose at my husband and I because we were in our late 20's/almost 30 when we met and got married. And yes, we've had sex....a lot of it, before each other, but if I can look at him and not see the other women, how's about you shut your prudish mouth IN MY HOME about it??? 
   And by the's never okay to give "parenting" advise, from a book you read, during your 9 month stint working in a daycare! How's that book-learning working now that you have a real kid, eh??

  Forums are the devil. Forums with a bunch of wives stranded on Okinawa together?? Heads will roll! Expect to be spied on, talked about, gossiped about by people who don't know you and judged every single day! And then, when you come on to get some advise, expect to be shamed for your otherwise, private life. But then there are some cool chicks who will back you up, make it a secret society type thing and attempt to massacre the holly-than-thou bitches for being...well, cunts! Instead of asking how a person they know is going through a rough time is doing, they get on the forum and blast said person!
   Forums are entertaining....but usually only when you take an otherwise mundane post, ignore the original intent and find some likewise bored posters to have completely irrelevant conversations that last hours! 
   Kadena Air Base facebook page, check it sometime and see the pure, unadulterated level off assholeness I've been surrounded by for 3 years. It's no wonder I needed drugs!! (for good laughs, check it during an approaching typhoon...classic!!)


  1. so glad you are back in the states! L O L being stuck on an island gave it a Survivor edge but mixed with technology! I can't believe that one lady didn't know about the clone stamp in PS, even so- iPhoto has an easy edit tool that takes care of blemishes, I'm sure Picasa or any other PC photo edit software has the same thing where it takes no brains to "fix" photos. People be crazy!!

  2. hahaha I so wish we were able to hang out more! I hope I wasn't one of the crazy batshit preggos! lol Oh and sorry for standing you up for the B/X that morning . . . I got a little sidetracked delivering a baby. lol.

    1. No worries! Having a baby is a little more important LOL
      And no, you were one of the too cool for Okinawa preggos. The kind I liked being around, even if I wasn't around you more often :)