Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Snarky Bitches: you know one, you might even love one and deep down inside....you ARE one!

The reality of this blog actually began a couple days ago while talking to K about Oggie again, it began apparent, Oggie's become a full-on snarky bitch! But she's not any snarky bitch....she's a new-mom-know-it-all snarky bitch! 


Last night, K called me to tell me about the nurse she saw at her 6 week postpartum doctor's appointment, who rudely assumed K was disappointed to have 2 daughters! Not only did she voice this, she did so as K was there with her 6 week old daughter...you know the "disappointment" the nurse was talking about!! The true kicker to this, is that this crazy bitch nurse has NO children of her own and would assume, were she ever to meet me, that I must be disappointed to NOT have a daughter! There's no pleasing this crazy, nosey snarky bitch!


Which brings me to the true point of this blog.....Snarky Bitches! They're all around us, but it seems motherhood and all it's glory (read competitive nature) brings out the very best snarks. From the instant a woman is pregnant the snark beings. First comes the morning sickness...if you're not worshiping the toilet like a Westbro Baptist Church member picketing some unrelated event, you don't know what being pregnant is. Then comes the aches and pains (bitches I had cracked ribs..I fucking win!). Followed by the gender determination or not...a true mother lets the suspense of the gender reveal last the whole pregnancy. BUT, a family oriented mother will include the whole family in a big gender revealing themed party!! And it just goes from there. 
After the babies come it gets worst. Breastfeeding vs formula. Nursing vs pumping. Working vs stay-at-home. Cloth diapers vs disposable diapers. Vaccinations vs non-vax'ing. And of course every mother thinks SHE knows what's best for every child on the face of this earth. 
AND don't get me started on names!


Oh the hell with it....


Here's my experience with snarky bitches. I'm not naming names, but giving the situation. 
This one is called the Shield and Ignore Snarky Bitch:
   Mac works with this SISB. We've been to social gatherings with her in the past and I've spoken to her often enough that I know her name and she knows mine. BUT, recently (mostly due to me being me and not holding back) Mac and I have become "social outcasts" from the group she's a part of, even though Mac still works with these people. My name hasn't changed, Nixon's name is still the same....so it stands the reason if you say hello to Nixon and he's with me and I say hello to you, a hello or at least nod of the head to me would be acceptable, right?? WRONG! Nixon and I were running errands and ran into SISB and her boyfriend/not boyfriend (who did say hello to me and reminded me our fantasy draft was later that day). I was checking mail and Nixon was happily showing off his new toys, rewards for being so very well-behaved earlier that day. SISB says "Wow, Nixon those are really cool toys!" and shit like that to Nixon. I say "Yeah, further proof that mommy is a sucker for a well-behaved toddler" to which she says "Well Nixon, I've gotta go." and proceeds to walk out the door and totally not even make eye contact with me. 
   Now here's the thing: It's one thing to ignore me. It's another thing, to hide  behind the pretense of "I was paying attention to Nixon so I didn't even notice Rea there"....because everyone knows 2-year olds just travel the town by themselves these days and they're SO chatty! Fuck you, you snarky fake shielding bitch!! If you don't like me because your friend doesn't like me and she doesn't allow her husband to like me....whatever, but don't think for half a fucking second, that my son is a pawn to be used in your fucked up games! Thank you for not ignoring him, but next time don't bother spending time talking to him and having a conversation with him so you can carry on your snarktastic bitch mission! Just say hello and move along!


   After the SISB, there's the snarky bitches in the comfort of friends. Every single woman is guilty of this snarkiness. If you say you aren't.....you are a fucking liar! There. I said it! You call it gossip. I call it snark. 


   You get together with your girlfriends. You get together with co-workers for drinks after work. You have a night out without the kids with some women you know, your husbands work together. You are on a forum on a social networking site. The point is you all have something in common. As time goes on and you get more comfortable, the snark comes out. It starts out as something super small and petty: "Can you believe what X was wearing today?" and it slowly spirals into nicknames like "tacky bitch" and "Oggie" when discussing certain people. We all have certain things that people do that bother us. 


   I'm snarky towards people who have a leadership role, but require someone else to go to their house to relay a message so said leader can do their role. It takes time away from the other person's family and it's the person in the leadership role to make sure he/she can be reached. If there's an issue at hand they need to take more steps to fix it. Otherwise, they're not being a very good leader. And yes, I will be snarky and bitchy about that no matter who the leader is, because if you want to be in charge you need to be IN charge!


   
 I admit to being a snarky bitch. I don't hide it. I'm not snarky all the time though. I'm not randomly snarky either. If I feel I've been snarked, I'll let one slide. If I get another one, all bets are off. And there are a few people now, who have earned gold star snark status. Gold start status is an elite status there are maybe 5 people or less who have achieved goal. If you've reached gold star status....I'm a snarky bitch anytime your name is mentioned. Most recently one of my gold star card carrying members was mentioned in conversation. She is expecting baby number 2 and has been spouting all over the 'net that this one "better be a girl" and shit like this. I have NEVER understood statements like this....who puts demands on the unborn like that! I mean talk about pressure. The baby has no control over that shit...does no one remember biology anymore?!?!? If you weren't doing the reverse cowgirl, on a swing, during the full moon, while drinking dragons blood, wearing purple blindfolds, at exactly 1202am on a Tuesday you are NOT going to have a girl...EVERYone knows that!! Everyone! So what happens when she gets that magical ultrasound and the baby has 2 penises....(because that's what my snarky bitch ass is hoping for!! Let that bitch have SUPER BOY!!!).... And she starts crying over not having a girl and how unfair the world is....you know what her baby inside her is saying...."Motherfucker...are you serious?? I have 2 fucking penises and you're crying?!?!? Fuck you mom! You stupid cunt! I grew and extra penis to impress you and you're crying because I don't have ONE vagina. MOM, think about ALL the vagina I'm going to get with 2 penises!! Think of all the grandbabies I can give you!! Goddammit mom! You just wait till you get old and sick....I'm going to put you in the fucking dumpiest state funded nursing home...and I'm going to tell you it's because "I'm not a girl!" Fucking Cunt!"


^^ See that people....that is a gold star status snarky bitch rant! It's a fucking beautiful thing!


BTW...."Baby with 2 Penis" is the name of Mac's new band. If he ever formed a band.  

3 comments:

  1. Wow haha I just about died laughing!!!! That was crazy funny, but oooo so true!!! I have a few gold star people myself!! at some point you just think seriously, like are you fucking kidding me?! And I will openly admit to being a snarky bitch! ;-)

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  2. Snarky Bitchery runs in the family and should be worn like a Tierra!!! lol Please do not let me in on who the snarky bitch was who ignored you while talking to Nixon, because I will show her an all new level of Super Cunt she can't even imagine... <3 You Darlin, and your Snarky Bitch Ass! lol ;)

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  3. Update: yep, I called it. My 5 star card carrying member is having baby BOY #2. Only one penis though, unless he's saving that as his birth day surprise for mommy dearest.....TBC???

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