It seems these days I'm losing my identity and instead becoming known by someone else's identity.
It started when Nixon started preschool earlier this month. I stopped by to pay his tuition and the director of the school didn't know me until I identified myself as "Nixon's mom". I get it, I really do, she deals with so many parents and children that keeping it simple and learning only the children's names is the best way to go, since those are the ones she'll be seeing on a daily basis for extended periods of time. The parents are there for drop-offs and pick-ups and the director isn't always present in the classroom at those times.
So I've resigned myself to accept my newest role as "Nixon's mom".
But then I had to write a letter for Mac, to his command, regarding a request to stay on the current shift he's on. I wrote it as Mac's wife and Nixon's mother....I was no one as an individual. I had no single stake other than to represent what was best for Nixon, Mac and our family.
That's when it hit me.
I'm really losing myself lately. I've stopped working on things for my etsy shop. I've got costumes to work on for Halloween, I've got almost everything I need to complete said costumes but I haven't started them yet.
I don't really have a point to this. I'm behind on blogging because I'm in a funk. I'm in a funk because I'm not inspired by anything these days. I'm uninspired because I'm not feeling like an individual, I'm just a part to someone else's whole.
Please tell me other moms have gone through this and it goes away?
By the way, before anyone tells me to get a job, at this point in time it's not possible. Nixon's only going to school 2.5 hours 3 days a week and Mac is still on the overnight shift, daycare is an impossibility.
I can say I'm going through something similar.
ReplyDeleteFirst let me just say that it's a fantastic job you are doing for your family. I think that sometimes how people view the work of a SAHM can seem a bit 1950's. It's a hard and selfless job, but that doesn't mean we're Stepford Wives either.
I love being a SAHM, but I stuggle with it all the time. I'm happy and don't regret the decisions I've made, but I never envisioned this being my life.
I'm not that 20 something that could be carefree and selfish. I have different priorities now, but what does the person I was do with all this now?
Being a new first time mother is hard. It takes a while to find your footing. I threw myself entirely into it, and now that things are settling I'm not sure of what the future holds for me other than just being a wife and mother.
I'm proud of what I do, but there is that individual artistic side of me that is very unsatisfied. It's hard to put the work into it because I'm putting my family's needs before my own.
I probably also need to talk to my doctor on starting back on my meds now that I'm not breastfeeding. Sometimes the anxiety and depression starts creeping back for sure.
It seems overwhelming, but I started with some baby steps. I got a sketch journal and am trying my best to doodle something every day. I'm not always successful though.
I don't know if any of this makes sense or helps, but know you're not alone! Let's take some time for ourselves, and hopefully we'll find our way :)
Thank you!
DeleteI did go and get on meds when things were really bad a couple years back. Now I'm weaning down the doses because my life isn't as stressful as it used to be.
I never pictured the SAHM role for me. It kind of happened by circumstances not by choice, which adds to my feeling of missing identity. I don't regret all the time I've had with Nixon, but I do feel lost because before when I was working, I had my own identity outside of the home.