Saturday, August 10, 2013

Hi, my name is Rea: I'm not always my son's best friend but I still have anxiety about sending off to school and not hearing him call me that every day. I'm a basket case and he loves me, so stop judging me! The voices in my head do that well enough without your help!

  I don't recall the exact reason for Nixon saying what he said to Mac and I, but I do know that it hurt to hear him say the words but I wasn't going to show him that.

   It started with him being told he couldn't get/have/eat something. He got angry and started telling us "You're not my best friend anymore". Mac's response was to tell Nixon to be quiet. My response was to let Nixon say what he wanted to say (and tell Mac to "shhh") and then explain to Nixon that as his parents we're not going to be his best friends forever. He's not always going to like what we decide and that's okay. My job is to be his mom first and if he loves me as his best friend that's awesome, but my goal is to not be his best friend my goal is to be the best damned mom I can be to him and sometimes that means he won't like me. I'm okay with that even if he's not.
   He was not really listening, but later when he calmed down he came over to me and gave me a kiss and said "I'm sorry I was mean, I still love you" totally unprovoked by me. I felt as if I had just won the mommy lottery!

   I have no idea when it happened, but Nixon will be starting pre-K in September. He's only going part-time 3 days a week, but my baby is leaving my nest! I'm so super excited for Nixon because he will be getting the social skills he needs and learning how to take directions from a teacher, and the school we chose is super creative focused, so it feels like a good fit for him.
   I've met his teacher and did a  preemptive apology for his dry sarcastic wit (she assured me students like that are her favorites, they keep her on her toes) and also apologized in advance for being the mom with the super snotty, wet faced drop-off on the first day. She laughed, probably because she thought I was joking. I was not. I have no idea how I'm going to be able to drop him off and let go. For over 4-and-a-half years it's been Nixon and I. The only person I've really had to share him with, is his dad.
   Now, our time together is coming to an end and I'm really very sad because I realize it truly is the end. This is only the beginning of my sharing him with the world. First it's part-time pre-kindergarten, then it's elementary school to middle school then high school and before I know it I'm waking up on the day he's going off to college. I can't undo this, it was going to happen but gods it happened so damned fast!

   Mac is worried about Nixon taking directions and listening to his teacher. He's worried about Nixon interacting with kids his own age. I'm worried about not being the center of his universe anymore. I've got anxiety over not hearing him call me his best friend (yes, I realize it completely contradicts the first part of this post) and him pushing me away when I try to kiss him, instead of him wanting to kiss me every day "just because".
   Yes, I have silly mommy anxieties. Let me have them!



  1. Yeah, I have had those moments, too. Today I sent my son off to his first day of kindergarten. Every day big kid school.

    I followed you over from the bloggess.

  2. I cried yesterday because we will send our son to college in the fall.....ten years from now. Trust me, I get it. Still, once the anxieties calm down a bit, the quiet of being kid-free will feel really good.

    Also followed you over from The Bloggess.

  3. Thank you both.
    I teared up reading your comments, realizing I'm not alone! Thank the Bloggess for readers like you!

    Tomorrow we go to make the payment for the next 4 months of his pre-K. His first day is Sept 4th.