So, this is going to show just how lame I really am. But it's also going to show how deeply grateful and touched I am that so many people read, and I hope, enjoy my blog.
My newest obsession is the stats of my blog. I check those multiple times during the day. I get giddy when I see the number creeping over 10, ease past 20 and you don't even want to know what happens if I happen to have a post that sees 30-40 hits in one day. It's embarrassing. No, it's funny but not something I'm ready to make public yet.
I pulled up my stats for this month. I'm a little amazed with how many people look at my blog and where you all are from! July's stats look like this:
United States 295/Japan 61/Canada 22/Malaysia 9/Australia 2/Germany 2/Austria 1/Azerbaijan 1/Bahamas 1/France 1/South Korea 1
First, thank you to everyone who has read anything I've ever written on this blog.
Second, how fucking cool is it that I have a reader in a country I couldn't even identify on a map?!?!? Nevermind find on a map, I can't ever pronounce it...which is not to say I don't appreciate the person who's read my blog from there, it's more to say America's school systems seriously fail their students. Azerbaijan according to Mac is south of Russia and north of Iran.
Third, yet more proof I was never very good at geography...I thought Austria had broken up as a country. Sorry about that y'all. I mentioned that to Mac and I asked him "Are you sure?" when he told me I was wrong.
The point of all this wasn't just to advertise my very obvious lacking in the geographical department, though it's a pretty huge shortcoming. The point is to say Thanks for Reading!! Can't wait to entertain you some more!
Cheers!
Friday, July 22, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Why I'm jealous of my cat & Our house is trying to kill all electronics in it!
Wow...you are some very lucky, lucky readers today!! First I gave you a ranty, cuss-free blog this morning addressing the less than military friendly practices of HP. Now, tonight I'm giving you a twofer...that's right a two-in-one blog tonight only!
Why I'm jealous of my Cat!!
(you'll need Amber's history of how she came to be a member of our family for this to make sense, so I'll keep it as short as possible)
Amber was originally named Bella and was once a stray with a litter of kittens. She was taken to a shelter, spayed, put up for adoption at the same time as her kittens and watched her kittens leave before she did. My sister went to that shelter, saw Bella, adopted her and took her home. Sadly, Bella was not a fan of infants and my sister had my niece to think of. Snotface (my sister) called me and asked if I could take Bella, instead of her having to return her to the shelter and say she's not good with children (Mac and I didn't have Nixon at this point). Mac and I discussed it, I made the 8 hour drive home, picked her up brought her back to Virginia and eventually we renamed her Amber (because I can't stand the name Bella...sorry, but it's just not a name anything in my house/family will ever be damned by).
Now the reasons why I'm jealous of Amber. Amber was spayed after having one litter of kittens, which she barely had to raise. Hell she never had to go through a toddler phase with her kittens! Lucky cat! Not only that, but being a cat, it would've been totally okay if she ATE one of her kittens!! She could've walked away and not taken care of any of them and we "caring" humans would've done all the hard work for her!! I mean, c'mon how fucking awesome is that?!?? Plus, cats don't pay for college, or diapers, or food. And cats don't have to potty train or deal with screeching, indepandant toddlers.
Yeah, I'm really jealous of Amber some days.
Our house is slowly murdering all our electronics!!
We've had a rash of recent electronic deaths and near deaths this week. First we had Nixon, popping off the keys from Mac's laptop. Then we had the watery death of Mac's laptop (and the rebirth of the Zombie Laptop!! complete with missing parts). Next came the close call of my coffee maker in the Flood of the Kitchen...it was saved (thank you Coffee Gods!!). I started to realize, some houses are cursed with ghosts and spirits, ours seems to have bad electronic mojo!
My worse fears were confirmed when tonight, in a brief moment of a flash blackout, my netbook's charger was fried! Yes, I am stupid enough to NOT have it plugged into a surge protector. So, I call Mac, trying to remain calm because I just purchased a 9 cell battery for my netbook yesterday!! While I called him, Nixon stood beside me saying "Momma, what is wrong? Are you okay, Momma? Momma, what happened?" Probably because I wasn't yelling at him and he didn't cause the broken shit, he felt like he did something wrong haha
After about 20 minutes, I tried to plug in my charger again....and it was working again.
So why wouldn't the power flicker again....within a minute of me plugging the fucking thing back in and charging my netbook again?!?!? (The reason for the new battery?? My old one holds a charge for less than an hour now...a freaking hour!! Yeah....I killed it, I realize that now.) So, of course, I think my charger got fried...again! I unplugged it, let it cool off, and tried not to freak out. Mac had already said we'd go and try to buy a new charger tomorrow for me. So, if it's dead, it's dead. But damn this house for trying to force me back into the stone age without my permission!!! I know where to find the Amish, I could go there if I wanted too, but I like running water and gas powered vehicles, computers, iPods and Internet too damned much to just live that way. PLUS....I like setting the preset timer on my coffee marker so that it's ready for me when I wake up in the morning. I also like the tv in the bedroom, that helps me eek out an extra 30-45 minutes of sleep in the morning (thanks to dvds and Nixon's ever changing taste in shows). I like microwaves (dear house....don't even think about that one, you've been warned!). And I like air conditioning and heat, depending on the time of year. Plus, my hair straightener.....I love the time I live in and I will not go quietly backwards. Yes, I'm refusing to accept another lifestyle...because I quite like mine just fine.
Fuck you house I will NOT yield!!!!
My charger is still working, at this time.
Why I'm jealous of my Cat!!
(you'll need Amber's history of how she came to be a member of our family for this to make sense, so I'll keep it as short as possible)
Amber was originally named Bella and was once a stray with a litter of kittens. She was taken to a shelter, spayed, put up for adoption at the same time as her kittens and watched her kittens leave before she did. My sister went to that shelter, saw Bella, adopted her and took her home. Sadly, Bella was not a fan of infants and my sister had my niece to think of. Snotface (my sister) called me and asked if I could take Bella, instead of her having to return her to the shelter and say she's not good with children (Mac and I didn't have Nixon at this point). Mac and I discussed it, I made the 8 hour drive home, picked her up brought her back to Virginia and eventually we renamed her Amber (because I can't stand the name Bella...sorry, but it's just not a name anything in my house/family will ever be damned by).
Now the reasons why I'm jealous of Amber. Amber was spayed after having one litter of kittens, which she barely had to raise. Hell she never had to go through a toddler phase with her kittens! Lucky cat! Not only that, but being a cat, it would've been totally okay if she ATE one of her kittens!! She could've walked away and not taken care of any of them and we "caring" humans would've done all the hard work for her!! I mean, c'mon how fucking awesome is that?!?? Plus, cats don't pay for college, or diapers, or food. And cats don't have to potty train or deal with screeching, indepandant toddlers.
Yeah, I'm really jealous of Amber some days.
Our house is slowly murdering all our electronics!!
We've had a rash of recent electronic deaths and near deaths this week. First we had Nixon, popping off the keys from Mac's laptop. Then we had the watery death of Mac's laptop (and the rebirth of the Zombie Laptop!! complete with missing parts). Next came the close call of my coffee maker in the Flood of the Kitchen...it was saved (thank you Coffee Gods!!). I started to realize, some houses are cursed with ghosts and spirits, ours seems to have bad electronic mojo!
My worse fears were confirmed when tonight, in a brief moment of a flash blackout, my netbook's charger was fried! Yes, I am stupid enough to NOT have it plugged into a surge protector. So, I call Mac, trying to remain calm because I just purchased a 9 cell battery for my netbook yesterday!! While I called him, Nixon stood beside me saying "Momma, what is wrong? Are you okay, Momma? Momma, what happened?" Probably because I wasn't yelling at him and he didn't cause the broken shit, he felt like he did something wrong haha
After about 20 minutes, I tried to plug in my charger again....and it was working again.
So why wouldn't the power flicker again....within a minute of me plugging the fucking thing back in and charging my netbook again?!?!? (The reason for the new battery?? My old one holds a charge for less than an hour now...a freaking hour!! Yeah....I killed it, I realize that now.) So, of course, I think my charger got fried...again! I unplugged it, let it cool off, and tried not to freak out. Mac had already said we'd go and try to buy a new charger tomorrow for me. So, if it's dead, it's dead. But damn this house for trying to force me back into the stone age without my permission!!! I know where to find the Amish, I could go there if I wanted too, but I like running water and gas powered vehicles, computers, iPods and Internet too damned much to just live that way. PLUS....I like setting the preset timer on my coffee marker so that it's ready for me when I wake up in the morning. I also like the tv in the bedroom, that helps me eek out an extra 30-45 minutes of sleep in the morning (thanks to dvds and Nixon's ever changing taste in shows). I like microwaves (dear house....don't even think about that one, you've been warned!). And I like air conditioning and heat, depending on the time of year. Plus, my hair straightener.....I love the time I live in and I will not go quietly backwards. Yes, I'm refusing to accept another lifestyle...because I quite like mine just fine.
Fuck you house I will NOT yield!!!!
My charger is still working, at this time.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Hewlett-Packard.....the Delta of the computer world??
Have I caught your attention now?? Can I borrow it for a few minutes, I've got a bit of a rant about HP and it's not very pretty.
Mac has been "shopping" for a new computer for a few months now, but until recently wasn't in a buying state of mind. That all changed earlier this week. So, after a couple people he knew recommended HP because of their "stellar" military discounts Mac built, paid for (hit a road block regarding the shipping apparently they don't ship to APO/FPO addresses...strike 1 HP), resolved this by paying $20 and using a service that gives a stateside address then forwards the item to your APO/FPO address, and received a confirmation email that his order was being processed. Mac was happy to be done with the stress of shopping for a new laptop.
Until he checked his email and saw this message from HP:
"Order Canceled- Please Call"
Mac came home from work this morning and called HP, to find out what the issue was and why they'd canceled the order. Was there a problem with the APO/FPO shipping company he was using to get to computer sent here? Was there something wrong with the components of the computer he'd built? Was the military discount code somehow invalid now? What was the issue? (knowing my husband, this drove him nuts all night at work...this not knowing why and having to wait to get an answer)
He called, and was put on hold for over 15 minutes. He was directed to the Corporate Headquarters and he got an apology for the inconvenience of a canceled order. He was asked for his location, so that "I may direct you to several HP stores nearby so that we may assist you in person better" (umm....here's a hint, lady, check your records and look at the billing info to see where the address is before offering this HOT PIECE OF HELP next time.....). Mac responded "I'm stationed overseas in Okinawa, Japan so you're suggesting I wait another year before getting a new computer from you??" She said "We'd be happy to assist you when you return to the states."
Here's the best part. The entire reason for the cancellation of Mac's order?? Are you sitting down? This came directly from HP's headquarters.
**crickets**
Yep, that's right. They did not give a reason for the canceled order. Not one single excuse. Not even some lame, half-assed excuse that you know is a lie, but at least they're making the attempt to lie to you, so you feel like that they care enough to lie to me so they must care a little bit about my business, so it's kind of okay? No, HP made no attempt at any of that. Instead they've still got a hold on my husband's bank card, for the amount of the computer ($379.00) for the next few days, even though they canceled the order, because, of course!, they processed his credit card info before canceling the order, so that's not why the order was canceled either. (The funds should be released in a few days, Mac's bank is very good about that. If it's not he'll call and get it taken care of, we're not too worried about it as far as that goes...after all he has the email that says "Order Canceled- Please Call" from HP).
The thing that really boils my blood is: why say "Please Call" if you have no intentions of explaining WHY the order was canceled? No explanation was given. NO resolution reached. Mac doesn't have a laptop coming his way from HP. But HP can still tote themselves as military friendly. Apparently, they're only military friendly if you're right their in their face, in uniform, in a store, setting their representatives minds at ease that you in fact truly do serve in the military.
And you know what, I'd even have understood (and I know Mac would have too), if he'd been told they wanted to verify his military service somehow, before processing the order. But no, they canceled it, wasted his time by having him call them and never gave him an explanation.
Hewlett-Packard......My husband is still waiting for a legitimate reason for your cancellation of his order.
Mac has been "shopping" for a new computer for a few months now, but until recently wasn't in a buying state of mind. That all changed earlier this week. So, after a couple people he knew recommended HP because of their "stellar" military discounts Mac built, paid for (hit a road block regarding the shipping apparently they don't ship to APO/FPO addresses...strike 1 HP), resolved this by paying $20 and using a service that gives a stateside address then forwards the item to your APO/FPO address, and received a confirmation email that his order was being processed. Mac was happy to be done with the stress of shopping for a new laptop.
Until he checked his email and saw this message from HP:
"Order Canceled- Please Call"
Mac came home from work this morning and called HP, to find out what the issue was and why they'd canceled the order. Was there a problem with the APO/FPO shipping company he was using to get to computer sent here? Was there something wrong with the components of the computer he'd built? Was the military discount code somehow invalid now? What was the issue? (knowing my husband, this drove him nuts all night at work...this not knowing why and having to wait to get an answer)
He called, and was put on hold for over 15 minutes. He was directed to the Corporate Headquarters and he got an apology for the inconvenience of a canceled order. He was asked for his location, so that "I may direct you to several HP stores nearby so that we may assist you in person better" (umm....here's a hint, lady, check your records and look at the billing info to see where the address is before offering this HOT PIECE OF HELP next time.....). Mac responded "I'm stationed overseas in Okinawa, Japan so you're suggesting I wait another year before getting a new computer from you??" She said "We'd be happy to assist you when you return to the states."
Here's the best part. The entire reason for the cancellation of Mac's order?? Are you sitting down? This came directly from HP's headquarters.
**crickets**
Yep, that's right. They did not give a reason for the canceled order. Not one single excuse. Not even some lame, half-assed excuse that you know is a lie, but at least they're making the attempt to lie to you, so you feel like that they care enough to lie to me so they must care a little bit about my business, so it's kind of okay? No, HP made no attempt at any of that. Instead they've still got a hold on my husband's bank card, for the amount of the computer ($379.00) for the next few days, even though they canceled the order, because, of course!, they processed his credit card info before canceling the order, so that's not why the order was canceled either. (The funds should be released in a few days, Mac's bank is very good about that. If it's not he'll call and get it taken care of, we're not too worried about it as far as that goes...after all he has the email that says "Order Canceled- Please Call" from HP).
The thing that really boils my blood is: why say "Please Call" if you have no intentions of explaining WHY the order was canceled? No explanation was given. NO resolution reached. Mac doesn't have a laptop coming his way from HP. But HP can still tote themselves as military friendly. Apparently, they're only military friendly if you're right their in their face, in uniform, in a store, setting their representatives minds at ease that you in fact truly do serve in the military.
And you know what, I'd even have understood (and I know Mac would have too), if he'd been told they wanted to verify his military service somehow, before processing the order. But no, they canceled it, wasted his time by having him call them and never gave him an explanation.
Hewlett-Packard......My husband is still waiting for a legitimate reason for your cancellation of his order.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
"she's aged a lot" and shit that doesn't belong in the toilet....
The saga of broken shit continues...
Mac let his laptop sit in a pan of rice for 24 hours. He then spent over an hour replacing the keys on the keyboard before booting the laptop up. At first, it wasn't looking good. The lights all came on, but nothing else seemed to happen. He left it alone for about half an hour, when all of a sudden....it started booting up!! Holy shit the rice trick fucking worked!! Except...he then had the hardest time (and I totally expected the laptop to go flying at the wall and shatter into a thousand pieces, because that would've been really cool to see and also would have been one hell of a way to go and end the life of the Zombie laptop....It's ALIVE!!) entering his password because some of the keys were sticking or stuck, making it hard to type. That seems to have finally worked itself out, for now, but a new laptop (.....*sigh* it was supposed to be a netbook originally, but somehow morphed into a notebook last night when the actual purchase was being made. THAT was not a pretty argument, however I am quite proud of myself for not bringing up my ruined/ forgotten birthday request as an example of how I never get what I ask for and how Mac always gets exactly what he wants.....well until he reads the blog!)
So the Zombie laptop, returned from it's water-drenched grave will be with us until the new NOTE(not net)book arrives, in the next couple of weeks.
And Nixon's trail of destruction and terror continues.
Yesterday, I made a skype phone call to my grandparents, during which Nixon quietly played in another room. (Danger! Danger! Danger!!) Before I get to the danger, I have to share this awesome conversation with my grandparents about their 54th wedding anniversary:
Every now and then, my grandpa says some really deep things! I also love that he said she aged a lot!! My grandpa is an awesome guy!!
Now back to my story...
While that awesome conversation was going on, Nixon was playing quietly. He was playing car wash. He was washing his matchbox cars. He was washing his cars, in the toilet, and rinsing them in my bathroom sink!! And he was being super quiet about it too! My bathroom looked like a flood zone. Nixon got tossed into the bathtub (after I filled it with water, of course!). The cars were given a bleach bath in the kitchen sink. And I....learned anytime a toddler is quiet AND out of your sight, he's getting into trouble or sleeping!
Nixon was NOT sleeping.
While writing this blog, Nixon flooded the kitchen...with Nursery Water. Seriously...fuck my life!!! Is it too late to rethink this whole parenting gig?? Or maybe I should just not be writing blogs while Nixon's awake?? Nah...what fun would that be right?? I mean that's seriously just taking the easy way out!
Here's to another flooded room in the house.
OR
Another clean floor.
See...cup half full kind of day! Of course it's a bullshit way of looking at it, but it's keeping me from looking for that donation box......
Mac let his laptop sit in a pan of rice for 24 hours. He then spent over an hour replacing the keys on the keyboard before booting the laptop up. At first, it wasn't looking good. The lights all came on, but nothing else seemed to happen. He left it alone for about half an hour, when all of a sudden....it started booting up!! Holy shit the rice trick fucking worked!! Except...he then had the hardest time (and I totally expected the laptop to go flying at the wall and shatter into a thousand pieces, because that would've been really cool to see and also would have been one hell of a way to go and end the life of the Zombie laptop....It's ALIVE!!) entering his password because some of the keys were sticking or stuck, making it hard to type. That seems to have finally worked itself out, for now, but a new laptop (.....*sigh* it was supposed to be a netbook originally, but somehow morphed into a notebook last night when the actual purchase was being made. THAT was not a pretty argument, however I am quite proud of myself for not bringing up my ruined/ forgotten birthday request as an example of how I never get what I ask for and how Mac always gets exactly what he wants.....well until he reads the blog!)
So the Zombie laptop, returned from it's water-drenched grave will be with us until the new NOTE(not net)book arrives, in the next couple of weeks.
And Nixon's trail of destruction and terror continues.
Yesterday, I made a skype phone call to my grandparents, during which Nixon quietly played in another room. (Danger! Danger! Danger!!) Before I get to the danger, I have to share this awesome conversation with my grandparents about their 54th wedding anniversary:
grandma: blah, blah, blah...very subtle "do you know what the 20th of this month is?"
me: "I don't know...I'm going to guess, I'm sure someone has a birthday that day...I mean someone in the world had to have been born on that day, right?"
grandma: "Well, yes, your uncle tim was born that day...but that's not what I meant."
me: "Well, I wasn't totally wrong now was I?"
grandpa: "Marsha, this will go quicker if you just tell her." (I always love when he drops the Marsha bomb on her ass!!)
grandma: "It's our anniversary. Our 54th anniversary"
me: "Holy crap! You've been waking up and looking at the same face across from your coffee cup every morning for 54 years?!?!? What is that like?"
grandpa: "Well not the same face. She's aged a lot in 54 years!"
grandma: "That is not true"
me: "Do you ever pretend she's someone else just to switch it up?" (sadly neither of them answer my serious inquiry here....)
grandpa: "My sister's been married for 69 years last month."
me: "Well that's kind of a magical number I'll never reach....
grandma: "I don't get it"
me: "...because I got married much later in life than you guys did. But wow! 54 and 69 years. Shit...opps shoot! I was happy just to make it to 3 years this year! Now I'm not feeling so accomplished, thanks gram"
grandpa: "Beck, we all had to get to 3 years before we could see 54 years."
Every now and then, my grandpa says some really deep things! I also love that he said she aged a lot!! My grandpa is an awesome guy!!
Now back to my story...
While that awesome conversation was going on, Nixon was playing quietly. He was playing car wash. He was washing his matchbox cars. He was washing his cars, in the toilet, and rinsing them in my bathroom sink!! And he was being super quiet about it too! My bathroom looked like a flood zone. Nixon got tossed into the bathtub (after I filled it with water, of course!). The cars were given a bleach bath in the kitchen sink. And I....learned anytime a toddler is quiet AND out of your sight, he's getting into trouble or sleeping!
Nixon was NOT sleeping.
While writing this blog, Nixon flooded the kitchen...with Nursery Water. Seriously...fuck my life!!! Is it too late to rethink this whole parenting gig?? Or maybe I should just not be writing blogs while Nixon's awake?? Nah...what fun would that be right?? I mean that's seriously just taking the easy way out!
Here's to another flooded room in the house.
OR
Another clean floor.
See...cup half full kind of day! Of course it's a bullshit way of looking at it, but it's keeping me from looking for that donation box......
Sunday, July 17, 2011
It's Monday so why wouldn't the world end today??
Haha....So, remember this post from just yesterday, when I thought I was getting divorced? Yeah that was funny wasn't it? Turns out I was actually predicting the future just a bit too.
Mac let me sleep in this morning and he got up with Nixon. I love when he does this. (He got cut loose from work early last night, so not only did we get to see each other for a bit, for the first time all weekend, but I knew Mac was home when I fell asleep last night.) It was nice. Until he work me up like this:
Mac: It's 9:30 babe.
Me: (some kind of noise that is totally unintelligible)
Mac: Nixon spilled water on my computer and it won't turn on
Me: Are you serious??
Mac: Yeah (and he left the room)
Me: shit, well I'm awake now
So the story is, Mac left his water bottle next to his laptop while he was fixing Nixon's breakfast. Nixon managed to pull off a couple keys and then spill the water (because the top wasn't securely on...so not totally Nixon's fault). He was so quiet when it happened Mac hadn't even noticed what happened, he thought the powercord came loose at first. Nixon even tried to clean up the mess with wipes, before Mac gave him breakfast.
The laptop is in a big pan of rice, but it's not looking good. We'll see, but it might really be time for that new laptop.
And Mac's desk is now an automatic trip to Time Out for Nixon. There's no other option. Also, I'm pretty sure Mac's not allowed to have liquids on that desk anymore either, since this was also partly his fault.
The "best" part??? This all happened while I was sleeping, so this is in no way, shape or form my fault at all!!! It's a wonderful feeling :) I mean I'm heartbroken that Mac's laptop took a bath and all....but wasn't me!
Mac let me sleep in this morning and he got up with Nixon. I love when he does this. (He got cut loose from work early last night, so not only did we get to see each other for a bit, for the first time all weekend, but I knew Mac was home when I fell asleep last night.) It was nice. Until he work me up like this:
Mac: It's 9:30 babe.
Me: (some kind of noise that is totally unintelligible)
Mac: Nixon spilled water on my computer and it won't turn on
Me: Are you serious??
Mac: Yeah (and he left the room)
Me: shit, well I'm awake now
So the story is, Mac left his water bottle next to his laptop while he was fixing Nixon's breakfast. Nixon managed to pull off a couple keys and then spill the water (because the top wasn't securely on...so not totally Nixon's fault). He was so quiet when it happened Mac hadn't even noticed what happened, he thought the powercord came loose at first. Nixon even tried to clean up the mess with wipes, before Mac gave him breakfast.
The laptop is in a big pan of rice, but it's not looking good. We'll see, but it might really be time for that new laptop.
And Mac's desk is now an automatic trip to Time Out for Nixon. There's no other option. Also, I'm pretty sure Mac's not allowed to have liquids on that desk anymore either, since this was also partly his fault.
The "best" part??? This all happened while I was sleeping, so this is in no way, shape or form my fault at all!!! It's a wonderful feeling :) I mean I'm heartbroken that Mac's laptop took a bath and all....but wasn't me!
broken shite + facebook will eventually lead to Star Wars...true story!
Before I get to the awesomeness that is the title, let me say my marriage is saved!!! Mac found the V key! Turns out, it had slid under the space bar. And, he claims, he wouldn't have divorced me over a missing key in the first place, since the button still worked it was just missing. Had it not worked it would've been taken into consideration. Apparently.
On with the story!
To spread the word about my blogs, I post the most recent ones in a link on my facebook page. Today's was no exception. Sometimes it gets a couple "like", maybe a comment or two, sometimes nothing. It is what it is. This morning's blog was commenting genius from my friends and I felt the need to share because I know not all my blog readers are on my facebook friends list. So I'm going to copy and paste the comments, remove the names and the do something creative with colors so you, my entertained readers, can see and identify the commentators somehow other than names. Because trust me, this is pretty common stuff with my friends and you don't want to miss it! And, best of all, it all goes hand-in-hand with the previous blog! Its the circle of life of a blog!
So here it is...Enjoy the mindless and yet deeply potentially offensive thought processes of my friends and myself!
(1)omg- thanks to Owen my laptop is missing two keys, the "up" and "down" keys, which makes it difficult to scroll web pages because those keys are so convenient. Said laptop would be missing more if it wasn't for my scary growl.... well more like I check on him every two minutes if he's not within eyesight. Us women got the screwy end of the deal here! ;)
(4)Ur right 3..Star Wars is like the bible...full of outrageous stories and inconsistencies...Not to mention incest...Star Wars is horrible, all 6 of them
(3)*sigh* Perhaps comparing Star Wars to the Bible wasn't a good comparison. I actually LIKE Star Wars and I'm pretty sure no one's been killed over it...
(3)Because, Rea, in the end, it always comes back to Star Wars.
On with the story!
To spread the word about my blogs, I post the most recent ones in a link on my facebook page. Today's was no exception. Sometimes it gets a couple "like", maybe a comment or two, sometimes nothing. It is what it is. This morning's blog was commenting genius from my friends and I felt the need to share because I know not all my blog readers are on my facebook friends list. So I'm going to copy and paste the comments, remove the names and the do something creative with colors so you, my entertained readers, can see and identify the commentators somehow other than names. Because trust me, this is pretty common stuff with my friends and you don't want to miss it! And, best of all, it all goes hand-in-hand with the previous blog! Its the circle of life of a blog!
So here it is...Enjoy the mindless and yet deeply potentially offensive thought processes of my friends and myself!
(1)omg- thanks to Owen my laptop is missing two keys, the "up" and "down" keys, which makes it difficult to scroll web pages because those keys are so convenient. Said laptop would be missing more if it wasn't for my scary growl.... well more like I check on him every two minutes if he's not within eyesight. Us women got the screwy end of the deal here! ;)
(2)quick, Rea, get some black electrical tape and white out...make a new 'V' key and see how long it take him to notice. hehe
Rea Wilcox-Ball Good idea 2! But I think he'd notice a lot faster than you'd think, his laptop has arabic letters on the keys too! lol
(3)Mac will give you shit over it but that's what Mac does. I can't see him being upset enough to divorce you over it. If you had fucked up some of his Star Wars stuff, however... It was nice knowing you cause that shit is punishable by death and it says so in the Constitution.
Rea Wilcox-Ball haha 3, his Star Wars stuff has been relocated and safely removed from Nixon's reach by myself on several occasions as he's gotten older. I know my role in that aspect.
And to be fair...I was the one whose mp3 player got a coffee bath courtsey of Nixon, so a missing key seems petty in comparison.
(4)I'm still stuck on how he will get a new laptop, because a letter is missing...As a guy, 1 or 2 shits a day is sufficient for me unless something is wrong with my stomach (illness, food poisoning, etc.), nose picking/farting/etc. should only be done in private whenever possible (Manners 101), 4 shits a day and extremely odorous gas makes me wonder what he's eating or what is physically wrong with him and is it a serious illness?, Star Wars are just bad movies (writing, plot, acting (except for Harrison Ford and Chewbacca)). As for the parenting stuff, not there and not a parent.And to be fair...I was the one whose mp3 player got a coffee bath courtsey of Nixon, so a missing key seems petty in comparison.
Rea Wilcox-Ball haha...4 his laptop's old and he's been pricing new ones for a while. This might be the final push to get him the new one. We're working on the nose picking at home only. Mac eats lots of spicy foods and puts spice on everything.
Chewbacca carried that entire series! :)
Chewbacca carried that entire series! :)
(3)Hey now. Star Wars is like the Bible on film. You don't speak ill of the Word. It's just bad luck. And, yeah, Mac's shitting habits are a thing of legend and going more than once or twice in a day is not normal. At least, as far as I've seen. I don't go that often and I have a medical condition that does weird shit to my stomach and intestines.
(5)Effing awesome! We should run off and live happily ever after with Beyonce and leave Mac and Cam to live out their days fighting over the toilet...(4)Ur right 3..Star Wars is like the bible...full of outrageous stories and inconsistencies...Not to mention incest...Star Wars is horrible, all 6 of them
(3)*sigh* Perhaps comparing Star Wars to the Bible wasn't a good comparison. I actually LIKE Star Wars and I'm pretty sure no one's been killed over it...
Rea Wilcox-Ball Star Wars and the Bible are both epic works of fiction that have led to millions of stupid discussions about the pointless justification of almost any topic known to man in relation to Star Wars and/or the Bible. AND both Star Wars and the Bible have a figure that came back from death (or close to death Anikan I'm looking at you) to be followed by and defended by thousands of people and it doesn't always end well for said followers.
Rea Wilcox-Ball And how in the hell did a blog about broken shit spin off into a rant about Star Wars vs the Bible in epic works of fiction?!?!?
(5)Cuz that's what blogs do! Too bad Mac didn't win Peter's laptop giveaway...I could've saved your marriage.(3)Because, Rea, in the end, it always comes back to Star Wars.
Moral of the story....there isn't one. But my geeky atheist husband isn't ready to get rid of me yet, his computer is fixed, I have a lesbian offer on the table (yeah baby!!) and I probably offended or helped to offended Christians and Star Wars fans alike, all in one afternoon....on facebook...with the help of some friends. All because Nixon managed to pull a few keys off Mac's laptop.
Parenthood, it is so not what I signed up for.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Even Wonder Woman dropped the ball sometimes, right?!?!?
Someday, when Nixon comes to me and asks me why his daddy and I aren't married anymore, I'll tell him the truth....Mommy couldn't do everything at once and Daddy's shit got broken in the process, and we called it a day. See I take the blame, the truth is told and it's not Nixon's fault.
That day is today, by the way. Not our divorce, but the day Mac's shit got broken when I couldn't do it all. I'm not a goddamned spider, I only have 2 eyes and they happen to be located on the front of my head! Damned evolution has not caught up with parenting toddlers obviously!
I had to unload the dishwasher, reload it with pots and pans so I could make Mac's dinner to send to work with him. We have a storm in the area and it may or may not affect us enough to keep Mac at work longer than his scheduled shift, so better to be safe than starving! Nixon was supposed to be on the sofa watching "mater", I came out to check on him and once walked by Mac's computer.
And had a "this is the end of my marriage moment". It was missing 4 keys!! I found 3, but I can not find the V. The fucking V is gone!!! I've looked everywhere, Nixon's room, bathroom, kitchen, garbages, cat litter....can not find it. So, I guess, Mac will (a) be getting the new computer he's been eyeing and (b) get all bragging rights to mastering the parenting skills since this happened to HIS shit on MY watch.
However...in my defense, this would never happen during Mac's watch for a few reasons.
#1. Mac is never NOT in front of his computer
#2. Mac never does anything that requires him to leave the room for a lengthy period of time without me watching Nixon, this includes his 4 daily shits! Yes, count them 4 shits, and he gets to do them in peace. Me? NO, my bathroom is command central as far as Nixon's concerned and since he's potty training he has to "monkey see, monkey do" somewhere, right? So while Mac gets to relax when vacating the hostages, I get to entertain a toddler who likes to get up close and personal during the cleaning phase of that process....yeah, it's, umm, interesting I suppose.
#3. Mac does not cook, so Mac does not realize that I can not always do it while Nixon is sleeping and have it done in time for Mac to take to work.
#4. Mac is not Wonder Woman....he doesn't have the breast for the costume. Frankly, neither do I, but I can fake it!
#5. I am home with Nixon all day and I have to leave the room and do other stuff or I'll lose my ever loving mind at some point, Mac has that point as well, but usually I'm around so he never reaches it.
#6. I had a point here but I lost it somewhere around Mac's 4 daily shits.... seriously, is it all men or did I just marry a really regular one?!?! By the way, this is the same man who has no problem discussing his farts but is trying to discourage our son from picking his nose. Like one is worse than the other?!?!? I have no idea if that's true (farts are worse than picking your nose or vice versa) but I will say, boogers don't make me turn green and almost puke with no warning. But a small breeze in my direction followed by a glance at my husband, with that silly guilty look on his face and him saying "What??? Did you fart??" can have that effect on me.
Okay so the moral of the story is....because I try to do everything and epically failed, Mac now is the proud (well not so proud when he wakes up and sees what happened) owner of a laptop missing the V-key and someday when we get divorced our reason for ending the marriage will be: "Wife is not Wonder Woman" or "Bitch done lied to me and my shit be ruined!" You'll see us on Divorce Court or in Judge Judy's court room.
That day is today, by the way. Not our divorce, but the day Mac's shit got broken when I couldn't do it all. I'm not a goddamned spider, I only have 2 eyes and they happen to be located on the front of my head! Damned evolution has not caught up with parenting toddlers obviously!
I had to unload the dishwasher, reload it with pots and pans so I could make Mac's dinner to send to work with him. We have a storm in the area and it may or may not affect us enough to keep Mac at work longer than his scheduled shift, so better to be safe than starving! Nixon was supposed to be on the sofa watching "mater", I came out to check on him and once walked by Mac's computer.
And had a "this is the end of my marriage moment". It was missing 4 keys!! I found 3, but I can not find the V. The fucking V is gone!!! I've looked everywhere, Nixon's room, bathroom, kitchen, garbages, cat litter....can not find it. So, I guess, Mac will (a) be getting the new computer he's been eyeing and (b) get all bragging rights to mastering the parenting skills since this happened to HIS shit on MY watch.
However...in my defense, this would never happen during Mac's watch for a few reasons.
#1. Mac is never NOT in front of his computer
#2. Mac never does anything that requires him to leave the room for a lengthy period of time without me watching Nixon, this includes his 4 daily shits! Yes, count them 4 shits, and he gets to do them in peace. Me? NO, my bathroom is command central as far as Nixon's concerned and since he's potty training he has to "monkey see, monkey do" somewhere, right? So while Mac gets to relax when vacating the hostages, I get to entertain a toddler who likes to get up close and personal during the cleaning phase of that process....yeah, it's, umm, interesting I suppose.
#3. Mac does not cook, so Mac does not realize that I can not always do it while Nixon is sleeping and have it done in time for Mac to take to work.
#4. Mac is not Wonder Woman....he doesn't have the breast for the costume. Frankly, neither do I, but I can fake it!
#5. I am home with Nixon all day and I have to leave the room and do other stuff or I'll lose my ever loving mind at some point, Mac has that point as well, but usually I'm around so he never reaches it.
#6. I had a point here but I lost it somewhere around Mac's 4 daily shits.... seriously, is it all men or did I just marry a really regular one?!?! By the way, this is the same man who has no problem discussing his farts but is trying to discourage our son from picking his nose. Like one is worse than the other?!?!? I have no idea if that's true (farts are worse than picking your nose or vice versa) but I will say, boogers don't make me turn green and almost puke with no warning. But a small breeze in my direction followed by a glance at my husband, with that silly guilty look on his face and him saying "What??? Did you fart??" can have that effect on me.
Okay so the moral of the story is....because I try to do everything and epically failed, Mac now is the proud (well not so proud when he wakes up and sees what happened) owner of a laptop missing the V-key and someday when we get divorced our reason for ending the marriage will be: "Wife is not Wonder Woman" or "Bitch done lied to me and my shit be ruined!" You'll see us on Divorce Court or in Judge Judy's court room.
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| The good news is, I found and replaced the Z,X & C keys, honey! |
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| The bad news is, you don't love me anymore. It's more like you "lo e" me now. And you might not even do that haha |
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