Vulnerability overload....you've been warned!

    Holy shit, y'all! We are now less than a month away from leaving Okinawa and heading home to wonderful East Coast, USA! This is the beginning of the bittersweet last moments on Okinawa with friends like K and Miss Macy. The "controlled" chaos that comes with packing and moving an entire household. Plus the stress of realizing the days of carefree who-gives-a-shit-what-you-think-about-me-and-my-parenting attitude are numbered. Add in the multiple nights of nightmares and dreams that involve me being murdered, witnessing a murder or going to a funeral and it's no wonder I'm on medications!


   It's been easy, really damned easy, to walk around with a "fuck off" attitude towards people who don't like me or my parenting techniques. Because, let's face facts, outside of K, I really could give a flying fuck about what anyone on this island thinks of me. Don't believe me, ask me how I feel about some of the bitches on this rock! 
  But all that is about to end. 
   Pretty soon we're going to be eyeball deep in friends and family again, and I really will care when I hear comments about Nixon's behavior or my parenting (or lack thereof) skills. I know my friends won't make cruel or hurtful comments, but family...well that's another can of worms that you can't always control. Especially some of the "older" generation. *cough, Marsha, cough*
     I already have heard she's praying for Nixon because she's afraid his soul is doomed because we're not taking him to church or teaching him about christianity. I'm pretty sure if she sees a tantrum of his, she'll be on the phone calling her pastor for an exorcism since she once tried to have one done on me....seriously, no shit, y'all! My son's not evil, he's 3. He's willful, stubborn and sometimes a bit wild...basically everything my parents every wished a child of mine would be!


    But I'm not ready to hear (behind my back because NO one from the older generations actually goes to the source with issues, they just gossip behind everyone's backs, knowing eventually it'll get back to the person anyways...same result, less confrontation. Awesome stuff in my family....) that I can't handle my ONE child, or that Nixon needs more structure, or that he wouldn't behave like *that* if he had been in daycare and was around other kids regularly or any of the other stuff I already have running through my head about his behavior coming from someone else's mouth.


   I don't want Nixon to be judged and compared to everyone but it's going to happen. There's a BIG reason why I'm not ready to rush home and spend time with my family. I can't stand the thought of Nixon being compared to his cousins by a great-grandmother who looks at each child on a sliding scale of bullshit! I swear, if you asked her she'd tell you some crazy fact about each one of her grandkids (and now great-grandchildren) that has NO truth to it at all, but she uses it to compare all the others to that one child. And she is constantly comparing us all to each other! Nixon is going to be surrounded by a ton of new faces, thrust into new surroundings and if he doesn't want to hug GiGi she will never let me forget it! Like I should force him to love her after being away for so long!
Here's how that conversation would go:
GiGi: Nixon, come give GiGi a hug!
Nixon: I don't want to
GiGi: Nixon it's not nice to not hug people who love you.
Me: Gram, don't push him. He's just met you give him time to warm up to you first. 
GiGi: What do you mean he's just met me? I sent you pictures of us, he should recognize my face...you have shown him all those pictures I sent you, right? That's why I sent them, so he'd know who we were. We're his family, not strangers he should shy away from!
Me: Yes, Gram, I showed him the pictures but in person you're....not someone he knows, for now you're a stranger.
GiGi: Well, that's great Beck, way to keep him from us! Three years apart and now I can't even get a hug from him! Why are you trying to hurt me?!?


Sadly, I'm not exaggerating the above. I already feel like I'm screwed the minute I get "home" to see my family and they realize Nixon's 3 and I've already fucked him up!
    I'm prepared for comments like: 
"he's so tall, but skinny. Does he eat enough?" 
"Why is he wearing nail polish on his toes? Don't you know he'll catch the gay like that?" 
"Beck, you shouldn't be afraid to spank him more."


   I'm used to being judged by my family and letting it roll off my back. But now, as a mother....I'm not so sure. Because it's not just me being judged. It's my baby boy too. And as much as I'd like to say "Fuck off" to my grandmother for not liking how I handle something, I still have enough respect (and I'm teaching Nixon to have respect as well) NOT to do it. I may smart mouth, but cursing directly at her is still a no-no.