Saturday, January 29, 2011

Peaceful Slumber

It's no secret, if you know me, that Nixon has 2 items he can not live without. There's his beary, aka BeBe his first love. Bebe goes everywhere with us, and thanks to a friend back in the states, we have a backup which has been in heavy rotation to keep them both equally worn in appearance. The second item is his Fisher Price aquarium mobile of sorts. We have to change the batteries close to every 3 weeks and even with the sudden affection Nixon's developed for the constellation turtle it seems we haven't reached a point where the aquarium can be let go.
With potty training looming in our future, I'm finding myself selfishly thinking of ways to keep Nixon my baby just a little longer. In truth, potty training is the last milestone before my baby becomes a boy. I'm not sure I'm ready for his independence to be complete. I know i NEED him to be potty trained before we leave Okinawa. Flying here with an infant in diapers needing to use the joke of a bathroom on the plane was one thing, doing it with a fully mobile toddler is another obstacle I'd prefer to avoid altogether.

When Nixon was an infant, newborn really, he slept in the same bedroom as Mac and I did. I woke up more often than just for feedings to watch him sleep, staring in awe at the wonder that my son was. When we got settled in Okinawa, he got his own bedroom, and even though we had monitors in his bedroom, I admit to checking on him every night, at least twice before going to sleep. In fact, I still check on him nightly. Its a simple act of comfort to me, gazing at the sleeping form of my son, still as amazed by him today as I was the first time I held his sleeping form in my arms.
Sometimes he'll roll over, eyes still tightly shut and grab for Bebe. Other times he moans softly and sucks his fingers in his sleep. Still there are even fewer times when he'll open his eyes and catch me looking down at him or stroking his forehead. Those times he'll give a little smile and whisper "momma" before grabbing Bebe, closing his eyes, putting his fingers back in his mouth and promptly falling asleep. Those are the nights that I fall asleep with a smile on my lips. Because I know, for as fast as his first 2 years of life have passed the rest will follow and one day, when I try to turn the handle of his bedroom door to check on him as he sleeps, the door will be locked. I hope I become the mother who's never locked out of her son's life, but puberty is hell and I could be Mrs. freaking Brady and I might still find the door locked on that night.
I'm sometimes shocked at how desperate I want to hold on to Nixon as a baby, MY baby, just a little longer. If anyone's found the pause button for life can I borrow it sometime? I've got a few moments I want to hold onto a little longer.

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