That day is today, by the way. Not our divorce, but the day Mac's shit got broken when I couldn't do it all. I'm not a goddamned spider, I only have 2 eyes and they happen to be located on the front of my head! Damned evolution has not caught up with parenting toddlers obviously!
I had to unload the dishwasher, reload it with pots and pans so I could make Mac's dinner to send to work with him. We have a storm in the area and it may or may not affect us enough to keep Mac at work longer than his scheduled shift, so better to be safe than starving! Nixon was supposed to be on the sofa watching "mater", I came out to check on him and once walked by Mac's computer.
And had a "this is the end of my marriage moment". It was missing 4 keys!! I found 3, but I can not find the V. The fucking V is gone!!! I've looked everywhere, Nixon's room, bathroom, kitchen, garbages, cat litter....can not find it. So, I guess, Mac will (a) be getting the new computer he's been eyeing and (b) get all bragging rights to mastering the parenting skills since this happened to HIS shit on MY watch.
However...in my defense, this would never happen during Mac's watch for a few reasons.
#1. Mac is never NOT in front of his computer
#2. Mac never does anything that requires him to leave the room for a lengthy period of time without me watching Nixon, this includes his 4 daily shits! Yes, count them 4 shits, and he gets to do them in peace. Me? NO, my bathroom is command central as far as Nixon's concerned and since he's potty training he has to "monkey see, monkey do" somewhere, right? So while Mac gets to relax when vacating the hostages, I get to entertain a toddler who likes to get up close and personal during the cleaning phase of that process....yeah, it's, umm, interesting I suppose.
#3. Mac does not cook, so Mac does not realize that I can not always do it while Nixon is sleeping and have it done in time for Mac to take to work.
#4. Mac is not Wonder Woman....he doesn't have the breast for the costume. Frankly, neither do I, but I can fake it!
#5. I am home with Nixon all day and I have to leave the room and do other stuff or I'll lose my ever loving mind at some point, Mac has that point as well, but usually I'm around so he never reaches it.
#6. I had a point here but I lost it somewhere around Mac's 4 daily shits.... seriously, is it all men or did I just marry a really regular one?!?! By the way, this is the same man who has no problem discussing his farts but is trying to discourage our son from picking his nose. Like one is worse than the other?!?!? I have no idea if that's true (farts are worse than picking your nose or vice versa) but I will say, boogers don't make me turn green and almost puke with no warning. But a small breeze in my direction followed by a glance at my husband, with that silly guilty look on his face and him saying "What??? Did you fart??" can have that effect on me.
Okay so the moral of the story is....because I try to do everything and epically failed, Mac now is the proud (well not so proud when he wakes up and sees what happened) owner of a laptop missing the V-key and someday when we get divorced our reason for ending the marriage will be: "Wife is not Wonder Woman" or "Bitch done lied to me and my shit be ruined!" You'll see us on Divorce Court or in Judge Judy's court room.
|The good news is, I found and replaced the Z,X & C keys, honey!|
|The bad news is, you don't love me anymore. It's more like you "lo e" me now. And you might not even do that haha|