Thursday, February 9, 2012

Insane, coping or just cracking up??

  This past Saturday, Mac gave me the day to myself. We did our usual breakfast together, as a family, and then we came home and I was "free"!!! I gathered my camera, cellphone (this is not always with me. Unlike back in the states where my cell was glues to my hand, here it's frequently left in my purse or on a shelf forgotten and unused for days), iPod, tablet, wallet, hoodie and car keys. Tossed the essentials in my purse, kissed the boys goodbye, grabbed directions to my first and only planned location for the day, and headed out.  I spent a little over 5 1/2 hours just driving around the island, stopping randomly to take photos and following my gut on where I wanted to go. I went to a sunflower festival, one castle ruin site, I drove to an island off Okinawa stopping at a rest stop on the bridge halfway there and watched the locals fish, I went to a tomb on the island and got the weirdest vibe that I was most unwelcome there and promptly left, continued driving on the island until I reached a small beach where I was befriended by a most curious little calico kitten. The whole time, I don't remember one thing I thought about. I let myself be free and not dwell on much of anything. I thought of my sister while walking through the sunflower maze because she loves sunflowers! I thought how odd it was that an obviously stray kitten, would just wander up to me and lie down beside me like she's known me all her life or as if she had been expecting me, when I'd witness her shy away from the few other occupants of the same beach. I considered myself lucky that she granted me the pleasure of her presence and I thanked her for her company when I left to head home. 
    For those few hours, I remembered how it felt to be alone in my head.

    Until I got home and started to reflect on my day. Then my anxiety seemed to get the best of me and it was in a most ridiculous manner. I drove over 2 large bridges to get to the small island I spent apart of my day exploring. After I was safely home and had tucked Nixon into bed, I started thinking of things that could have gone wrong. What if there had been an earthquake and one of the bridges was destroyed?? How would I have gotten back to Mac and Nixon? I didn't even know the island I was on and I didn't speak enough Japanese to get by! How would I have asked for help or a place to stay in that kind of situation?? I was really freaking out, even though I was home and none of that happened! I was just walking around, assuming I'd be safe alone, with only my camera/car keys and cellphone in a foreign country being very obviously not from there! I'd felt perfectly at peace while doing it, but for some reason when I came home and saw my husband and son, I felt like I had taken HUGE risks doing it and still don't get it. Shouldn't those feelings have been coming up WHILE I was out there doing it?? 
    Wow, I might be a little more fucked up that I gave myself credit for!! (Yes, I do realize I NEED to make another appointment with my mental health doctor. It just amazes me how these things seem to creep up on me despite my best efforts to just be normal and relax.)

    Lately, with the move and Nixon's tantrums and defiant attitude, I feel I'm never alone in my head. I'm constantly making lists and trying to check things off one by one. Or I'm going over a situation for 2-5 different possible angles and I'm questioning and doubting myself and the way I handled it. I read too much into everything these days because I'm spending so much time alone with Nixon, since Mac is on midnight's and having to go in on days off (today and  yesterday) to get our travel packet done and handed in. It's shit like that, that's out of my control that really push my into overdrive! If it were up to me, that fucking packet would've been done and in by Feb 1st. But now we're almost to the middle of the goddamned month and it's still not fucking done! The longer it takes, the longer we wait to get travel dates and I need a fucking travel date because I NEED to know my cats are coming home with us!! But it seems that no matter how many times I explain this to him, Mac does what Mac does and just tells me to relax! if it's magically going to get better because he said a word and told me to do it! Well, It doesn't get better. In fact, I can "relax" during the day, but you know what ends up happening? I end up with panicky dreams and tossing and turning nights because MY MIND WON'T FUCKING RELAX UNTIL SOMETHING FUCKING HAPPENS!!  

So insane or just cracking up?? I haven't decided yet. I know what the issues are. I can control them while I'm awake, it's just while I'm sleeping that they get the better of me....

And now, some photos from my Saturday Alone :)

inside the sunflower maze

the castle ruin site

view from the top of the many stairs I climbed
marker at castle ruins
sunflower with a bee

sunflower field!

my little calico friend
the tomb with the wonky vibe

men fishing off the pier of the rest stop
also on the same small alcove with the wonky tomb
I found it simplistically beautiful

Lunch or friend??? I never got the answer to that question.

1 comment:

  1. Things will look better when you get home. And these are beautiful photos, you will look at them later and remember mostly the good times. Love you and miss you all. Aunt Lynne