This is a bold, raw, nakedly honest post....sorry.

    I've been struggling...postponing?....avoiding?....delaying the inevitable disappointment?....uh, maybe I should just start again.

    I've been a stay-at-home-mom since less than a week before Nixon's birth. That was the last time I was gainfully employed. In the five years since his birth, I've filled out/turned in/interviewed for and gotten offered exactly one job. Unfortunately, due to Mac's work schedule being rumored to be completely overhauled I had to turn down the job, only to find out less than a week later, the "sure thing" schedule change wasn't going to happen after all and I'd turned down the job for no reason but it was too late to try to get it back because training for the position had already started.
   I had stressed, panicked and gotten anxious over the entire process, even going so far to psyche myself out during the waiting period before I even got the call that I was offered the job. It was so upsetting when I had to call and turn down the job offer. And even more upsetting when it was all for naught.

    So here I am, application waiting to be filled out, for a different job, and I've been stalling for weeks now! Not because I don't think I'll get the job or even because I don't want the job I'm applying for, in fact it's a great change of pace from my previous jobs while still utilizing all the skills I've acquired over the years. It's outside of my comfort zone, but in a place that I know I can truly be happy and feel like I'm doing something worthwhile every day....if I get the job.
   So why is it I only now, just quite literally moments ago, finished the application?

   Because I'm in a funk. I don't feel worthy of even trying to compete for a job that I realize I'm quite qualified for. I'm barely qualified to care for Nixon most days, it feels like to me, and yet here I am trying to (or at least considering) getting a job outside of the house?! Am I nuts?? Who is seriously going to look at my application and want to hire me? There's no spot on the application to write: "I hope you take into consideration that it took me nearly a month to complete and turn in the application because I'm so sure I won't ever get called for an interview I certain this is a waste of paper and trees were killed in vein for no reason." Yeah, somehow I doubt even if there was room for that, I still wouldn't get an interview.

   I need to get a job, even just a part-time one. Mac retires in 5 months. We talked, mostly seriously, just this evening about purchasing a house instead of renting within the next 6 months, when our current lease is up. This is some serious grown-up shit y'all! I'm looking at houses because of the school district they're in, not because they're necessarily the best fit. I'm considering SCHOOL DISTRICTS!! I know the top 3 elementary schools in the area we live in right now and I'm searching to find a place that will get Nixon in one of those 3 schools. I'm considering potential job locales Mac may end up at, and trying to look for houses close to major highways while still keeping in mind school districts.
    I can do all that and not freak, but me? Apply for a job? Yeah, then I freak. And delay. And worry that my 5 year employment gap will be a hindrance or how should I explain other past employment questions. I prepare for interview questions before I even drop-off an application. Overkill much?

     I thought, if I messaged people to ask to use them as references, I'd be motivated to finish the application and turn it in.
    Nope.
    I guess I'm hoping if I write this, and put this out where I know it will be seen by friends, family members and even total strangers, then maybe that will force me to turn it in. It's completed. I'm adding the phone numbers I have for my references as soon as this is posted.
    I probably can't drop it off tomorrow because there's a snow storm coming and we're predicted to get 4-6 inches of snow, which means it'll be a good idea to stay home. Wednesday maybe possible, although I may have to take Nixon with me...is that awful? To bring my child with me just to drop-off an application? Shit, see now I think I should wait until Friday because Mac will be home and he can watch Nixon while I drop it off and maybe try to talk to a supervisor when I do. But then....I could email it in, I have the ability to scan it, but I always preferred to hand an application in, in person, but that was over 5 years ago so maybe emailing it in is actually better than doing it in person? I'd get it turned it quicker.....I suppose I could email it tomorrow and then call Friday to check if it's been received... aaaaaaaaaaaaand welcome to the entire thought process that I go through as I over think and freak out over a simple job application!

    I don't remember ever freaking out like this, preNixon job search days. But now it seems there's so much more riding on it that I need to find something that works for him, for me and around Mac's schedule for now.
   At least I've got insurance already. I don't need to worry about that mess.

7 year itch?? Nah, not in this house!

    Ever have those future "what-if" conversations with your husband/wife or significant other? Occasionally, mac and I have them and they are really random. The most recent one was last week as we were celebrating the 7 year anniversary of our first date.

   Someone had asked if I was getting "itchy" now that it was 7 years. (You know that old adage of the 7 year itch?) Mac and I were talking about it and how we felt like we really were too perfectly matched to find anyone else who would put up with us, like each other does.
   I said "Well, if this ever falls apart I'm not dating. Do you know how impossible it'd be to find a guy who is childless NOW at my age?!" I was totally serious too. While I adore Nixon, I'm not looking for, nor do I ever picture myself with a blended family. I'm too selfish to share myself, my partner and my son with someone else's family which is what a blended family is all about. I admire women who step-up and do the step-mom/step-family thing. It's never easy from what I've witnessed.
 
   As for me? Itch or not. I'm willing to fight and work for what I've got right now. Mac and I haven't hit bumps we can't smooth out over time and I'm not tired of his face yet. I'll keep him. Besides, look at the adorable child we made together. Who wouldn't want to stay with the man who helped create that/him with me?!?

   Our family is odd an unconventional for sure. We have bad days and good days. But when I have my bad days and it feels like my world is crumbling around me, Mac is my rock. He's the person I turn too when I need support or a laugh. I can't imagine ever wanting to let go of the security I feel when he holds me.

   So, 7 year itch be damned! We're 7 years since our first date and still going strong!

Little Update on the name drama llama

Seems that my blog has a wee bit of a following. And that following is not the warm and fuzzy we-wanna-be-your-friend kind, either. No, my following is more the pretty and popular girls in high school who traveled in packs down the halls and terrorized anyone who didn't worship them or join their freakishly close bitch-cult. Oh, and my following never says hi or even spreads word of my blog. 
Thanks for reading, bitches!


How do I know I have a following of cunty drama llamas?? Simple, Mac my loving and supportive husband, who was at work today had a short discussion about one of my blogs with a woman who has "heard" about it (but never read it).


It seems, she's the wife of the person mentioned in the name rant blog of mine.  I did hear who it was correctly, and apparently my blog rant made its way back to her and she saw Mac, so she wanted to "clear the air", but there's a small problem. She never actually read my blog. She "heard about it" from someone, and just wanted ME to know that they chose Nixon because she collects Nixon brand watches, not for the President and not after our son. 


Now, if she had read my blog she'd had seen that was precisely my point in the first place. (Well, that and her husband needs to learn how to tell the story about their baby name a little better in the future, cause he straight up dropped the fucking ball hardcore on this one) Every, single couple I have EVER met has some kind of story behind WHY they chose the baby name they did. The vague and non-responsive answer he first gave was bullshit, compared to the wife's story. 


So for the secret readers spreading word of mouth about my blog.....thanks for reading!! I know you're there *heeheehee*


FUCK...................I need to get off this fucking rock, I'm going island batshit crazy, now. 


Is it May yet????