Making sense of tragedy and learning from it

This photo is going around facebook.

It's of one teacher, who lost her life yesterday. She lied to the gunman (I'm intentionally not naming him, he deserves no acknowledgement of a personal manner) about where her students were. She saved their lives and lost her own. 
Her name is Victoria Soto and she is a hero!
And she was not alone in her act of heroism.

As I read the first story about Victoria Soto's act of heroism, I wanted to show Nixon a true hero. To him, in his 4-year old mind, heroes look like Iron Man, Captain America and Black Widow. They wear costumes, have cartoons and action figures of their likeness he can play with. 
Victoria Soto wore no costume, didn't star in a cartoon and will never have an action figure made of her. But she is a bigger hero than any imaginary character will ever be. 

I'm stealing my post from facebook...
 Just tried telling my 4-year old that this is what a hero looks like. Iron Man and Captain America may be what he thinks of when he hears "hero", but this woman IS a hero! I needed him to hear me say that to him.

Nixon may not have understood, but I did. He saw the tears in my eyes as I told him about her sacrifice. "This lady saved kids from a very, very bad man. And that bad man hurt her very badly, but those kids went home to their mommies and daddies because of her." Nixon said to me "She's a hero, like Black Widow? Like you, mommy?" (I was Black Widow for Halloween so he always tells me I'm Black Widow). My reply was simple "No, baby. Black Widow and mommy wish they were as brave as this lady was. She's a hero. Black Widow is imaginary, she's made up. But this beautiful lady is a real hero." Nixon said to me "Mommy, she's pretty like you." 
All I could do was hold him, stroke his head and say "She's beautiful, baby. She's very beautiful. Mommy will never be as pretty as this woman is."

Adults can barely make sense of this crime, how do you explain it to children? How do I tell my son I'm crying because my very soul aches for people I've never known and will never meet? Most of all, how do I reassure my son that everything is fine when it feels like there's no place safe enough for him anymore?

A moment of somberness

   It's a sad day, when less than 2 weeks before christmas families now have to plan funerals for their children instead of looking forward to their joy on christmas morning. The toys will go unopened, the stockings unfilled and the parents lives forever shattered by one (or two) evil person's actions.

   There is nothing that anyone can say to make this pain any less for those affected. No words of condolence  no amount of flowers laid, no rallying angry cries from the masses. Nothing can replace what was stolen from these families today. Today Connecticut was ground zero for another senseless act of violence and the victims were children. Real children. Little people who had only just begun to live their lives, now gone forever leaving behind a country (a civilized world) in disbelief and families who will never look forward to another December as long as they live. To them, December will always be a painful and heartbreaking month not one filled by a jolly fat man and good cheer. 

   Everyone learning the details of this horrific event is holding their children tighter, loving their families a little more and questioning how and why this happened in the first place. 

    Me? I'm numb. Numb from the realization that there really is no safe place for my child. The best thing I can do is not guide him to a life of fear, but instead help prepare him for a life of uncertainty and hope, just hope, it's enough to see him home to me everyday he's gone from my care. The world just became a little more scarier as a parent, but I refuse to let fear keep me and my family down!

   I'm not going to teach Nixon that all guns are bad. 
   I'm not going to raise him to think everyone with a gun is a bad person. His own father carries one at work, as do the police officers that I expect my son to turn to in case of trouble. I need him to trust that police officers are the good guys and they are there for him and his safety. (I realize this is not always the truth, but he needs to believe there are good people in the world)
   I am going to teach him what to do, in a worst of the worse case scenarios, if he hears gunfire. I'm going to teach him to stay as close to the ground as possible and take cover. 
   I am going to empower him with knowledge on how to stay safe in this crazy world his father and I brought him into. 
   I am going to love him like it's my last day with him. I'm going to save the harsh words and replace them with loving words. I'm going to smother him with hugs and kisses every chance I get. And I am going to tell him, every single day, that he is loved! Because I never want him to think he's not. I never want him to think he was bad and that's why something awful happened. 

    Evil people and evil deeds are a part of life. It's not necessarily a reflection on the people affect by said evil. 

   Let's stop focusing on the bad and evil things in the world and focus on the beautiful and loving things. Focus on your child's smile because you never know when it'll be stolen away. 

    Take a moment today and try to empower your kids somehow. Tell them what their good at, how much they mean to you or how amazing your life is all because of them! Stop breaking down kids. Broken kids are the kids who grow up to be broken and damaged adults. I should know, I am a broken and damaged adult. But my son, my life, helped me see that being damaged isn't a lifelong sentence. I can change and I have changed. I am not repeating my parents mistakes. Not every act of violence is the result of bad parenting, but who wants to take the chance that the one day you stopped saying "I love you" to your son or daughter, was the day they started hating the value of their own lives? Not me. 

  Be strong parents. Be brave, for your children. Be kind. Be loving. Most of all, be there for your children. Some people are just evil, I get that. But do what you can for society and raise a kind, caring, compassionate child into a strong, brave and resilient adult. Give the world the people it deserves, not the sociopaths it's got now. 

Look through these photos  and see what evil has done to this community. Cry, rage, question things but don't forget. Learn from today, and every senseless act of evil in the world. Don't blame all gun owners. Taking guns away from law abiding people won't prevent these things from happening. Demand schools do more to protect your child won't do anything to stop the crazies. Prepare your child yourself for the unknown and have faith that you've done your very best to ensure they are protected. 

   Cliche as it is: knowledge is power. 

A quick "Thank you"

   I have a slight addiction. I check my blog stats daily. Sometimes multiple times a day.
So imagine my delight when I saw that today's total blog views reached over 7000!! That's awesome for less than 200 posts, in my own humble opinion.

   So a deep, heartfelt "Thank you" to each and every person who has ever read my blog. I don't care if you love me, hate me, fear me, pity me or envy me...you took the time to read my blog and that's all that matters to me.

   Thank you! I'll keep blogging as long as you all keep reading!

Countries that I have readers in:

United States	58
Russia	17
Canada	5
Germany	5
Italy	3
Belarus	2
Sweden	2
China	1
Fiji	1
India	1

How awesome in that?!?!? I have multiple views from Russia, more than Canada. And Fiji?!?!? I have someone who found my blog that is in Fiji.....thank you! (These are just the stats for this week!) Sweden makes an appearance. But it looks like my stalkers from Japan have stopped following me. Or they got the ip blocker finally figured out! ha!

He may be an ass....but that ass is my kid!

  

this is the squeaker toy face

Three was a hard age. I think most parents agree that of the first few years, three is one of the hardest. The tantrums alone make you want to drink (or drug your child....some days it's a real struggle to decide which of those options is the winning one). Then there's the talking back, the never-ending "NO!" coming out of your child's mouth and the absolute power struggle over everything! I love Nixon to death, but I almost loved him to death! He drove me batty more than once (a day) and there were days that I seriously questioned myself as a mom. Surely, if I was doing the very best I could as a mom, he wouldn't be acting like such an ass! Yes, there I said it. My kid was a total ass sometimes! I still loved him, but gods alive he can be a real ass!
   However, I remind myself of a couple things: 
1) this is a mostly normal phase in every child's life, and 
2) I'll never have to go through it again. So all I have to do is survive this phase, once, with Nixon and it'll all be behind us. 

   But for a while it seemed it was never going to end. The tantrums in public were still a common occurrence no matter how many times I left a store with him throwing a tantrum. The talking back was mind-numbingly constant. And he'd talk back about everything! 
me: Nixon, what do you want for lunch?
Nixon: NOTHING! I am never going to eat...forever! 
me: Okay.
Nixon: I said I want peanut butter and jelly for lunch!
^^ true story!
   Yesterday, that all changed. I'm seriously concerned that an alien abducted my child and replaced him with a marvelous, well-behaved clone. (thank you, aliens!) 

   Nixon and I had a mommy and me date, of sorts. Mac is working nights, so I do my best to get Nixon out of the house and give Mac a couple peaceful hours of sleep. Santa was the perfect excuse to get Nixon out of the house yesterday. He hasn't seen Santa this year and it's the first year Nixon is super excited about Santa.

   We left early to beat any possible crowds.

   We arrived and found 3 families ahead of us, all with much younger kids. Nixon was not enjoying the squeaker toy the photographer was using to get the little ones attention. In fact, he hated it. (He's still sensitive to some sounds.)

    Finally, it was Nixon's turn with Santa! My goodness, Nixon just lit up and stared at Santa. He was in total awe of the man! He quickly sat on his lap and took a few photos. The photographer commented on how Nixon's smile was "too squinty". Not wanting to ruin the moment, I ignored the comment, but the bitch in me wanted to say "He's got Asian blood in him, he can't help but be squinty!" I totally said it in my mind!
   After Santa we grabbed a cookie. Mall cookies are the best, right?!?! Nixon sat quietly and ate his cookie. I think he was Santa-awed, but whatever it was I'll take it. I wasn't losing my mind and he wasn't acting an ass.     The best part of the day happened while we were in Target. I was picking up some more stocking stuffers and getting things for the cats (Arwen hates me, I bought a Santa hat with beard attached for cats and made her wear it!) 
   Nixon was on point with his "excuse me" when we were walking down a crowded area and his "please" and "thank you". I got 2 compliments on his manners. One was from an older woman who heard Nixon say "excuse me" as we walked by her. "Mom, you should be proud. I don't hear grown adults using excuse me like your son just did." The second was the cashier who said to Nixon "You have some wonderful manners, young man."! (Nixon said "please" and "may I have" when he asked for the trucks I'd bought for him)

    I could not have loved my son more at that point, if I tried! I was so proud of him AND it made me realize I'm doing a good job as his mom. 

    Am I a perfect mom? Hell no! I cuss too much, use too much sarcasm around him and I don't always keep my cool when he's acting an ass. But I'm doing somethings right because my little man uses manners and I'm not even having to prompt him to do it these days. 

    Am I a perfect mom? NO. But don't tell Nixon that. He think I'm the best mom ever. And I get hugs, kisses and "I love you, mom" all day long! Even if I'm not the most perfect mom, I'm the best mom he has and he's not screwed up yet. 

   So, yes, my kid can be an ass. But you know what? I think it's normal to be slightly ass-tastic when you're being raised by a less than perfect mom. But together, we make a pretty awesome team!

"too squinty"?? Too cute, if you ask me!

Arwen, in her Santa hat and beard.

Yep, we're a family of geeks.

   Some holiday ideas are great. Cookies for Santa? Awesome. Some kind of suckass. Elf on the shelf? This has mommy wars written all over it.
    Never heard of Elf on the Shelf? Count yourself so lucky! Please take a gander one of my blogger-heroes, the Bloggess, and her take on this incredibly insane but somehow trendy traditions.

    Since Nixon is hitting the age where he's learning to enjoy holidays and the fun things that come along with it, I thought it'd be fun to get in on the tattle-telling elf action. But I wanted to do it in a geeky-family friendly way. Why do an elf, which anyone can do, when you can do something awesome that your kid will get really excited about?? Well, if you're me (who, lets be honest, is really awesome) you take your kid to Target and hit up the holiday section. We found the perfect little guy to report to Santa!

    

    Meet our R2D2 on a shelf! 

    So far he's working fine. Nixon's been in Time Out 4 times today, and R2 and I had a quick discussion about Nixon's behavior.  

So it's December....how the flying crap did that happen?!?!

    The topic of the moment, at least in our house, is Santa. When do we take Nixon to see him? What is Santa bringing Nixon? Who's paying for the pictures with Santa? All the really important burning Santa-related questions. But no conversation would be complete without Mac over-thinking things and making things a bigger issue than they have to be.

   I'll explain.

  Nixon will make his list for Santa, and while there's no limit to what he can ask Santa for, Santa will only bring one gift for Nixon. The gift has already been picked out (will most likely be purchased next week) and might not even be on Nixon's list, but "Santa" knows Nixon will love it!
  Now the over-thinking. We've agreed Santa will only give one or two gifts to Nixon. Mac is worried that Nixon will get hurt and made fun of when he goes to school and learns from other kids that their Santa brought them a whole bunch of gifts! Nixon's not even in school yet, and yes while I'd like to protect him from being made fun of and bullies, we can't run our family to avoid that. The best we can do is make sure Nixon is comfortable at home and confident in himself. Mac and I were both bullied as kids, and it really sucked... a lot, but there is absolutely nothing we can do to prevent it from happening to Nixon that will make him a strong person. Nixon is pretty damned comfortable being who he is, at 4-years old, and if we're really lucky as parents he'll keep that confidence throughout life. And if not, he'll have to learn how to be an individual and not follow the crowd the hard way. Life's not easy.

    Nixon will see Santa at the local Mall. It's not going to be as cheap as the last 3 years, because it's not going to be by donation only. But the mall Santa looks like someone's grandpa and we can go on one of Mac's days off during the week and avoid the wicked weekend lines. Nixon's even excited about seeing Santa this year!

   And one more, super local exciting thing is the Jolly Express Cruise. A 45-minute cruise on a small vessel, adorned with antlers, red nose and playing carols! With Santa at the helm! I know Mac might not truly be into this, but Nixon will go ape-shit over it and I'll be honest, I'm a little ape-shit about it too! Mac missed out on hayrides and the pumpkin patch with us, so I think this will be extra special for the 3 of us.

   Really....how on earth did December just sneak up on us??

Birth is just the beginning....

  For women, when giving birth in most cases, we lose all sense of modesty. I know when Nixon was in the process of making his debut, I found myself on all fours ass in the air with a room full of interns, nurses and a doctor who was elbow deep in my cervix for all to see for the safety of my child. And I could have given a flying frick! My sole concern was that Nixon was safe.

  That was just the beginning to life as a mom with privacy issues. I can't shower with Nixon awake and not have him come check in on me, asking if I'm "getting all pruney and making all the germs go away". I can't take longer than 5 seconds in the bathroom with a knock on the door and hearing him call out "Mommy, are you in there?". I've gotten used to it, because lets face it, if he's checking on me, he's not getting into trouble somewhere else in the house.

   But it's not just Nixon. The cats get in on the action too!

   And, as of yesterday, BeBe (Nixon's beloved teddy bear) as well. BeBe, apparently, can only "poo-poo" when I do. So Nixon will bring him into the bathroom and put him on the sink countertop  next to me.
   Today it played out like this:
*knock, knock*
Nixon: Mommy, are you in there?
me: Yes, Nixon, I'm in here, I just told you I was going to the bathroom.
Nixon: Oh. BeBe has to go poo-poo and he needs to be near you.
me: Nixon, you can't be serious. BeBe does not need to be near me to poo-poo.
Nixon: *opens the door* Uh-huh, mommy! He really does! (puts BeBe on the counter next to me) See? Now, leave him alone while he poo-poos.
me: *to BeBe* You know I'm going to blog about this ridiculous invasion of my privacy, right?
The worse part?!?! Before Nixon would take BeBe out of the bathroom, he had to see me wipe BeBe's butt! I had to wipe a stuffed bear's ass!!

Meanwhile, Mac can grab his Kindle or a magazine and go to the bathroom without being disturbed. He seems to think I can just tell Nixon to leave me alone while I'm in there and it'll magically happen. Moms, anyone wanna help me enlighten him on why this will NEVER happen??

Happy December :)