Random conversation I wish I didn't have to have with my 5-year-old

Nixon: Look mom!
me: Umm.....what, the...?!?!
*he has an unsharpened pencil in his underwear*
Nixon: I put this in my undies! *laughs hysterically*
me: No! Just no! You do not put toys, markers, pencils or anything else in your undies!
Nixon: Why not?!
me: Because your undies are for your butt and peenie only.
Nixon: Oh man.

I should be grateful he's wearing undies, since earlier he declared undies to be "dumb and stupid" and spent 30 minutes in the bathroom, because he's allowed to not wear undies in there.

Updated: Nixon has also been walking around with only one sock on. Evidently, there was something wrong with the other one "There was something in my sock". When I offered "Your foot?", he refused to see the humor I was offering him and instead replied "Well, yeah but something else too. But I took my sock off and everything's all better now. Everythingisawesome!"
*yes he did sing that last part. Thank you Lego Movie commercials*

He's big, smart and has a mouth like his momma.....in that he never stops talking!

   Today was Nixon's 5-year well child doctor's appointment. Yes, he did turn 5 almost 3 months ago, but his 4-year was after his birthday and apparently this one had to be more than a year after his last visit.

    His visit started rough. He didn't want to go get his height and weight checked. Then he didn't want to go into the exam room. Eventually,it all worked out, because I had a bag of tricks ready for him. Plus the exam room had a book he was obsessed with!

   The doctor came in, did his exam and asked a few questions. Then came the most awesome conversation Nixon has ever has with another person....ever! I was almost in tears from laughing so hard!

Doc: *doing the testicular exam* Has this mole changed in size at all?
me: Nope, it's the same size as it's always been.
Nixon: That's because I don't get pee on it from my peenie! That hole is where my water comes out. Then I pee!
Doc: That's good.
Nixon: And I have another hole for poop!
Doc: You do?!? Where is it?
Nixon: The hole is in my BUTT! My poop comes out my butt and pee comes from my peenie!
*I am dying, by this point*
Doc: Does it ever hurt when you poop?
Nixon: Nope! I make big "S"s in the toilet with my poop! I poop a lot!
Doc: So, constipation....not an issue with him is it?!
me: Nope, he's got healthy insides.


Yep, that's my son! Making my laugh so hard I almost cry while listening to him tell his doctor about poop and pee!