...the day your child says he doesn't want to make friends because his heart hurts, is the day you dig deep and fight like hell to show him how much he has to offer friends he hasn't met yet.

    It's been a long time since a conversation with Nixon has had me in tears, but tonight that's exactly what happened.

    Nixon has been struggling. He's been having random mood swings since his cousin left after a visit last month. Anytime Mac or I would ask what's wrong, Nixon would say "I miss J" and start to cry, even if his outburst had nothing to do with J it was always his go-to response.

   Tonight I finally stopped and listened to him. I heard what he was saying and let him say it. And it was heartbreaking.
   In the past two days, Nixon's also mentioned his other cousin who moved to California earlier this year. He had spent a large amount of time with her as we had been living with her while her mom was out-of-town for military training over a span of two and a-half months.

   After an epic meltdown over cleaning up his toys downstairs, Nixon and I went up to his room and we talked. Well, he cried and I held him. Then we talked. He told me he never wanted to make friends. I asked him why and he said "J left and he broke my heart. I miss him.", and my heart broke hearing his 4-year old logic. How do you argue with that?
    I didn't argue. It's true. Friends leaving hurts. I know that firsthand.
   I told him the truth: Missing someone is part of a greater thing. It means you've got love in your heart for the person you miss and that is amazing! I want you to make as many friends as you want, lots of friends or just a few very special friends like mommy has, but you have to have friends in your life. I want people to see the kind, loving, silly, amazing and wonderful boy I see every day and I want them to want to be in your life. But you have to let them in your heart. It's a risk, but it's worth the risk. Sometimes, your heart will hurt, it's part of life but the best part of life is the strength you get by bouncing back from pains in your heart. Right now, you have good memories of your time with J, hold onto those every time you miss him and you'll feel the love and smile in your heart and the pain of missing him won't be so bad. Making friends here, when you start school, will be better because they'll live here and not far away like J so they won't have to leave and you'll see them at school.
   I closed it with: Please, please take the chance and make friends. You're so little and have so much life in front of you to say you won't make friends. Don't let fear stop you from being the brave and wonderful little boy I know you are.

   We sat on the floor of his bedroom, he on my lap head lying on my chest, looking at the photo of him and J together. Nixon crying and myself on the verge of tears. Nixon got up and said he needed a tissue, he grabbed the toilet paper roll from the bathroom and brought it to me in his bedroom. I helped him blow his nose and he got into bed.

   I came downstairs and told Mac about the conversation. He says "Is he 4 going on 16? He's growing up way too fast!"
   Tell me about it, babe, tell me about it.

   Tonight was by far the worst night about being so far from family.

"Please stop saying BOMB in public"....why the hell do I have to repeatedly tell this to my 4-year old?!?!

   For some reason Nixon has suddenly become obsessed with "throwing bombs" and running. Not real bombs, mind you. But he wants to tell me "Mom, I just threw a bomb at you, you blew up." I know pretend play is just that, pretend, but there are so many uptight assholes in the world today that might overhear that and actually think my child has a bomb and do something drastic.

   It's for that reason alone, I've started to tell Nixon, when he says anything about bombs, grenades or guns, in public "Nixon, it's okay to play pretend at home, but when we're out of the house you can't talk about those things. Some people won't know it's just pretend and they'll get very nervous and upset."

   I'm trying to curb this new verbal habit of his before he starts preschool in the fall (fingers crossed that he gets a spot). I want him to thrive at school and I'm not totally sure what the school's policy is regarding things like gun-play, to be honest, I'd prefer it to be a non-issue. As in something I never have to worry about because Nixon does not have issues with it outside of the home. Mac has stopped playing video games while Nixon is awake, we're more vigilant about the shows watches because of his behaviors. He wasn't becoming violent, more he was acting desensitized to real-life violence finding it funny....that was a big red flag for me and I was straight up "HELL NO" when that happened.
  I was watching the news, and there was a segment about a violent break-in caught on a nanny cam. The robber brutally beat the home owner and it was caught by the newly installed nanny cam. Nixon happened to come into the living room (he was in the kitchen, eating dinner) and saw the video, he started laughing. I was crying because I was so upset that I couldn't get him to understand it was a real crime, a real person being hurt and not a made-up funny TV thing. He kept telling me "And he kicked her in the face HAHA"
    He eventually noticed I was sitting on the sofa, quietly crying. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that the lady on TV was badly hurt by a bad man. The police were trying to find the man that hurt her, which is why the video was being shown on TV. I told him, honestly, it hurt my heart that he was laughing and I was scared that he thought hurting people was funny. I then told him that lady was a mommy, like me, and her baby was in the room watching her get hurt.
    He said "Mommy, that's sad. Did the man hurt the baby too?" Thankfully, I could tell him the truth, no the baby was not hurt.
    Nixon said "Mommy, don't cry. The naughties (police in Nixonese) will find him and he'll go away." I hope it sunk in, I don't want him thinking hurting people is funny.

   Ugg....who knew this was the age I'd have to worry about this shit with him?!?!

"Mommy's brain is broken, kind of"...explaining things to a 4-year old so he understands them without being scared

  Last night Nixon had an extra late night. He stayed up until almost midnight! He was in bed with me watching a movie on TV being good and quiet. Since Mac was working I was okay with a slumber party/movie night in our bed.
   I had to go downstairs and take my medications for the night. I told Nixon I as running downstairs to get my meds and Nixon says "Mommy, I need meds too. I am sick." *sigh* This is when I have to explain to my 4-year old that my medications aren't for an illness but for my "broken brain".
me: Nixon, I take medication because my brain doesn't work right not because I'm sick.
Nixon: You brain is broken?
me: Yeah, kind of. It doesn't work like it's supposed to. The medicine helps it work like a regular person's brain. Like yours does.
Nixon: Because my brain isn't broken?
me: No, baby, your brain isn't broken.
Nixon: How did your brain break?
me: Oh, well, I didn't have a good childhood and my brain worked differently to help me deal with it. Now my brain thinks that's a proper way to function.
Nixon: But you brain is broken!
me: Yep, it doesn't know it is, but I realize it doesn't work like it should.
Nixon: Can I see you brain?
*I get on the bed so he can look at my head*
Nixon: I see it mommy! I see your broken brain. It's cracked right here *points*
me: Wow! You can really see it?!
Nixon: I'm going to kiss it, so you feel better. Then you can go take your medicine and be a good mommy for me, okay?
me: *almost tearing up* Okay, baby.

The more serious side of parenthood

    I'm spending the weekend with my best friend F. She's moving to California at the end of the month and we scheduled a special girls weekend for this weekend. The thing is, like most things in life, it didn't exactly go as planned.

   Without going into details, I ended up being in the right place to help F through something really rough. Then I had to try to explain it to her daughter without scaring it.


It ended up sounding like this:

   "Your mom is a little emotional right now. You know how, after you have a bad fall and scrape your knee, the first couple days it's really tender and sensitive? Well, your mom's heart is like that right now. Her heart is really raw and tender. She just wants to not talk about it because talking about it makes her think about it and that's like poking a new scab on a fresh scrape. It doesn't feel good right? She'll be okay, just today is like the first day her heart is hurt."

  It helped both of them, her daughter got an explanation for her mom's mood and her mom didn't have to face this meltdown alone. F and I had some good girl time earlier in the day. We went to breakfast, got facials (Ah-mazing!), came home, I had a nice nap and then the meltdown episode happened.

   In the end, my humor helped cheer F up...or at least make her laugh long enough to feel better for a little bit. That's what best friends are for, right?