Why I can't be the mom I pretend to be all the time??

That mom who has it all together? That's not me. But I can pretend with the best of them and make you think I have it all together.

When I know eyes are on me, watching me interact with Nixon, I'm ON! It's go time. I use my gentle voice, I'm attentive to what Nixon wants/needs and I even feed him the healthy snacks!

But when I'm OFF... it's not like I ignore him let me set the record straight about that right now. It's more like I encourage him to be free-thinking and self-dependent. I'm comfortable at home with Nixon doing his own thing. He's almost 4, I need him to be resilient enough to not always need me to be his playmate. As an only child this is one of his biggest stereotypes to overcome. He's not always the center of attention in our home.

WHAT?!?!? An only child who is not the universe to his parents??

No, that's not what I said. Nixon is my world and beyond, but I owe it to him to let him take his turn, teach him manners, make him share (not just toys, but attention too) and *tell him "no".
*This is my weakest point! When I'm around friends or other moms, I'm good with the "no". But when it's just me and Nixon, I'm not as strong. I'm too quick to reward good behavior in public, to the point its almost an expectation than a reward.

Why can't I be the pretend mom all the time? Why do I beat myself up for not being a "good' and health-conscious mom all the time? Why do I feel guilty when I see Nixon happily playing by himself?  Why do his imaginary tales that make me giggle in awe at his thoughts, also make my heart hurt because sometimes it seems he's so deep in his own head?

I can teach him everything I want and still feel inadequate.
How is that possible?
I'm a mom. Moms around the world know, there's no bigger critic than yourself. There's all these "mom wars" from birth, but there's no critic like the voice inside your head. She's the one telling you you're not good enough. She tells you you are not doing enough for him or you're not letting him or enough. You can never make that voice happy and there's no shutting her up!

I wish daily I was the perfect mother.
I want to do right by Nixon and at the same time I want to disprove every single only child myth there is. I want people to see Nixon and judge him not because he's an only child, but instead when they find out be shocked and awed by him!
But more than anything, I want to freeze that voice in my head's mouth shut with her negativity and nagging ways. Seems the only way to do that, is to be a better mom.

Here's the mom I am: I feed Nixon fast food, I let him skip a bath (more than a couple nights in a row), I hug and kiss him hourly, I let him watch too much tv and encourage him to read occasionally, we play outside sometimes, I let him do his own thing most of the time, I sneak extra z's by bribing Nixon with his favorite tv shows on dvr, I spank him when he has done that ONE too many times thing I've warned him about, it's hardly a spank more a tap on the ass but his tears break my heart!, I yell too much and cuss too much, I don't do enough educational play with him and he's just now learning how to dress himself but he's been picking out his own clothes for over a month now.

The mom I think I should be: makes organic meals from scratch, takes daily nature walks together, doesn't even own a tv and wouldn't dream of taking moments away from her child by sleeping in, never spanks and hasn't uttered a curse word...ever. She makes everything educational and doesn't long to go back to work because she wants to homeschool!

I'll never be ^^that mom! But you know what? Nixon doesn't care, Mac doesn't care so why do I? Because I'm judging myself harsher than anyone.

Why can't I be happy that Nixon is kind, caring, affectionate, loving, strong-willed and healthy? For some reason it doesn't seem enough. I feel like he should be more than all that. I can say, while I feel that way, I never push him to be more than he already is. My issues are not his and if I have my way, they never will be. I want him to be free to be himself. Despite or in-spite of me I want him to be himself.

He's almost 4, so he planned his party!

 Nixon is obsessed with Super Hero Squad! He will run around the house yelling "Hero up!". It's adorable, from a mom's point-of-view. Plus the show is not overly violent, teaches friendship lessons and is lead by Iron Man (not Robert Downey Jr. Iron Man, but Iron Man non-the-less)

Nixon's 4th birthday is a little over 2 months away. I've started asking him what he wants for his birthday. He wants: underwear and toys, for gifts! 

The theme he wants is: Super Hero Squad.

He wants sandwiches (I, foolishly, suggested pizza. "NO pizza mommy! Pizza is gross!" was the response I got for that suggestion.), he wants Super Hero punch (I'm going to make this one up somehow) and cupcakes NOT cake! I'm really enjoying that he can help plan things. It's awesome to know he has his own opinions. He even asked for a cape for his birthday party! 

The issue?? It's nearly impossible to find Super Hero Squad party supplies. I've got 4 sites bookmarked because no one site has all the supplies I want/need! 

"You really are, mommy"

Driving around to drop off some paperwork for a friend today.
I made a turn too early and was stuck driving around a bank's parking lot instead of the office building's lot I needed to go to.

me: UGG! Nixon, your mommy is such a moron sometimes.
Nixon: You really are mommy.
me: Nixon, did you just agree that I'm a moron.
Nixon: Yes, mom. You are you know.
me: *sigh* I really am.

Good to know he's always got me back.

In other news, I think he's well on his way to being able to handle "your mom" jokes. I make them about myself all the time!

then I put myself in Time Out

**Disclaimer: I'm watching Peanut for the month. I've been here almost 2 weeks and have a little over 3 to go. I'm doing the mom of 2 thing again....not always rocking it either**

Ugg.... this is not how my Sunday was supposed to be.

I went to bed last night with the plan to wake up and take everyone out to breakfast. Pancakes, bacon, eggs...the whole 9 yards. Mac and I have been going out to breakfast on his days off for most of our entire relationship. Sometimes with friends sometimes just us. When Nixon came along, I started looking forward to family time out of the house.
The past almost 2 weeks have been less than stellar. It's hard being away from my home for so long. Nevermind not seeing Mac. Mac is here for the weekend, since it's his weekend off, but he hasn't seen us since last week before he arrived Friday morning. So the opportunity to do something we've done for years now was something I was looking forward too. And then reality happened....

The kids woke up. One of them was refusing to listen to me and the other one was throwing shit....again! I woke up with my throat feeling like I chugged a nice cup of shredded glass: raw, sore and hurt when I talked. Did that stop me from laying down the law when the kids yells went from gleeful fun to screaming bossiness?? Nope.
So I started laying down the law! Like a boss...
Clean your rooms!
No crying or whining.
Look at me when I'm talking to to you!

One of the kids was really annoyed to have to clean their room. "I don't know what to do!" So I said "pick up your toys. put your clothes here. put the blankets back on your bed" and walked away leaving this little one to get it done. Only they didn't. Instead they sat on the floor LOOKING at the mess. I asked which was the one thing they didn't want to do the most, which one was the "hardest". Of course, cleaning up the toys was the answer...they were all over the room. So I compromised...well, it was a compro-ishment (punishment + compromise), just pick up the toys and never mind the clothes and blankets. Genius right?!?!? No, someone was not impressed.

By this point, I knew I was reaching my breaking point. I was very annoyed and quickly losing my cool. I had asked both kids to put their shoes on, fully intending on go out to breakfast and resetting the mood for the day. Except I got attitude when I said "put on your shoes". So I said stay in your room and finish cleaning it. We're not going anywhere! Awesome, right??

Then, I left Mac home with the kids and I went to get donuts. Did we need donuts? No, of course not. Were the kids behaving well enough for donuts...yeah, that was also a negative. But I needed an excuse to get out of the house for a bit and donuts seemed to be good enough. It took me almost an hour to go get them and come home. By the time I cane home, the room was finally cleaned and everyone, including myself, was in a better mood.

Mommy took a time out! (and I came home with large iced pumpkin latte too!)

I'm lazy...so another installment of random conversations with Nixon it is!

...brought to you by: facebook, where all my short and random conversations with Nixon begin.

August 25th: I can't wait for fall! Pumpkin patches, leaves turning, cool air, HOODIES!!, and best of all: Halloween!!Nixon said tonight he wants to be Iron Man. That's MY boy!! So I'm thinking: Iron Man, War Machine and Pepper Potts family costumes. Too much??? (yes I'll need a wig, but Halloween is all about dressing up, yo!!)
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August 28th: Nixon hardly ever has nightmares....I'm thinking it might be a growth spurt in the works. That seems to be when his nightmares happen the most. (He woke up screaming "I need to grow bigger! I need be bigger NOW!")
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August 29th: (after a first-thing-in-the-morning vomit)
Nixon: Mommy, may I have more please?me: More what, honey?
Nixon: more in my tummy
me: More toast?
Nixon: Yes, please. May I have more please?
me: Nixon, I want to make sure you aren't going to get sick again.
Nixon: But mommy, my tummy is fine *points to his tummy* See?
me: I know Nixon, but I don't want you getting sick again.
Nixon: But mommy, my tummy is fine. More toast please?
Guess who's getting more toast?

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And finally, we have today's Nixon conversation jem:
Nixon (talking about Jack-Franny's 102lb great dane PUPPY!!! 9 months old tomorrow guys): Jack's gotta go potty
me: yes, Jack has to go out and go potty
Nixon: so water will come out his peenie
me: Yes Nixon, water will come out his peenie
Nixon: and poo comes out his butt!! (he yells this and laughs)

"Fix it now, Mom!"

  My mother-in-law has been visiting for a week. It's been great! She cooks awesome food! She and my brother-in-law watched Nixon for a night out with Mac. I even got a haircut, and therein lies the story I'm about to tell you.

   At 930am on Saturday I looked like this:          

  When I came home at 11am, this was my new look:


















   Nixon was out with Mac and his family when I got home, and he was crashed out asleep when they got home and then everyone was napping. When Nixon finally saw me and my new hair....it didn't go well.

Nixon: Mommy, your hair!
me: I know, it's all gone, do you like it?
Nixon: NO! Mom you have to fix it now!
me: Nixon, you don't like my hair short?
Nixon: No mommy, you need to fix it! It not good!

   Everyone else loves it. My son? Hated it!

**he's coming around. He told me today he thought it was lovely!

because some days, I need to be more than just "Mom"

   Never have I been so happy to return to my home! I value and appreciate my home, family, cats, bed and coffee marker so much more after last week. Sure, Nixon can get loud and crazy, but it's one loud and crazy kid vs 2 plus a giant puppy. 

   During my week there, my best friend Claire asked me to join her for a 10k run in October. It hardly took any time or convincing for me to agree to do it. I need a goal and this will get me some one-on-one time with Claire. Sure, we'll be running with hundreds or a couple thousand people, but we'll be side-by-side for the whole run! It won't be like our days bar hopping together, or searching for a liquor store that was opened in Virginia, or even hanging out in the barracks getting drunk but we're mothers now, I guess something had to change right?

   Speaking of being a mom, I've lost a lot of myself since becoming a mom. I don't have as much (any) free time these days. I spend days with Nixon and Mac, but not so much doing things for me. I haven't gotten a haircut I paid for since Nixon was 2 months old! That's over 3.5 years ago! I'd rather spend money on things for Nixon than on myself. 
   I'm not even working any more. This is tough. I've had to adjust to not leaving the house alone and I've had almost no adult interactions, excluding Mac of course. 

   So, I've started being for me again. First, this run. I'm training 5-6 days a week for it. There's nothing to benefit Nixon, well maybe a healthier and slimmer mommy, in this. Second, I'm planning a serious haircut. Third, I'm doing things just for me. Last night and today, I finished making comic heels. I bought some sexy platform heels, and I ModPodge'd comic book photos onto the shoes. They look awesome! And are incredibly HOTT looking. They're geeky, sexy, shoes and I love em! Next project is a cover for my kindle. More ModPodge, exacto knife fun! (And another comic book cannibalism project)

   My mother-in-law is coming next week, to stay for a week. My brother-in-law will be staying for the weekend. It's going to be great seeing them again. Plus, with Nana here Mac and I may finally get a real date night! 

the right shoe...AWE-some!