Trying to teach him to be graceful when faced with disappointment

  Nixon got a Rescue Bots Beam Box for Christmas. It was his big gift from Mac and I. He loves it, really loves it, but he's not always great at dealing with not being good at one particular stage. Even though he has the option to not play this stage, he insists on playing it and getting frustrated every time he doesn't pass it.

   Today, as he playing it with his newest character he was getting more and more angry while on this one stage. I finally had enough of his outbursts Mac is sleeping because he worked last night and went to a comic signing this morning, and his constant turning on/off the game to get out of this stage. It was time to teach him the truth about life: No one is good at everything all the time.

me: Nixon, calm down. It's okay to not be good at one part of the game.
Nixon: But this one is so hard! I'm just not good at it.
me: Nixon it's okay. The important thing is you need to learn how to deal with disappointments like not being good at a part of the video game.
Nixon: It's not right. I'm just a screw-up.
*I hate that he says this when he's bad at something*
me: Nixon, you're not a screw-up. You just aren't great at this stage. You can either try harder to get better or stop playing it. What you need to do is accept disappointment with grace.
Nixon: I don't want to play anymore.
me: That's fine, you don't have to play. But you can't keep turning the game on and off just because you're not good at a part of it.
Nixon: Why not?
me: Because you aren't learning anything by doing that. You're just giving up to avoid the disappointment of not being the best at this stage.
You are so good at other parts of the game! It's okay to be less than perfect at one part. No one is good at everything all the time. I just don't want to see you giving up. Learn to deal with the disappointments in life.

He's not getting the concept of failures and disappointments easily, but I'm working on reminding him he doesn't (and won't) always be perfect. It's a tough lesson to learn, but I'm not raising him to believe he'll always win or be the best or that he has to be perfect at everything he does. All I ask is he does his best and completes the task he's working on.

Random conversation I wish I didn't have to have with my 5-year-old

Nixon: Look mom!
me: Umm.....what, the...?!?!
*he has an unsharpened pencil in his underwear*
Nixon: I put this in my undies! *laughs hysterically*
me: No! Just no! You do not put toys, markers, pencils or anything else in your undies!
Nixon: Why not?!
me: Because your undies are for your butt and peenie only.
Nixon: Oh man.

I should be grateful he's wearing undies, since earlier he declared undies to be "dumb and stupid" and spent 30 minutes in the bathroom, because he's allowed to not wear undies in there.

Updated: Nixon has also been walking around with only one sock on. Evidently, there was something wrong with the other one "There was something in my sock". When I offered "Your foot?", he refused to see the humor I was offering him and instead replied "Well, yeah but something else too. But I took my sock off and everything's all better now. Everythingisawesome!"
*yes he did sing that last part. Thank you Lego Movie commercials*

He's big, smart and has a mouth like his momma.....in that he never stops talking!

   Today was Nixon's 5-year well child doctor's appointment. Yes, he did turn 5 almost 3 months ago, but his 4-year was after his birthday and apparently this one had to be more than a year after his last visit.

    His visit started rough. He didn't want to go get his height and weight checked. Then he didn't want to go into the exam room. Eventually,it all worked out, because I had a bag of tricks ready for him. Plus the exam room had a book he was obsessed with!

   The doctor came in, did his exam and asked a few questions. Then came the most awesome conversation Nixon has ever has with another person....ever! I was almost in tears from laughing so hard!

Doc: *doing the testicular exam* Has this mole changed in size at all?
me: Nope, it's the same size as it's always been.
Nixon: That's because I don't get pee on it from my peenie! That hole is where my water comes out. Then I pee!
Doc: That's good.
Nixon: And I have another hole for poop!
Doc: You do?!? Where is it?
Nixon: The hole is in my BUTT! My poop comes out my butt and pee comes from my peenie!
*I am dying, by this point*
Doc: Does it ever hurt when you poop?
Nixon: Nope! I make big "S"s in the toilet with my poop! I poop a lot!
Doc: So, constipation....not an issue with him is it?!
me: Nope, he's got healthy insides.


Yep, that's my son! Making my laugh so hard I almost cry while listening to him tell his doctor about poop and pee!

This is a bold, raw, nakedly honest post....sorry.

    I've been struggling...postponing?....avoiding?....delaying the inevitable disappointment?....uh, maybe I should just start again.

    I've been a stay-at-home-mom since less than a week before Nixon's birth. That was the last time I was gainfully employed. In the five years since his birth, I've filled out/turned in/interviewed for and gotten offered exactly one job. Unfortunately, due to Mac's work schedule being rumored to be completely overhauled I had to turn down the job, only to find out less than a week later, the "sure thing" schedule change wasn't going to happen after all and I'd turned down the job for no reason but it was too late to try to get it back because training for the position had already started.
   I had stressed, panicked and gotten anxious over the entire process, even going so far to psyche myself out during the waiting period before I even got the call that I was offered the job. It was so upsetting when I had to call and turn down the job offer. And even more upsetting when it was all for naught.

    So here I am, application waiting to be filled out, for a different job, and I've been stalling for weeks now! Not because I don't think I'll get the job or even because I don't want the job I'm applying for, in fact it's a great change of pace from my previous jobs while still utilizing all the skills I've acquired over the years. It's outside of my comfort zone, but in a place that I know I can truly be happy and feel like I'm doing something worthwhile every day....if I get the job.
   So why is it I only now, just quite literally moments ago, finished the application?

   Because I'm in a funk. I don't feel worthy of even trying to compete for a job that I realize I'm quite qualified for. I'm barely qualified to care for Nixon most days, it feels like to me, and yet here I am trying to (or at least considering) getting a job outside of the house?! Am I nuts?? Who is seriously going to look at my application and want to hire me? There's no spot on the application to write: "I hope you take into consideration that it took me nearly a month to complete and turn in the application because I'm so sure I won't ever get called for an interview I certain this is a waste of paper and trees were killed in vein for no reason." Yeah, somehow I doubt even if there was room for that, I still wouldn't get an interview.

   I need to get a job, even just a part-time one. Mac retires in 5 months. We talked, mostly seriously, just this evening about purchasing a house instead of renting within the next 6 months, when our current lease is up. This is some serious grown-up shit y'all! I'm looking at houses because of the school district they're in, not because they're necessarily the best fit. I'm considering SCHOOL DISTRICTS!! I know the top 3 elementary schools in the area we live in right now and I'm searching to find a place that will get Nixon in one of those 3 schools. I'm considering potential job locales Mac may end up at, and trying to look for houses close to major highways while still keeping in mind school districts.
    I can do all that and not freak, but me? Apply for a job? Yeah, then I freak. And delay. And worry that my 5 year employment gap will be a hindrance or how should I explain other past employment questions. I prepare for interview questions before I even drop-off an application. Overkill much?

     I thought, if I messaged people to ask to use them as references, I'd be motivated to finish the application and turn it in.
    Nope.
    I guess I'm hoping if I write this, and put this out where I know it will be seen by friends, family members and even total strangers, then maybe that will force me to turn it in. It's completed. I'm adding the phone numbers I have for my references as soon as this is posted.
    I probably can't drop it off tomorrow because there's a snow storm coming and we're predicted to get 4-6 inches of snow, which means it'll be a good idea to stay home. Wednesday maybe possible, although I may have to take Nixon with me...is that awful? To bring my child with me just to drop-off an application? Shit, see now I think I should wait until Friday because Mac will be home and he can watch Nixon while I drop it off and maybe try to talk to a supervisor when I do. But then....I could email it in, I have the ability to scan it, but I always preferred to hand an application in, in person, but that was over 5 years ago so maybe emailing it in is actually better than doing it in person? I'd get it turned it quicker.....I suppose I could email it tomorrow and then call Friday to check if it's been received... aaaaaaaaaaaaand welcome to the entire thought process that I go through as I over think and freak out over a simple job application!

    I don't remember ever freaking out like this, preNixon job search days. But now it seems there's so much more riding on it that I need to find something that works for him, for me and around Mac's schedule for now.
   At least I've got insurance already. I don't need to worry about that mess.

Frolicking in the snow

   Nixon had a snow day today. Yesterday saw over 4 inches of snow fall in our area, and due to falling temps overnight the roads got icy fast which led to schools being cancelled for the safety of the children. I had a feeling they'd be cancelled and kind of prepared Nixon for that last night. I woke up at 6am, checked the school's county facebook page to see what the decision was, and went back to bed when I saw school was cancelled today.
   Nixon came into our bed sometime around 730am and went to sleep with us for a bit. In the end, we stayed in bed until very late in the morning, and it was glorious!

   After breakfast and coffee, the three of us bundled up and headed outside to shovel the sidewalk/parking spots and clean off the cars. Nixon just played in the snow most of the time.
   He did have one winter kid experience that every kid I know has had: he ate an icicle he pulled off my car! Mac thought it was gross (which it is) but I just laughed and told Nixon that I did the same thing as a kid. It happens, but not to do it again.

   When the cars were cleaned off, the sidewalk shoveled and the parking spots cleared I showed Nixon how to make snow angels in the backyard! Yep, I got down in the snow and made one with him. And it was awesome! We rolled around in the snow together, chased each other and threw snow at each other just completely enjoying the snow and our time out in it!
    Having him and watching him playing in the snow brought back memories of my own childhood winters in the snow. I'm glad he's making some snow-memories of his own and I hope he'll remember me being there with him.

It's almost the end of December...that means everyone fight about which holiday "owns" the month, right?!?

   It's that time of year again. The time of year it's hard to be a decent person without offending someone by simply imparting a genuine well-meaning wish of merriment to them.
    That's right boys and girls, it's the end of December, otherwise known as "Wish-me-Merry-Christmas-or-else-you-just-told-me-to-go-fuck-a-two-headed-goat" season.

   It's complicated for me. I'm not Christian, Mac's not Christian and Nixon doesn't even know what a church is. I'm trying to impart some basic pagan ideals on Nixon, but not so much that it's influencing who he is. I'm also trying to include other religions when we talk about the holidays of the season.

    It started with our tree. I can't ever have a "real" tree in my house. Why? Because it's a tarted up corpse of a tree. The minute it's cut, it's already dying. I can't, in good conscience, pay for a tree corpse to put up in my living room and water to keep the illusion of a live tree going.
   Nixon went with me to get all our winter decorations from our storage unit, including our black christmas tree! I bought it last year and I love it! It's fake as can be, it's pre-lit and I wouldn't have it any other way.  I mean I know my tree is fake, I'm not pretending it's not, so why not embrace it and go really fake?!?!
   Nixon asked why our tree is in a box.
   me: Nixon, when you cut down a tree is it alive or dead?
   Nixon: It's dead!
   me: Would you want a dead tree in the living room, with ornaments and lights on it?
   Nixon: No, trees should be in the ground.
   me: That's why our tree is in a box. Because it's fake and I don't feel bad about decorating it. If we had a real tree in the house, it wouldn't be alive and it'd be thrown out after the New Year. Once a tree is cut, it can't be replanted. It's very sad to me.
   Nixon: I like our box tree!


   I've also started telling him a little bit about the Pagan beliefs of Yule. Yule is the celebration of the return of the sun after the longest night of the year (Winter Solstice). The tree is symbolic of life, and lights help brighten the dark winter nights. There's more, but I'm keeping it simple since this is the first year I've really started explaining it to Nixon.
   I told him most importantly, this time of year is to be grateful for our friends and family. We should appreciate what we have in our lives and be generous and kind to others less fortunate than ourselves. He took that last part to heart when he and Mac went shopping for my christmas gift. We have talked about Toys for Tots more than once with Nixon, so he understands the toys are for kids who might otherwise not have gifts under their trees. As he and Mac were checking out, the cashier asked if they'd like to donate to Toys for Tots. Nixon quickly said "YES!" and even chose the toy that would be donated and put it in the box! When they came to meet me, Nixon was bursting with the news of helping a little boy/girl get a gift for christmas! My heart swelled with pride that he was so happy with his donation!
   I worry sometimes, that he doesn't appreciate what he has. He always wants another toy, even if he just got something 10 minutes ago. It seems like he's always taking and not giving, but his generosity at the store and for Toys for Tots proved to me that he does understand on some level at least that it's not always about him, and he does think of others.

  We do most of our talks in the car these days. It's when I have his undivided attention, unless it's snowing outside, and it's when we talk about almost everything in a serious manner.
   He asked why some houses were lit-up and some weren't. I told him not everyone put lights outside and then I added, not everyone celebrates the same way. Some people celebrate other holidays and that's okay.

   It's hard keeping it on a 5-year-old level without missing the meaning entirely. Nixon's been really great this year and has been asking a lot of questions. He also helped me decorate the tree! And picked where we'd hang our stockings this year.

.....And he sat with Santa, of course!

Coming to a classroom near you?? No, but I am going to be a room parent in Nixon's class tomorrow.....

   Good thing I just refilled my Prozac, because I have a feeling that spending the morning with almost 30 four and five-year-old kids will be amping my anxiety to the nth degree.
   Tomorrow is Halloween but it's Thursday which isn't a normal school day for Nixon, his class is doing a Halloween parade and he is allowed to go, we were given 2 choices: a) he could go Thursday and have it take the place of Friday (his usual school day) or b) I could stay and be a room parent for the day.
   I chose the later option. I get to stay and enjoy Nixon's first school Halloween event?!? Hell yeah I'll be there!

   But there's another reason I want to be there. Nixon's still saying he's having issues with a boy in his class but his teachers aren't witnessing anything. Monday Nixon had a small bruise on his face but neither of his teachers mentioned what happened and Nixon was in the middle of a meltdown when we picked him up.

   So what should I expect as a room parent? I have no idea! His class is always loud, full of energized kids and tomorrow they'll be in costumes enjoying the Halloween festivities! I think the hardest part I'll be facing is letting the teachers handle Nixon and not deal with him myself. I'm on their turf and need to let them do their job.

   Most of all, I'm grateful I have the ability to go to school with Nixon for a day. It hasn't been easy, my being home for the last almost-5 years, but there are perks. This is one of those perks. Soon enough I'll be going back to work but for now, I'm enjoying these moments as they happen.

   In other news, today was Nixon's first school picture day. I took a couple practice photos of him at home, so he knew what would be expected of him at school as we've never really done posed photos before with him.

before school cutie pic. he picked out the tie himself!