This is a bold, raw, nakedly honest post....sorry.

    I've been struggling...postponing?....avoiding?....delaying the inevitable disappointment?....uh, maybe I should just start again.

    I've been a stay-at-home-mom since less than a week before Nixon's birth. That was the last time I was gainfully employed. In the five years since his birth, I've filled out/turned in/interviewed for and gotten offered exactly one job. Unfortunately, due to Mac's work schedule being rumored to be completely overhauled I had to turn down the job, only to find out less than a week later, the "sure thing" schedule change wasn't going to happen after all and I'd turned down the job for no reason but it was too late to try to get it back because training for the position had already started.
   I had stressed, panicked and gotten anxious over the entire process, even going so far to psyche myself out during the waiting period before I even got the call that I was offered the job. It was so upsetting when I had to call and turn down the job offer. And even more upsetting when it was all for naught.

    So here I am, application waiting to be filled out, for a different job, and I've been stalling for weeks now! Not because I don't think I'll get the job or even because I don't want the job I'm applying for, in fact it's a great change of pace from my previous jobs while still utilizing all the skills I've acquired over the years. It's outside of my comfort zone, but in a place that I know I can truly be happy and feel like I'm doing something worthwhile every day....if I get the job.
   So why is it I only now, just quite literally moments ago, finished the application?

   Because I'm in a funk. I don't feel worthy of even trying to compete for a job that I realize I'm quite qualified for. I'm barely qualified to care for Nixon most days, it feels like to me, and yet here I am trying to (or at least considering) getting a job outside of the house?! Am I nuts?? Who is seriously going to look at my application and want to hire me? There's no spot on the application to write: "I hope you take into consideration that it took me nearly a month to complete and turn in the application because I'm so sure I won't ever get called for an interview I certain this is a waste of paper and trees were killed in vein for no reason." Yeah, somehow I doubt even if there was room for that, I still wouldn't get an interview.

   I need to get a job, even just a part-time one. Mac retires in 5 months. We talked, mostly seriously, just this evening about purchasing a house instead of renting within the next 6 months, when our current lease is up. This is some serious grown-up shit y'all! I'm looking at houses because of the school district they're in, not because they're necessarily the best fit. I'm considering SCHOOL DISTRICTS!! I know the top 3 elementary schools in the area we live in right now and I'm searching to find a place that will get Nixon in one of those 3 schools. I'm considering potential job locales Mac may end up at, and trying to look for houses close to major highways while still keeping in mind school districts.
    I can do all that and not freak, but me? Apply for a job? Yeah, then I freak. And delay. And worry that my 5 year employment gap will be a hindrance or how should I explain other past employment questions. I prepare for interview questions before I even drop-off an application. Overkill much?

     I thought, if I messaged people to ask to use them as references, I'd be motivated to finish the application and turn it in.
    Nope.
    I guess I'm hoping if I write this, and put this out where I know it will be seen by friends, family members and even total strangers, then maybe that will force me to turn it in. It's completed. I'm adding the phone numbers I have for my references as soon as this is posted.
    I probably can't drop it off tomorrow because there's a snow storm coming and we're predicted to get 4-6 inches of snow, which means it'll be a good idea to stay home. Wednesday maybe possible, although I may have to take Nixon with me...is that awful? To bring my child with me just to drop-off an application? Shit, see now I think I should wait until Friday because Mac will be home and he can watch Nixon while I drop it off and maybe try to talk to a supervisor when I do. But then....I could email it in, I have the ability to scan it, but I always preferred to hand an application in, in person, but that was over 5 years ago so maybe emailing it in is actually better than doing it in person? I'd get it turned it quicker.....I suppose I could email it tomorrow and then call Friday to check if it's been received... aaaaaaaaaaaaand welcome to the entire thought process that I go through as I over think and freak out over a simple job application!

    I don't remember ever freaking out like this, preNixon job search days. But now it seems there's so much more riding on it that I need to find something that works for him, for me and around Mac's schedule for now.
   At least I've got insurance already. I don't need to worry about that mess.

being a parent can ruin your self-esteem...or so I've learned

    Once again, I'm still watching Peanut. Just a few more days. Don't get me wrong I love this little girl, but some of her attitude has really got me questioning myself.

   She has a lot of things going on: starting Kindergarten, mom gone, being 5 and a personal family issue as well. It's a lot for a kid, I get it. But this week has been WICKED! I've sat down and talked to her, I''ve yelled at her, I've taken things away from her, I started the week with the promise of a surprise on Friday if she went all week without an issue at school (yeah, that didn't happen. Monday she had a tantrum at school). She's talking back, lying to my face, thrown an attitude at me over breakfast today.

   I finally asked her if she would do this to her mom or other caretakers. Her response? No. Because she knows they won't put up with it. And by not put up with it, I mean spank her. I can not and will not spank her. I know she KNOWS what she's doing is not okay. She's making a conscious decision to do these things.

   And it hurts me. It really hurts me, hearing her admit that if I were any other caretaker she wouldn't do this shit! It bothers me that I'm not good enough to respect and listen too. It also hurts me knowing that, if I spanked her she'd listen better. I shouldn't have to raise a hand to her to have her listen to me. She knows what she's doing is wrong and hurtful to me.

   And it bother me that the rebellious actions of a 5-year old have me questioning my self-worth as an adult. I thought I outgrew all that shit when I left my parents house. I did act up because I had NO respect for them as parents. But they proved they weren't worthy of my respect. I haven't done anything to earn this child's disrespect. Have I? I'm really not sure. Maybe I'm not stern enough? I follow through on "threats" when she's done something, like have a tantrum at school.

    It really bothered me because my own parents didn't feel I was good enough. I was "supposed" to be a boy. I was too smart, it bothered my parents. I knew, from a relatively young age, I'm not the child they wanted. My sister was more like them. She was spared from a lot of anger because of that.

  Who knew that a kid, not even mine, would make me feel inadequate as a person. Now I have to see myself as the adult I've become and not let this childish behavior break me. But driving home today, with she and Nixon in the car, I felt the tears thinking of her words this morning. Knowing she doesn't respect me like the other people who've cared for her, made me want to call it a day and just walk away. I'm still here because I promised her mom I would be. I still love this child, but she's got issues I can't even being to understand, and for some reason I seem to have become her outlet.

   I'm failing here somehow. I know I am. But damned if I know where or how to begin to fix it....