"BAM in the cup yo!"

^^THIS is one of Nixon's favorite AFN (Armed Forces Network) commercials. He has been walking around for over a week saying "Bam I'm a sardogfn cup yo!" at the most random times. It's hilarious because there's no rhyme or reason to when he's saying.


So yesterday we went to the hospital here because I needed an x-ray on my wrist to rule out any old fractures causing the pain I've been having and Mac needed to go to the lab to find out when he needed to do to get his semen sample tested...because we're no fools! That vasectomy was not done in vain and until we're told it was successful there's no bareback rides happening at this rodeo! He picked up the cup and instructions, I got my x-ray and we came home. 
(**Now we're slowly beginning to realize, even if we're having a veiled conversation of inappropriate topic, Nixon might catch on. Yesterday he just happened to catch on and offer the perfect catch phrase ever!)


Me: so what's the deal with the cup?
Mac: I don't know I haven't read the instructions yet, but I'm guessing it's something like make a deposit then bring to the lab in a matter of X time.
Me: well, if it's going in the cup I'll help ya out with it....wink wink
Mac: we'll see
Nixon:(comes running over from eating his snack) BAM in the cup YO!
Mac and I: holy shit!!!! *as we laugh and almost fall on the floor losing our minds!*


What do you say after that??? Nothing! You laugh together because it really is the funniest fucking thing to have happen, planned or otherwise, made funnier by the fact that our almost 3 year-old said it!! Yep, there's no denying it, not that we ever really deny it, Nixon is SO our son. My temper, Mac's quick impatience/frustration and our combined comedic timing! Goddess help this kid's teachers!!!  

Snarky Bitches: you know one, you might even love one and deep down inside....you ARE one!

The reality of this blog actually began a couple days ago while talking to K about Oggie again, it began apparent, Oggie's become a full-on snarky bitch! But she's not any snarky bitch....she's a new-mom-know-it-all snarky bitch! 


Last night, K called me to tell me about the nurse she saw at her 6 week postpartum doctor's appointment, who rudely assumed K was disappointed to have 2 daughters! Not only did she voice this, she did so as K was there with her 6 week old daughter...you know the "disappointment" the nurse was talking about!! The true kicker to this, is that this crazy bitch nurse has NO children of her own and would assume, were she ever to meet me, that I must be disappointed to NOT have a daughter! There's no pleasing this crazy, nosey snarky bitch!


Which brings me to the true point of this blog.....Snarky Bitches! They're all around us, but it seems motherhood and all it's glory (read competitive nature) brings out the very best snarks. From the instant a woman is pregnant the snark beings. First comes the morning sickness...if you're not worshiping the toilet like a Westbro Baptist Church member picketing some unrelated event, you don't know what being pregnant is. Then comes the aches and pains (bitches I had cracked ribs..I fucking win!). Followed by the gender determination or not...a true mother lets the suspense of the gender reveal last the whole pregnancy. BUT, a family oriented mother will include the whole family in a big gender revealing themed party!! And it just goes from there. 
After the babies come it gets worst. Breastfeeding vs formula. Nursing vs pumping. Working vs stay-at-home. Cloth diapers vs disposable diapers. Vaccinations vs non-vax'ing. And of course every mother thinks SHE knows what's best for every child on the face of this earth. 
AND don't get me started on names!


Oh the hell with it....


Here's my experience with snarky bitches. I'm not naming names, but giving the situation. 
This one is called the Shield and Ignore Snarky Bitch:
   Mac works with this SISB. We've been to social gatherings with her in the past and I've spoken to her often enough that I know her name and she knows mine. BUT, recently (mostly due to me being me and not holding back) Mac and I have become "social outcasts" from the group she's a part of, even though Mac still works with these people. My name hasn't changed, Nixon's name is still the same....so it stands the reason if you say hello to Nixon and he's with me and I say hello to you, a hello or at least nod of the head to me would be acceptable, right?? WRONG! Nixon and I were running errands and ran into SISB and her boyfriend/not boyfriend (who did say hello to me and reminded me our fantasy draft was later that day). I was checking mail and Nixon was happily showing off his new toys, rewards for being so very well-behaved earlier that day. SISB says "Wow, Nixon those are really cool toys!" and shit like that to Nixon. I say "Yeah, further proof that mommy is a sucker for a well-behaved toddler" to which she says "Well Nixon, I've gotta go." and proceeds to walk out the door and totally not even make eye contact with me. 
   Now here's the thing: It's one thing to ignore me. It's another thing, to hide  behind the pretense of "I was paying attention to Nixon so I didn't even notice Rea there"....because everyone knows 2-year olds just travel the town by themselves these days and they're SO chatty! Fuck you, you snarky fake shielding bitch!! If you don't like me because your friend doesn't like me and she doesn't allow her husband to like me....whatever, but don't think for half a fucking second, that my son is a pawn to be used in your fucked up games! Thank you for not ignoring him, but next time don't bother spending time talking to him and having a conversation with him so you can carry on your snarktastic bitch mission! Just say hello and move along!


   After the SISB, there's the snarky bitches in the comfort of friends. Every single woman is guilty of this snarkiness. If you say you aren't.....you are a fucking liar! There. I said it! You call it gossip. I call it snark. 


   You get together with your girlfriends. You get together with co-workers for drinks after work. You have a night out without the kids with some women you know, your husbands work together. You are on a forum on a social networking site. The point is you all have something in common. As time goes on and you get more comfortable, the snark comes out. It starts out as something super small and petty: "Can you believe what X was wearing today?" and it slowly spirals into nicknames like "tacky bitch" and "Oggie" when discussing certain people. We all have certain things that people do that bother us. 


   I'm snarky towards people who have a leadership role, but require someone else to go to their house to relay a message so said leader can do their role. It takes time away from the other person's family and it's the person in the leadership role to make sure he/she can be reached. If there's an issue at hand they need to take more steps to fix it. Otherwise, they're not being a very good leader. And yes, I will be snarky and bitchy about that no matter who the leader is, because if you want to be in charge you need to be IN charge!


   
 I admit to being a snarky bitch. I don't hide it. I'm not snarky all the time though. I'm not randomly snarky either. If I feel I've been snarked, I'll let one slide. If I get another one, all bets are off. And there are a few people now, who have earned gold star snark status. Gold start status is an elite status there are maybe 5 people or less who have achieved goal. If you've reached gold star status....I'm a snarky bitch anytime your name is mentioned. Most recently one of my gold star card carrying members was mentioned in conversation. She is expecting baby number 2 and has been spouting all over the 'net that this one "better be a girl" and shit like this. I have NEVER understood statements like this....who puts demands on the unborn like that! I mean talk about pressure. The baby has no control over that shit...does no one remember biology anymore?!?!? If you weren't doing the reverse cowgirl, on a swing, during the full moon, while drinking dragons blood, wearing purple blindfolds, at exactly 1202am on a Tuesday you are NOT going to have a girl...EVERYone knows that!! Everyone! So what happens when she gets that magical ultrasound and the baby has 2 penises....(because that's what my snarky bitch ass is hoping for!! Let that bitch have SUPER BOY!!!).... And she starts crying over not having a girl and how unfair the world is....you know what her baby inside her is saying...."Motherfucker...are you serious?? I have 2 fucking penises and you're crying?!?!? Fuck you mom! You stupid cunt! I grew and extra penis to impress you and you're crying because I don't have ONE vagina. MOM, think about ALL the vagina I'm going to get with 2 penises!! Think of all the grandbabies I can give you!! Goddammit mom! You just wait till you get old and sick....I'm going to put you in the fucking dumpiest state funded nursing home...and I'm going to tell you it's because "I'm not a girl!" Fucking Cunt!"


^^ See that people....that is a gold star status snarky bitch rant! It's a fucking beautiful thing!


BTW...."Baby with 2 Penis" is the name of Mac's new band. If he ever formed a band.  

I'm doing something right...but I feel like shit

Well, we survived! Mac went back to work Friday night and we all lived to tell the tale of his leave time off with us. I love him, goddess knows I do, but I can not take him home all the time with Nixon. He wants Nixon to do exactly as he says. Nixon wants to do exactly what he's used to doing with me which is (unless he's really doing something wrong) pretty much whatever. I'm far more comfortable letting Nixon do his own thing than Mac is. It's a battle of the wills with them and I just get tired of picking sides. And it boils down to picking sides...all the damned time. Sometimes I have to back Mac up because, well he made a parental call and I have to respect that. Sometimes he's just being a dick and I have to call him on that too! Honestly, by the time the weekend hit I was ready for a day off!


But we all made it through. We even had a "fun" family date. Fun is in quotes because I didn't pay attention to the directions very well and we spent 30 more minutes in the car than we needed too and we ran into the rudest group of locals ever and almost puked at one of the exhibits from the rank stench of stagnant water. The plus side to the date was: Nixon had a ball making his very first video/documentary of our day. He had fun feeding birds with me and getting visited by butterflies. We let him lead where we went and he just ate up the experience!


And like any other child his age, tantrums are more elaborate now! We get the whole body thrown to the ground, the blood curdling screams of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", and he's started (only once so far) scratching at my face. **Now I don't know the exact proper way to handle this and it caught me totally off guard. I was wearing my wrist brace at the time, so I'm pretty limited on options and really shouldn't have been carrying him in the first place, but since he dropped on his belly in the middle of the parking lot, I had no real option. I picked him up and continued to the car...which led to the attempted face scratching. I grabbed his wrists with my good hand and tucked them into my armpit and kind of hugged them there, while talking into his ear telling him scratching mommy hurts me and makes me sad. I don't know if it helped or not, but I really had tears welling up in my eyes as I told him this.....which was just as we got to the car. Nixon gave me a kiss and said "I sorry mommy, don cry".** 


We've also been spending more time in Time Out. He still knows that when I get up and ask for his hand, he gives me his hand and we walk to T.O together. He sits on the newly painted T.O mat and will read the letters off of the mat. Sometimes he cries sometimes he just sits there.
Tonight before dinner he was being a real punk. Kept screaming at the cat! Like chasing her, getting right behind her, then yelling at her! I gave him one warning, two warnings, and before the third warning I brought him over to his bedroom for something and I saw him get ready to chase the cat again so I *snap* my finger and point in the direction of the T.O mat.....NOT to put him there but as a reminder that *IF* he does chase the cat a 3rd time he *WILL* got into T.O. Well....he gets hysterical, throws himself onto the T.O mat and sits there crying his little heart out!!! I have to get down on the floor with him, pick him up into my arms and apologize to him because I DID NOT send him to time out but was just reminding him if he chased the cat that was where he was going!! But damned if I wasn't just a little impressed that he got into T.O. without me saying a fucking word to him!! 
He calmed down after a couple minutes (and did not chase the cat again for the rest of the night!) and we enjoyed some more snuggles!


Tomorrow, because the heat's finally breaking here on Okinawa, we're hitting the zoo while Mac sleeps. 


Oh yeah, the wrist brace I mentioned...it's because I have carpal tunnel syndrome in my right wrist. I get to sleep with it on every night for 6 weeks.   

Ode to Coffee....

coffee...my love, my heart. 

I love how you smell
I love how you taste
I wait for you to brew, I sometimes love that teasing wait
I love you hot
I love you cold
I'll drink you black

Boss coffee vending machine...it's a Japan thing

I'll drink you bitter
I'll drink you with cream
I'll drink you a little sweet
I'll drink you from a cup 
I'll drink you from a can...thank you Japan for the joys of coffee in a can

funny and true!          

Oh coffee!
I make you at home
I pay for you when I'm out
My family and friends know you're the best gift to send me for any occasion
Coffee, let's be honest
I'm your bitch and you are my master
A bad cup of you is better than no cup at all
I'm sorry...don't hate me...there's no such thing as a bad cup of coffee!
DON'T LEAVE ME COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Oh coffee I love you!
I eat your lovely beans covered in chocolate...so yummy and tasty
I love espresso laced tiramisu it's coffee, cake and icing on one plate..practically nirvana!

coffee body scrub... it's awesome!

Oh coffee!
You even help make my skin glow with your exfoliating ways!





















Coffee, oh coffee
I love you, I need you, I crave you
I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to you
And I don't care who knows!

Apparently vaginas are not proper table conversation....pshhuuuhh

Some people just say things that beg to be made fun of. My friend K's friend who is a proud new member of the mommyhood club is such a person. (We'll call her Oggie)
Oggie has been a mom for less than a week. After a failed (and by failed I mean she spent a couple DAYS in an unsuccessful induced labor attempt) vaginal birth plan, she ended up requiring a c-section for both her and the baby's sake. End result? A beautiful baby girl who was a few days overdue. Now, I have ZERO experience in c-section, Nixon was delightfully (re:drug-induced mostly pain-free) pushed through my pleasure hole leaving behind one stitch and a very mild tear. I believe it was the least he could do after cracking 2 ribs and popping out a 3rd one around the early part of the third trimester. So I digress. 
K, on thee other hand, has had 2 c-sections, the first was because Miss Macy was also overdue and left her equally as miserable and the second...well it was planned because she felt no need to  attempt a vaginal birth. Afterall, with the c-section, she knew what to expect! So, Oggie (a very good, if not best friend, of K's to set the record straight) is telling K what she can and can't do "because I had a c-section" and K is like "yes, you can you lazy and/or crazy bitch!"


Which brings us to our (mis)adventures today. 


K and I met, (without the kids!!) and hung out at a crafters bazaar hosted by the USO. Lots of crap, and bows and tutus.....honestly people, when is someone going to realize there are moms with boys who'd buy shit at these things too????....We were talking about not being able to do "X" because "I just had a baby 4 weeks ago and my vagina is busted" or "I can't drive to get milk for Miss Macy because my vagina is still busted from the last baby I had" just really silly off the wall shit like that. 


Then came time to cash out, so we could pick up the items we were buying. (If it doesn't make sense that's okay. We weren't paying the vendors, we were paying the USO)
I was paying with my credit card so the guy behind the table asked for my phone number. 
me: xxx-xxxx-xxxx......but don't call because my husband's suspicious!
K: what??
me: OMG.....tell me why I found this...wait....ask me why I found this.....okay so I found my lace nighty tucked underneath the MRE's in Mac's typhoon bag still packed from his shift during that longass one, on top of the dryer!
K: Serious, what the shit??
me: I know right??, So I asked him and he says "Must've ended up there after you did some laundry" UNDER the MRE's??? yeah I'm buying
K: What the fuck did he do with it at work??
me: I wanna know what dirty skank he works with he let wear it.....cause now I should just burn it right??
K: ewww.....probably Xx
me: it's because I squeezed a baby out of my vagina for him almost 3 years ago, he's turned off by it now!
K: at least he's not turned on by socks!


(some of this may not be exactly the conversation...but it's the gist!) Now here's the uncomfortable part....the 2 guys behind the table, almost physically flinched everytime the word "vagina" was mentioned. The girl that was taking K's cash, she obviously didn't have kids, because she was trying very hard NOT to run away from our conversation in horror!


Moral of the day?? Vagina makes people uncomfortable....which makes having a normal conversation using that word in a crowded area PRICELESS!! and.....ZERO is not a size!  Thanks K, for a good day!! 

Ode to Pintrest....making me SuperMom and WonderWife!!

I have found religion and it's name is pintrestism!! I have been addicted to this site and have found some really incredible tips, how-to's, recipes, and fun ideas! Not only that, I've been inspired to start trying a lot of these things. My last blog,was inspired by something I saw and pinned on pintrest. And while it's not a perfect solution, as far as Nixon is concerned, it's working to soothe me during Nixon's trips to Time Out! Who knew?!?! 

So let me catch you up on the other things I've attempted because I found them on pintrest (and yes, I've done all of these this week during Mac's leave time. Everyone, except the cats so far, has benefited from this site!) I'll add a couple photos of the results too!! Seriously, I've had so much fun trying all these new and fun do-it-yourself things!!! 

On the WonderWife front: 

   Mac got his very first pedicure! I filled the baby tub we still had, with warm-hot water and had him soak his feet in it. I used the sugar scrub I bought him for yule on his feet, then I pumiced his feet, then I used the homemade foot scrub I made just for him on his feet. After letting them soak a few more minutes I dried them off and gave him a nice (and short...hey I'm going for WonderWife not Mother effing Teresa here) foot massage.

    (** my foot scrub was made like this: 1/2 cup oil, 1/4 coffee grounds (I used dry-striaght from the package grounds) and 1/4 brown sugar plus 1/4 tsp ground cinnamon....it was very yummy smelling, kind of messy but made his feet really soft, Very impressive for someone whose worn boots for more than 15 years and has rough and flacky feet. I stored the leftovers in the fridge for futures use...good for 3 weeks!) 

   Mac prefers waffles to pancakes. (Me? I'm a pancake kinda girl.) He bought a waffle maker this week, after I said I'd be willing to make (and freeze) waffles if we had a waffle maker, since both he and Nixon love waffles. 

    So Mac not only got to sleep in this morning, he also woke up to an amazing breakfast!! Freshly made whole wheat waffles, bacon, eggs and cut strawberries. I woke him up just in time for everything to be on the table ready to eat. A mostly delicious breakfast!

   (**waffles were dry but Mac gets Husband of the Year for not saying anything until I mentioned something. Even then he said "Well I just poured on syrup and they tasted fine to me!" Goddess love a man who can make excuses for a less than perfect meal! I know I do!)

Next, my endeavors as SuperMom! (my cape is in the mail!!)

dino head in bowl of rice

    Nixon loves dinosaurs. And we still have a ton of leftover, unused rice after the "drowning" incident of Mac's now Zombie computer. (Seriously...that thing is still alive and missing parts!!)  I found this cute little dinosaur and KNEW I had to make Nixon one. Even better, I thought letting him choose from the fleece I have might be more fun for him! But instead of filling it with stuffing, my HUSBAND....SuperDad, if you will, suggested filling it with rice. Which, is actually a great idea, because the dino can be used as an ice pack (if need be). (Sadly, need be within a couple hours of the little guy's completion tonight....honest to the pasta bowl in the sky!)

The finished product...in the rice!

And now the story of why it was needed...Nixon was playing with one of his larger toy trucks on the floor tonight. He somehow ended up faceplanting on the floor and bumped his eye bone, leaving a red mark and one loud crying child! So I grabbed the new dino and tossed it into the freezer for a couple minutes while Mac tried to calm Nixon down. While it wasn't cold enough to really do much, it did work in making Nixon ask for it and he did hold it to his face, though not his eye. 

   The damage???

not too clear a picture, but you can see the swelling under his eye and some discoloration for sure.... Poor Cookie Dough :(

    My other attempt at SuperMom was making washable body paint. Nixon still is fighting bath time and we're (read I'M) getting desperate to not have a screeching, screaming, crying mess of a son everytime he's in the tub. While he liked painting my tub walls, and even me, he was still not a fan of the bath itself. 

  (**next time: less food coloring...it almost left a stain on Nixon's arm from leaving it on one spot too long. A little color goes a long way!)

While I have a TON more ideas for Nixon, these were the only ones I've done for him. But he too benefited from the whole wheat waffles. 

Finally, when it came time to hang up my SuperMom cape and take off my WonderWife corset (it is not something to be worn for an extended period of time...not comfy at all!), I needed to do something to let me know that I loved me too! Pintrest had that covered too!

First a nice coffee facial scrub. Much like the foot scrub only without the sugar added. Very yummy smelling and left my skin deliciously smooth and soft! I washed my face like usual, then used this amazing scrub on my face and neck! So simple and amazing results! Plus...my hands smelled like coffee when I went to bed! Ahh....coffee infused dreams.

It actually IS supposed to look like mud....yummy coffee flavored mud :)

  Finally, the most tedious projects I've taken on this week: headbands made out of old tee shirts!!! I'm actually trying 3 different styles, but so far have only completed 2 of my 3 choices. The last one requires braiding and my wrists hurt (yeah, I'll be going to the doctor soon, it's probably carpal tunnel syndrome) so I'm pacing myself. Mac has a bunch of tees he's getting rid of, so I raided them and pulled out a few that I liked and figured are nuetral enough in color to be worn often. 

The first one was "simple": headband and twisty flower.  The headband part was so easy! measure head, cut tee, sew ends together. Done! The flower....not so much. Twist, tightly, winding, glue, twist, glue....it's not too bad, but it's not prefect either. 

see the glue gobs?? my glue gun hates me!

The next ones required me to look at 2 blogs for the how-to's! Once I figured it out...well I'm still not sure I've figured it out, but they look okay AND the gray one I made tonight, is actually really comfy (I'm wearing it right now!!)

**this one was complicated because of the wrapping/pulling of the knots and the length of the tee shirt "strands" I was working with. It's still super cute and since I don't like my hair in my face when I cook, or read, or breath, or pretty much any other time but I do like to try to wear my hair down and save stress on the ends by avoiding rubber bands, these will all be very cute solutions!! 

the brown knotted headband, thinner strands were used.

modeling the newly finished, thicker gray knot headband! I Loves it!!

So there you have it....Mac's on leave and I've been digging my superhero gig!! 

(And of course, in true Nixon fashion....this newest mark on his face comes just days before a family photo shoot!!! Oh well, wouldn't be a Wilcox-Ball photo shoot if someone wasn't sporting an injury. Last October Mac was still hobbling around on a bum knee through the castle ruins!)

Holy Cow...it's a blog about my crafty ass :)

I've recently joined the ranks of those addicted to pintrest.com. I can't even say how it started. I just requested to join, got approved and have been cruising and pinning ever since! Today I did my first project I found on the site, but like most thing I find on the internet, I adjusted to fit my needs. 

I started with a simple idea to help keep Nixon in Time Out. Lately Time Out involves Nixon singing and dancing his ass right off the T.O. mat or him trying to kiss his way out of the punishment to begin with. It's hard to have a naturally smooth-talking child as a mother, I assure you! One of my friends had pinned this on pintrest and I saw it, thinking "wow what a clever idea". And the need to make it got stronger by the minute!

Mac is on leave this week, just out of a need to take a break more than having a place to go or a burning desire to spend time with Nixon and I. So last night, I showed him a few ideas and this one was the top one I mentioned with the few items I'd need to make it. During the explanation of it, I was suddenly aware that handing a toddler in the middle of a meltdown a glass bottle might not be the best idea....BUT I had a solution! We still had Nixon's empty vitamin bottle with cap, waiting to be recycled, if I super glued the cap on, it'd be practically toddler indestructible! 

And so I was off to make my very own "Toddler Time Out Calming Glitter Jar" (as I've come to call it. Fallow the photos and instructions below to see how it turned out, won't you?? 
(**note: Nixon is napping right now, so he has not seen nor needed this tool yet**)

start with: glitter glue, glitter, clear bottle with secure top, 1 cup hot water, food coloring (and in my case because I know Nixon) super glue to glue the cap onto the bottle.

add approx. 1 tbsp glitter glue into bottle/jar

add the 1 cup hot water into the bottle/jar

cloudy.......

add glitter in the bottle/jar. I just poured a bunch on top of the water. too much?? too little?? It's a first attempt, it's not likely to be perfect, right??

I didn't have (and couldn't find) food coloring drops, so I had to use gel, hence the jizz looking blob! Just add a little to make the glitter POP. 

pretty....the food coloring jizz/gel starting to bleed into the water from the top.

The final product shaken up! It's kind of beautiful!

The glitter is settling at the top, not sure if it's supposed to or not, but that's how mine does it! All in all, it seems a perfect Nixon-friendly Time Out Calming Glitter Jar :)

Before I forget: to remove the label from the vitamin bottle, I filled the bottle with water and then soaked the bottle overnight in large bowl filled with hot soapy water. Mac woke up before me this morning and peeled the label off. It peeled off in one piece! He left it in the bowl and I was so amazed I thought it came off like that by itself overnight. (I have to admit I was more than a little disappointed that it did not happen like that). I used my thumb nail and peeled off the remaining adhesive on the bottle.