...the day your child says he doesn't want to make friends because his heart hurts, is the day you dig deep and fight like hell to show him how much he has to offer friends he hasn't met yet.

    It's been a long time since a conversation with Nixon has had me in tears, but tonight that's exactly what happened.

    Nixon has been struggling. He's been having random mood swings since his cousin left after a visit last month. Anytime Mac or I would ask what's wrong, Nixon would say "I miss J" and start to cry, even if his outburst had nothing to do with J it was always his go-to response.

   Tonight I finally stopped and listened to him. I heard what he was saying and let him say it. And it was heartbreaking.
   In the past two days, Nixon's also mentioned his other cousin who moved to California earlier this year. He had spent a large amount of time with her as we had been living with her while her mom was out-of-town for military training over a span of two and a-half months.

   After an epic meltdown over cleaning up his toys downstairs, Nixon and I went up to his room and we talked. Well, he cried and I held him. Then we talked. He told me he never wanted to make friends. I asked him why and he said "J left and he broke my heart. I miss him.", and my heart broke hearing his 4-year old logic. How do you argue with that?
    I didn't argue. It's true. Friends leaving hurts. I know that firsthand.
   I told him the truth: Missing someone is part of a greater thing. It means you've got love in your heart for the person you miss and that is amazing! I want you to make as many friends as you want, lots of friends or just a few very special friends like mommy has, but you have to have friends in your life. I want people to see the kind, loving, silly, amazing and wonderful boy I see every day and I want them to want to be in your life. But you have to let them in your heart. It's a risk, but it's worth the risk. Sometimes, your heart will hurt, it's part of life but the best part of life is the strength you get by bouncing back from pains in your heart. Right now, you have good memories of your time with J, hold onto those every time you miss him and you'll feel the love and smile in your heart and the pain of missing him won't be so bad. Making friends here, when you start school, will be better because they'll live here and not far away like J so they won't have to leave and you'll see them at school.
   I closed it with: Please, please take the chance and make friends. You're so little and have so much life in front of you to say you won't make friends. Don't let fear stop you from being the brave and wonderful little boy I know you are.

   We sat on the floor of his bedroom, he on my lap head lying on my chest, looking at the photo of him and J together. Nixon crying and myself on the verge of tears. Nixon got up and said he needed a tissue, he grabbed the toilet paper roll from the bathroom and brought it to me in his bedroom. I helped him blow his nose and he got into bed.

   I came downstairs and told Mac about the conversation. He says "Is he 4 going on 16? He's growing up way too fast!"
   Tell me about it, babe, tell me about it.

   Tonight was by far the worst night about being so far from family.

I'm so lucky Nixon is mine....he's so sweet, loving, silly and mine! This is a short blog of mommy drivel, feel free to ignore it if you want.

    I'm about to be an aunt for the 4th time (by my sister anyhow, many more if you count the in-laws and the better-than-blood nieces and nephews) tomorrow morning. My sister is having a little boy some time tomorrow. She was due last week, but like all her other babies, this one too needs to be evicted.
     She's being by medical terminology induced. I prefer she's giving eviction notice to her uterus' latest tenant, aka Uterus Eviction Day! It just sounds like more fun than induction or induced.

    I was telling Nixon he was getting a new cousin tomorrow and he got excited. He asked me if this "was the baby in Aunt Snotface's tummy?", which I said yes. Then I told him we were going to see him next month. This little sweetheart of a boy, that I evicted from my uterus, said to me "I can't wait! I want to put him down for a nap, before the moon is in the sky, because that's when all babies are safe." His newest cousin is not even here and Nixon wants to keep him safe. I might be raising the lovingest boy ever!
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On an unrelated note:
Last week Nixon and I watched a bunny in our backyard for over 15 minutes. I took photos of it, and Nixon sat quietly in a chair watching it:

 

"Please stop saying BOMB in public"....why the hell do I have to repeatedly tell this to my 4-year old?!?!

   For some reason Nixon has suddenly become obsessed with "throwing bombs" and running. Not real bombs, mind you. But he wants to tell me "Mom, I just threw a bomb at you, you blew up." I know pretend play is just that, pretend, but there are so many uptight assholes in the world today that might overhear that and actually think my child has a bomb and do something drastic.

   It's for that reason alone, I've started to tell Nixon, when he says anything about bombs, grenades or guns, in public "Nixon, it's okay to play pretend at home, but when we're out of the house you can't talk about those things. Some people won't know it's just pretend and they'll get very nervous and upset."

   I'm trying to curb this new verbal habit of his before he starts preschool in the fall (fingers crossed that he gets a spot). I want him to thrive at school and I'm not totally sure what the school's policy is regarding things like gun-play, to be honest, I'd prefer it to be a non-issue. As in something I never have to worry about because Nixon does not have issues with it outside of the home. Mac has stopped playing video games while Nixon is awake, we're more vigilant about the shows watches because of his behaviors. He wasn't becoming violent, more he was acting desensitized to real-life violence finding it funny....that was a big red flag for me and I was straight up "HELL NO" when that happened.
  I was watching the news, and there was a segment about a violent break-in caught on a nanny cam. The robber brutally beat the home owner and it was caught by the newly installed nanny cam. Nixon happened to come into the living room (he was in the kitchen, eating dinner) and saw the video, he started laughing. I was crying because I was so upset that I couldn't get him to understand it was a real crime, a real person being hurt and not a made-up funny TV thing. He kept telling me "And he kicked her in the face HAHA"
    He eventually noticed I was sitting on the sofa, quietly crying. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that the lady on TV was badly hurt by a bad man. The police were trying to find the man that hurt her, which is why the video was being shown on TV. I told him, honestly, it hurt my heart that he was laughing and I was scared that he thought hurting people was funny. I then told him that lady was a mommy, like me, and her baby was in the room watching her get hurt.
    He said "Mommy, that's sad. Did the man hurt the baby too?" Thankfully, I could tell him the truth, no the baby was not hurt.
    Nixon said "Mommy, don't cry. The naughties (police in Nixonese) will find him and he'll go away." I hope it sunk in, I don't want him thinking hurting people is funny.

   Ugg....who knew this was the age I'd have to worry about this shit with him?!?!

Some things are better left unsaid....other things should just never be thought of. Then there's conversations like this that make you wonder how I manage to raise a kid as wonderful and awesome as Nixon in the first place!

   All my moms out there, you can relate to this, I'm sure. It's easier to just pee with the door open then try to close the door and go. It really does save time, because you can actually go undisturbed most of the time. But as soon as that door closes it's like a giant neon sign lights up with an alarm that only small children and pets can hear that says "Quick, she's in the bathroom, you must go and bother her RIGHT NOW!" over and over and over again, until you open the door at which point the sign and said alarm magically disappear.
    I'm sure my lack of needing privacy to pee also comes from spending months sharing a bathroom with over 20 girls in Army, and having friends like F who would be naked all the time if she could be. It's peeing, we all do it.

    Which brings me to this morning's fresh-out-of-bed conversation with Nixon.
Nixon: *looking at me from the waist down, very intently* Where's your peenie, Mommy?
me: *chuckling* Honey, I don't have a peenie because I'm a girl. I have a vagina. Only boys have peenies
Nixon: I have a peenie. Daddy has a peenie too.
me: Yep, because you both are boys. I'm a girl, so no peenie for me. Trust me, I'm a little disappointed by that too.
Nixon: Where did your peenie go?
me: I never had one.
Nixon: Never?!?
me: Nope, I've always had a vagina. I've always had to pee sitting down.
Nixon: I did too. But then I learneded to pee standing up like big boys. Like Daddy does. Because I'm growing up and I'm a boy!
me: Yep, you sure are.
Nixon: Can you buy a peenie?
me: Well, kind of...but I still don't think I could pee from it.
Nixon: I like peeing standing up. Being a boy is awesome!
me: Just rub that in. And don't thank me, thank Daddy. I only have girls in me.
Nixon: Huh?


   We ended the talk there, because I hadn't had my coffee yet and I tend to get cranky and say massively inappropriate things without coffee. Like almost explaining to a 4-year old strap-ons.
    In other, unrelated news: I'm thinking of giving Nixon a My Little Pony temporary tattoo sleeve. I think it'd be awesome, and he's totally digging the idea!

7 year itch?? Nah, not in this house!

    Ever have those future "what-if" conversations with your husband/wife or significant other? Occasionally, mac and I have them and they are really random. The most recent one was last week as we were celebrating the 7 year anniversary of our first date.

   Someone had asked if I was getting "itchy" now that it was 7 years. (You know that old adage of the 7 year itch?) Mac and I were talking about it and how we felt like we really were too perfectly matched to find anyone else who would put up with us, like each other does.
   I said "Well, if this ever falls apart I'm not dating. Do you know how impossible it'd be to find a guy who is childless NOW at my age?!" I was totally serious too. While I adore Nixon, I'm not looking for, nor do I ever picture myself with a blended family. I'm too selfish to share myself, my partner and my son with someone else's family which is what a blended family is all about. I admire women who step-up and do the step-mom/step-family thing. It's never easy from what I've witnessed.
 
   As for me? Itch or not. I'm willing to fight and work for what I've got right now. Mac and I haven't hit bumps we can't smooth out over time and I'm not tired of his face yet. I'll keep him. Besides, look at the adorable child we made together. Who wouldn't want to stay with the man who helped create that/him with me?!?

   Our family is odd an unconventional for sure. We have bad days and good days. But when I have my bad days and it feels like my world is crumbling around me, Mac is my rock. He's the person I turn too when I need support or a laugh. I can't imagine ever wanting to let go of the security I feel when he holds me.

   So, 7 year itch be damned! We're 7 years since our first date and still going strong!

Total fracking randomness from today!

   I'm going to put this here, because while it's not parenting related it's mom-life related. Since the first of the year I've steadily lost over 15 pounds. Even better, I've managed to maintain the steady weight loss without exercise, not that I'm bragging of my lack of fitness but rather I'm proud of the weight loss that I'm keeping up with.
   I'm now lighter than I was when I got married, I weigh almost as much as I did when I met Mac for the first time but I'm way less toned. Part of the plus side to this is I'm feeling more confident in my own skin. I'm wearing carpi's, skirts (that are knee length, not maxi skirts) and jeans that are loose and I'm down 2 sizes!
   None of that is as impressive as what I did today. Today I wore shorts, in public for the first time in over a decade! And my thighs don't rub when I walk anymore! If you don't get why I'm bragging about this, sorry I'm boring you.


   Nixon still is demanding help wiping his ass. I know he can do it, he just knows its easier if mom or dad does it for him. Tonight, after the especially hellicious morning we had together, he knocks on the wall and demands one of us helps wipe his butt. Mac tells him to wipe it himself. Nixon stays in the bathroom for a couple more minutes, then comes out sans undies and says "MOMMY I said I need HELP!"
   I get up and follow him back into the bathroom. I look at him, as he's got his butt in the air at me saying "I touch my toes mommy." and all I can think of is I'm so over this phase.
me: Nixon, I'll wipe your butt but you have to wipe mine next time I go potty. It's only fair.
Nixon: what?! No! You wipe my butt.
me: Yeah, no. If I'm going to wipe your butt, you need to wipe mine. That's fair, right?
Nixon: NO! I don't wipe you! You grown up, you wipe yoursself.
me: Well, if you're not going to do that, then you need to wipe your own butt.
Nixon: I need help.
me: Well, okay then. *I fold the wipe for him and show him how to wipe*
Nixon: Oh, I know how to do this!
me: So you'll wipe your butt and no one will wipe mine?
Nixon: Yep.

I leave the bathroom and fall onto the floor in the living room, where Mac sits on the sofa, and collapse into laughter. Mac "Well played", and all I can say is "I really never think before I speak to him." I might also need to start saving for therapy.

Ugg...why doesn't anyone tell you how horrible 4 is?!?

   Well, my Saturday is off to a fine start. How is everyone else's? I hope for your sakes, not anything like mine is going. Unless you are a mortal enemy of mine and then I hope you are having the same day times 5. Which would only be possible if you have 5 kids or quintuplets.

   Nixon is currently in his room, and is there until he decides to leave his room clothed. He's in his jammies, but is refusing to change for the day. Fine, I'm tired of this constant battle of the wills. Not going to change your clothes, stay in your room. Done!

   While I'm dealing with this at home before I've had my coffee even Mac is off waiting for a comic book signing at Third Eye Comics, where he's been since 7am. It's an ongoing theme lately. I deal with Nixon's tantrums and Mac is....well, anywhere but home. True, a lot of the time he's working or doing something work related, but this week it's also been him doing things he likes doing...alone. Which translates to he gets free time and I get? Another wonderful tantrum, strong-willed filled day of Nixon fun. *sigh*

   After 20 minutes in his room, Nixon came down and got dressed then asked to go see Daddy. Before we left (I made a cup of coffee) I warned Nixon that if he acted up and didn't listen to Mac or myself, I would bring him back home.

   We left the house and got to Third Eye Comics without issue. Nixon was a gem, sitting in his chair while I actually got to have a conversation with another adult about something I enjoyed! He started watching his PSP, but was soon enamored with a friend's pet rat. The rat was replaced by solitaire on our friend's phone, which Nixon was quite good at surprisingly enough.

    Everything was good, until Nixon decided to run around and stop listening. Enter me. I picked him up, carried him (screeching at the top of his lungs) to the car, and we left. He was warned and now I was following through. He was upset, wanted to go back to Daddy, but that wasn't happening.

   And Mac? He's still at the comic book store, waiting in line for the signing. To be fair, he did offer to come home, before Nixon and I got there, to help get Nixon ready. I declined because forcing Nixon to get ready wasn't going to fix anything. Nixon needed to make the choice himself.

   It's frustrating that my days are filled with tantrums and plans getting shelved because Nixon won't behave, but Mac's life and plans go on. It's a cycle we go through every 6-9 months. We'll be on really good and equal ground for a while than BAM! I'm losing all my sanity and he's getting a lot of breaks. It balances out in the end, it's just been a little harder since I suck at making friends. Wait, does a bottle of wine count as a friend? Cause if it does then I've had a couple new friends in the past two months, but it ended abruptly when I realized they were empty and I was tipsy.