Things that make me vomit in my mouth....

Has anyone else seen this shit?? It's all over facebook (which is quickly becoming the bane of my existence these days) 
We have statuses like this:

1) being a young mom means we met a little early, but i get to love you longer. some people said my life would end when i had a baby but my life just began. you didn't take away my future you gave me a glourious new one. repost this if you're a proud young mom & the age you became one ♥xx♥

2) I am 13 weeks and craving Fudge!

3) DRUNKEN BAR FIGHT: My way is better
Who starts the fight: xxxx
Hits someone 1st with a bar stool:xxxxx Then she runs
Who falls off bar stool: xxxxx she was intoximakated
... They hit someone with empty bottle: xxxxx And says "What bitch"
Gets hit for no reason: xxxx but we all kick that guy's ass later
Throws somebody out the window: xxxx Yup
Who is thrown out the window: xxxx LOL
The sissy who calls the cops: This person is NOT my friend!!!!

These all have become frequent statuses and everytime I see them I vomit in my mouth. 

The first one sends the message that says "I had sex at a young age because I had nothing better to do and I'm telling myself it's okay now because I love my child and I never wanted to do anything else with my life but be a mother". It also says, you older moms who waited are stupid because you don't get as much time with your kids as I do.  I want to make a status that says "I'm an older mom. I waited to have a child. I selfishly enjoyed my life before bringing another life into this world and while I may not have as many years with my child on this earth together, I do know that each and every day I am blessed to spend with him/her, I focus on that child, not the longing to be young again or be pals with my child to relive my youth with my child. I had my youth and I know where to draw the line and be a parent, not my child's "best friend"." I also do not want to go shopping in the same clothing section as my child, nor do I want to go clubbing with my child. Look, why can't we let our kids be kids on their own, have friends of their own (because lets face it, they are going to have at least one friend that no matter how hard we try we just are not going to like and will never understand how that friendship works) and grow wings and leave the nest. Unless you want them to make you a grandparent before you're 35, now wouldn't that be an awesome facebook status?? 

The second one I have not participated in (and I am about to lose my girl card....once again! Seriously, I think once a year I get it yanked for random reasons.) This is "cleverly" disguised as "Breast Cancer Awareness" status. So was the X inches statues many women were posting. (that was shoe size followed by inches) The big secret is to make people think you're announcing a pregnancy when really you're cryptically writing you're birthday in some stupid secret language. Honestly, the first time, the bra color one...you know the one that actually made sense with regards to breast cancer awareness,  was the best one. Now the rest of these goddamned fucking wannabes are stupid as hell and frankly fill my inbox with a bunch of horse shit! Honestly, I'd post that shit "I'm six weeks and craving shit on a shingle with a side of ice cream and a pop tart" and as soon as I did, you know what would happen?? MY family would think it's a cruel joke and would be asshurt that I would joke about something as serious as a pregnancy with cravings, nevermind that Breast Cancer Awareness made me do it!! My grandmother (Marsha) is a breast cancer survivor, so I really do try to support any and all things breast cancer related, but I'm sorry, not at the expense of my own personal sanity! A good friend of mine said it best when his status was: "Breast cancer is bad. Get a mammogram. Check your boobs/moobs in the shower. Ask a doctor how. (See? it isn't that hard to talk about.)" 

Finally the third status. It's a game, I suppose. Totally random shit, like a mad lib, fill-in-the-blank type with names of people on your profile. It really has no point. I've seen zombie attacks, nursing home hyjinks, lots of bar related ones, some space/sci-fi ones (sorry Jes I still have no idea what it was about!). And they all have one common theme.....not a damn bit of reality. Just like mad libs, none of these do anything but elicit a couple giggles and usually only from the people who are listed or from people who know the people named and think it's a good match. (I was named in a nursing home one as "The one who is still getting it on" and that was funny to me! But I'm sure to other people the thought of an 80 year-old in a nursing home getting it on was a very vomit inducing image. Having had a few elderly family members in homes, it's a image I have built a castle around with a moat filled with underwater acid breathing dragons and little fire flicking gnomes on the bridge who lite the acid if ever the image starts to escape the castle so that I never have to actually picture such a horrible thing in my head!) 

The only thing I hate more than statuses like those I just mentioned, are those who come from joint accounts. Seriously, I feel like anyone with a shared account (I do have friends with shared accounts and while I love them, I honestly just don't get it....) has a personality disorder. Like I'm reading and I don't know if "he" or "she" wrote the status and sometimes I really want to just tell them both "It's okay to have a little bit of individuality, even if it means your own facebook page" Seriously, what couple really does EVERYthing together?!?!? Shit, I go weeks at a time without even looking at Mac's facebook page, let alone posting on it (well unless he's posting about my blog!), mainly because Mac's page consists of those goddamned fucking game updates more than anything else. Honestly, what the hell does he do on facebook besides play games?!?!? Beats the fuck outta me because I never see much of anything but game shit!!. But perhaps the biggest reason we'd never share a facebook profile is the most obvious of all: we both had well established, separate lives before becoming a married couple and we kept those separate lives to some extent after getting married. A shared account might have made being here and keeping everyone updated easier, but at the same time we both have people on our friends list neither of us would feel comfortable "talking" to. There's an ex of Mac's that I wouldn't feel bad to see disappear altogether but she's still on his list because, well honestly, she was in his life before I was and I'm not the kind of person to say "take her off your list", even if I really want to. And I'm sure I have some people on my friend's list that mac may not totally understand my friendships with, but again, they're my friends not his. Joint accounts (I'm assuming) only work when you have no qualms over sharing every aspect of your life with your partner and vice versa. But it also seems like you have no respect for each other's privacy since both people read the messages and shit like that. Where's the trust?? 

So, to sum it up: facebook tends to make me vomit on a regular basis.