Coming to a classroom near you?? No, but I am going to be a room parent in Nixon's class tomorrow.....

   Good thing I just refilled my Prozac, because I have a feeling that spending the morning with almost 30 four and five-year-old kids will be amping my anxiety to the nth degree.
   Tomorrow is Halloween but it's Thursday which isn't a normal school day for Nixon, his class is doing a Halloween parade and he is allowed to go, we were given 2 choices: a) he could go Thursday and have it take the place of Friday (his usual school day) or b) I could stay and be a room parent for the day.
   I chose the later option. I get to stay and enjoy Nixon's first school Halloween event?!? Hell yeah I'll be there!

   But there's another reason I want to be there. Nixon's still saying he's having issues with a boy in his class but his teachers aren't witnessing anything. Monday Nixon had a small bruise on his face but neither of his teachers mentioned what happened and Nixon was in the middle of a meltdown when we picked him up.

   So what should I expect as a room parent? I have no idea! His class is always loud, full of energized kids and tomorrow they'll be in costumes enjoying the Halloween festivities! I think the hardest part I'll be facing is letting the teachers handle Nixon and not deal with him myself. I'm on their turf and need to let them do their job.

   Most of all, I'm grateful I have the ability to go to school with Nixon for a day. It hasn't been easy, my being home for the last almost-5 years, but there are perks. This is one of those perks. Soon enough I'll be going back to work but for now, I'm enjoying these moments as they happen.

   In other news, today was Nixon's first school picture day. I took a couple practice photos of him at home, so he knew what would be expected of him at school as we've never really done posed photos before with him.

before school cutie pic. he picked out the tie himself!

Happy (early) Halloween!

Happy Halloween, from my little brony family!
(I'm Princess Twilight Sparkle, Nixon is Pinkie Pie and Mac is Big Macintosh)

Hmmm....how to explain an eviction to a 4-year-old because of a scene he witnessed in our neighborhood?

   There are some things I'd like to not have to discuss with Nixon. Things that he shouldn't even have to worry about at his young age, not things that I find uncomfortable to talk about because the reality is there's very little I won't talk about with Nixon when asked.

    Today, Nixon and I had a breakfast date planned. We got up, dressed and were ready to go...I mean, in the car leaving, when I saw something that didn't look right happening in our subdivision. I normally go out of my way to avoid getting involved in matters that don't concern my, unless someone or an animal is being harmed. Today that was not the case, but I got involved none-the-less.
   I saw 3 vehicles, including a truck with a large trailer filled with what looked like trash, taking items from the vehicles and placing on a large and growing pile just about 5 yards from my backyard and less than 3 feet from an immediate neighbors yard. I know our home owners association is a stickler for a neat and tidy appearance of the neighborhood and this was an eye sore to me, I can't imagine what they'd say if any of the board members saw it.
   Even though I had Nixon in the car with me, I stopped. I told Nixon I was only going to be a couple minutes and I went to find out what the frack was going on, because to me it looked like a bunch of random people dumping shit in the subdivision.

    I'll skip the boring part: It turns out it was an eviction, served by the sheriff's department. According to Maryland law, personal property of an eviction notice served may be left on the curb for up to 48 hours. Or something like that. I actually called the county police because while there was a sheriff's car, I saw no sheriff in the area of the trash being piled/dumped. I took Nixon with me for that, because I wasn't comfortable leaving him and walking more than the 5 feet I'd walked to inquire about the dumping. Nixon says, quite loudly, "Hey you guys are making a big mess! You need to clean it up, right now!", as we were walking to find the sheriff.

    The end result of all this? The following conversation with Nixon:
Nixon: Mommy, why were those people making a mess and leaving all that stuff on the ground?
me: Well....it seems the person who owned the house had to get the people living in the house to move out because they were not being good somehow.
Nixon: Like they were talking back?
me: *laughs* No, not like that. They were adult naughty. Something happened and the courts decided that they can't live there anymore.
Nixon: So they can't take their things?
me: No, it looks like they're being petty by making that mess. They seem to act like they're already naughty so their going to be even more naughty.
Nixon: Oh....I don't get it.
me: Okay, let's try this: If you were to hit me, and I sent you to your room for hitting me, would coloring your walls with crayon be a good idea or bad idea?
Nixon: Oh, I don't hit you Mommy. It makes you sad. And it's naughty.
me: I know, and I'm glad you know that. But would coloring on your walls be good?
Nixon: No. That'd be really naughty!
me: Okay, I'm glad you understand that baby. Those people are basically doing a grown up coloring on the walls by leaving that mess.
Nixon: That's not nice. It looks ugly!

    At breakfast, I made sure Nixon understood that we're not going to get forced out of the house. It seemed like something was bothering him and I was pretty sure he thought we might get evicted because he didn't fully understand. I told him that we are good people and we make sure we're paying out bills on-time so we don't have reason to lose our house.
    Once we talked about that, he was much better and we had a wonderful morning together.

Sometimes you have to stop and really listen to kids....and then hide your tears while you wipe away theirs.

    For the past week or so, Nixon has been saying he doesn't want to go to school, that he wants to stay home. He'll fight with me about getting dressed for school, going to bed the night before school and even one day he refused to get up for school (he eventually did get up, but it was a slow morning for him from the get-go). It's so strange because as soon as he gets into his classroom, he's happy and ready for school, saying "hi" to everyone. Even when I pick him up, his teachers tell me he had a good day no tantrums and was participating.

   This morning, Mac was home and helping getting Nixon ready. I was upstairs, attempting to do my hair and failing epically, while listening to the "battle" ensuing downstairs. Finally, I'd had enough. Nixon was crying, Mac was frustrated and I needed to know what was really going on.
   What's really going on is Nixon doesn't feel safe at school. He told me there's a boy in a red sweatshirt that is mean to him. He picks on him, says mean things and throws things at him. Nixon tells me he didn't want to have the "mean boy" be not nice to him and he'd stay home with me instead.

   How do you deal when your 4-year old feels unsafe?
   What's the right reaction?
   And how do you assure him while trying to calm the rage building deep in your own soul at the thought that your child is not safe at school?

   I held Nixon. I gave him hugs, and kisses, and I reminded him that he can always always, tell Mac and I when something like this happens. I told him that we are his voice when he's scared and our job is to make sure he's safe even when he's not with us. I made sure he knew we'd talk to his teachers and he can talk to them too, because they want him to be safe in class as well.

   We took him to school, and the 3 of us held hands walking to his classroom today. Nixon's teachers weren't busy, we were there a little early, so I was able to mention the concerns and issues we were having at home. While I was doing that, Nixon showed Mac the boy he says is being mean to him, and Mac in turned showed him to the teachers. I'll be honest, I've seen this child mock Nixon before and I'm not sure if it was a mean-spirited mocking or just kids being kids mocking.  
   The teachers are aware of it now, and have promised to keep an eye on both kids. Now I realize, Nixon hasn't been in a classroom setting before and there is an adjustment period, so he may not be used to kids playing and goofing around, but if he's genuinely being bullied in preschool there's something wrong with that and I'll stand up for my child as long as I feel he feels he's unsafe. If it means I have to ask to be in the office and monitor the class video feed for a day, I will do that. I will not let my child feel like he's on his own when he's just starting school!

   We'll see how it goes. I hope as Nixon gets more comfortable and used to the kids, he'll handle the situations better and be able to handle some conflicts on his own. BUT, I'm also trying to help him realize any kind of bullying is wrong and he should stand up to it. Even if it's not happening to him, he should stand up or stand by other children being picked on as well and not join in the picking on to fit in.

   It's hell that I'm having to help him navigate this at 4-years-old. He's not even in school full-time yet! I'm scared for today's youth....it starts so early.

Somehow this wonderful, kind, friendly, caring, funny and loving kid came from my body and has my genes in him. I don't know what happened to me, well I do but that's not important...Thank gods I have Nixon to redeem my faith in humanity.

   Ever have a moment when you just look at your kid and wonder where he came from? Yeah, me too...all the time.
    Today Mac had an appointment at Walter Reed Medical Center today. Since he's been working so much lately and we've missed him, Nixon and I went with him. Walter Reed is also where a lot of our wounded soldiers are treated.

   Nixon and I were sitting off in a quiet area while Mac signed in. (I should add before people start getting crazy: Mac is not wounded. He was there to get seen for his wickedly flat feet, and get custom insoles for them. He's been in for 19 years, these things happen. He is in most other ways, totally fine. His mental stability is suspect, but that's mostly because we've been together for 7 years and I rub off on the sanest of people in less time and smaller doses.) Nixon was people watching, something he enjoys but always has questions about. He first saw a guy with crutches and said "Why does that guy have sticks with him?". I explained crutches and the use of his indoor voice. Next he saw a double amputee with prosthetics on a Segway. Nixon says "Mommy, look that's so cool! That guy is standing and on wheels! Look how fast he's going." Did I drop the ball because I didn't overly explain the situation? Maybe, but at the same time, Nixon wasn't afraid of anyone and he wasn't seeing these heroes as "different". He was looking at them in awe.
    A little later we were getting ready to walk around for a bit. There's only so long that he'll sit still before he needs to get up and move. As I was gathering my bag, Nixon smiled and waved at a young boy in a wheelchair that went by and said "hi". He kept moving, but his dad said "hi" back to Nixon and smiled. When we were coming back from our walk, Nixon saw the boy again and again smiled and said "hi". This time the little boy said "hi" back. His dad said they had to hurry to go pick up his legs. It was only then that I noticed he was missing both legs. Nixon? Never noticed. To Nixon he saw a kid and said "hi", like he always does.
 
   The only cringe worthy moment was when he and I were walking behind a guy with a cane and an ankle brace. Nixon says "Mommy, what's wrong with him?". I try to be very tactful and say "Well baby, it looks like he has a cane to help him keep his balance and a brace on his ankle, probably for an owie of some kind." Nixon says "Well, what happened?" Oy, really kid?!?! I say "Well, I don't think he did it on purpose, it was probably an accident of some kind. But he seems to be recovering, which is always good when owies heal." and Nixon says, as we pass the guy who stopped at a coffee shop, "I hope you feel better soon!"

   I am in awe of the kind and friendly child I'm somehow responsible for raising. I just want to keep him this pure and wonderful for as long as possible. Because right now he is perfect, just the way he is.

The evil cycle of the reality of a being a Stay-at-Home-mom for the last 4 years....losing my identity.

  It seems these days I'm losing my identity and instead becoming known by someone else's identity.
  It started when Nixon started preschool earlier this month. I stopped by to pay his tuition and the director of the school didn't know me until I identified myself as "Nixon's mom". I get it, I really do, she deals with so many parents and children that keeping it simple and learning only the children's names is the best way to go, since those are the ones she'll be seeing on a daily basis for extended periods of time. The parents are there for drop-offs and pick-ups and the director isn't always present in the classroom at those times.
   So I've resigned myself to accept my newest role as "Nixon's mom".

   But then I had to write a letter for Mac, to his command, regarding a request to stay on the current shift he's on. I wrote it as Mac's wife and Nixon's mother....I was no one as an individual. I had no single stake other than to represent what was best for Nixon, Mac and our family.
   That's when it hit me.

   I'm really losing myself lately. I've stopped working on things for my etsy shop. I've got costumes to work on for Halloween, I've got almost everything I need to complete said costumes but I haven't started them yet.

   I don't really have a point to this. I'm behind on blogging because I'm in a funk. I'm in a funk because I'm not inspired by anything these days. I'm uninspired because I'm not feeling like an individual, I'm just a part to someone else's whole.
   Please tell me other moms have gone through this and it goes away?

   By the way, before anyone tells me to get a job, at this point in time it's not possible. Nixon's only going to school 2.5 hours 3 days a week and Mac is still on the overnight shift, daycare is an impossibility.

Hi, my name is Rea: I'm not always my son's best friend but I still have anxiety about sending off to school and not hearing him call me that every day. I'm a basket case and he loves me, so stop judging me! The voices in my head do that well enough without your help!

  I don't recall the exact reason for Nixon saying what he said to Mac and I, but I do know that it hurt to hear him say the words but I wasn't going to show him that.

   It started with him being told he couldn't get/have/eat something. He got angry and started telling us "You're not my best friend anymore". Mac's response was to tell Nixon to be quiet. My response was to let Nixon say what he wanted to say (and tell Mac to "shhh") and then explain to Nixon that as his parents we're not going to be his best friends forever. He's not always going to like what we decide and that's okay. My job is to be his mom first and if he loves me as his best friend that's awesome, but my goal is to not be his best friend my goal is to be the best damned mom I can be to him and sometimes that means he won't like me. I'm okay with that even if he's not.
   He was not really listening, but later when he calmed down he came over to me and gave me a kiss and said "I'm sorry I was mean, I still love you" totally unprovoked by me. I felt as if I had just won the mommy lottery!


   I have no idea when it happened, but Nixon will be starting pre-K in September. He's only going part-time 3 days a week, but my baby is leaving my nest! I'm so super excited for Nixon because he will be getting the social skills he needs and learning how to take directions from a teacher, and the school we chose is super creative focused, so it feels like a good fit for him.
   I've met his teacher and did a  preemptive apology for his dry sarcastic wit (she assured me students like that are her favorites, they keep her on her toes) and also apologized in advance for being the mom with the super snotty, wet faced drop-off on the first day. She laughed, probably because she thought I was joking. I was not. I have no idea how I'm going to be able to drop him off and let go. For over 4-and-a-half years it's been Nixon and I. The only person I've really had to share him with, is his dad.
   Now, our time together is coming to an end and I'm really very sad because I realize it truly is the end. This is only the beginning of my sharing him with the world. First it's part-time pre-kindergarten, then it's elementary school to middle school then high school and before I know it I'm waking up on the day he's going off to college. I can't undo this, it was going to happen but gods it happened so damned fast!

   Mac is worried about Nixon taking directions and listening to his teacher. He's worried about Nixon interacting with kids his own age. I'm worried about not being the center of his universe anymore. I've got anxiety over not hearing him call me his best friend (yes, I realize it completely contradicts the first part of this post) and him pushing me away when I try to kiss him, instead of him wanting to kiss me every day "just because".
   Yes, I have silly mommy anxieties. Let me have them!