It's been a long time since a conversation with Nixon has had me in tears, but tonight that's exactly what happened.
Nixon has been struggling. He's been having random mood swings since his cousin left after a visit last month. Anytime Mac or I would ask what's wrong, Nixon would say "I miss J" and start to cry, even if his outburst had nothing to do with J it was always his go-to response.
Tonight I finally stopped and listened to him. I heard what he was saying and let him say it. And it was heartbreaking.
In the past two days, Nixon's also mentioned his other cousin who moved to California earlier this year. He had spent a large amount of time with her as we had been living with her while her mom was out-of-town for military training over a span of two and a-half months.
After an epic meltdown over cleaning up his toys downstairs, Nixon and I went up to his room and we talked. Well, he cried and I held him. Then we talked. He told me he never wanted to make friends. I asked him why and he said "J left and he broke my heart. I miss him.", and my heart broke hearing his 4-year old logic. How do you argue with that?
I didn't argue. It's true. Friends leaving hurts. I know that firsthand.
I told him the truth: Missing someone is part of a greater thing. It means you've got love in your heart for the person you miss and that is amazing! I want you to make as many friends as you want, lots of friends or just a few very special friends like mommy has, but you have to have friends in your life. I want people to see the kind, loving, silly, amazing and wonderful boy I see every day and I want them to want to be in your life. But you have to let them in your heart. It's a risk, but it's worth the risk. Sometimes, your heart will hurt, it's part of life but the best part of life is the strength you get by bouncing back from pains in your heart. Right now, you have good memories of your time with J, hold onto those every time you miss him and you'll feel the love and smile in your heart and the pain of missing him won't be so bad. Making friends here, when you start school, will be better because they'll live here and not far away like J so they won't have to leave and you'll see them at school.
I closed it with: Please, please take the chance and make friends. You're so little and have so much life in front of you to say you won't make friends. Don't let fear stop you from being the brave and wonderful little boy I know you are.
We sat on the floor of his bedroom, he on my lap head lying on my chest, looking at the photo of him and J together. Nixon crying and myself on the verge of tears. Nixon got up and said he needed a tissue, he grabbed the toilet paper roll from the bathroom and brought it to me in his bedroom. I helped him blow his nose and he got into bed.
I came downstairs and told Mac about the conversation. He says "Is he 4 going on 16? He's growing up way too fast!"
Tell me about it, babe, tell me about it.
Tonight was by far the worst night about being so far from family.
Showing posts with label growing up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label growing up. Show all posts
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Saturday, July 20, 2013
"Please stop saying BOMB in public"....why the hell do I have to repeatedly tell this to my 4-year old?!?!
For some reason Nixon has suddenly become obsessed with "throwing bombs" and running. Not real bombs, mind you. But he wants to tell me "Mom, I just threw a bomb at you, you blew up." I know pretend play is just that, pretend, but there are so many uptight assholes in the world today that might overhear that and actually think my child has a bomb and do something drastic.
It's for that reason alone, I've started to tell Nixon, when he says anything about bombs, grenades or guns, in public "Nixon, it's okay to play pretend at home, but when we're out of the house you can't talk about those things. Some people won't know it's just pretend and they'll get very nervous and upset."
I'm trying to curb this new verbal habit of his before he starts preschool in the fall (fingers crossed that he gets a spot). I want him to thrive at school and I'm not totally sure what the school's policy is regarding things like gun-play, to be honest, I'd prefer it to be a non-issue. As in something I never have to worry about because Nixon does not have issues with it outside of the home. Mac has stopped playing video games while Nixon is awake, we're more vigilant about the shows watches because of his behaviors. He wasn't becoming violent, more he was acting desensitized to real-life violence finding it funny....that was a big red flag for me and I was straight up "HELL NO" when that happened.
I was watching the news, and there was a segment about a violent break-in caught on a nanny cam. The robber brutally beat the home owner and it was caught by the newly installed nanny cam. Nixon happened to come into the living room (he was in the kitchen, eating dinner) and saw the video, he started laughing. I was crying because I was so upset that I couldn't get him to understand it was a real crime, a real person being hurt and not a made-up funny TV thing. He kept telling me "And he kicked her in the face HAHA"
He eventually noticed I was sitting on the sofa, quietly crying. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that the lady on TV was badly hurt by a bad man. The police were trying to find the man that hurt her, which is why the video was being shown on TV. I told him, honestly, it hurt my heart that he was laughing and I was scared that he thought hurting people was funny. I then told him that lady was a mommy, like me, and her baby was in the room watching her get hurt.
He said "Mommy, that's sad. Did the man hurt the baby too?" Thankfully, I could tell him the truth, no the baby was not hurt.
Nixon said "Mommy, don't cry. The naughties (police in Nixonese) will find him and he'll go away." I hope it sunk in, I don't want him thinking hurting people is funny.
Ugg....who knew this was the age I'd have to worry about this shit with him?!?!
It's for that reason alone, I've started to tell Nixon, when he says anything about bombs, grenades or guns, in public "Nixon, it's okay to play pretend at home, but when we're out of the house you can't talk about those things. Some people won't know it's just pretend and they'll get very nervous and upset."
I'm trying to curb this new verbal habit of his before he starts preschool in the fall (fingers crossed that he gets a spot). I want him to thrive at school and I'm not totally sure what the school's policy is regarding things like gun-play, to be honest, I'd prefer it to be a non-issue. As in something I never have to worry about because Nixon does not have issues with it outside of the home. Mac has stopped playing video games while Nixon is awake, we're more vigilant about the shows watches because of his behaviors. He wasn't becoming violent, more he was acting desensitized to real-life violence finding it funny....that was a big red flag for me and I was straight up "HELL NO" when that happened.
I was watching the news, and there was a segment about a violent break-in caught on a nanny cam. The robber brutally beat the home owner and it was caught by the newly installed nanny cam. Nixon happened to come into the living room (he was in the kitchen, eating dinner) and saw the video, he started laughing. I was crying because I was so upset that I couldn't get him to understand it was a real crime, a real person being hurt and not a made-up funny TV thing. He kept telling me "And he kicked her in the face HAHA"
He eventually noticed I was sitting on the sofa, quietly crying. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that the lady on TV was badly hurt by a bad man. The police were trying to find the man that hurt her, which is why the video was being shown on TV. I told him, honestly, it hurt my heart that he was laughing and I was scared that he thought hurting people was funny. I then told him that lady was a mommy, like me, and her baby was in the room watching her get hurt.
He said "Mommy, that's sad. Did the man hurt the baby too?" Thankfully, I could tell him the truth, no the baby was not hurt.
Nixon said "Mommy, don't cry. The naughties (police in Nixonese) will find him and he'll go away." I hope it sunk in, I don't want him thinking hurting people is funny.
Ugg....who knew this was the age I'd have to worry about this shit with him?!?!
Saturday, May 18, 2013
My little self-dictator
As a parent, a mother especially I believe, it's hard to face reality and accept that your child may have "issues" and seek to get them help. It's common to get feedback from well-meaning strangers, friends and family members like "Oh, it's a phase" or "Well, what do you expect, you spend too much time with him" and other shit along those lines.
Recently, while facing the reality that Nixon will be going into some kind of Pre-Kindergarten this fall, I've also been faced with his less than perfect behaviors and took the first step to see if these were real "issues" on a larger scale or if they were, in fact, just a phase.
The county we live in offers evaluations for learning and behavioral disabilities through a program called Child Find. While this info is not easy to find, on your own without guidance from the school system, it is there if you are like me and willing to spend hours scouring the Internet searching for public resources. I finally made an appointment, after explaining my concerns for Wednesday May 15th.
What were my concerns? Nixon is easily frustrated by new tasks to the point of tantrums, he has some speech issues, he's very sensitive to sounds,he's very focused on things being done "right" if he thinks it's wrong everything is ruined. To someone else, these would seem small and like I'm overreacting but put them all together and on any given day Nixon is a ticking time-bomb in a new environment.
We met with the evaluator and were taken to a small classroom setup. Nixon was given a few small tasks to complete, puzzles and things of that nature, while Mac and I spoke to the evaluator about our (mostly mine) concerns. After talking to us for roughly 20 minutes, during which time Nixon completed an advanced puzzle meant to occupy him for several minutes in less than one minute, she went to spend time with Nixon one-on-one. This was when I had to focus on filling out paperwork and tune them out because I needed to resist the urge to correct Nixon's behavior. He wasn't being horrible, he was just forgetting his "please" and "thank you"s while he was constantly saying "I can't do it" a favorite phrase of his before he does a new and unfamiliar task and more than once being bossy. But this was why he was being evaluated and he was told to be himself, much like he would be in a classroom.
He didn't like when the tasks had to change, for example switching from cutting paper to drawing suddenly. He wanted more time building blocks. He displayed his "this is ruined" behavior when he found a broken peg, but didn't flip out because it was quickly removed from his sight. He was able to hear a classroom of students through the wall and asked why they were "being so loud", the evaluator said they were learning like he was and he said "they should do it quieter, they are being too loud"...she looked over his shoulder at me and gave kind of a knowing "Oh I see" glance. He was able to copy building block patterns she made, even a more advanced setup that she didn't expect he would be able to complete...he did!
She made notes of his language the whole time. With the exception of his "th" sounding like "f" at the end of words mostly, which is age appropriate, he is fine with language and can carry on exceptionally well for his age. He is above age-level for grammar, with his sentence structure of "Excuse me, may I please play with this box now?" according to the evaluator. I just thought I was teaching my child to be polite, I never gave a second-thought to sentence structure.
One of the funniest moments came during the verbal analogy part. She'd give Nixon an analogy and ask him to complete it. The first one was "Food is for eating, Milk is for_____", expecting drinking. Nope, Nixon says "cow". So she repeats it and he says "cow" again, she tries a third time and Nixon says "I said milk is for COW", she moved on and he did fine on the next 3 analogies, even correcting himself with a more appropriate word at one point: "My hand is big, your hand is____" Nixon first said "little" but then said "No, wait...my hand is small." She was impressed that he would correct himself like that.
After all was said and done, she sat down with Mac and I again and went over her findings. She does not see anything that leads her to believe Nixon has a learning disability, first and foremost. He has no signs of being on the autism spectrum either. He does have sensory perception disorder with sounds, but we've got a firm understanding on that and are handling it appropriately at the moment.* Nixon is showing signs of being very bright, above age-level intellectually wise but (there's always a but right?) he has behavioral issues which can pose problems in a classroom environment.
Nixon is self-dictated. He's happiest when he's setting the pace on what he's learning and doing. Which is no surprise to me, I saw him learn how to walk independently in a matter hours when he decided he was ready and potty training was the same way. When he was ready, he went from pull-ups to undies in a couple weeks...full-time, no accidents overnight even! Self-dictated? Yeah, I can see that!
But he's not good with taking directions. Which will undoubtedly be an issue in a classroom. He's so damned bright, I want him to love school but he won't if he's getting in trouble for not listening to his teacher. Which is why the evaluator referred us to another program BEST (Behavioral/Emotional Support and Training) to help us learn how to help him control that now before he's in school.
Overall, it was a good evaluation. Until the end. We'd mentioned Nixon's epic tantrums that happen when he's told to do something he just does not want to do. Well, he did not want to leave when our appointment was over. And he let it be known...by screeching at the top of his lungs! I was my usual calm, I've-shut-down-because-I-need-to-check-out-and-just-deal-with-him-non-emotionally-right-now self, and the evaluator and her boss both asked if this behavior was normal, and of course we replied, "When he doesn't get what he wants and a distraction doesn't work, yep, this is normal" I'm glad they got to see it. It's important they see all the behavioral issues we'd mentioned, and they're going to pass their notes onto their Occupational Therapist as well.
* I've been worried, especially since I only have one child, that I might be over-indulging Nixon and making his issues worst unintentionally. When going shopping or to a restaurant, we have his PSP with shows on it so he can watch that and focus on the familiarise of his shows rather than the noises around him. I had been worried that I was helping him "check out" of reality, but the Child Find head behaviorist actual said, given how she had been witnessing Nixon in the classroom setting, giving him something else to focus on is great. He's still out in public, getting to do things like eating out and helping with the grocery shopping, when he's comfortable enough, but he's not overwhelmed by the surroundings all-at-once. By having something for him to focus on, that we know works to keep him focused, we're providing him safety from the chaos he would otherwise be going through. The fact that I will also take him outside and let him decompress away from the site and sounds of a busy diner, is another good thing I'm doing for him. I'm not punishing him, for getting overwhelmed, I'm giving him a chance to regather himself.
It's been hard to see Nixon struggle and not know if it's me causing the issues or if he's had genuine issues. To get actual professional opinions about him has helped. We know where to go from here, how to help him and what steps to take to help make him successful when he enters school. It's hard to admit your child isn't perfect and might need help, but the very best thing for your child is to get them that help early so they can be successful later in life.
Recently, while facing the reality that Nixon will be going into some kind of Pre-Kindergarten this fall, I've also been faced with his less than perfect behaviors and took the first step to see if these were real "issues" on a larger scale or if they were, in fact, just a phase.
The county we live in offers evaluations for learning and behavioral disabilities through a program called Child Find. While this info is not easy to find, on your own without guidance from the school system, it is there if you are like me and willing to spend hours scouring the Internet searching for public resources. I finally made an appointment, after explaining my concerns for Wednesday May 15th.
What were my concerns? Nixon is easily frustrated by new tasks to the point of tantrums, he has some speech issues, he's very sensitive to sounds,he's very focused on things being done "right" if he thinks it's wrong everything is ruined. To someone else, these would seem small and like I'm overreacting but put them all together and on any given day Nixon is a ticking time-bomb in a new environment.
We met with the evaluator and were taken to a small classroom setup. Nixon was given a few small tasks to complete, puzzles and things of that nature, while Mac and I spoke to the evaluator about our (mostly mine) concerns. After talking to us for roughly 20 minutes, during which time Nixon completed an advanced puzzle meant to occupy him for several minutes in less than one minute, she went to spend time with Nixon one-on-one. This was when I had to focus on filling out paperwork and tune them out because I needed to resist the urge to correct Nixon's behavior. He wasn't being horrible, he was just forgetting his "please" and "thank you"s while he was constantly saying "I can't do it" a favorite phrase of his before he does a new and unfamiliar task and more than once being bossy. But this was why he was being evaluated and he was told to be himself, much like he would be in a classroom.
He didn't like when the tasks had to change, for example switching from cutting paper to drawing suddenly. He wanted more time building blocks. He displayed his "this is ruined" behavior when he found a broken peg, but didn't flip out because it was quickly removed from his sight. He was able to hear a classroom of students through the wall and asked why they were "being so loud", the evaluator said they were learning like he was and he said "they should do it quieter, they are being too loud"...she looked over his shoulder at me and gave kind of a knowing "Oh I see" glance. He was able to copy building block patterns she made, even a more advanced setup that she didn't expect he would be able to complete...he did!
She made notes of his language the whole time. With the exception of his "th" sounding like "f" at the end of words mostly, which is age appropriate, he is fine with language and can carry on exceptionally well for his age. He is above age-level for grammar, with his sentence structure of "Excuse me, may I please play with this box now?" according to the evaluator. I just thought I was teaching my child to be polite, I never gave a second-thought to sentence structure.
One of the funniest moments came during the verbal analogy part. She'd give Nixon an analogy and ask him to complete it. The first one was "Food is for eating, Milk is for_____", expecting drinking. Nope, Nixon says "cow". So she repeats it and he says "cow" again, she tries a third time and Nixon says "I said milk is for COW", she moved on and he did fine on the next 3 analogies, even correcting himself with a more appropriate word at one point: "My hand is big, your hand is____" Nixon first said "little" but then said "No, wait...my hand is small." She was impressed that he would correct himself like that.
After all was said and done, she sat down with Mac and I again and went over her findings. She does not see anything that leads her to believe Nixon has a learning disability, first and foremost. He has no signs of being on the autism spectrum either. He does have sensory perception disorder with sounds, but we've got a firm understanding on that and are handling it appropriately at the moment.* Nixon is showing signs of being very bright, above age-level intellectually wise but (there's always a but right?) he has behavioral issues which can pose problems in a classroom environment.
Nixon is self-dictated. He's happiest when he's setting the pace on what he's learning and doing. Which is no surprise to me, I saw him learn how to walk independently in a matter hours when he decided he was ready and potty training was the same way. When he was ready, he went from pull-ups to undies in a couple weeks...full-time, no accidents overnight even! Self-dictated? Yeah, I can see that!
But he's not good with taking directions. Which will undoubtedly be an issue in a classroom. He's so damned bright, I want him to love school but he won't if he's getting in trouble for not listening to his teacher. Which is why the evaluator referred us to another program BEST (Behavioral/Emotional Support and Training) to help us learn how to help him control that now before he's in school.
Overall, it was a good evaluation. Until the end. We'd mentioned Nixon's epic tantrums that happen when he's told to do something he just does not want to do. Well, he did not want to leave when our appointment was over. And he let it be known...by screeching at the top of his lungs! I was my usual calm, I've-shut-down-because-I-need-to-check-out-and-just-deal-with-him-non-emotionally-right-now self, and the evaluator and her boss both asked if this behavior was normal, and of course we replied, "When he doesn't get what he wants and a distraction doesn't work, yep, this is normal" I'm glad they got to see it. It's important they see all the behavioral issues we'd mentioned, and they're going to pass their notes onto their Occupational Therapist as well.
* I've been worried, especially since I only have one child, that I might be over-indulging Nixon and making his issues worst unintentionally. When going shopping or to a restaurant, we have his PSP with shows on it so he can watch that and focus on the familiarise of his shows rather than the noises around him. I had been worried that I was helping him "check out" of reality, but the Child Find head behaviorist actual said, given how she had been witnessing Nixon in the classroom setting, giving him something else to focus on is great. He's still out in public, getting to do things like eating out and helping with the grocery shopping, when he's comfortable enough, but he's not overwhelmed by the surroundings all-at-once. By having something for him to focus on, that we know works to keep him focused, we're providing him safety from the chaos he would otherwise be going through. The fact that I will also take him outside and let him decompress away from the site and sounds of a busy diner, is another good thing I'm doing for him. I'm not punishing him, for getting overwhelmed, I'm giving him a chance to regather himself.
It's been hard to see Nixon struggle and not know if it's me causing the issues or if he's had genuine issues. To get actual professional opinions about him has helped. We know where to go from here, how to help him and what steps to take to help make him successful when he enters school. It's hard to admit your child isn't perfect and might need help, but the very best thing for your child is to get them that help early so they can be successful later in life.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
This is a selfish post about me and my own issues....good and bad, with a little parenting tip at the end.
Since the first of January, I've steadily been losing weight. I'm not doing anything significant. No working out, no real diet plan (though for the first month I did eat a lot of fruits, veggies and salads to really kickstart the weight loss). The biggest thing I've done is make a commitment to use myfitnesspal.com daily and track my caloric intake.
Around Christmas time I realized my weight was creeping up over and past my comfortable heavy point. I decided after the holidays and starting January 1st, I was going to stick to something. Calorie counting was it, as a starting point. I also cut back on sugary snacks, soda and fast foods.
In January I lost almost 7 pounds.
In February, I lost 4 pounds.
March it all kind of tapered off, with a total loss of 2.5 pounds lost.
As off Monday this week, I've lost 15 total pounds. The most amazing reality of all this weight loss struck me yesterday after I got dressed. I've always been pear-shaped. It's my reality. Even when I was in my late-teens and early-20's, weighing not even 100 pounds (and struggling with poor self-image issues) I was always thicker on the bottom.
**I never really noticed, until one day while out with my then-boyfriend and his friends, one of his friends asked me, who at the time was probably only about 90-95 pounds, while wearing shorts at an amusement park "Why do your thighs rub together when you walk?". I remember, at that very moment I became very, very aware of my thighs touching and my perception of myself was suddenly very ruined. I never felt thin enough, pretty enough or tall enough. I couldn't fix my height, but I could fix my weight. Being only 5 feet, 1 inch tall I am a naturally petite person. I'm also naturally pear-shaped. At 18-22 years old, I couldn't appreciate my naturally curvy body because the people I surrounded myself with broke each other down instead of building each other up, like I later found out real friends do.
I spent several years hiding my lower body, while showing off my chest. It made no sense, but I didn't know any better, I didn't have any positive role models in my life at the time. As a result, I'm kind of permanently damaged when it comes to my self-esteem and how I see myself. The smallest, negative comment about my looks can send me into a downward spiral of self-doubt. Seriously, the smallest negative comment. It could be made in jest, but I'll hear it in a serious tone and take it as such. Luckily, I now have a supportive husband and some really great friends I can turn too and get some great, loving advice from when these comments happen.**
I put on my jeans yesterday, knowing they were looser, and feeling comfortable in them as a result. It was gorgeous outside, so I was even rocking a cute tank top, first of the season! I noticed, walking over to Mac's Geek Corner, my thighs don't rub! Not even in the jeans!
I don't know about most moms, but for me, this was total proof that the weight loss wasn't just numbers on a scale going down! That was concrete proof that I'm making real progress!
I've had bumps in the road, I've had weeks when my weight went up a bit and I've had trips to Taco Bell (mmmmm....those ranch doritos tacos!!) and even McDonald's. But the thing I've learned is moderation. I don't NEED to go large, a small is just fine. If I'm craving ice cream, I'll stick to the serving size. Or I'll make a smoothie instead.
It's hard, but well worth the effort.
Sorry, this blog wasn't about parenting exactly, but as a mom I struggled with my identity and image. Being able to look and feel good, I think helps me be a better mom. Also, I know how to help Nixon be a good friend, not the negative ones I had in my life for so long. I want him to build his friends up, not tear them down. Especially young girls, the smallest comment can have a lifelong impact on them. Sadly, I'm proof of that.
Around Christmas time I realized my weight was creeping up over and past my comfortable heavy point. I decided after the holidays and starting January 1st, I was going to stick to something. Calorie counting was it, as a starting point. I also cut back on sugary snacks, soda and fast foods.
In January I lost almost 7 pounds.
In February, I lost 4 pounds.
March it all kind of tapered off, with a total loss of 2.5 pounds lost.
As off Monday this week, I've lost 15 total pounds. The most amazing reality of all this weight loss struck me yesterday after I got dressed. I've always been pear-shaped. It's my reality. Even when I was in my late-teens and early-20's, weighing not even 100 pounds (and struggling with poor self-image issues) I was always thicker on the bottom.
**I never really noticed, until one day while out with my then-boyfriend and his friends, one of his friends asked me, who at the time was probably only about 90-95 pounds, while wearing shorts at an amusement park "Why do your thighs rub together when you walk?". I remember, at that very moment I became very, very aware of my thighs touching and my perception of myself was suddenly very ruined. I never felt thin enough, pretty enough or tall enough. I couldn't fix my height, but I could fix my weight. Being only 5 feet, 1 inch tall I am a naturally petite person. I'm also naturally pear-shaped. At 18-22 years old, I couldn't appreciate my naturally curvy body because the people I surrounded myself with broke each other down instead of building each other up, like I later found out real friends do.
I spent several years hiding my lower body, while showing off my chest. It made no sense, but I didn't know any better, I didn't have any positive role models in my life at the time. As a result, I'm kind of permanently damaged when it comes to my self-esteem and how I see myself. The smallest, negative comment about my looks can send me into a downward spiral of self-doubt. Seriously, the smallest negative comment. It could be made in jest, but I'll hear it in a serious tone and take it as such. Luckily, I now have a supportive husband and some really great friends I can turn too and get some great, loving advice from when these comments happen.**
I put on my jeans yesterday, knowing they were looser, and feeling comfortable in them as a result. It was gorgeous outside, so I was even rocking a cute tank top, first of the season! I noticed, walking over to Mac's Geek Corner, my thighs don't rub! Not even in the jeans!
I don't know about most moms, but for me, this was total proof that the weight loss wasn't just numbers on a scale going down! That was concrete proof that I'm making real progress!
I've had bumps in the road, I've had weeks when my weight went up a bit and I've had trips to Taco Bell (mmmmm....those ranch doritos tacos!!) and even McDonald's. But the thing I've learned is moderation. I don't NEED to go large, a small is just fine. If I'm craving ice cream, I'll stick to the serving size. Or I'll make a smoothie instead.
It's hard, but well worth the effort.
Sorry, this blog wasn't about parenting exactly, but as a mom I struggled with my identity and image. Being able to look and feel good, I think helps me be a better mom. Also, I know how to help Nixon be a good friend, not the negative ones I had in my life for so long. I want him to build his friends up, not tear them down. Especially young girls, the smallest comment can have a lifelong impact on them. Sadly, I'm proof of that.
Monday, January 21, 2013
The saddest day as a mom so far
Every mom knows there comes a day their child will say something just to hurt them. I never expected to hear it come out of my precious 4-year old's mouth, but I knew I wouldn't be the only mom on earth to not hear it.
Tonight, after Nixon's shower and after he was told it was bedtime, Nixon turned to me and said "I don't like you, Mommy." Simple as that, not hate-fueled, just very matter-of-factually in the same sweet tone he uses to say "i love you". I was shocked, I was hurt, I was heart-broken. What I was not, was angry. Anger wasn't going to get me anywhere in this situation.
We stayed in my bed for a minute longer, while Nixon continued to profess his "bossy" ways. I told him, very quietly and calmly, that his words hurt my heart a lot and they made me very sad. I didn't force an apology out of him, I didn't yell or do anything really. I was just very hurt, and shocked, that he said that to me over something he knew was coming! I make sure I give him advance warning on bedtime.
He brushes his teeth, gets onto his bed and sits there.
He says to me, very quietly while he's fidgeting with his BeBe, "Mommy, I sorry I was bossy."
I say to him "Nixon, I'm used to you being bossy. That's part of you being 4, being a little boy. What made me sad, made my heart sad was when you said you don't like me."
Nixon said "I was only being bossy."
I replied, "Nixon, that wasn't bossy baby. That was very mean."
I gave him a kiss on the forehead and started tucking him into bed. Nixon puts his hand on my cheek and says "Mommy, I'm sorry I hurt your heart. I love you. Your my best friend."
I tell him "Thank you for apologizing baby. I love you too! You are my favorite baby boy!"
I know he's going to say things to hurt me as he gets older. I said far worst things to my parents, but to be fair my parents were far worst parents than Mac and I are to Nixon, while I was growing up. I hope this is as bad as it gets.
Tonight, after Nixon's shower and after he was told it was bedtime, Nixon turned to me and said "I don't like you, Mommy." Simple as that, not hate-fueled, just very matter-of-factually in the same sweet tone he uses to say "i love you". I was shocked, I was hurt, I was heart-broken. What I was not, was angry. Anger wasn't going to get me anywhere in this situation.
We stayed in my bed for a minute longer, while Nixon continued to profess his "bossy" ways. I told him, very quietly and calmly, that his words hurt my heart a lot and they made me very sad. I didn't force an apology out of him, I didn't yell or do anything really. I was just very hurt, and shocked, that he said that to me over something he knew was coming! I make sure I give him advance warning on bedtime.
He brushes his teeth, gets onto his bed and sits there.
He says to me, very quietly while he's fidgeting with his BeBe, "Mommy, I sorry I was bossy."
I say to him "Nixon, I'm used to you being bossy. That's part of you being 4, being a little boy. What made me sad, made my heart sad was when you said you don't like me."
Nixon said "I was only being bossy."
I replied, "Nixon, that wasn't bossy baby. That was very mean."
I gave him a kiss on the forehead and started tucking him into bed. Nixon puts his hand on my cheek and says "Mommy, I'm sorry I hurt your heart. I love you. Your my best friend."
I tell him "Thank you for apologizing baby. I love you too! You are my favorite baby boy!"
I know he's going to say things to hurt me as he gets older. I said far worst things to my parents, but to be fair my parents were far worst parents than Mac and I are to Nixon, while I was growing up. I hope this is as bad as it gets.
 |
| broke my heart and made it better, just by using that little mouth of his. |
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Pardon me but you mistakenly replaced my baby with this grown-ass child and I'd like my baby back!
A few weeks ago, Mac and I discussed what to do with Nixon's hair. It was growing long again and it turns out, he's got some thick and curly hair (like mine) which does not handle the humidity of the island very well. His whole head sweats, pretty much within minutes of being outside. His hair starts to curl in the back and the summer was only beginning to get hot. I had wanted to let it grow out. But, once again, I agreed to let Mac make a parenting call when he suggested we take Nixon for a REAL haircut this week. I knew it was in Nixon's best interest, because going from hot outside to cool inside with wet hair was only begging for him to get sick at some point...but I hated how freaking upset he got last time we took him to get his haircut.
So, yesterday during his nap, I snuck out and hit the store. I bought: 2 brand new Cars 2 shirts for him (1 that he'd get to choose and wear to his haircut in the morning), 3 new toy cars and a bag of candy he'd never had before but that I deemed safe enough for him to have. The toys and candy got put into his new backpack (which he likes) and the shirts hidden until this morning. Now, to some it sounds like I spoil Nixon, but after his meltdown last time we got his hair cut at the barber shop and how much LOUDER he's gotten in the months since, I prefer to think of it as well-prepared.
This morning Mac came home from work (he had a quick trip in for awards and the usual bullshit waste of an hour plus drive time), we all got ready and off we went. Nixon was excited to see his new tee shirts and got dressed with little fight. A couple pieces of candy got Nixon into the barber shop and the new cars kept him occupied while we waited for a chair to open for him. (Well, we did have one time out in the hallway because he got loud and wouldn't calm down, but it wasn't too bad and it was only once).
Nixon sat on my lap, with his new truck in his hand and accepted pieces of candy from Mac occasionally while getting his haircut. He didn't cry, or squirm (too much), or yell. He sat quietly and played with his truck and watched in the mirror as his hair was cut. He watched it pile up on the smock around him and on the floor at his feet. He was amazing! I'd ask him "You okay Nix?" and he'd reply "yeah I okay".
Then I looked in the mirror.
I saw me and I saw a child that might have been Nixon on my lap, except he looked much older than Nixon. My baby was gone. In his place was a grown child.
Nixon was done. He said "arigato" and gave the woman who cut his hair a tip. She squeezed my arm and said "okay momma?". I said "sure" and smiled. It wasn't until we were walking down the area outside of the barber shop, Mac next to me Nixon happily taking off a little ahead of us, that I felt the tears welling up! He looked too old! Too grown up! Too....not my baby anymore.
Nixon reminded me of someone, with his new short haircut, but I couldn't place it. Not until we got home and I was playing with the pictures I'd taken for this blog. He looks very similar to my nephew Adam, the last time I saw him. Adam was 4.5 when I saw him last and his hair was cut like Nixon's is now. There's a very strong family resemblance between the two, I can see it now. It made me miss Adam (who's with his father out of state, not deceased, just to clear any confusion up), but it also made me see Nixon as a little kid and not just my baby.
And now....... the pictures!!
Mac asked Nixon where his hair was, during a diaper change. Nixon's response?? "Hair gone". That it is, my friend, that it is.
So, yesterday during his nap, I snuck out and hit the store. I bought: 2 brand new Cars 2 shirts for him (1 that he'd get to choose and wear to his haircut in the morning), 3 new toy cars and a bag of candy he'd never had before but that I deemed safe enough for him to have. The toys and candy got put into his new backpack (which he likes) and the shirts hidden until this morning. Now, to some it sounds like I spoil Nixon, but after his meltdown last time we got his hair cut at the barber shop and how much LOUDER he's gotten in the months since, I prefer to think of it as well-prepared.
This morning Mac came home from work (he had a quick trip in for awards and the usual bullshit waste of an hour plus drive time), we all got ready and off we went. Nixon was excited to see his new tee shirts and got dressed with little fight. A couple pieces of candy got Nixon into the barber shop and the new cars kept him occupied while we waited for a chair to open for him. (Well, we did have one time out in the hallway because he got loud and wouldn't calm down, but it wasn't too bad and it was only once).
Nixon sat on my lap, with his new truck in his hand and accepted pieces of candy from Mac occasionally while getting his haircut. He didn't cry, or squirm (too much), or yell. He sat quietly and played with his truck and watched in the mirror as his hair was cut. He watched it pile up on the smock around him and on the floor at his feet. He was amazing! I'd ask him "You okay Nix?" and he'd reply "yeah I okay".
Then I looked in the mirror.
I saw me and I saw a child that might have been Nixon on my lap, except he looked much older than Nixon. My baby was gone. In his place was a grown child.
Nixon was done. He said "arigato" and gave the woman who cut his hair a tip. She squeezed my arm and said "okay momma?". I said "sure" and smiled. It wasn't until we were walking down the area outside of the barber shop, Mac next to me Nixon happily taking off a little ahead of us, that I felt the tears welling up! He looked too old! Too grown up! Too....not my baby anymore.
Nixon reminded me of someone, with his new short haircut, but I couldn't place it. Not until we got home and I was playing with the pictures I'd taken for this blog. He looks very similar to my nephew Adam, the last time I saw him. Adam was 4.5 when I saw him last and his hair was cut like Nixon's is now. There's a very strong family resemblance between the two, I can see it now. It made me miss Adam (who's with his father out of state, not deceased, just to clear any confusion up), but it also made me see Nixon as a little kid and not just my baby.
And now....... the pictures!!
Mac asked Nixon where his hair was, during a diaper change. Nixon's response?? "Hair gone". That it is, my friend, that it is.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
"Everyone has stuff that no one can see"
Sometimes the only way to learn from the past and move beyond it, is to stop hiding the truth. There's a new music video out that's been causing a stir, because much like almost everything in society today, parents are claiming it glamorizes a disturbing behavior. The video is Pink's Fucken Perfect.
The uproar is not the F-bomb being said multiple times, though I'm sure that does irk people. Instead people are upset by the disturbing bathtub scene in the video. The cutting/self-mutilation scene. GASP! I said it, I called it what it is. Its becoming an epidemic among our teens and young adults but we still want to pretend it'll never happen to our kid. If Pink never showed those images, little Sally would never have thought of it, right? Wrong, because little Sally already bears the scars from this behavior.
The numbers read like this:
Statistically, cutting occurs most often in female teens and young female adults. One such study, done by the British Medical Journal, estimated that 13% of teen between the ages of 15-16 were participating in some form of cutting or self-injury behavior. In the United States, it is estimated that one in every 200 females between the ages of 13 and 19 have tried cutting or are currently cutting. Typically cutters come from homes where physical abuse, alcoholism or sexual abuse has occured.
Medical Health America and Discovery Health report that during the past decade, 1%, or over 2 million people in the U.S. have been involved in cutting or self-injury behavior
(http://www.scottcounseling.com/wordpress/cutting-and-self-mutalation-statistics/2010/09/13/)
So there's some actual numbers, facts and a bit of research I did in less than 5 minutes. But who cares, right? Who actually knows someone who's cut themselves? These people, the cutters, they're all freaks who wear all black and hate the world, right?
Actually, there's some truth to that. I know I wore black and hated the world when I first cut myself. I also know I was in an abusive home, an emotionally co-dependent relationship from the age of 16 which later because mentally abusive, I felt alone, I was an outcast at high school for the most part and.....my parents knew what I was doing. I remember sitting in the living room, razor blade in my hand, cutting my leg in front of my parents and all I was told was "don't get blood on the carpet". Its a wonder, and a testament to my own determination to get the hell away from my parents without hurting the rest of my family (especially my sister) that I never killed myself. Balls to the wall serious, it was that bad more than once by the time I was 18 years old.
Only a handful of people, before I publish this blog, knew this about me. I have scars on my thighs, ankles and inner bicep. All on the right side of my body, which is odd since I'm right handed. They've faded as I've gotten older, but I still know they are there. I have one in particular that I have occasionally caressed almost lovingly because its the deepest and also the last time I ever cut myself. It's on my thigh, very few people have seen it and if they have seen it they never ask about it. I appreciate the privacy allowed to it. It's personal and I'll share when/if I'm ready to.
The thing is, I was never alone. As I learned today from a surprising conversation with a loved one, we're never as alone with our life experiences as we think we are. We just never know who to open up to because our secrets are so controversial, if that's the right way to describe it. How do you know who to turn to when everyone around you seems to have their shit together?
I've been shattered, broken, bruised and ruined. I've had to make peace, forgive and let go of so much more than I ever want to admit to. I'm a firm believer in Karma, but I had to ask sometimes, what did I do that was so horrific THIS can be justified to come back to me? I never quite know the answer. Because for all the bad things I've had done to me by people I've loved, I have been the person responsible for most of the damage to myself. It hurts like hell to realize that. Choices I made put me in bad situations, bad situations left me in bad places, bad places put me in worst circumstances for a while it felt like it'd never end. And it wouldn't have if I didn't find the courage to end the pattern.
I was told I inspired someone. I'm an inspiration?!?! This person has 2 of the most amazing role models in his/her life and I'm an inspiration to him/her?!?! It shook me. It shocked me. It flattered me. But most of all, it made me realize someone else sees a me I don't see. When I look in the mirror I see a damaged, abused, tired, fake of a person. I feel like I spend most of my time pretending to be whole. But the reality is: I am whole, I just have scars. Scars are just healed wounds. The wounds are gone but the memory remains. I'm plagued by memories but my wounds have healed. I haven't forgotten the lessons they've taught me but it might be time to stop letting the scars control me.
Part of doing that, just might be opening up and letting people see my secrets. I have many secrets but to keep quiet about them gives them power. Today's secret is: I used to cut myself to make myself feel something. I was so numb from the high school bullshit that I put up to the shitty home I lived in. The only way I could survive day-to-day was to become numb to it all and the only way to remind myself I was still alive was to cut. It won't make sense to you unless you've been in a similar situation.
I'm rising above it. I've stopped being a victim. I've opened up to love, really love, someone. I've even bound my life with someone else through a child. A child that I am trying desperately to NOT screw up. I might fail at some things, but I will not fail him.
Shows like 16 & Pregnant, Teen Mom and even this video from Pink can all be used to open communication between parents and kids, if the parents stop pretending this stuff only happens to other kids, in other cities, in other states. Instead of blasting this topics and accusing them destroying innocence of youth how about realizing there are messages to learn from and learn. If I can only have one goal as a mother for Nixon, I want it to be that he learns from my mistakes, but he will never do that if he never knows about them. I have to find a balance between TMI and sheltering to keep him from making a mistake he can't recover from. Sadly, I'm almost abnormal in everything I've accomplished so far in life. There are so many statistics out there that would tell you I CAN'T do what I've done from where I've been and what I've done. And it pisses me off because kids in situations exactly like what I was in hear this shit and assume that'll never do any better so why try, right?? WRONG! Fight for it, get out and fight like hell to get as far away as possible!!
I'm not that fucken special. I just hate being told I can't do something and I'm too stubborn to give up sometimes. Its not my best quality, but look how far I've come.
My parents married at 19/20 years old, they had me at 20/21 and my sister 15 months later, struggled financially all my life, I have a alcoholic parent who is also bi-polar, my parents separated for 6 months only to get back together and send my sister and I to live with their parents for a year while they "fixed" their marriage (guess since we were only the result of the marriage we didn't need to be included), I was in an abusive relationship at the age of 15, I did graduate high school, went to college, then dropped out for 2 years. Here's where I started fighting back...I went back to school after the time off. I graduated with a 2 year degree then went on immediately to get a 4 year degree! I left an almost 9 year relationship and moved over 500 miles away from home knowing only one person in that city.
I'm now almost 32 years old. I'm married (3 years in March!), I'm a mom to one helluva kiddo. I have an amazing circle of friends who I love more than most of my family and who see me for me, not my scars. I have family members who hold my secrets in their heart and don't judge me for them. Instead they support me and give me the unconditional love family should give each other. I've cut many ties from my past and I continue to let people who are less than stellar come and go from my life. I've survived!
I'm not cured, but I'm whole.
The uproar is not the F-bomb being said multiple times, though I'm sure that does irk people. Instead people are upset by the disturbing bathtub scene in the video. The cutting/self-mutilation scene. GASP! I said it, I called it what it is. Its becoming an epidemic among our teens and young adults but we still want to pretend it'll never happen to our kid. If Pink never showed those images, little Sally would never have thought of it, right? Wrong, because little Sally already bears the scars from this behavior.
The numbers read like this:
- 90% of self-injury individuals begin harming themselves during their teen years or younger.
- Cutting and other self-injury behavior crosses all cultures and socio-economic norms.
- Cutting and self-injury is a method used by individuals to take care of themselves, their feelings and actions.
- 40% of all individuals who commit self-injury type behaviors are males.
Almost 50% of cutters or self-injury individuals have reported being sexually abused. - Almost 50% of self-abusers begin at the age of 14 and continue into their 20’s.
- Some studies indicate that cutting and other self-injury behavior is learned from friends or peers.
Statistically, cutting occurs most often in female teens and young female adults. One such study, done by the British Medical Journal, estimated that 13% of teen between the ages of 15-16 were participating in some form of cutting or self-injury behavior. In the United States, it is estimated that one in every 200 females between the ages of 13 and 19 have tried cutting or are currently cutting. Typically cutters come from homes where physical abuse, alcoholism or sexual abuse has occured.
Medical Health America and Discovery Health report that during the past decade, 1%, or over 2 million people in the U.S. have been involved in cutting or self-injury behavior
(http://www.scottcounseling.com/wordpress/cutting-and-self-mutalation-statistics/2010/09/13/)
So there's some actual numbers, facts and a bit of research I did in less than 5 minutes. But who cares, right? Who actually knows someone who's cut themselves? These people, the cutters, they're all freaks who wear all black and hate the world, right?
Actually, there's some truth to that. I know I wore black and hated the world when I first cut myself. I also know I was in an abusive home, an emotionally co-dependent relationship from the age of 16 which later because mentally abusive, I felt alone, I was an outcast at high school for the most part and.....my parents knew what I was doing. I remember sitting in the living room, razor blade in my hand, cutting my leg in front of my parents and all I was told was "don't get blood on the carpet". Its a wonder, and a testament to my own determination to get the hell away from my parents without hurting the rest of my family (especially my sister) that I never killed myself. Balls to the wall serious, it was that bad more than once by the time I was 18 years old.
Only a handful of people, before I publish this blog, knew this about me. I have scars on my thighs, ankles and inner bicep. All on the right side of my body, which is odd since I'm right handed. They've faded as I've gotten older, but I still know they are there. I have one in particular that I have occasionally caressed almost lovingly because its the deepest and also the last time I ever cut myself. It's on my thigh, very few people have seen it and if they have seen it they never ask about it. I appreciate the privacy allowed to it. It's personal and I'll share when/if I'm ready to.
The thing is, I was never alone. As I learned today from a surprising conversation with a loved one, we're never as alone with our life experiences as we think we are. We just never know who to open up to because our secrets are so controversial, if that's the right way to describe it. How do you know who to turn to when everyone around you seems to have their shit together?
I've been shattered, broken, bruised and ruined. I've had to make peace, forgive and let go of so much more than I ever want to admit to. I'm a firm believer in Karma, but I had to ask sometimes, what did I do that was so horrific THIS can be justified to come back to me? I never quite know the answer. Because for all the bad things I've had done to me by people I've loved, I have been the person responsible for most of the damage to myself. It hurts like hell to realize that. Choices I made put me in bad situations, bad situations left me in bad places, bad places put me in worst circumstances for a while it felt like it'd never end. And it wouldn't have if I didn't find the courage to end the pattern.
I was told I inspired someone. I'm an inspiration?!?! This person has 2 of the most amazing role models in his/her life and I'm an inspiration to him/her?!?! It shook me. It shocked me. It flattered me. But most of all, it made me realize someone else sees a me I don't see. When I look in the mirror I see a damaged, abused, tired, fake of a person. I feel like I spend most of my time pretending to be whole. But the reality is: I am whole, I just have scars. Scars are just healed wounds. The wounds are gone but the memory remains. I'm plagued by memories but my wounds have healed. I haven't forgotten the lessons they've taught me but it might be time to stop letting the scars control me.
Part of doing that, just might be opening up and letting people see my secrets. I have many secrets but to keep quiet about them gives them power. Today's secret is: I used to cut myself to make myself feel something. I was so numb from the high school bullshit that I put up to the shitty home I lived in. The only way I could survive day-to-day was to become numb to it all and the only way to remind myself I was still alive was to cut. It won't make sense to you unless you've been in a similar situation.
I'm rising above it. I've stopped being a victim. I've opened up to love, really love, someone. I've even bound my life with someone else through a child. A child that I am trying desperately to NOT screw up. I might fail at some things, but I will not fail him.
Shows like 16 & Pregnant, Teen Mom and even this video from Pink can all be used to open communication between parents and kids, if the parents stop pretending this stuff only happens to other kids, in other cities, in other states. Instead of blasting this topics and accusing them destroying innocence of youth how about realizing there are messages to learn from and learn. If I can only have one goal as a mother for Nixon, I want it to be that he learns from my mistakes, but he will never do that if he never knows about them. I have to find a balance between TMI and sheltering to keep him from making a mistake he can't recover from. Sadly, I'm almost abnormal in everything I've accomplished so far in life. There are so many statistics out there that would tell you I CAN'T do what I've done from where I've been and what I've done. And it pisses me off because kids in situations exactly like what I was in hear this shit and assume that'll never do any better so why try, right?? WRONG! Fight for it, get out and fight like hell to get as far away as possible!!
I'm not that fucken special. I just hate being told I can't do something and I'm too stubborn to give up sometimes. Its not my best quality, but look how far I've come.
My parents married at 19/20 years old, they had me at 20/21 and my sister 15 months later, struggled financially all my life, I have a alcoholic parent who is also bi-polar, my parents separated for 6 months only to get back together and send my sister and I to live with their parents for a year while they "fixed" their marriage (guess since we were only the result of the marriage we didn't need to be included), I was in an abusive relationship at the age of 15, I did graduate high school, went to college, then dropped out for 2 years. Here's where I started fighting back...I went back to school after the time off. I graduated with a 2 year degree then went on immediately to get a 4 year degree! I left an almost 9 year relationship and moved over 500 miles away from home knowing only one person in that city.
I'm now almost 32 years old. I'm married (3 years in March!), I'm a mom to one helluva kiddo. I have an amazing circle of friends who I love more than most of my family and who see me for me, not my scars. I have family members who hold my secrets in their heart and don't judge me for them. Instead they support me and give me the unconditional love family should give each other. I've cut many ties from my past and I continue to let people who are less than stellar come and go from my life. I've survived!
I'm not cured, but I'm whole.
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