Saturday, September 17, 2011

Apparently vaginas are not proper table conversation....pshhuuuhh

Some people just say things that beg to be made fun of. My friend K's friend who is a proud new member of the mommyhood club is such a person. (We'll call her Oggie)
Oggie has been a mom for less than a week. After a failed (and by failed I mean she spent a couple DAYS in an unsuccessful induced labor attempt) vaginal birth plan, she ended up requiring a c-section for both her and the baby's sake. End result? A beautiful baby girl who was a few days overdue. Now, I have ZERO experience in c-section, Nixon was delightfully (re:drug-induced mostly pain-free) pushed through my pleasure hole leaving behind one stitch and a very mild tear. I believe it was the least he could do after cracking 2 ribs and popping out a 3rd one around the early part of the third trimester. So I digress. 
K, on thee other hand, has had 2 c-sections, the first was because Miss Macy was also overdue and left her equally as miserable and the second...well it was planned because she felt no need to  attempt a vaginal birth. Afterall, with the c-section, she knew what to expect! So, Oggie (a very good, if not best friend, of K's to set the record straight) is telling K what she can and can't do "because I had a c-section" and K is like "yes, you can you lazy and/or crazy bitch!"


Which brings us to our (mis)adventures today. 


K and I met, (without the kids!!) and hung out at a crafters bazaar hosted by the USO. Lots of crap, and bows and tutus.....honestly people, when is someone going to realize there are moms with boys who'd buy shit at these things too????....We were talking about not being able to do "X" because "I just had a baby 4 weeks ago and my vagina is busted" or "I can't drive to get milk for Miss Macy because my vagina is still busted from the last baby I had" just really silly off the wall shit like that. 


Then came time to cash out, so we could pick up the items we were buying. (If it doesn't make sense that's okay. We weren't paying the vendors, we were paying the USO)
I was paying with my credit card so the guy behind the table asked for my phone number. 
me: xxx-xxxx-xxxx......but don't call because my husband's suspicious!
K: what??
me: OMG.....tell me why I found this...wait....ask me why I found this.....okay so I found my lace nighty tucked underneath the MRE's in Mac's typhoon bag still packed from his shift during that longass one, on top of the dryer!
K: Serious, what the shit??
me: I know right??, So I asked him and he says "Must've ended up there after you did some laundry" UNDER the MRE's??? yeah I'm buying
K: What the fuck did he do with it at work??
me: I wanna know what dirty skank he works with he let wear it.....cause now I should just burn it right??
K: ewww.....probably Xx
me: it's because I squeezed a baby out of my vagina for him almost 3 years ago, he's turned off by it now!
K: at least he's not turned on by socks!


(some of this may not be exactly the conversation...but it's the gist!) Now here's the uncomfortable part....the 2 guys behind the table, almost physically flinched everytime the word "vagina" was mentioned. The girl that was taking K's cash, she obviously didn't have kids, because she was trying very hard NOT to run away from our conversation in horror!


Moral of the day?? Vagina makes people uncomfortable....which makes having a normal conversation using that word in a crowded area PRICELESS!! and.....ZERO is not a size!  Thanks K, for a good day!! 

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