My inner demons won't stop me from parenting my son how I see fit....and fuck you if you don't agree!

  I've struggled with writing this blog, for fear of the backlash, for a week now. I first went to a closed group on facebook looking for support and found judgement and condemnation. Last night, as fate saw fit to send me a kind and loving shoulder to lean on in the form of a BFF, I found the strength to be true to myself and confidant in my parenting choices.

   It started last weekend. After weeks of Nixon's behavior getting worse and worse, I'd finally had enough. We had tried everything: time outs, taking toys away, no tv time, taking everything away, talking to him about his behavior, rewards for good behavior. Nothing worked effectively. His behavior in public was becoming horrific, despite our repeated removing him from the store to the car as soon as he acted up.
  I finally had to make a decision I didn't want to and I fought desperately to avoid: I had to use spanking. But, I wasn't going straight into it, I was going to give warnings, chances to avoid the spanking and then only one spanking. I never spank out of anger. NEVER! If I can't rationally sit with Nixon and talk about why I spanked him, I won't do it. Spanking is not a means to control him, its a means to help him learn that his actions have consequences.
   Over that weekend, Nixon got a handful of spankings. Every single one of them, he got his warnings, continued to go about doing what he was doing, and got the resulting spanking. He gets a swat on the bottom, enough to make him realize we mean business, but I'm not aiming to leave marks on him.
   The one that really bothered me, and I felt made me "that" mom, happened Sunday night at the grocery store. Nixon was asked to help us do the shopping and stay out of the cart, without his PSP. A first, but I want him more connected to us and paying attention to us. He was doing really great for half the trip, he loved picking out the cats canned food! But, the empty frozen food aisle seemed to be a sirens call he couldn't resist. He slowly started to stray down the aisle, warning 1...started running down the aisle, warning 2....full-on bolted down the aisle, no more warning. He came over to me as soon as he saw me holding up 3 fingers, he knew what was coming. I realized there was no one around, I popped his ass right there in the ice cream section! His tears started, Mac and I took a couple minutes and calmed him down, talking to him (still in the frozen food section) about why he got the spanking and how he could avoid getting another one. He calmed down, and stayed right next to the cart with me the remaining time in the store.
 
 Am I proud I'm spanking my child? No. That's not the point of this. The point is, I'm parenting my child in a way that works for him and in doing so I'm putting my own personal conflicts behind me. It'd be easy for me to use my abusive childhood as a reason to not spank, and I admit I never intended to spank at all. But the more head strong and imaginative Nixon gets, the more difficult it is to punish him effectively. Time out became a time for him to play with his imagination. How do you tell a child to not play with his invisible friends, if he's staying in his time out area? He's not breaking the rules, he's being quiet, and doing his time, he's just having conversations with his "friends". You can't break a child's imagination. He was looking at the wall, like he was supposed to. He knew why he was in time out, he'd tell me why he was there. It just wasn't effective.

  The point is, since I made the decision to actively parent Nixon and use spankings, he's listening and paying attention. Last night we went to the airport to pick up Franny. Her flight came in around 1030pm, which is about an hour to an hour and a half past Nixon's normal bedtime. I was dreading it thinking he'd be a tired monster.
  I was wrong. He was a delight. Held my hand, listened to me, sat next to me while Franny grabbed her bags. The only time he got a little upset was when he had to stop playing with Aunt Franny because we reached the parking garage.
  A complete and total turn-around from a couple weeks ago.
  He's not a changed kid, he's still the same, but he knows to listen and do as he's told when asked because there are consequences. The warnings are enough now.

 I don't expect everyone to agree with my parenting choices. But I'm damned sick and fucking tired of being made to feel like a bad parent because I am being a fucking parent! I'm doing everything I can to help shape Nixon into a productive member of society and I'm not aiming to ruin him like I was ruined by abuse. It's a fine line, but I'm walking it with my head straight and my shoulders back. I want Nixon to know that his actions have consequences. It took only a few spankings for him to grasp that. I haven't had to spank him in 4 days now. I'm not saying spanking is the answer, but I'm also not going to let my child act up in public or set the rules at home because I'm too afraid to spank if that's the effective method.

   I can't expect Nixon to be a strong individual in himself, if I can't be a strong role model as a mother. 

the day my son turned into teenage girl

   Today, Nixon was a monster. Maybe it was because I'm coming down with a cold and have zero tolerance for his BS when I'm getting sick. Maybe it's because I didn't have my morning coffee. Or maybe it's because we were spending Sunday morning grocery shopping.
   Nope, it's definitely all on Nixon and his totally epic tantrum and sudden diva behavior.

   It started with Nixon whining and pouting about putting on his shirt. How on earth does child hit the exact wrong tone with mom when she's not feeling well? Seriously, whining and screeching that he "can't find the right hole!" He had his head in the right hole, but had the shirt twisted so the armholes were in the front and back of the shirt, instead of st his sides. Honest-to-gods, this was end of the world type shit!

   At the store he was pretty good, munching on his little bag of snacks most of the time, until he decided he wanted to get out. I normally don't have an issue with him helping me, but when he won't stay with me and it's stupid crowded, he's better sitting in that fucking beeping car-cart he begged for as we walked into the store than getting out and driving everyone (including dad and I) nuts. He did get back in and was content for the final few minutes of the shopping trip, with the assistance of the PSP. Yeah, judge me, I'd judge me too if I weren't trying to get out of the store with my sanity and dignity intact.

   All was good...until we were placing items on the belt at the register. Nixon decided he had enough and wanted to run around the store. Look, I get it. Shopping is really boring. I can only do so much to keep him entertained while I'm trying to compare prices and find items on my list and coupons. Plus Mac isn't great with crowds but he did let me sleep in and I hadn't finished the lists last night because I needed him to go over them with me.
   My final straw was Nixon telling me no he wasn't going to listen to me. I left the club card and coupons with Mac, grabbed my mouthy little boy and headed out of the store...right into a Matchbox cars display. Seriously, who at Safeway hates me?! Nixon stopped in his tracks, said "Mommy, I want a new car. It's so lovely" and then yelled "NO!" when I told him we were going to the car without a new car. On the way out, he did a lovely move. He dropped to his ass, and spun on the floor just lying there looking up at me like "I won, now what?!" Now what, turned out to be: me stopping, grabbing the PSP from his hand and putting it into my jacket pocket, picking Nixon up off the floor and carrying him out of the store. All in less than 10 seconds after he dropped to the floor. *a special thank you to the asshole that decided to park right on the line next to my car. I had to put Nixon in on the passengers side which is the side Mac sits on so there is not much room. with a child in mid-tantrum I don't exactly have time to move the seat up and get more room to maneuver.* Nixon was finally in his seat and he says "Mommy, you need to tell my you are sorry, because you made me cry." I asked him "Are you going to tell me you are sorry for acting out and lying down in the store?" He says "NO because you should have bought me the car" and that was when I said "NO, my little love, you are wrong. You need to listen to "no" and just accept it. Not throw a tantrum and think that you will get your way" He decided to stop talking to me after that.

   Later in the afternoon he started his dramatic ways again. More tears, more demands, more foot stomping and mood swings. I swear to gods, somehow my son changed from a 4-year-old boy to a teenage girl and I'm not happy about it. There's only room for one moody bitch in this house and I claim that honor! I have the vagina I get to be the moody bitch!

   I love him, but today was a rough one.

Family is forever...gods I hope I'm not lying to him about this.

....ah, Amber. I love to hate this damned cat! Here we are, a month later and we are still dealing with her nasty fits. We've done everything from get a pheromone plug-in for Nixon's room to keeping his door closed at all times to adding extra food and water dishes and most recently, adding a new litter box. Nothing seems to help!
   We'll get a break, where it'll seem like she's moved past it all, and then like tonight I'll walk into Nixon's bedroom and find a pile of cat shit on his bed waiting for us. The thing of it is, today, his bedroom door was closed! I had to open the door to get in! So now she's closing doors behind herself?!?! That doesn't make sense, right?
   Of course, I lose my damn cool! I'm so tired of washing Nixon's sheets, blankets, comforters.

*sigh* Not my best or brightest moment as a mom.

   Nixon was already upset that he didn't get a shower tonight. He was told it was shower time, he decided to tell me he wanted to wait. SO I let him wait...until it was bedtime. Then I told him it was bedtime and he flipped his shit because he suddenly wanted a shower. I'm picking my battles with him and he's not liking that I'm not on his ass 15,000 times to get in the shower. I told him once, twice and then when he still said "No, mommy, later" I decided that was cool. He can not take one tonight. He's going to learn.

   So, when I lost my shit over Amber's pile of shit on the bed Nixon lost his mind because he thought I was so mad I really meant all the mean and angry things I was saying about Amber.
 *deep breath*
  It took about fifteen minutes to get him calmed down and in bed. Our bed. Once he was calm, I talked to him. I told him that, even though I say mean things about Amber and even though she's still pooping on his bed, she's family and family is forever. We're not getting rid of Amber. The relief in his eyes, paired with his whimpering "Really?" said it all. I went too far and he really thought he'd wake up and Amber would be gone.
   I explained to him that just like him and Mac, Arwen and Amber are very important to me and part of our family. I told him my top loves went like this: Nixon & Mac, then Arwen, than Amber...no Bebe's after Arwen, then Amber. Nixon chuckled and asked me "Mommy, you love me and Daddy more than Arwen?" I told him "I do now." And I meant it.

   Family, this family I've made for myself, really is forever. I'm not always going to be madly in love with Mac or Nixon every minute of every day, but I don't see myself ever not loving either of them. Nixon is a no-brainer. He's my son, a piece of me, I'll always love him. Mac is more complicated. Our cats have been to Japan and back with us, they are our family. As much as Nixon and Mac can drive me nuts, Amber and Arwen can do the same thing just different ways, but they're in this family until they're no longer on this earth.
 Apparently Amber has decided to really test this motto.

  I don't know what else I can do to "fix" Amber's issues. I do know flipping out when Nixon is around isn't going to help any of us.

....and then I became that mom

   Nixon and I had a playdate today, our second with this particular group from meetup.com. We started in a play area at the local mall, then moved onto the reason we were all there, the bounce house play area! Nixon wanted nothing to do with the bounce houses, but he did enjoy the basketball game and (joy of mommy) the air hockey table! He asked me to play with him and he was actually good, keeping in mind he's almost 4 and it was his first time seeing the game. He was good with the paddle and puck and had decent concept of the game, though he did like knocking the puck into his own goal more than shooting for mine. 
   After the bounce house area we went to the food court for lunch, mostly uneventful time. I really enjoyed meeting a couple other moms and Nixon had fun with a few kids AND he wasn't the tallest kid there! (This is something I'm not familiar with lol)
   When it came time to break up and go our own ways, things went wonkey. Nixon rode a helicopter riding ride before we made the long trek back to the car. I stopped and let Nixon pick a splat toy from one of the kiosks. He had it, in the protective bag, when I entered a lotion store hoping to purchase a new body wash and matching lotion in a scent I've become obsessed with (coconut lime, in case anyone was wondering). While I was looking at the options, I suddenly hear Nixon exclaim "Oh no!" and turn to see that he has popped a hole in the toy through the protective bag and it had leaked all over himself and the floor! I quickly walk over to the sales attendant and apologize for the mess, asking if she had paper towels. She took it as I wanted her to clean it, while that was not my intent I couldn't focus on that because....Nixon had started flipping out over the leak! I took the toy from, apologized again and left the store, with a crying sad child holding my hand. When that stopped, the walking not the crying, I was then carrying a crying child! We, at one point, reached an area with no people around so I took advantage of it and threw the toy out. And the crying got worse! 
   Just about 10 minutes later (but it felt like forever to me!) we reached the exit. Nixon was still crying, now tossing out gems like "But mommy I'll be good!" and "It wasn't my fault" as we walked past strangers. He got put in the car, buckled up, given BeBe and we went home, where he eventually napped for 3 hours and the damned splat toy was never mentioned again.

   I'm the mom that had a child make a mess in the store and didn't buy anything from the store. I fully intend to, but next time I'm taking advantage of the in-mall child drop-off area. I won't be making this same mistake twice!    
   If you happened to have walked by my snotty, crying mess of a child while at the Westfield Mall in Annapolis....I'm sorry. But in my defense he wasn't screaming. For that, people at the mall, you are welcome!