Friday, July 22, 2011

Breakfast smiles with a side of bacon induced vomit.....and you sir, are a dick!

I'm pretty sure every morning I've gotten woken up by Mac this week, he's brought me bad news. Why can't he just ONCE come in, kiss me softly on the cheek, whisper something loving into my ear, place a fresh cup of coffee on the night stand next to the bed and say "Honey, it's morning and the day just isn't the same without you sharing it with me."....just once?!?!? Why??? Because, I didn't marry THAT pussy!! 
I married this guy:
Mac: "Babe, the power just went out"
me: "huh?"
Mac: "We've got no power"
me: "so?"
Mac: "It's hot and Nixon's going nuts because there's nothing for him to do."
me: "Fuck" (as I tried to stay asleep)
(5-10 minutes later....I'm honestly not sure how long it was because I don't wear a watch 98% of the time, my cell phone is never near me and we had no power...I hear Nixon screaming in the living room)
Nixon: "NOOOOOO! No mommy! No Mommy!"
Mac: C'mon, let's go get mommy out of bed"
me (in the bed still): "no mommy out of bed!"
Nixon: "No mommy!"

They come into the bedroom and I eventually get out of bed. We all get dressed and leave the house. There have been a lot of power outages around base this week, so it is what it is. Mac grabs a bag of ice for the milk and other dairy stuff, puts those things in the cooler with the ice and then we head off for our regular Mac's Saturday Off Breakfast Out. 
Apparently, a lot of other people had the same idea, because our regular breakfast place of choice was crowded! We got seated, tried to get Nixon situated (and failed miserably), ordered our drinks, drinks arrived and we ordered our breakfasts. Nixon was not feeling the sitting and waiting patiently & quietly part of the meal, so I had to take him into hall and do a public Time Out with him. It lasted much longer than the usual 2 minutes and was loud enough that Mac heard Nixon yowling in the restaurant....but I did not cave or give in, Nixon did his full TO for acting out in public. 

Now, Nixon has fallen in LOVE with bacon recently. So when we do our breakfast out we order him his own bacon strips. Usually we get his crispy since he like his the same way I like mine, probably because he steals mine all the time. Today, because he was acting out and they were busy, we rushed through placing our order and didn't ask for crispy bacon. I will so be regretting that in about 20 minutes!

Nixon comes back in from TO, our meals arrive a few minutes later and Nixon immediately starts shoveling a bacon strip into his mouth! It's very soft and he just keeps pushing more into his mouth. At first, we just go about eating and watching him from the corner of our eye. Then....it happens. Nixon starts to get teary eyed. He starts making that choking almost vomit face. Mac grabs a napkin and Nixon starts coughing. He keeps coughing and before anyone can really do anything, you just know this is going to be BAD!!! He coughs up a few pieces of pancake and then WHOOSH......apple juice, chocolate milk and bacon its all come flowing like a dam broke! It's on Nixon's shorts, his chair and a little on his shirt. For the most part, Mac was right there with a napkin to limit the damage. I bust out the wipes and Mac and I break into full on damage control: calm Nixon, clean Nixon, clean the chair,  and assure the server that Nixon is okay. Nixon even insisted on "I clean up" himself. The server brought Nixon some water and took the bacon back to be cooked a little more (at my request). Mac went out the car and grabbed the swim trunks that I happened to have left (read lazily kept forgetting to take into the house...but we'll go with my mommy intuition knew I was going to need them and WANTED to keep them in the car!) out there so Nixon could at least have clean shorts on. While Mac took Nixon to change, I finished cleaning the chair and the server removed all the vomit covered wipes and napkins. 

No harm no foul, right?

Well, not according to the guy sitting behind us. He, apparently, found it disgusting that I could clean vomit and go back to eating my meal without missing a beat. He voiced to HIS server, that he lost his appetite just hearing the sound of a child vomiting! Well fucktard, I'm sorry that YOU have a weaker stomach than I do, but I pushed that vomiting child out of my vagina so I'm much stronger than you are...neener, neener, neener! I fucking win! Secondly, because you were sitting behind ME, I was blocking you're view, so while you HEARD it I got to see it...and it was pretty goddamned spectacular as bacon induced vomits go! But, I'll be honest, if I stopped eating everytime my son did something that SOUNDED gross, I'd never eat. Nevermind when he actually does something gross. It's not like, Captain Sens-A-Ears, my kid was sick, he simply started eating too much bacon (because he LOVES bacon...and really who doesn't love bacon?!?!?) and when he tried swallowing it thinking he'd chewed it enough, he hadn't and his body used the only way it knows how, to let him know it wasn't ready to take it all in. It's called a gag reflex. Sometimes it makes you vomit. 


Anywho....the fucktard behind us got up to leave, and shot my son, the love of my life, a disgusted look as he walked by. I saw it and maybe I'm sensitive or imagining it, but for the sake of MY blog, we'll say I'm not....I wanted to cuntpunch his dumbass. Just wait till you get some stupid whore pregnant and she tricks you into marrying her. So one day when you're out eating with your new bitch wife and your demon spawn, who does the same thing one day, maybe then you'll look back on today and you'll understand how I could continue eating after cleaning up vomit. Of course, you might also be the type of guy who already has a few kids but just leaves them for their moms to raise and sends a check every couple months, calls once a week and still has the nerve to say "I'm a dad", when in reality you're really just a walking sperm bank with ATM capabilities. Either way, save your dirty looks for someone who didn't just deal with a bacon induced vomiting child. 


Now if you'll excuse me, my coffee's getting cold Asshole!

1 comment:

  1. I hate to laugh, but omg that was spectacular!!! Don't you just love children, and stupid ignorant people who have no idea what its like to be a mom, let alone a parent?!?!?!?! I totally would have put a piece of bacon in my mouth as he eyeballed my child, and made that mmmm this is good look!! haha you know that look I'm talking about!!

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