Explaining MLK Jr to a 6-year old

    Today Nixon and Mac had the day off. We went out to breakfast and enjoyed some family time together.
   On the way to breakfast, I asked Nixon if he knew why he had the day off. Nixon's answer was "Yes. I have no school because I didn't have to go today". He's so smart.

   I smiled to myself and decided to share who Martin Luther King Jr was and why we remember him. I tried to keep it as simple as possible, he's only 6, but I wanted to give him some sort of lesson about the man.
   "Nixon, there once was a time when people who had skin like Uncle K or Miss A couldn't work for themselves or vote or even get a good education. They worked for white families and were called slaves. Martin Luther King Jr spoke out against the unfairness that people of color were subjected too. He led marches for equality. He was brave because lots people fought against the changes he was marching for.
    Eventually, he was killed. But he helped lead the way for change to happen."

   I can't say Nixon understood, but I gave him a cheat sheet version of history. When he's older we'll discuss it more.

2014: A look back at what made this year special

   As I spend the last hour of 2014 with my family (I'm heading out to a friend's house for the New Year), I thinking of how much our family changed this year. We moved, Mac retired, Nixon started Kindergarten, I went back to work and Mac was the stay-at-home parent for a while. We also faced unknown behavioral issues with Nixon, taking on medical professionals and the school to get answers. The answers came and, for some, it'd be a tough pill to swallow for us it was a starting point. A challenge to tackle.

   This year was our year of change. While you never stop changing this year saw us change in HUGE ways. And through it all, we stayed strong. Mac and I faced the school boards together, a united front for Nixon. I dug in deep and sought answers. I faced the boards with information and a cool head. A task not always easy (especially when his teacher sat in a meeting rolling her eyes and dismissing me when she didn't like what I was saying).

   I was unwittingly given a new title. One of advocate. I'm not Nixon's advocate, to everyone. Not everyone will accept, see or understand that Nixon has Asperger's. Many people will see a child acting out, melting down and being disruptive. I see a child overwhelmed and unsure of how to process his overload. I have to explain to friends, family members, strangers who might ask and anyone else why Nixon is special. Why a trip home to Buffalo resulted in a giant-sized meltdown on Thanksgiving Day.

   But I'm not perfect. I have my bad days. I have days that I don't handle Nixon as well as I should. I have exhausted outbursts and annoyed exclamations. I have shitty moments where I wish he was just "normal". I have moments of weakness where I find myself envying friends whose children are riding bicycles without training wheels because Nixon can't even pedal a bike without using pedal straps. I have anxiety attacks when the school calls, wondering what Nixon did now and if anyone was hurt. I'm angry his teacher can't see beyond his actions. I'm hurt that Nixon is THAT kid in his classroom. But most of all, I wish I didn't have the guilt I feel every day thinking somehow I did this to him. I know this is not my fault, but life for him would be so much easier without these issues.

   So, next year I'm going to be more understanding. More tolerant. A bigger advocate, louder advocate. I'm going to embrace Nixon the way he is. Because he's a pretty fucking awesome kiddo! And he's my baby boy. (He said I can call him that forever!)

Mac's retirement ceremony

Nixon's preschool graduation ceremony

Nixon's first day of Kindergarten

The school's verdict is in.....

    What a struggle these past few weeks have been.
    Nixon and I took a trip home to Western New York for Thanksgiving, our flight was delayed 6 hours. We settled into a quiet(ish) corner of the terminal and waited. Nixon was pretty awesome just playing games, reading, asking to walk when he was tired of sitting and generally just chilling. We got on the plane a little before midnight and Nixon fell asleep 5 minutes later. He slept the entire flight!
   My family was privy to more than one Nixon meltdown. Those were my fault and in hindsight I wouldn't have pushed so much on him in such an unfamiliar setting. Especially not during the holidays. 

   All in all, it wasn't awful.

   But when it was time for Nixon to return back to school, after a week off, he struggled. A lot. First day back he spent almost 2 hours out of class. 
  By the end of the week, he was out of class only 20 minutes. 
  By the following week, 5 minutes one day and an hour another day. The hour day was a day the school had 2 assemblies. Nixon never does well on assembly days. Way too much stimulation. 

   Thursday, December 11th, I had a meeting with the IEP (individual education plan) board to get the results of the tests they'd done with Nixon. His teacher was there, in addition to the rest of the board plus a note taker. 
    After almost an hour of going over the testers findings, I finally heard the board's opinion and Nixon and his behaviors. They found he is on the Autism Spectrum, high-functioning more commonly known as Asperger's as well as ADHD. They are going to develop an IEP for him. I was asked if I'd be willing to come in and sit down with the Special Education teacher to weigh in with my thoughts and what I'd like to see the IEP provide for his education needs. The top of that list is: I'd like to see him in a smaller classroom setting for the morning instructional time. He has the most issues during those times and has said on more than one occasion that he prefers a quiet, empty classroom to do his work in. (He's been losing recess time recently and he actually likes doing his work without his classmates in the room.)

    His teacher is just....well, I'm going to just add the posts from my facebook status the day of the IEP results meeting:

   I survived. No tears, very little combativeness from me and lots of support from his administrators!

Nixon does have autism, he's high-functioning and would be classified as having Asperger's. He also has ADHD, which when added with the Asperger's makes for a very difficult approach to the IEP. 

BUT he does qualify for an IEP!

I've been asked to sit down with the Special Education teacher and help develop parts of his IEP. I'm truly, beyond words, grateful for the offer. 

One of the biggest results of this is: Nixon is super bright! He knows things but needs a different approach to learning new things. 

He dislikes writing. A lot! But, from what I was informed of today, this is not uncommon for people on the spectrum. The county has methods beyond pen and paper, that will be available to Nixon when his IEP is drawn up!

No one is writing him off! These adults in place to support Nixon when he's at school, see him as a loving and bright child! The diagnoses only change the approaches and methods to teaching him, not their views on him. With the exception of his teacher (who at one point during the meeting was rolling her eyes and looking at the ceiling!), no one ever thought he was just a "bad" child. Everyone wanted to help solve the puzzle that is Nixon, and we did! We have a label, with have a title, we have a starting point!

Yes, Nixon is autistic and has ADHD, but he is still Nixon! He's still a bright, loving, happy child and most of all: He's still my baby boy!

That being said, I nearly beat his teacher in the face! Not literally, but in my head I knocked her fucking teeth out of her face!

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I brought up that, taking recess time away from Nixon was not effective. 

She countered that "he's still out there, he's still playing"

I replied, "Yes, but he's losing some time to do earlier work and he ENJOYS the quiet classroom setting when everyone else is outside."

She said "No, he's still out there, he's not losing time from recess."

I calmly, but firmly, responded (grabbing papers to support my next claim) "I have multiple minor incident reports and behavior sheets showing Nixon has lost time from recess to do work, in the classroom he was unable to complete earlier."

This bitch rolled her eyes!! Rolled her fucking eyes at me and says "OH, yeah well sometimes....." then trails off and doesn't even finish her sentence. 

I continue "I don't think it's effective as a tool because Nixon has told me he prefers a quieter classroom setting, without to "noise" of the other classmates when he's doing him required learning."

The special education teacher also added, when Nixon has been in her classroom to do work, he's much more focused and agreeable to do otherwise difficult tasks. 

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I'm glad there were witnesses to the entire ordeal. 

Afterwards, bitch comes into my personal space to tell me how wonderful she thinks Nixon is. As if that's going to make me forget you just tried to shut me down in the meeting!

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 I actually don't mind him loosing recess time. His hardest transition is from recess to learning again. So, Nixon being in there doing work actually helps him transition easier. 

It's not an effective tool, but he doesn't mind. He actually enjoys the pure quiet some days.

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 BTW it's always so uncomfortable for me to hear from other people what a great parent I am for advocating for Nixon. 

I don't get why that's something to be acknowledged. Isn't every parent their child's advocate? Doesn't every child have a voice coming from their parents? 

I had the OT that did the sensory tests with Nixon, say to me as we were leaving the meeting "You are such a wonderful mom, for listening and speaking up for Nixon. He's really lucky to have you in his corner."

      January 7th is my next meeting with the IEP board. At that time the official IEP will be gone over and it will be implemented immediately.

      The diagnosis is only the beginning, but with it comes a starting point.
I spoke to a couple members of the board at the conclusion of our meeting. They said they wished more parents were so accepting of their child's test results and diagnosis as I was.  My response was "If my child was sick I'd more the heavens to get answers. If the answer was cancer, I'd treat the cancer. This diagnosis is no different. It's not changing who Nixon is, but it's giving us all something to "treat" to help him be successful in school."
The Vice Principal laughed and said "Nixon's got a strong support system in you alone, Mom."  I think they're starting to understand my sense of humor too. I left most of my anxiety behind when I left that meeting room that day. I know Nixon's going to struggle, but I also know I'm not alone the school wants to help me, help us, help Nixon. 

The unofficial official diagnosis....from a medical professional

   Nixon had an appointment yesterday with a child psychologist. We set this up to help get answers about his behavior issues in school.

    I found out several things yesterday, one of which being I "read too much". That was told to me by the doctor. She was asking for the issues with Nixon, and why I was seeking a consult for him regarding being on the Autism Spectrum. I started telling her things I'd read, and behaviors Nixon had. She told me "stop researching and tell me what his issues are". Then she observed Nixon.

    Yes, Nixon does have textural issues. Yes, he does have SPD (sensory processing disorder). Yes, he is quick to frustration and acts on impulse when agitated.

    But, he doesn't have any social issues. He grasps empathy, understands 2 part questions asked to him and a few other things.

    The cut and dry of it is: He has ADHD and is not on the spectrum. He has coordination issues and is behaviorally immature, but he is not autistic.

    The way she explained it to me, thankfully with a chart, is: In order to determine someone is autistic, they first have to meet all 3 categories in the social interactions portion. Not just one. They have to have a negative in all 3 of those.
   Nixon had none.
   In addition, they likely will have up to 4 negatives in the behavioral categories.
   Nixon had 2 with a partial in a third category.

   Since we didn't get the questionnaire packet for his teacher prior to the appointment, she can not give us an official diagnosis. She needs the teacher's portion completed before she can do that. We'll have to schedule a follow-up and bring it then. At that appointment we'll discuss tools to help Nixon succeed.

    I don't know what the IEP findings will show. They're still testing him for that at school.

The struggle.....and my breaking point

    Nixon had a rough week last week. Monday was pretty horrific, Tuesday (election day) was no school, Wednesday and Friday weren't awful but far from great and Thursday was he best day of the week (only 10 minutes outside of the classroom).

    One of the biggest things that struck me, when I had to go to school on Monday and calm Nixon down, is there was a new student in the class. Now, Nixon knew her name on Wednesday and offered to help walk her to class, so that's a plus. Normally new people are identified by their shirt/hair/skin color. I adored watching him see the new student was nervous (although I don't think he identified that emotion, I think he was just happy to see a friend he knew), and using her name (!!) asked if he could walk to class with her. Her mother had tears in her eyes when she and I walked to our respective cars. And I'll admit, I did as well.
   Now, even though Nixon seems okay with her, just the fact that there's a new student is enough to send his world into a tailspin. And tailspin he did.
    All I can do is hope today is a better day.

    There's a class field trip next month. It's outside, at a farm and will be held rain or shine. In December!! I struggled and talked to Mac about it, ultimately deciding I'm going to keep him home that day and (hopefully) arrange something for us to do at the state park I worked at this summer. The class is studying trees, so I know the park has them.
   I just remember Nixon on a class field trip last year with his preschool. Even though I was there he still freaked out and had a couple meltdowns. I just feel like sending him on this one, in the cold!!, is setting him up for failure. I can't go on the trip because I have other things I have to do during the day that prevents me going as a chaperon.

    Finally, last night I cried. I cried a hard and ugly cry.
   One of my best friends posed a picture that her husband and son (a year younger than Nixon) drew together. I loved it, it was super cute! But it reminded me that Nixon is still drawing people as big circles with sticks for arms and legs. I'd be ecstatic if Nixon drew a conventional stick person!
   Another friend had posted a video, not too long ago, of her son (2 years younger than Nixon) tying his own shoelaces. Mac and I were crazy excited yesterday because Nixon zipped his own coat! Tying shoelaces?!? That's sci-fi shit to us right now.

    Those two things just broke me. It really made me realize how special Nixon is. I'm adjusting because some things are glaringly clear: Nixon is not where some of his peers are. But we're not giving up, he'll get there when he's ready. But I had a moment of sadness. I'm better today and I'd never break like that in front of Nixon. He's nothing but perfect to me.

....I tricked him into liking school again

 Today is election day, so Nixon had no school. After yesterday's behavior fiasco, I think we both needed a good day together. Today was that day.

    We spent a couple hours at the mall. Our first stop was the restroom....because, pee. Then we wondered around and eventually stopped for food. The service was incredibly slow and apparently 2 servers didn't want our table. I mean, one came to get our drink order, then didn't return with them. Another server came over to get our food order and asked about our drinks...which we'd already ordered. Server A brought over drinks and that was the last we saw her. Server B brought over creamers for my coffee. We waited well over 30 minutes for our food. The entire time, Nixon was great! He quietly played some games on the sheet they gave them, we played some together and he sipped on his milkshake.
   We finally got our food and Nixon was pretty well spent by that point. He ate a little and within 15 minutes of our food arriving, we were done and gone. We took most of the food to go.

    Our next stop was the book store.
    Can I just say I love that my kid enjoys books?! I'm not sure what I'd do without books. And I love that Nixon is catching on to that. (His class has a Pizza Hut reward for reading books. It's 5 books for the month, read to or the kids reading, and they earn a free personal pan pizza. He got the Monday and already we've read 3 books! We're huge book-nerds, all of us!)
   Nixon chose 4 books, one was a puzzle boxed set. He'll earn one book each day for the rest of this week. I love that he wants to earn books.....as rewards!

    On the drive home from the mall, Nixon says he wants to "quit school". Most parents would tell a child that's not allowed.
    I'm not most parents.
    We talked about it. I started by asking him what he didn't like (recess ends, not enough fun stuff, boring work). That wasn't working it was just reminding him of what he didn't like.
    I changed tactics.
    I asked him different questions about what he likes about school. But I disguised it as things he "didn't hate". "Art, computer lab, gym, music" were the top list of things he came up with. I then asked him if he'd miss those things, since he was quitting school and all. He says "Well, maybe I should go back. (new student) is just starting to like class, I can help make her laugh."
    That's my boy!

I'm his mom, not a magician!

    *Sigh*

    Yesterday was another day from hell for Nixon. And unfortunately, I'd told the vice principal she could call me the next time he had a really awful day.
     She took me up on that "offer" yesterday.
     Twice.

    It started as I was home pondering dinner. My phone rang and I, unknowingly, picked up. No, I knowingly picked up, I didn't know what the school wanted.

    Nixon had been having a rough morning. He had been out of the classroom for over 2 hours. He just couldn't get his shit straight. He wasn't throwing/hitting/kicking, he was crying and screaming (he has this god-awful ear bleeding pitch that he can scream at for extended periods of time!).
    The vice principal asked if I could "come by and talk to him, maybe stay with him the rest of the day?". I was able to come by, and I did, but I couldn't and honestly, just plain wouldn't,  spend another extended period of the school day with him.
    Why not?, one might ask. I'm not on the school payroll. I'm not teacher material. And unless they're telling me Nixon isn't welcome to the school anymore and I have to homeschool him, I've chosen to let other people educate him.
     But yesterday I had other things to do and literally could not stay with him.

    I got to the school and found Nixon, with the special education teacher and the aid standing near him, sitting in a chair. I sat cross-legged on the floor and had Nixon come sit with me. He hugged me and started to cry. He claimed he missed BeBe, but I know him well enough to know that "missing" something is an emotion he falls back on,because he can't/doesn't know what he really feels. Nixon can't always recognize his own emotions, so he'll say one that he does know, even if it isn't what he actually feels.
    He sat on my lap, crying into my chest. I held him and spoke softly, gently. *I should add that when Nixon first saw me, he asked if I was staying the rest of the day with him. I said "Nope. Know why? I've done all my years of school and I'm not doing it again". The special education teacher, whom I could see from the corner of my eye, looked shocked at my handling of Nixon!*

    After a few minutes, some deep breathes and a couple more tears, Nixon was ready to go to lunch with his class. I walked him to the cafeteria and talked to the aid.
    Apparently, Nixon started doing the classwork just fine. Then he realized it the same (shit) stuff the class has been doing almost 3 months now. The assignment is to cut the objects out, then paste them under the letter the word begins with. When Nixon realized there were 4 letters, he got upset! He told me "I've done it all", when I was calming him down. It didn't make sense until I talked to the aid.
    He's bored and annoyed that they are still doing the same thing! I get it but he just doesn't have the skills to express himself . He gets annoyed and becomes fueled by his impulses. Those impulses are not the best. He doesn't think ahead about actions and consequences, he's very in the moment.

    I mentioned this to the VP as I was leaving the school. I told her he's bored by the same work. I also said I felt the computer needs to be a reward for a job well done, not a coping mechanism as I feel it was being used. In addition I said I didn't want him segregated from the class, that if he wants to be a part of the class group time, it should be encouraged.
   She agreed and said they are working on a plan that helps him.

   Later I called and asked for the assignment he didn't do (and any other assignments he missed while out of the class for so long) to be sent home. Because that's just common sense to me. If he's acting out and not finishing his work, the work comes home.

   She called me one last time. He was doing his work, but he was doing it in spurts. He'd act up then recover and go back to his work. She asked if I thought talking to me would be a good solution. The only thing I could do was answer honestly: I don't know. And I really don't. Nixon doesn't respond to phones very well. He'll talk to his grandparents on the phone but he's not "present" in those conversations. SO I don't really know if talking to me will help him pull it together.
    She seemed kind of peeved that I couldn't give a magical answer to make him pull it together. I don't have that answer. I don't have a magic wand. I can't even explain how we do things at home because I've built self-coping methods into our way of life for so long I can't even remember how life was before. But what works at home will not work at school. Why? Because school has more distractions/kids/stimulations than we have at home.

    If I had a magic wand that would "fix" Nixon, I'd have used it by now. I'm giving the tips I know when I think they'll help, but not all of them are being implemented and that's not on me.

   Before I go, I'm going to share Nixon's homework last night. In addition to cutting and pasting, he had to write the words of each object.

I'm probably the bane of Nixon's teacher's existence. I help him spell words at home, but I do not write them like the kindergarten kids are supposed to do it. Like my t's. And of course, Nixon is copying my t's! But even funnier than just that, is Nixon's take on this assignment. Wrote the entire word right to left instead of left to right. And I love him for it! He did correct it and complete the entire assignment correctly.